TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Pretty Daughter More than Looks

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

I like the answer.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Really? I think it is kind of pompous and stupid. I think mom is the one with the "issue" here. Someone can make a compliment without it having to be corrected. Sheesh. So someone says your daughter is pretty, how about just saying "Thank you". Honestly, people need to get over themselves.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

There are lots of pretty girls in the world. My sons' girlfriends look like bombshells when they are dressed to the nines. When my DD got dolled up for the dance last year, i was like Holy Cow! She has long legs and is as stunning as she wishes to be when she is all dolled up. Most young women can be stunning with good hair and makeup and pretty clothes. So, if the daughter is somehow getting the message that is all she is, well that is coming from her mother. If your child is in sports, music and well rounded, it really isn't something you have to worry about. And, you don't have to "correct" other people's compliments.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
There are lots of pretty girls in the world. My sons' girlfriends look like bombshells when they are dressed to the nines. When my DD got dolled up for the dance last year, i was like Holy Cow! She has long legs and is as stunning as she wishes to be when she is all dolled up. Most young women can be stunning with good hair and makeup and pretty clothes. So, if the daughter is somehow getting the message that is all she is, well that is coming from her mother. If your child is in sports, music and well rounded, it really isn't something you have to worry about. And, you don't have to "correct" other people's compliments.

Sure but some girls look gorgeous when just waking up! And I am assuming she is being complimented all the time, not just when she is trying to look great as in "dressed to the nines" Maybe the compliments are so frequent that the mother worries is will go to her head and the daughter will think that is her only worth. perhaps telling the person giving the compliment that her daughter is beautiful inside is a bit over the top, but I get the sentiment.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

What lgs said. I think a lot of girls would be surprised at how stunning they can look with the right clothes and makeup. Even a good stiff posture screams confidence that make heads turn. So take the compliment, say thank you, and remember that even models look like rags without their accessories.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
There are lots of pretty girls in the world. My sons' girlfriends look like bombshells when they are dressed to the nines. When my DD got dolled up for the dance last year, i was like Holy Cow! She has long legs and is as stunning as she wishes to be when she is all dolled up. Most young women can be stunning with good hair and makeup and pretty clothes. So, if the daughter is somehow getting the message that is all she is, well that is coming from her mother. If your child is in sports, music and well rounded, it really isn't something you have to worry about. And, you don't have to "correct" other people's compliments.
Sure but some girls look gorgeous when just waking up! And I am assuming she is being complimented all the time, not just when she is trying to look great as in "dressed to the nines" Maybe the compliments are so frequent that the mother worries is will go to her head and the daughter will think that is her only worth. perhaps telling the person giving the compliment that her daughter is beautiful inside is a bit over the top, but I get the sentiment.

Yes, she may stunning in a potato sack. Some women are. But, it is the job of MOM to reinforce her other qualities not the people tossing her a compliment. Everything isn't someone else's job. And, it isnt the job of someone who simply wants to say something nice to know all of your back issues.

For my kids, it was "oh your son is so tall and Oh your daughter is so tall". Well my middle son was very average in height and heard that for YEARS lol. He is 4 yrs older than DD and there was a point where they were the same height and someone asked if they were twins. We just chuckled. But, he got a late growth spurt and now is has gotten a lot taller than her.

huskerbb · Guru

This is much ado about nothing. Society is GOING to send the message that young women are valued for their looks. Trying to counter every such message individually is going to be exhausting and ultimately pointless.

You just have to send a stronger message TO YOUR DAUGHTER that she is more than that and hope it sticks.

ed11563 · Guru

When people would compliment my kids, I'd respond, "Thanks, they're great kids, we're very proud of them."

I continue to tell each of them "I'm glad you're my son."

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

There is something very special about a pretty girl. So what? Girls were designed to be looked at. Deal with it.

FNW · Guru

Women are valued based on their looks. That's how it works with humans. Women are prettier to attract a mate. In the animal kingdom, it is the reverse.

And yeah, a little hair and makeup and clothes, most, if not all, young women can be beautiful or at the very least, attractive. The mother's job is to help teach her daughter how to improve upon her natural beauty when she reaches adolescence. The rest comes from years of well-rounded, caring upbringing. Accept the compliments and feel proud you have done your job well.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

FNW wrote:
Women are valued based on their looks. That's how it works with humans. Women are prettier to attract a mate. In the animal kingdom, it is the reverse.

And yeah, a little hair and makeup and clothes, most, if not all, young women can be beautiful or at the very least, attractive. The mother's job is to help teach her daughter how to improve upon her natural beauty when she reaches adolescence. The rest comes from years of well-rounded, caring upbringing. Accept the compliments and feel proud you have done your job well.

