My daughter's boyfriend broke up with her on new years day suddenly with no warning. About a year ago, her previous boyfriend did the same thing. Just like the last time, the explanation was "nothing happened, I just don't feel the same anymore". She is devastated, scared and not talking at all, like a ghost walking through the house. Her previous boyfriend broke up with her the same sudden way last year in october. She didn't date anyone for a year, until this new guy. He was very different in every way from any guy she has been interested in before. This one was clean cut, worked full time, not into drugs but he did start drinking more about a month ago. This guy, unlike the others, was very attentive to her, and saw her like 4 times a week. He seemed very into the relationship, almost too much, talking about a future together after such a short time. I'm panicking and sick. Watching this happen again is making my stomach sick. I'm hiding it from her, and I'm pretty damn good at acting, but I'm scared for her future. What does it do to a person to be suddenly dumped twice in a row? The boyfriend before these two also broke up with her but we saw that coming. It was more gradual. She is 20 years old. Does anyone know anyone who has had a lot of terrible luck or whatever with relationships and then found someone who would stick around? I'm acting to her like this is all par for the course but the truth is this seems like worse than the usual experience, to me. She is very good as a girlfriend, she doesn't do things that would chase someone away, except she is pretty intense. She does invest a lot into relationships. But this guy was intense as well.
It's horrible. I don't understand how someone can suddenly stop caring after seeming like they really liked her. And if you didn't do anything wrong, they just don't want to be with you anymore, it's just so confusing and hard to deal with.
In high school, she had 2 long term relationships. One 3 years, one 2. Then she dated a couple guys but hasn't dated anyone for a while now.
I listen when she wants to talk. I encourage outings with friends. And just keep reminding her how much is out there and that she has the freedom to explore it.
She will sometimes talk about a friend getting married or having a baby.
That's when I remind her how hard it is to take off on a spur of the moment weekend trip when you have those responsibilities.
How do you help?
Don't enable the sulking.
That never helps.
Encourage other friendships.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I'm sorry this happened to her. I have no advice since I suck at relationships. All I can think is maybe she gets too involved too fast.
It was pretty crappy of him to break up on NYD. He could have waited until after the holidays.
Maybe take her for mani-pedis or a spa day to help lift her spirits. Or the salon for a new cut & some highlights. Something to make her feel pampered & pretty.
It's hard to see you child hurting. But, why would you be "scared for her future"? She doesn't need a guy to have a good future. At this age, she should focus more on her career and doing the fun things in life. Love will come later.
But, yes, at the moment, it is very hurtful. But he simply isn't the right guy for her. And, why waste one more minute with the WRONG person when the right one is going to come along at some point. And, if she wastes time dating men who really aren't committed she could miss Mr. Right.
I really don't know how to make this sound nice, so forgive me. They didn't suddenly stop caring. They suddenly found someone else. What I have seen happen is person A doesn't want to be with person B anymore. But person A doesn't want to be alone, so they keep going with person B like nothing has changed. Until person C comes along. Then, all of a sudden, person A breaks up with person B. It seems to be out of the blue, but really, person A should have manned up and ended it when the feelings went away.
I know this sucks. But tell your daughter she is a wonderful person and life gets better. I for one am so happy my 20s are long over. The best is yet to come for her
It's horrible. I don't understand how someone can suddenly stop caring after seeming like they really liked her. And if you didn't do anything wrong, they just don't want to be with you anymore, it's just so confusing and hard to deal with.
It is. Tell her to focus on friends, going out, school. Work on herself esteem.
It's that intensity that scares them off. No matter how intense the guy will be, if she paced herself, they would not lose interest. Don't see him every day or every night. Four times a week is too much.
Don't immediately return phone calls or texts. Don't share your life story with him. Keep some, tell some. Don't try to get in good with the family, not for a long time anyway. Don't invest too much. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Date around. Date, not sleep. Don't sleep with them right away either. Get to know them first.
Be light and carefree, not intense. Don't give every detail of your day. Make him wonder what you are doing. Don't talk on the phone for hours on end. Or text the evening away. Keep texts short, and limit phone conversations to 10 minutes. Be incommunicado. If a man is interested, he'll make more of an effort to see you. Don't accept a last minute date. She should require a minimum of 3 days notice. Hasn't asked her out for the weekend by Wednesday, make other plans, and keep them. He will realize he needs to act sooner if he wants to see her.
As old fashioned as it sounds, get her The Rules book. I think there's one out now that is more modern to today's text/email, etc., culture.
