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ed11563


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bullying cousin apologizes
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Dear Prudence,
After my mother’s recent death I received an email from my cousin “Jane” apologizing for how horribly she had treated me when we grew up together, and saying how wonderful and generous my mom had always been to her despite this. But in fact, when we learned she was dying, my mother apologized for how she’d stood by and let Jane bully me relentlessly. She said she hadn’t wanted to be “one of those parents” who always favored their own child.

Now my mom is gone. I forgave her, but I’m not sure what to do about Jane. Since college I have tried to comport myself around her with civility, but having her admit she knew how horrible she’d been has made things worse. We rarely see each other. I could easily ignore her for the rest of my life without creating any family tension (we have a very large family). Would that be wrong?

–Forgive, Can’t Forget

No. Jane may have apologized, but you’re under no obligation to accept. It’s a good thing for her own soul that she is sorry for what she did, but it does not necessarily follow that you must have a relationship with her. If you have no interest in revisiting your childhood with the woman who did her best to make it as painful as possible, don’t force yourself to. Do what will bring you the most peace. It took her many years to finally reach out to you; there’s no reason she can’t wait many more for a response.



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She apologized. Which is supposedly what every victim wants but never accepts an actual apology in reality. She doesnt have to be your best friend or even in your life at all. Your choice.

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Lawyerlady


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So, someone grows up, realizes one a horrid kid they were and actually apologizes, and you don't want to forgive them? OK - hang on to your anger and be bitter - I'm sure that will make it better.

That doesn't mean I'm saying they have to have a relationship, but it sounds like the bullying cousin is the only one that actually grew up.

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Southern_Belle


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You can forgive. That doesn't mean you have to give that person an opportunity to hurt you again. You are not obligated to be someone's BFF just because you forgive them.

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huskerbb


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Southern_Belle wrote:

You can forgive. That doesn't mean you have to give that person an opportunity to hurt you again. You are not obligated to be someone's BFF just because you forgive them.

But you don't know that's what will happen.

A LOT of kids did mean things as kids but turned out to be decent people as adults.  



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huskerbb wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

You can forgive. That doesn't mean you have to give that person an opportunity to hurt you again. You are not obligated to be someone's BFF just because you forgive them.

But you don't know that's what will happen.

A LOT of kids did mean things as kids but turned out to be decent people as adults.  

 Sure but in the mean time, they also wrecked a lot of people's self esteem, an apology doesn't fix that. You can listen to their apology, doesn't mean you have to acknowledge it.  Bullies tend to become abusive spouses.  I for one will not forgive my ex for the crap he pulled.  There are things in life you can move on from, doesn't mean you have to forgive the ass.  



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huskerbb


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

You can forgive. That doesn't mean you have to give that person an opportunity to hurt you again. You are not obligated to be someone's BFF just because you forgive them.

But you don't know that's what will happen.

A LOT of kids did mean things as kids but turned out to be decent people as adults.  

 Sure but in the mean time, they also wrecked a lot of people's self esteem, an apology doesn't fix that. You can listen to their apology, doesn't mean you have to acknowledge it.  Bullies tend to become abusive spouses.  I for one will not forgive my ex for the crap he pulled.  There are things in life you can move on from, doesn't mean you have to forgive the ass.  

COMPLETELY different scenario.   



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Tignanello


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There is a difference between forgiving someone for their childhood behavior and/or graciously accepting their apology and then letting them full-on into your life like you've been best buds forever. It doesn't sound like these two have a relationship at all, and I don't think that this apology - accepted or not - will really change that.

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Sounds like she is in a world of hurt.
It seems to me that she somehow thought that the bullying was in her head, or she was overreacting, and so tried to behave as if nothing have ever happened. But having first her mom acknowledge it on her deathbed, and now the cousin after the moms death seems to have brought it to the fore, and knowing that her mom knew and did nothing and that the cousin was fully aware f how awful she was just seems to have piled this all on her and she can't cope.
I applaud cousin for apologizing, but perhaps she should have waited a bit. Right after the mom died doesn't seem like the right time to reopen an old wound.

Now she is grieving the death of her mom ad trying to process all of this at the same time. I don't blame her for being emotional about it.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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So now that was "the wrong time to spologize"? Wow.

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