Yes. And, there is something very different about your daughter in a beautiful dress. You beam in a different way over your daughter than your son. That isn't wrong.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

It is frustrating to be in public and have strangers constantly counter act what you have been trying to accomplish at home every day. It isn't as easy as you would think to just "teach her at home " that she is more than her looks. Sure, you can try, but ultimately when it's all they hear from society at large, it's hard to counteract that.

DD24 got compliments from strangers in the grocery store on her looks when she was a baby. As a toddler people would stop me in the mall to tell me how pretty she was. It was annoying as hell. As a 12 year old she was hit on by grown men. It isn't about when they are dressed to impress. It's about when they are just trying to get through the bedding aisle at Target and little old ladies won't let you past because they have stopped you to gush about how gorgeous your 4 year old is. I would respond "thank you so much. She is also very smart and a great artist too". It acknowledged the compliment and turned the conversation toward her talents.

DD says now that she sees complimenting her looks as being really stupid. She didn't do anything to get her looks, it's a genetic lottery. It took no skill, no special effort on her part. Compliments on things she worked on mean something.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I don't think someone giving a compliment is "counteracting" what you are doing as a parent. That seems a bit dramatic to me.

ed11563 · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
FNW wrote:
Women are valued based on their looks. That's how it works with humans. Women are prettier to attract a mate. In the animal kingdom, it is the reverse.

And yeah, a little hair and makeup and clothes, most, if not all, young women can be beautiful or at the very least, attractive. The mother's job is to help teach her daughter how to improve upon her natural beauty when she reaches adolescence. The rest comes from years of well-rounded, caring upbringing. Accept the compliments and feel proud you have done your job well.
Yes. And, there is something very different about your daughter in a beautiful dress. You beam in a different way over your daughter than your son. That isn't wrong.

um, in what way do you beam over your son in a beautiful dress? wink

FNW · Guru

MM, she will some day appreciate her good fortune when her looks fade.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I don't think someone giving a compliment is "counteracting" what you are doing as a parent. That seems a bit dramatic to me.

When it happens several time each time you leave the house...yes. It is. Honestly I couldn't go to the grocery store with DD without people stopping us, then the lady at the deli would say something, then the person whose cart was blocking the aisle, then the cashier would say something too...it's annoying and it sends a message. This isn't about the odd compliment once in awhile. It's about kids who are told ALL the time about their looks - like these mixed kids are.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

ed11563 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
FNW wrote:
Women are valued based on their looks. That's how it works with humans. Women are prettier to attract a mate. In the animal kingdom, it is the reverse.

And yeah, a little hair and makeup and clothes, most, if not all, young women can be beautiful or at the very least, attractive. The mother's job is to help teach her daughter how to improve upon her natural beauty when she reaches adolescence. The rest comes from years of well-rounded, caring upbringing. Accept the compliments and feel proud you have done your job well.
Yes. And, there is something very different about your daughter in a beautiful dress. You beam in a different way over your daughter than your son. That isn't wrong.
um, in what way do you beam over your son in a beautiful dress?

LOL! I remember my son when he was 3 coming down the steps with earrings on. biggrin

huskerbb · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I don't think someone giving a compliment is "counteracting" what you are doing as a parent. That seems a bit dramatic to me.
When it happens several time each time you leave the house...yes. It is. Honestly I couldn't go to the grocery store with DD without people stopping us, then the lady at the deli would say something, then the person whose cart was blocking the aisle, then the cashier would say something too...it's annoying and it sends a message. This isn't about the odd compliment once in awhile. It's about kids who are told ALL the time about their looks - like these mixed kids are.

So what? Society is going to send that message and you can't possibly counteract more than a tiny fraction on an individual basis.

if that's your plan, it will fail.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

FNW wrote:
MM, she will some day appreciate her good fortune when her looks fade.

Lol. So it's better to be beautiful and lose your looks than never to be beautiful at all?

Teaching my 12 year old how to turn down the advances of grown men wasn't something I was prepared to do. I will have to remind her when her looks fade how lucky she was to have had that experience. Or the time she was attacked by a man she rejected because "pretty girls are always b!tches and you need taught a lesson" - she was lucky to have that experience as well.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I don't think someone giving a compliment is "counteracting" what you are doing as a parent. That seems a bit dramatic to me.
When it happens several time each time you leave the house...yes. It is. Honestly I couldn't go to the grocery store with DD without people stopping us, then the lady at the deli would say something, then the person whose cart was blocking the aisle, then the cashier would say something too...it's annoying and it sends a message. This isn't about the odd compliment once in awhile. It's about kids who are told ALL the time about their looks - like these mixed kids are.
So what? Society is going to send that message and you can't possibly counteract more than a tiny fraction on an individual basis.

if that's your plan, it will fail.

