Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columnshere. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Spoiler
Q. Oral equality: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and we enjoy a great sex life. He really enjoys performing oral sex on me and does it frequently. I, on the other hand, really do not enjoy performing oral sex and never have. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and often elicits a gag reflex/panic response. He mentioned recently that he has accepted the fact that “I just don’t do” that particular act for him and that he’s OK with it because it’s harder for me to achieve orgasm than him and he prefers sex to oral sex. Still, I can’t help but feel guilty and that this is something I should force myself to be doing for him since he does it for me so often. Is there some kind of unspoken equality when it comes to oral sex? Should I feel obligated to do something in bed that I don’t enjoy to make things “equal” between us in this area?
A: Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea! You have, however, what sounds like a legitimate, lifelong difficulty with performing it; you’re not trying to get out of pleasing your partner because you’re uninterested or indifferent. You two have discussed this issue and come to a mutually agreed-upon compromise, which is a great start. As long as you don’t think he’s just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he’s still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
If this is something you’d truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than “no blow jobs, ever” and “regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting.” Good luck!
-- Edited by ed11563 on Tuesday 22nd of December 2015 01:04:35 PM
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
she's insecure and immature--they've been involved for a year--he's fine with things as they are--" take him at his word. "--people that genuinely love each other don't force/guilt trip/blackmail their loved ones into performing/doing things that are uncomfortable for one or the other--just selfish and stupid
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Maybe we should discuss it with our kids to some degree.
Age appropriately of course.
They need to know they can get STDs this way too.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
If she doesn't like it, she is doing it wrooonggg.
It is fun and empowering.
But no head touching. Touch my head I'll bite your hands off.
Or something else. . .
Maybe we should discuss it with our kids to some degree.
Age appropriately of course.
They need to know they can get STDs this way too.
That's not what I meant.
I know.
Kind of addressing Ed's statement while agreeing with what you said.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I think the LW should take him at his word (that he has accepted that she can't), but that she should also go ahead and learn how to do as much as her physical limitations will allow her to do.
Oral on a man doesn't have to be only "nose into pubic hair" deep. I don't want to go into more detail that that because it might qualify as "TMI", but there is a lot of fellatio variety that doesn't include "deep throat".