In the meantime, get her out. Does she have friends? Encourage her to make them and/or go out with existing ones. Take her on a mother/daughter trip. Some place far away for a week. Or two. Is she in school? If not, see if she will enroll.
I'm sorry for her pain. It sucks, I know. It's happened to me a time or two. It takes away your self-esteem. She needs to gain it back.
It's that intensity that scares them off. No matter how intense the guy will be, if she paced herself, they would not lose interest. Don't see him every day or every night. Four times a week is too much.
Don't immediately return phone calls or texts. Don't share your life story with him. Keep some, tell some. Don't try to get in good with the family, not for a long time anyway. Don't invest too much. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Date around. Date, not sleep. Don't sleep with them right away either. Get to know them first.
Be light and carefree, not intense. Don't give every detail of your day. Make him wonder what you are doing. Don't talk on the phone for hours on end. Or text the evening away. Keep texts short, and limit phone conversations to 10 minutes. Be incommunicado. If a man is interested, he'll make more of an effort to see you. Don't accept a last minute date. She should require a minimum of 3 days notice. Hasn't asked her out for the weekend by Wednesday, make other plans, and keep them. He will realize he needs to act sooner if he wants to see her.
As old fashioned as it sounds, get her The Rules book. I think there's one out now that is more modern to today's text/email, etc., culture.
In the meantime, get her out. Does she have friends? Encourage her to make them and/or go out with existing ones. Take her on a mother/daughter trip. Some place far away for a week. Or two. Is she in school? If not, see if she will enroll.
I'm sorry for her pain. It sucks, I know. It's happened to me a time or two. It takes away your self-esteem. She needs to gain it back.
I agree with all of this but I could never convince her to slow down. She says she has to "be herself".
Well, after a few more heartaches, maybe she'll listen. In the meantime, I'd leave a copy of the book laying around for her to pick up if she chooses.. Don't make a big deal about it. Maybe the curiosity will get the better of her and she'll pick it up. If she has a Kindle, you can buy it on Amazon and have it sent to her tablet.
If she's only 20, I assume the guys she is dating are about the same, and if she's intense into romance at that age - she is likely scaring them off. They are young and immature and not ready for that serious a relationship.
The thing to do is assure her that it is not HER in that there is something wrong with her, but that she needs to have fun and enjoy dating without getting so serious. Regardless of how sweet and wonderful she is, there are just too many guys not ready for serious, intense relationships at that age, and there's really nothing "wrong" with that.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It's that intensity that scares them off. No matter how intense the guy will be, if she paced herself, they would not lose interest. Don't see him every day or every night. Four times a week is too much.
Don't immediately return phone calls or texts. Don't share your life story with him. Keep some, tell some. Don't try to get in good with the family, not for a long time anyway. Don't invest too much. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Date around. Date, not sleep. Don't sleep with them right away either. Get to know them first.
Be light and carefree, not intense. Don't give every detail of your day. Make him wonder what you are doing. Don't talk on the phone for hours on end. Or text the evening away. Keep texts short, and limit phone conversations to 10 minutes. Be incommunicado. If a man is interested, he'll make more of an effort to see you. Don't accept a last minute date. She should require a minimum of 3 days notice. Hasn't asked her out for the weekend by Wednesday, make other plans, and keep them. He will realize he needs to act sooner if he wants to see her.
As old fashioned as it sounds, get her The Rules book. I think there's one out now that is more modern to today's text/email, etc., culture.
In the meantime, get her out. Does she have friends? Encourage her to make them and/or go out with existing ones. Take her on a mother/daughter trip. Some place far away for a week. Or two. Is she in school? If not, see if she will enroll.
I'm sorry for her pain. It sucks, I know. It's happened to me a time or two. It takes away your self-esteem. She needs to gain it back.
I agree with all of this but I could never convince her to slow down. She says she has to "be herself".
She does have to be herself. And, in reality , you can't fix this for her. It is just something she has to work through. And, she will.
This is why it's important to encourage other friendships and focusing on school/work.
She's 20.
Is she in school? Does she work? Have community involvements?
Very few people have it together at 20.
I always tried to keep Caitlyn aware of life and that there is a future to plan and prepare for.
I have a nephew and niece who think they just HAVE to be in a romantic relationship or they are less of a person.
They are 17 and 15. It's sad and ridiculous.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
If she's only 20, I assume the guys she is dating are about the same, and if she's intense into romance at that age - she is likely scaring them off. They are young and immature and not ready for that serious a relationship.
