DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, when I picked my granddaughter "Michelle" up from school, she asked me to take her to get a pizza. I told her I had no money, and she responded that she had her own money. She then pulled $40 out of her pocket.
Michelle is only 9 and has no job. When I asked where she got the money, she told me, "A little boy who's disabled gave it to me." I didn't believe her story, and after I questioned her further, she confessed that she had taken the money from a boy who is NOT disabled.
I took the money from her and gave it to her teacher. Her teacher said the boy had accused Michelle, but Michelle had sworn she hadn't taken it. Abby, my granddaughter not only took his money, but also lied about it. I was devastated.
When I told my daughter, she said I should have let her and her husband handle it because now Michelle's teacher won't like her and may treat her differently. My daughter is now upset with me, but I was just trying to do the right thing. Did I do the wrong thing? -- HURT GRANDMA IN TEXAS
DEAR HURT GRANDMA: I don't think so. I'm not sure how your daughter planned to "handle it" and make things right for the boy who was bullied and stolen from, but by doing what you did, you ensured that he got his money back.
One can only hope that Michelle got a talking-to from her parents about what she did, and has learned not to repeat it. But if she's tempted to do it again, it's just as well that her teacher will keep a closer eye on her.
How about Michelle not take anyone's money regardless of why he has it.
I wonder how the mom planned to handle the situation? Her worry was that the teacher wouldn't like Michelle now. Doesn't sound like Michelle is very likable.
BTW, I give all my nieces and nephews a $50 bill for their birthday.
As for the teacher not liking the kid? Well, she doesn't seem very likable, now does she. She's a thief and a liar. There are usually consequences for that. She's lucky she wasn't suspended.
I'm glad the kid got his money back, and now he's learned a valuable lesson about the fact that some people will steal, so be more careful with your money.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
The "teacher not liking the kid" thing is so overblown. MOST teachers are very professional and they arent going to take it out on your kid. Or, maybe your kid needs some toughness. My oldest son was quite a handful. I used to ask around to find out who the "mean " teachers were and request them for him. He didn't need coddle, he needed a daily kick in the pants. I think he reached his peak obnoxiousness at age 14. And, he was being annoying in class. I made him write handwritten letters of apology to all of his teachers for being Obnoxious! lol
Today, he is 20 and a very fine young man if I do say so myself!
When my younger son was little, all of the sudden, he came into possession of a White Gameboy. I said, where did you get that? Oh i 'found it" he said. Ok, you found it, fine. Now we have to try to find out who lost it and return it. Then he said, his friend "gave" it to him. I said, which friend. And, no that is an expensive gift and I am going to have to check with the mother to make sure that was indeed a gift and OK by her. Then he said, "oh i bought it from my friend for $40". I said, ok, well you are not allowed to buy stuff like that unless you first check with me. I don't want you buying things from friends because i don't know if their parents are aware of that or not. Then, he admitted that one of his friends forgot it at the house and he was just using it. So, i had took him over to return it immediately, made him apologize and punished him for lying to me. I told him any truth is going to be far less of a problem than a lies. I can handle the truth , whatever that is. But, lying, absolutley not.
Anyway, it isn't "devastating" if you kids make mistakes. That is a learning opportunity. HOLD their feet to the fire. That is how they learn. Don't act like this oooh soooo devastating. Deal with it like a parent. Sheesh.
I don't think the grandmother should have gone to the school. That's for the parents to do, so I believe she did overstep there. However, I think Michelle is a little sh!t who needs to be taught a serious lesson.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I don't think the grandmother should have gone to the school. That's for the parents to do, so I believe she did overstep there. However, I think Michelle is a little sh!t who needs to be taught a serious lesson.
I disagree. Grandma discovered it, grandma dealt with it. Maybe they dont' like the way she dealt with it but too bad. Part of life is being held accountable to a variety of people, not just mom and dad. And, nipping it in the bud and have her face the consequences immediately with her teacher was absolutely the right approach.