My plan was to raise a child who knew she was worth more than what her looks could buy. Her worth was on the inside not the outside. What is important was not her looks but how hard she worked and how she treated others. And I did my job well, she learned the lesson. But it was frustrating as all heck to not be able to go to the darn grocery store without having to remind her several time that her looks were NOT what mattered most.

FNW · Guru

How about enrolling her in karate or at least, self-defense classes? Or teaching her to announce her age?

Or by accompanying her and notifying these grown man of child pedophile laws? I'm not sure I was permitted to take a stroll through a mall alone at age 12. And most grown men don't attack girls who are in a group.

I understand how scary and frustrating this must be for her. But teaching her that her looks are more a curse than a blessing is not good.

ed11563 · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
MM, she will some day appreciate her good fortune when her looks fade.
Lol. So it's better to be beautiful and lose your looks than never to be beautiful at all?
Teaching my 12 year old how to turn down the advances of grown men wasn't something I was prepared to do. I will have to remind her when her looks fade how lucky she was to have had that experience. Or the time she was attacked by a man she rejected because "pretty girls are always b!tches and you need taught a lesson" - she was lucky to have that experience as well.

OUCH! Did you have him arrested? How did she fend off the attack? Pepper spray (I hope)?

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

FNW wrote:
How about enrolling her in karate or at least, self-defense classes? Or teaching her to announce her age?

Or by accompanying her and notifying these grown man of child pedophile laws? I'm not sure I was permitted to take a stroll through a mall alone at age 12. And most grown men don't attack girls who are in a group.

I understand how scary and frustrating this must be for her. But teaching her that her looks are more a curse than a blessing is not good.

She didn't walk through the mall alone. The grown man hit on her right in front of me at a graduation party. I was standing right next to her. And I lit him up. Trust me.

And again, she was attacked by a guy while with a bunch of friends at a party. She was not alone. I am not sure where you got that she was wandering the malls and streets alone, but that didn't happen. Sorry.

I didn't teach her that her looks are a curse. I taught her that people are superficial and will be attracted to you based on how you look and not on how you act so you need to be wary of people you don't know. She has more street sense than most grown people who grew up on the street because she HAD to.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

ed11563 wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
MM, she will some day appreciate her good fortune when her looks fade.
Lol. So it's better to be beautiful and lose your looks than never to be beautiful at all?
Teaching my 12 year old how to turn down the advances of grown men wasn't something I was prepared to do. I will have to remind her when her looks fade how lucky she was to have had that experience. Or the time she was attacked by a man she rejected because "pretty girls are always b!tches and you need taught a lesson" - she was lucky to have that experience as well.
OUCH! Did you have him arrested? How did she fend off the attack? Pepper spray (I hope)?

The frat guys took care of him. She hung around a great group of guys in college and when they saw the idiot slap her, they hauled him off and DD didn't see what happened after that. She never saw that guy after that.

FNW · Guru

What kind of party was she at? Not judging you, just wondering why adults were at a party with 12 year olds, unless it was the host's father or brother. If so, I'd have him thrown in jail.

I don't think being attracted to someone on looks is superficial. It's normal. And I think everyone needs to be wary of strangers.

I gained good looks around the age 14 when I started wearing makeup. So admittedly, I did not have to fend off admirers until I was a couple years older. And my parents were very over protective, so I was not allowed to attend parties until then and usually had my brother or my friend's brother with us.

huskerbb · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
MM, she will some day appreciate her good fortune when her looks fade.
Lol. So it's better to be beautiful and lose your looks than never to be beautiful at all?
Teaching my 12 year old how to turn down the advances of grown men wasn't something I was prepared to do. I will have to remind her when her looks fade how lucky she was to have had that experience. Or the time she was attacked by a man she rejected because "pretty girls are always b!tches and you need taught a lesson" - she was lucky to have that experience as well.

She was "lucky" she got attacked?

Tinydancer · Guru

I think she was being sarcastic.

FNW · Guru

Perhaps the problem isn't really her good looks but the freedoms she is allotted merely because she looks older? I do not understand why a 12 year old would be at a party or hanging out with frat boys. Yes, I'm judging.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

FNW wrote:
Perhaps the problem isn't really her good looks but the freedoms she is allotted merely because she looks older? I do not understand why a 12 year old would be at a party or hanging out with frat boys. Yes, I'm judging.

It sounded like two different parties, to me.

The graduation party, when she was 12.

And a frat party, when she was in college.

