Q. Letting my partner impregnate his friend: My partner and I, who are in a gay relationship, are close friends with a lesbian couple. “Mary” and “Jean” desperately want a baby, and after some discussion my partner decided to donate his sperm. We have no interest in being parents but are happy to be uncles. Unfortunately Mary experienced a significant illness and Jane got laid off from work, and now they are worried they can’t afford in vitro fertilization. Mary is infertile, and Jane is already 38, so waiting until their financial situation improves might not be an option. Mary and Jane have now asked whether Jane can conceive a baby with my partner the old-fashioned way. My partner and Jane used to date in their 20s so it won’t be anything new. I totally trust my partner, but this is just too much for me. Am I being too old-fashioned? Should I let this happen so my two wonderful friends can become parents without spending tens of thousands of dollars?
A: I don’t think you’re being too old-fashioned! This is not an especially old-fashioned problem. Their problem is a sad one, certainly, but you shouldn’t let guilt over your friends’ situation affect the decision you and your partner make. There’s no guarantee that your partner will be able to impregnate Jane on the first try; how many times would you be willing to let the two of them sleep together? Five tries? Ten? As many as it takes? It’s wonderful that you trust your partner and want to help your friends have children—and in this case, I think, perfectly appropriate—but that doesn’t mean you have to feel great about the two of them sleeping together. You two should have a serious conversation as a couple about the pros and cons and figure out whether this is something you are comfortable doing before discussing your decision with Mary and Jean.
Also: If any queer couples with nontraditional reproductive stories want to weigh in about their own experiences, please do! Has anyone gone the turkey-baster route?
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I'd be more concerned about the financial situation going forward. Will they come to them for money if times continue to be rough for them, for the baby's sake. It doesn't sound like the women are in a solid position to become parents at this time.
And I don't think I'd be comfortable with my partner sleeping with someone else regardless of the reasons.
He should not do it the old fashion way because of financial reason. We had a thread a while back that after a break up they state came after the father. Since a doctor was not involved, a requirement of that state he was held responsible.
lord, children are a lifetime commitment--aside from the relationship aspects, what about the future? what if the kid has defects of some sort? who bears the financial responsibility? what if the homosexual parents die? split-up? change their mind ? just a bad idea all the way around
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
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