I just can't see it. Yes, be accountable to other people not just mom and dad. Grandma should have made Michelle tell her parents what she did, while grandma observed to ensure she told it right. Then it's up to mom and dad to deal with the school and Michelle. Grandma had the best intentions, and may have done exactly what I would have done, but I would still be a little mad that she stepped in and went to the school/teacher. As a parent, that's my job. As a grandparent, that is not your job.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I just can't see it. Yes, be accountable to other people not just mom and dad. Grandma should have made Michelle tell her parents what she did, while grandma observed to ensure she told it right. Then it's up to mom and dad to deal with the school and Michelle. Grandma had the best intentions, and may have done exactly what I would have done, but I would still be a little mad that she stepped in and went to the school/teacher. As a parent, that's my job. As a grandparent, that is not your job.
Mad at Grandma? Oh FFS! The person to be mad at is your kid for being a thief. Thank Grandma for handling it. Wow.
I think the GM did the right thing. I understand it oversteps the bounds of the parents, but this was a theft and should be dealt with swiftly. The GM made the kid face consequences immediately. Kids need to learn that punishment is swift.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Not saying I wouldn't be mad at my kid. I would absolutely be freaking furious with her. But I would also be a bit peeved that my mom went to the school directly without talking to me first. Honestly, my mom would NEVER have done that. It's just the way we handle things. She would have come directly to me and then I would have handled it. It isn't grandma's place to go to the school. If Michelle brings home a bad report card is it grandma's place to contact the school about her grades too? No. It is between the parents and the school. Grandma should have told the parents what happened (or made Michelle do it) and let them handle it with the school. It's their job.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Well, i wouldn't be mad. Holding my kids accountable and having grandma stand in the gap is a GOOD thing. Yes, there may situations that grandma shouldn't handle. But, i believe this was absolutely the best possible way it could have been handled. So, KUDOS to Grammy.
Not saying I wouldn't be mad at my kid. I would absolutely be freaking furious with her. But I would also be a bit peeved that my mom went to the school directly without talking to me first. Honestly, my mom would NEVER have done that. It's just the way we handle things. She would have come directly to me and then I would have handled it. It isn't grandma's place to go to the school. If Michelle brings home a bad report card is it grandma's place to contact the school about her grades too? No. It is between the parents and the school. Grandma should have told the parents what happened (or made Michelle do it) and let them handle it with the school. It's their job.
Stealing someone's money is a totally different situation than a bad report card. The boy deserved his money back immediately.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
And that's another thing that I would have done differently. I would have driven Michelle over to his house and made her give it back to him and apologize to him and his parents. She can certainly still apologize, but I would like to have made her hand the money over as well.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I don't think the grandmother should have gone to the school. That's for the parents to do, so I believe she did overstep there. However, I think Michelle is a little sh!t who needs to be taught a serious lesson.
We really don't know the dynamics of the relationship. Does the Grandma pick her up every day?
It sounds like grandma was already at the school or still close by when she discovered the money so I completely agree with making sure the money got back to right person as soon as possible. I see nothing wrong with her handling it. It makes more sense to me actually.
And that's another thing that I would have done differently. I would have driven Michelle over to his house and made her give it back to him and apologize to him and his parents. She can certainly still apologize, but I would like to have made her hand the money over as well.
Thats a good idea if they know where the kid lives. I think making her confess and apologize the next day after the grandma turned in the money would acceptable too.
Making the kid and parents wait over night worrying about the money he lost is not worth it just so the daughter can hand it over herself.
The right thing to do is the right thing to do. Not sure why anyone has to overthink it. She stole the money. It was handled and the money returned when that was discovered. That is the Right thing to do. If the girl was embarrassed in front of her teacher or whatever, then so be it. The teacher already KNOWS if this is a sneaky girl. So calling her out with evidence actually will improve the relationship now that she has been held accountable. Teachers know that kids made mistakes so I think mom needs to get over her VSS.
One thing i really believe in is letting your kids FAIL. Allow them to fail. The only way to actually succeed in life is by working through your failures and mistakes. The people who suck most at life are the ones who have been coddled and shielded from any real consquences. It doens't make the child a "terrible person'. She stole something. She got caught. She now most likely learned. ANd, she can go foward now being a better person. The ones who don't learn have it covered up and explained away and then it becomes a pattern and way of life for them and corrupts who they are. Good kids make mistakes. So, no it isn't "devastating". It is a mistake. One that is owned up to and handled.
