TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Prudie: Too Young to Stepparent

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Hey, if this isn't what she wants, better to let it go now.

It's perfectly ok to know your boundaries and live within them.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

When there are kids involved she will have a lifetime of dealing with the ex.
Not everyone is cut out to be a stepparent. However she may be overblowing it to. It's one child not six.

huskerbb · Guru

Wow is that stupid advice.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Going out to dinner once is not signing up to be a step mom for life. She needs to calm down a bit, amd not get ahead of herself.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Going out to dinner once is not signing up to be a step mom for life. She needs to calm down a bit, amd not get ahead of herself.

Exactly. They've talked for a week?

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

Does she really want to get to close with this guy if she doesn't want a man with kids? She should break it off now because she already knows he has a kid and that's not what she wants right now.

huskerbb · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Going out to dinner once is not signing up to be a step mom for life. She needs to calm down a bit, amd not get ahead of herself.

No, but unless all yiu want is a couple of rolls in the hay, then why do it if you can't even wrap your mind around the possibility?

Plus, Prudie acts like being a parent is something you can compartmentalize and keep wholly separate from the rest of your life.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

She isn't sure if it is what she wants or not, she has never even considered it before and is worried that it is 'a little over her head'.

If she already knew that she never wanted to date anyone with kids but liked this guy and didn't know what to do, that is a little different, but as it stands, she is just worried that she isn't cut out to be a stepmom.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

huskerbb wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Going out to dinner once is not signing up to be a step mom for life. She needs to calm down a bit, amd not get ahead of herself.
No, but unless all yiu want is a couple of rolls in the hay, then why do it if you can't even wrap your mind around the possibility?

Plus, Prudie acts like being a parent is something you can compartmentalize and keep wholly separate from the rest of your life.

No, she said that a lot of parents in the dating pool keep the new bf/gf far far away from their kids until they are sure the relationship is serious, which seems to match up with real life as far as I can tell.

huskerbb · Guru

My brother has been dating a MUCH younger woman since just after Halloween. I think they are moving a bit fast, even though I really like her and she's been a good influence on him.

She has already taken his daughter shopping. She told my brother "if she's going to be mine, she has to dress better."

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Well, that is not the norm in my friend circle.

huskerbb · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Going out to dinner once is not signing up to be a step mom for life. She needs to calm down a bit, amd not get ahead of herself.
No, but unless all yiu want is a couple of rolls in the hay, then why do it if you can't even wrap your mind around the possibility?

Plus, Prudie acts like being a parent is something you can compartmentalize and keep wholly separate from the rest of your life.

No, she said that a lot of parents in the dating pool keep the new bf/gf far far away from their kids until they are sure the relationship is serious, which seems to match up with real life as far as I can tell.

As well they should, but if it's going to get serious, then here we are.

If if the goal is some fun and some sack time, then great, but it sounds as if the LW is thinking of more or it wouldn't be an issue.

huskerbb · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
She isn't sure if it is what she wants or not, she has never even considered it before and is worried that it is 'a little over her head'.

If she already knew that she never wanted to date anyone with kids but liked this guy and didn't know what to do, that is a little different, but as it stands, she is just worried that she isn't cut out to be a stepmom.

Then there is no point in dating him to see if it "gets serious" because she doesn't want that.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

And wanting more is fine, but she hasn't even gone on a date with him yet. It doesn't even sound like they have met!
She can't picture herself as a stepmother, and is a bit blindsided by the idea, but it does not at all sound as if kids is a dealbreaker she has already decided on by any means. It sounds more like she has never thought about it and is surprised it came up.
I say she should at least meet the guy and see of there is chemistry before deciding if she wants to parent his kid first.

huskerbb · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
And wanting more is fine, but she hasn't even gone on a date with him yet. It doesn't even sound like they have met!
She can't picture herself as a stepmother, and is a bit blindsided by the idea, but it does not at all sound as if kids is a dealbreaker she has already decided on by any means. It sounds more like she has never thought about it and is surprised it came up.
I say she should at least meet the guy and see of there is chemistry before deciding if she wants to parent his kid first.

