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huskerbb


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This didn't start just this year...
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Q. Bad beginnings: My daughter has announced that she and her husband will not be doing any more family holidays after this year. They are going to travel instead. She said she is tired of all the drama and guilt trips. She specifically called out my “dictatorship adherence to the actual day instead of spirit” because I asked her to drive down Christmas Eve after they both got off their shifts. She said that working a 10-hour shift in an emergency room then driving three hours is unrealistic, unreasonable, and selfish on my part! I just wanted to spend Christmas with my kids instead of the weekend after. Did I do wrong?

A: I think so! But more importantly, your daughter thinks so. Even if I were convinced you had done the right thing, I’m not your daughter. It would be good for your relationship if you were to apologize to her; if you do apologize, realize that it may not result in you getting what you want out of her (namely, future Christmases with you). Apologize because you care about her feelings, not because you think that an apology is the magical password to make sure she spends Christmas Eve with you next year.



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huskerbb


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Drama and guilt trips aren't terms usually used for one-time incidents. This has probably been going on since her daughter left the house.

The LW can't see that the daughter's exact words are what happened. Mother insisted upon the "day" rather than the "spirit" because she didn't want to postpone it a week.

I think it would be mean-spirited of the daughter to go on vacation over the holidays EVERY year--but I think a year or two wouldn't hurt to get the point across.

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flan327


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huskerbb wrote:

Drama and guilt trips aren't terms usually used for one-time incidents. This has probably been going on since her daughter left the house.

The LW can't see that the daughter's exact words are what happened. Mother insisted upon the "day" rather than the "spirit" because she didn't want to postpone it a week.

I think it would be mean-spirited of the daughter to go on vacation over the holidays EVERY year--but I think a year or two wouldn't hurt to get the point across.

 I will always be grateful that my mother, for all her faults, had no qualms about celebrating Christmas in February. (It was an 8-hour drive for us.)

flan



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just Czech


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Good gosh, anyone with adult children knows you have to split the holidays. The LL needs to get over herself and apologize.

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We did this letter already!

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Ohfour


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We did Christmas with the kids on Sunday. Christmas for us is not necessarily the 25th. Its the day that works for everyone to get together. It could have been next weekend for all I care. I just want everyone together. And if thats impossible with grown kids, then thats ok. The spirit is not a date, the spirit is family and laughter...

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Lawyerlady


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The daughter works 10 hours in an emergency room and then Mom expects her to drive to her the same day? Mom is nuts.

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Lindley


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Lawyerlady wrote:

The daughter works 10 hours in an emergency room and then Mom expects her to drive to her the same day? Mom is nuts.

I wouldn't want my dd or son to drive a long way after working 10 hours.  Mom it is time to grow up. 



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flan327


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Lawyerlady wrote:

The daughter works 10 hours in an emergency room and then Mom expects her to drive to her the same day? Mom is nuts.

 Totally unreasonable, to say the least. Would she be happy if her daughter has an accident driving to Mom's because she is SO tired?

flan



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lilyofcourse


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I remember growing up, Christmas was a whirlwind of family.

We opened gifts at home, then went to the north end of the county to one set of grandparents house, then up the road to visit both sets of great grandparents then we went all the way to the south end of the county to visit the other set of grandparents and swung by the other great grandmother on the way home.

It was an all day thing. We never had a chance to play with anything Christmas day.

So. I decided as a teenager that when I had kids, we wouldn't do that.

And we havent.

It hurt some feelings at first but they soon came to peace with it.

I do miss those crazy visits now but my kids and I have always enjoyed a peaceful Christmas.

LW is going to have to set boundaries. It may mean missing a family gathering and it may mean hurt feelings.

But that's jus growing pains.

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Driving three hours after working ten as a nurse is crazy. I've worked ten hour days, twelve hour days, and sixteen hour days. All you want to do when you get done is rest.

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lilyofcourse


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Expecting anyone to drive 3 hours after working 10, 12 and 16 hour days is ridiculous no matter the job.

I'd be an awful daughter and just tell mom no.

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Why doesn't the mom drive to the DD's house and have the meal/whatever waiting for her when she gets done with work?



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huskerbb


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Mellow Momma wrote:

Why doesn't the mom drive to the DD's house and have the meal/whatever waiting for her when she gets done with work?

But then what about her other kids?  They may not want to drive there.   



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lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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Honestly, at the end of a 10 hour work day, the last thing I would want would be to come home to a party at my house.

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The daughter works 10 hours in an emergency room and then Mom expects her to drive to her the same day? Mom is nuts.
- Lawyerlady.

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I disagree. I think the Mom doesn't care if her daughter becomes a patient in an Emergency Room.

Christmas is about family (not discounting it being about Jesus, of course). I think Mom forgot this.

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Honeys_Mom


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Another thought is that Mom is so hung up in her own insecurities that she can't see beyond them.  She might love all her kids dearly but isn't emotionally mature enough to step outside herself and see what she's doing to them with her demands.

My life.  My mom is an absolutely wonderful person, and I've come to understand some of the behaviors as I've matured myself.



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Mellow Momma


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huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:

Why doesn't the mom drive to the DD's house and have the meal/whatever waiting for her when she gets done with work?

But then what about her other kids?  They may not want to drive there.   

 Well tough. All that matters to this woman is that they are all together! Make all the other kids drive - give them all the guilt trip too! Why should the OP be the only one to get it?!

The OP should move farther away. 



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Nobody Just Nobody


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I love MM's suggestions.

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huskerbb


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Mellow Momma wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:

Why doesn't the mom drive to the DD's house and have the meal/whatever waiting for her when she gets done with work?

But then what about her other kids?  They may not want to drive there.   

 Well tough. All that matters to this woman is that they are all together! Make all the other kids drive - give them all the guilt trip too! Why should the OP be the only one to get it?!

The OP should move farther away. 

That's crap.  Why should the other kids have to drive? What makes the LW such a special snowflake?  You think the other kids don't have jobs and busy lives, too? 

The fact is, if they all want to get together, it's easier to do it at mom's house.  The date may have been unreasonable--but the premise is not, unless they don't care to get together with their family.   



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Nobody Just Nobody


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I think MM was being sarcastic...

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

I think MM was being sarcastic...

 What she said.



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Mellow Momma


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Holy cow Husker. Your sarcasm radar does not work. At all.

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huskerbb


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Sorry.

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Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
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