When my older son wasn't doing his homework, i was on his case for a long time. And, he was younger so I thought that I had to be. When he hit High School, i told him that my hands were off the wheel. You have to OWN it. He got snarky and said, "fine i just won't do my homework". So, i said, OK, don't do your homework then. It isnt my homework. I did my homework. I will support you until you are 18. But, if that is what you CHOOSE to do, then so be it. The day you turn 18, if that has been your approach, I will drop you under the nearest bridge and you can figure out how to fend for yourself. He looked at me like i was crazy! LMAO! He knew I meant it. I am not going to listen to any bullschit as to why you didnt' do what you are SUPPOSED to do. I don't care WHY. It is either done or not. And, guess what? You have to do a whole lot of what you don't want to do in order to be able to do what you do want to do.
The right thing to do is the right thing to do. Not sure why anyone has to overthink it. She stole the money. It was handled and the money returned when that was discovered. That is the Right thing to do. If the girl was embarrassed in front of her teacher or whatever, then so be it. The teacher already KNOWS if this is a sneaky girl. So calling her out with evidence actually will improve the relationship now that she has been held accountable. Teachers know that kids made mistakes so I think mom needs to get over her VSS.
I agree.
Mom's worried about the teacher not liking her because she stole the money, so I'm not sure how she was planning on spinning that in the daughter's favor. It sounds like she might not have even turned it in.
It sounds like grandma was already at the school or still close by when she discovered the money so I completely agree with making sure the money got back to right person as soon as possible. I see nothing wrong with her handling it. It makes more sense to me actually.
That's how it sounded to me too, they were still at the school, the parking lot or something.
What if they had been shopping, and the granddaughter took something from the store and the grandmother discovered it in the parking lot? Would it not be ok for the grandmother to return the item? She should keep the stolen item and give it to the parents to deal with?
The right thing to do is the right thing to do. Not sure why anyone has to overthink it. She stole the money. It was handled and the money returned when that was discovered. That is the Right thing to do. If the girl was embarrassed in front of her teacher or whatever, then so be it. The teacher already KNOWS if this is a sneaky girl. So calling her out with evidence actually will improve the relationship now that she has been held accountable. Teachers know that kids made mistakes so I think mom needs to get over her VSS.
I agree.
Mom's worried about the teacher not liking her because she stole the money, so I'm not sure how she was planning on spinning that in the daughter's favor. It sounds like she might not have even turned it in.
Yes, and wanting to "spin" it in the first place says a lot more about her Parents. It is what it is. She stole it. The facts are the facts. Trying to spin it is just evidence that parents were going to be wussie whiners about it and try to explain it away. Grandma got the kid on the Right track. And, shame on them if they don't fully support what Grandma did in front of her. If they don't, then they are sending her the message that somehow she was punished "unfairly".
One thing i really believe in is letting your kids FAIL. Allow them to fail. The only way to actually succeed in life is by working through your failures and mistakes. The people who suck most at life are the ones who have been coddled and shielded from any real consquences. It doens't make the child a "terrible person'. She stole something. She got caught. She now most likely learned. ANd, she can go foward now being a better person. The ones who don't learn have it covered up and explained away and then it becomes a pattern and way of life for them and corrupts who they are. Good kids make mistakes. So, no it isn't "devastating". It is a mistake. One that is owned up to and handled.
When my older son wasn't doing his homework, i was on his case for a long time. And, he was younger so I thought that I had to be. When he hit High School, i told him that my hands were off the wheel. You have to OWN it. He got snarky and said, "fine i just won't do my homework". So, i said, OK, don't do your homework then. It isnt my homework. I did my homework. I will support you until you are 18. But, if that is what you CHOOSE to do, then so be it. The day you turn 18, if that has been your approach, I will drop you under the nearest bridge and you can figure out how to fend for yourself. He looked at me like i was crazy! LMAO! He knew I meant it. I am not going to listen to any bullschit as to why you didnt' do what you are SUPPOSED to do. I don't care WHY. It is either done or not. And, guess what? You have to do a whole lot of what you don't want to do in order to be able to do what you do want to do.
I'm just going to follow you around and agree with you today, lol, but yes, this!
We did a Love and Logic parenting course through our church, and one thing that stuck out to me was that they said to let your kids make lots of mistakes now, back off and let them fail, because if they don't make these mistakes now as children, they will make them later as adults, when the consequences are much higher.