Sounds like a deal-breaker from her letter.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Good grief she hasn't even met the guy yet. From my experience men with children don't introduce them until it has been serious for a while.

To me it doesn't sound like this is a deal breaker just something that took her by surprise & she hadn't thought about previously.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

huskerbb wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
And wanting more is fine, but she hasn't even gone on a date with him yet. It doesn't even sound like they have met!
She can't picture herself as a stepmother, and is a bit blindsided by the idea, but it does not at all sound as if kids is a dealbreaker she has already decided on by any means. It sounds more like she has never thought about it and is surprised it came up.
I say she should at least meet the guy and see of there is chemistry before deciding if she wants to parent his kid first.
Sounds like a deal-breaker from her letter.

Where? I am just not seeing it.

huskerbb · Guru

Lexxy wrote:
Good grief she hasn't even met the guy yet. From my experience men with children don't introduce them until it has been serious for a while.

To me it doesn't sound like this is a deal breaker just something that took her by surprise & she hadn't thought about previously.

Of course you shouldn't introduce them right away. That's not the question.

however, what's truly the point of continuing if she doesn't even see a future here? (Unless, like I said, they are just after some good times and some bedroom gymnastics)

huskerbb · Guru

Let's say they date for three or four months and things are going well. What then? Well, undoubtedly somewhere in there she does get introduced to the kid.

Then what? They date for a year, the kid gets attached as well as dad--and then it ends badly because she doesn't want to be a step parent.

Conversely, let's say they date a few months and it doesn't work out for other reasons. In either scenario, where is the upside?

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

huskerbb wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Good grief she hasn't even met the guy yet. From my experience men with children don't introduce them until it has been serious for a while.

To me it doesn't sound like this is a deal breaker just something that took her by surprise & she hadn't thought about previously.
Of course you shouldn't introduce them right away. That's not the question.

however, what's truly the point of continuing if she doesn't even see a future here? (Unless, like I said, they are just after some good times and some bedroom gymnastics)

She didn't say she couldn't see a future just that she felt it was a little over her head. I think it just never occurred to her that she might meet a man with a child. If it was truly a deal breaker she wouldn't need to write a letter about it.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Lexxy wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Good grief she hasn't even met the guy yet. From my experience men with children don't introduce them until it has been serious for a while.

To me it doesn't sound like this is a deal breaker just something that took her by surprise & she hadn't thought about previously.
Of course you shouldn't introduce them right away. That's not the question.

however, what's truly the point of continuing if she doesn't even see a future here? (Unless, like I said, they are just after some good times and some bedroom gymnastics)
She didn't say she couldn't see a future just that she felt it was a little over her head. I think it just never occurred to her that she might meet a man with a child. If it was truly a deal breaker she wouldn't need to write a letter about it.

Exactly. Thank you, Lexxy.

jlbear71 · Guru

I never imagined myself dating a man who was married before let alone who had a child(ren). Yet at age 20, I started dating a man 12 years my senior who was divorced and had a 5 year old son. Was I prepared? Hell no. Did I give it a chance? DH & I will celebrate 24 years together and our 15 year wedding anniversary this spring.

My advice is to really think it over and figure out what you are good with and what you are not. It is not for everyone.

huskerbb · Guru

jlbear71 wrote:
I never imagined myself dating a man who was married before let alone who had a child(ren). Yet at age 20, I started dating a man 12 years my senior who was divorced and had a 5 year old son. Was I prepared? Hell no. Did I give it a chance? DH & I will celebrate 24 years together and our 15 year wedding anniversary this spring.

My advice is to really think it over and figure out what you are good with and what you are not. It is not for everyone.

Or, like some advocate--jump right in and maybe it will sort itself out, later.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

There are a few hard and fast deal breakers when it comes to new relationships for me.

I don't want more kids. Mine are all but grown and I don't want to deal with a kid or the ex or any of that. If the kids are older, like mine, I'll think about it.

I want someone with the same beliefs as mine.

No smoking, no drinking, no cussing.