FNW · Guru

Oh, my mistake. I thought she was still 12.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I don't think someone giving a compliment is "counteracting" what you are doing as a parent. That seems a bit dramatic to me.
When it happens several time each time you leave the house...yes. It is. Honestly I couldn't go to the grocery store with DD without people stopping us, then the lady at the deli would say something, then the person whose cart was blocking the aisle, then the cashier would say something too...it's annoying and it sends a message. This isn't about the odd compliment once in awhile. It's about kids who are told ALL the time about their looks - like these mixed kids are.
So what? Society is going to send that message and you can't possibly counteract more than a tiny fraction on an individual basis.

if that's your plan, it will fail.
My plan was to raise a child who knew she was worth more than what her looks could buy. Her worth was on the inside not the outside. What is important was not her looks but how hard she worked and how she treated others. And I did my job well, she learned the lesson. But it was frustrating as all heck to not be able to go to the darn grocery store without having to remind her several time that her looks were NOT what mattered most.

I really don't know why you find that so offensive? I mean you seem kind of bitter about it. Being blessed with good looks is a good thing if you choose to embrace it as a good thing. You seem to have a negative view of that. Yeah, with ANYTHING in life that sets someone apart in anyway, you are going to have things to deal with. A person with a disability probably gets sick of being asked about it or having it questioned. Someone who is unattractive has to battle that and not getting asked to dance at school dances or whatever.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Her looks will give her advantages in life that many other people will not have. There are pros and cons to everything.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Her looks will give her advantages in life that many other people will not have. There are pros and cons to everything.

Yes. But, there are certainly ways to make oneself less attractive as well. I dunno. hmm

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Caitlyn has always been complimented on her looks.

Her hair was a beautiful honey blonde, her eyes are sky blue, she has clear porcelain skin and after some some becomes that beautiful warm honey tan.

She has an amazing personality that is vivacious and magnetic.

From birth she was a beautiful girl.

I never tried to detract from it. You tell her she is pretty or beautiful and she says Thank you. Some times she says she knows.

I can't believe anyone could ever be offended by a compliment.

That seems like the epitome of looking to be offended.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

My step-daughter believes her ONLY "talent" is her looks & THAT is sad.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

Hot chicks get to do whatever they want.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well then if you compliment for being smart or a goid athlete then that will be offensive cuz that isnt All someone is.

ed11563 · Guru

flan327 wrote:
My step-daughter believes her ONLY "talent" is her looks & THAT is sad.

flan

Is she a model, an actress, or a hooker? wink

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

FNW wrote:
Oh, my mistake. I thought she was still 12.

Yes, they were two different parties. The graduation party of her cousin when she was 12, and a college party she attended as a college student.

And I would imagine that when your boys were young, when you left the house, people commented about them being twins. They probably stopped you and said how cute the twins were and made a stupid twin comment like "do they think alike?" It probably got really frustrating and tiresome. No matter how much you wanted people to see that they are two different people with special talents all anyone could see was that they were twins. So you took extra time at home to teach them that they were each valued for more than their twin-ness. They had talents and gifts that went beyond how they looked to others. And while it wasn't offensive per se to have someone comment on their twindom, it was tiresome and a tad frustrating. Same with me and raising a girl who was pretty.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

huskerbb wrote:
Hot chicks get to do whatever they want.

Like being attacked at a party because "pretty girls are b!tches and need taught a lesson".

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

FNW wrote:
Perhaps the problem isn't really her good looks but the freedoms she is allotted merely because she looks older? I do not understand why a 12 year old would be at a party or hanging out with frat boys. Yes, I'm judging.

Really?! Wow. This is offensive. I did NOT allow my 12 year old to go to frat parties. What in the world would make you think that?!

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Mellow Momma wrote:
FNW wrote:
Perhaps the problem isn't really her good looks but the freedoms she is allotted merely because she looks older? I do not understand why a 12 year old would be at a party or hanging out with frat boys. Yes, I'm judging.
Really?! Wow. This is offensive. I did NOT allow my 12 year old to go to frat parties. What in the world would make you think that?!

If you look up thread, you'll see that she misread your post.

She originally thought your daughter was 12 at the college party.

Just a misunderstanding.

huskerbb · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Hot chicks get to do whatever they want.
Like being attacked at a party because "pretty girls are b!tches and need taught a lesson".

You have severe issues.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

So do you if you think pretty girls get to do whatever they want. That's idiotic.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I don't know.....I don't know anyone who is so pretty that it's all people talk about. And I know some pretty people. But honestly....not extraordinarily gorgeous.....
That is rare in my book.
If someone is going to complain about being called pretty....they better be Helen of Troy and Matahari rolled into one...squared....

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

With DD it isn't all people talk about now,but it is certainly the first thing people talk about. And when she was young it was the only thing people talked about for sure.

huskerbb · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
So do you if you think pretty girls get to do whatever they want. That's idiotic.

Oh for crying out loud. It was a JOKE. Not getting that is what is idiotic.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Husker you arent that funny nor clever. Just sayin.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Husker you arent that funny nor clever. Just sayin.

Then feel free to not read anything I post.