Well, my older son literally didn't use his brain for any of his high school years. He is now doing GREAT at his Tech School to become an electrician. Now all of the sudden he says he wants to go on for more schooling! So, we really had to PRESS on him for years. In fact, when he was 14, I made him "live Amish" which meant I wound up taking every electronic gizmo, computer, game boy, TV, anything that plugged in our had a battery and all media! That was a hard year for him but we had to show him we really meant business!
One thing i really believe in is letting your kids FAIL. Allow them to fail. The only way to actually succeed in life is by working through your failures and mistakes. The people who suck most at life are the ones who have been coddled and shielded from any real consquences. It doens't make the child a "terrible person'. She stole something. She got caught. She now most likely learned. ANd, she can go foward now being a better person. The ones who don't learn have it covered up and explained away and then it becomes a pattern and way of life for them and corrupts who they are. Good kids make mistakes. So, no it isn't "devastating". It is a mistake. One that is owned up to and handled.
When my older son wasn't doing his homework, i was on his case for a long time. And, he was younger so I thought that I had to be. When he hit High School, i told him that my hands were off the wheel. You have to OWN it. He got snarky and said, "fine i just won't do my homework". So, i said, OK, don't do your homework then. It isnt my homework. I did my homework. I will support you until you are 18. But, if that is what you CHOOSE to do, then so be it. The day you turn 18, if that has been your approach, I will drop you under the nearest bridge and you can figure out how to fend for yourself. He looked at me like i was crazy! LMAO! He knew I meant it. I am not going to listen to any bullschit as to why you didnt' do what you are SUPPOSED to do. I don't care WHY. It is either done or not. And, guess what? You have to do a whole lot of what you don't want to do in order to be able to do what you do want to do.
I'm just going to follow you around and agree with you today, lol, but yes, this!
We did a Love and Logic parenting course through our church, and one thing that stuck out to me was that they said to let your kids make lots of mistakes now, back off and let them fail, because if they don't make these mistakes now as children, they will make them later as adults, when the consequences are much higher.
Except that's not always true. DH's daughter is a perfect example!
How would the parents have "handled it differently"????
Let her keep the money? Pocket it, themselves?
Look, the kid is 9. Old enough to know better--but still young and dumb enough to think they can get away with such things. She's not a hardened criminal in the making IF they use this moment to teach her a lesson.
MAYBE grandma should have let mom and dad handle it--that depends on what sort of relationship they've all had the past 9 years--but I'm worried that the parents might not have done much, at all.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Not saying I wouldn't be mad at my kid. I would absolutely be freaking furious with her. But I would also be a bit peeved that my mom went to the school directly without talking to me first. Honestly, my mom would NEVER have done that. It's just the way we handle things. She would have come directly to me and then I would have handled it. It isn't grandma's place to go to the school. If Michelle brings home a bad report card is it grandma's place to contact the school about her grades too? No. It is between the parents and the school. Grandma should have told the parents what happened (or made Michelle do it) and let them handle it with the school. It's their job.
Maybe.
I think it depends a little bit on the type of relationship they've all had. If grandma is a constant care-giver, then what do the parents expect? She's going to "give care".
I've seen it over and over. Mom works (and dad, too, if he's in the picture), so the kid is with grandma all day and even some on weekends so mom (and maybe dad) can have a social life. Grandma practically raises the kid--and then mom and dad get all bent out of shape if grandma crosses over some ill-defined, barely there, VERY crooked line.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Somebody sees my kid doing something they shouldnt, I have no problem with them calling my kid on it.
Grandma was there. Grandma immediately took care of it.
I think the grandma should have marched the girl in, made her confess and give it back and then busted her butt for it.
And the parents should have grounded the girl the second they found out.
This isn't a "handle it" situation. This is a put it to a stop moment.
-- Edited by lilyofcourse on Saturday 9th of January 2016 11:50:45 AM
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
My MIL watched both my kids when they were young and I was working. I can see her doing the exact same thing as this grandma did in this situation and with my blessing.
One thing i really believe in is letting your kids FAIL. Allow them to fail. The only way to actually succeed in life is by working through your failures and mistakes. The people who suck most at life are the ones who have been coddled and shielded from any real consquences. It doens't make the child a "terrible person'. She stole something. She got caught. She now most likely learned. ANd, she can go foward now being a better person. The ones who don't learn have it covered up and explained away and then it becomes a pattern and way of life for them and corrupts who they are. Good kids make mistakes. So, no it isn't "devastating". It is a mistake. One that is owned up to and handled.