The thing to do is assure her that it is not HER in that there is something wrong with her, but that she needs to have fun and enjoy dating without getting so serious. Regardless of how sweet and wonderful she is, there are just too many guys not ready for serious, intense relationships at that age, and there's really nothing "wrong" with that.
Well. Unless it is her.
I'm not saying that in a bad way.
Just that maybe some time to mature and grow in her own security could be a very good thing.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Well, so what if it is "her"? So she should try to change to keep some guy? Yes, of course, one should look at oneself, but it he wasnt' that committed or that into her. She was the GF of the moment. And, really what else you expect from young guys?
Well, so what if it is "her"? So she should try to change to keep some guy? Yes, of course, one should look at oneself, but it he wasnt' that committed or that into her. She was the GF of the moment. And, really what else you expect from young guys?
There's a difference between changing who you are and making yourself less available. The latter can and should be changed, if she wants to weed out the wrong ones.
And yeah, 20 something guys don't usually want to commit. Unless they are head over heels. And most are head over lust at that age.
Well, so what if it is "her"? So she should try to change to keep some guy? Yes, of course, one should look at oneself, but it he wasnt' that committed or that into her. She was the GF of the moment. And, really what else you expect from young guys?
Because intersection is how we grow.
If she is clingy, insecure or just unreasonable in her expectations, then yeah. That needs to change.
Change isn't bad when done for the right reasons.
And this kind of change would be for her own benefit.
Not to please another.
The best way to attract the person you want, is to be the person you want.
If you are not whole in and of yourself, how can you expect anyone else to be?
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Well, so what if it is "her"? So she should try to change to keep some guy? Yes, of course, one should look at oneself, but it he wasnt' that committed or that into her. She was the GF of the moment. And, really what else you expect from young guys?
There's a difference between changing who you are and making yourself less available. The latter can and should be changed, if she wants to weed out the wrong ones.
And yeah, 20 something guys don't usually want to commit. Unless they are head over heels. And most are head over lust at that age.
No kidding.
Once you learn the difference between love and lust, it's a whole new ballgame.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
If she's only 20, I assume the guys she is dating are about the same, and if she's intense into romance at that age - she is likely scaring them off. They are young and immature and not ready for that serious a relationship.
The thing to do is assure her that it is not HER in that there is something wrong with her, but that she needs to have fun and enjoy dating without getting so serious. Regardless of how sweet and wonderful she is, there are just too many guys not ready for serious, intense relationships at that age, and there's really nothing "wrong" with that.
Well. Unless it is her.
I'm not saying that in a bad way.
Just that maybe some time to mature and grow in her own security could be a very good thing.
You really shouldn't ignore the rest of that sentence. She is who she is and shouldn't have to change that. She just needs to change her expectations and demands on a relationship at this age.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I'm sorry your dd was hurt. The geeks gave a lot of good advice here. Give her lots of hugs, do a spa day or something you both enjoy together. Encourage her to focus on school/future. Majority of guys at 20 are not mature enough to make good relationships.
Thank you guys. Talking about this helped a lot. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant for motherhood. This is all too hard for me.
I am so not looking forward to this when DD is old enough. Dating and getting dumped is a part of life from teens until about mid 20's. Your daughter is not alone. There is nothing wrong with her, she is 20 and all that age it brings. I think what she needs to do is have interests outside of relationships, interests that, no matter what crap is going on in her life, she enjoys doing. I wish I did when I was younger. Perhaps you should show her our suggestions. They come not just from "old" people, but from our experiences when we were her age.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
After she gets over this, I would tell her to try changing how she dates. No more exclusively and make the guy very aware that she is dating only. In the end, a guy chases a girl until he is caught.
And she is only 20 for goodness sake. She is only getting started in life. She should take her time and not sweat it. After all, ALL relationships fail until that last one right?
The thing about that book....whether you buy into it or not, it's about developing self-esteem, bettering yourself, and pursuing interests, etc. That's really what's in the forefront. Landing a guy is secondary. And if you think the book isn't about that, you haven't read it.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Whatever you do, do not make a bigger deal put of it than she does. That will just make it worse. Just let her be, and listen if she wants to talk.
Being dumped sucks, but as far as I can tell, actually ending relationships is even worse.
I would rather be dumped ten times than break up with someone.
Which is odd, because I have been in nine relationships and ended seven of them. . .