I can completely understand not wanting to get involved with someone with a kid.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

jlbear71 wrote:
I never imagined myself dating a man who was married before let alone who had a child(ren). Yet at age 20, I started dating a man 12 years my senior who was divorced and had a 5 year old son. Was I prepared? Hell no. Did I give it a chance? DH & I will celebrate 24 years together and our 15 year wedding anniversary this spring.

My advice is to really think it over and figure out what you are good with and what you are not. It is not for everyone.

Doing the math here...

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I never thought I'd marry a man with a child. Especially not a young one. You just have to decide if it's for you like jlbear said. Being a step parent is hard. And unless you've been one it's even harder to understand what it's like.

jlbear71 · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
jlbear71 wrote:
I never imagined myself dating a man who was married before let alone who had a child(ren). Yet at age 20, I started dating a man 12 years my senior who was divorced and had a 5 year old son. Was I prepared? Hell no. Did I give it a chance? DH & I will celebrate 24 years together and our 15 year wedding anniversary this spring.

My advice is to really think it over and figure out what you are good with and what you are not. It is not for everyone.
Doing the math here...

I am 44, DH just turned 56 yesterday and DSS is 29.

Momala · Great cook-happy wife-superb fisherman

LGS said:

" However she may be overblowing it to. It's one child not six."

I nearly spewed my drink all over my monitor! I truly DID inherit 6 kids when I married first DH - ages 9, 10, 12, 13, 15, & 16. Instant insanity!!!!!

I never thought of being a step-parent, but when you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who already has kids, they are part and parcel of the whole package! Besides, when I married him, I got the world's best MIL! :)

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

She's blindsided by learning new information about him after a WEEK? Seriously, honey, slow down and get some perspective.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yes, not sure how she was " blindsided"? That is pretty dramatic. She just barely knows him and only mostly knows him online. If she had been dating him for year in person and then found out a year later he had a kid, then yeah, that's "blindsided'. This is not. That is just part of getting to know him process. I am not "blindsided" to learn more about you, sheesh.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I think the child would be better off if she just moved along.

FNW · Guru

Mmmmm...I'm in the walk-away camp. There are certain "deal breakers" which are personal. Hers is no kids right now. Why even waste his time, or hers?

I had the same rule. I dated a couple guys who had kids, and it just wasn't for me. Not because of an ex, or because I didn't want to be a stepparent, but because I wanted/needed to be put first. And that wasn't going to happen when a child was in the picture, because they need to be put first.

Too often I dated someone with "flaws," telling myself I was just having fun, or it was just dinner, or whatever, only to have it develop into a relationship in which I was not happy. Never compromise your principles is the advice Prudie should give.

TrudyML · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
My brother has been dating a MUCH younger woman since just after Halloween. I think they are moving a bit fast, even though I really like her and she's been a good influence on him.

She has already taken his daughter shopping. She told my brother "if she's going to be mine, she has to dress better."

Well, I like her too!

Momala · Great cook-happy wife-superb fisherman

I'm concerned that the child is from "a previous relationship". Is he divorced? Or was it just a short term relationship? with no commitment?

huskerbb · Guru

TrudyML wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
My brother has been dating a MUCH younger woman since just after Halloween. I think they are moving a bit fast, even though I really like her and she's been a good influence on him.

She has already taken his daughter shopping. She told my brother "if she's going to be mine, she has to dress better."
Well, I like her too!

My fear is that they will both get "attached" (meaning girlfriend and his daughter) and then things won't work out. Knowing my brother, it could happen.

If it does work out, though--the child's mother is dead, so my brother's daughter would be "hers".

huskerbb · Guru

Momala wrote:
I'm concerned that the child is from "a previous relationship". Is he divorced? Or was it just a short term relationship? with no commitment?

I'm not sure what difference that truly makes now. Unfortunately, a LOT of young people have kids with people they don't end up staying with. Many of those will go on to have better relationships in the future.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

My husband didn't want to date a woman with a kid. Till he met me and my 3 yr old at the time and we hit it off so great. We are still madly in love 25 years later.

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

Cheerios4606 wrote:
My husband didn't want to date a woman with a kid. Till he met me and my 3 yr old at the time and we hit it off so great. We are still madly in love 25 years later.

That's sweet. smile