When my older son wasn't doing his homework, i was on his case for a long time. And, he was younger so I thought that I had to be. When he hit High School, i told him that my hands were off the wheel. You have to OWN it. He got snarky and said, "fine i just won't do my homework". So, i said, OK, don't do your homework then. It isnt my homework. I did my homework. I will support you until you are 18. But, if that is what you CHOOSE to do, then so be it. The day you turn 18, if that has been your approach, I will drop you under the nearest bridge and you can figure out how to fend for yourself. He looked at me like i was crazy! LMAO! He knew I meant it. I am not going to listen to any bullschit as to why you didnt' do what you are SUPPOSED to do. I don't care WHY. It is either done or not. And, guess what? You have to do a whole lot of what you don't want to do in order to be able to do what you do want to do.
I agree with all of this. It's actually been proven that kids learn self esteem by failing and then moving forward, not by having smoke blown up their behinds and everyone getting a trophy.
I justnwouldnt be happy if my mother talked to the teacher or school. I feel thats for the parent to do, not the care giver - regardless of who the care giver is.
If my parents are watching my kids and my kids screw up, yes, deal with it. But talking to the school is my job as a parent and I wouldn't want anyone talking to the school except me or DH. Just my personal preference.
-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Saturday 9th of January 2016 01:11:48 PM
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
If a relative picked up DS and discovered he stole something from a classmate, not only would we expect them to do what the grandma in the OP did but we would thank them for it. Our friend G has the same "permissions" as our families as far as disciplining DS is concerned.
I will say that DS would be one very unhappy boy if he ever steals. We're not the coddling type of parents. There are consequences for actions in our home and we do our best to make sure those consequences are consistent across the board. DS is also expected to obey the house rules of whoever's home he is in.
One thing i really believe in is letting your kids FAIL. Allow them to fail. The only way to actually succeed in life is by working through your failures and mistakes. The people who suck most at life are the ones who have been coddled and shielded from any real consquences. It doens't make the child a "terrible person'. She stole something. She got caught. She now most likely learned. ANd, she can go foward now being a better person. The ones who don't learn have it covered up and explained away and then it becomes a pattern and way of life for them and corrupts who they are. Good kids make mistakes. So, no it isn't "devastating". It is a mistake. One that is owned up to and handled.
When my older son wasn't doing his homework, i was on his case for a long time. And, he was younger so I thought that I had to be. When he hit High School, i told him that my hands were off the wheel. You have to OWN it. He got snarky and said, "fine i just won't do my homework". So, i said, OK, don't do your homework then. It isnt my homework. I did my homework. I will support you until you are 18. But, if that is what you CHOOSE to do, then so be it. The day you turn 18, if that has been your approach, I will drop you under the nearest bridge and you can figure out how to fend for yourself. He looked at me like i was crazy! LMAO! He knew I meant it. I am not going to listen to any bullschit as to why you didnt' do what you are SUPPOSED to do. I don't care WHY. It is either done or not. And, guess what? You have to do a whole lot of what you don't want to do in order to be able to do what you do want to do.
I agree with all of this. It's actually been proven that kids learn self esteem by failing and then moving forward, not by having smoke blown up their behinds and everyone getting a trophy.
I justnwouldnt be happy if my mother talked to the teacher or school. I feel thats for the parent to do, not the care giver - regardless of who the care giver is.
If my parents are watching my kids and my kids screw up, yes, deal with it. But talking to the school is my job as a parent and I wouldn't want anyone talking to the school except me or DH. Just my personal preference.
-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Saturday 9th of January 2016 01:11:48 PM
Yes it is the parent's "job". But, we USED to consider it the job of adults to actually mind children. If you see a lost child or some kid really doing something wrong, you step in an adult way. One time, i was driving my car up a steep brick road. And, 2 boys were standing at the top with skateboards ready to plummet down this hill. THis was a big hill. Anyway, when i got to the top, i rolled down the window and said "Does your mom know what are about to do? lol"? They laughed and said, they were going to sit on their skateboards and not stand on them. Neither had helmets, etc on. Anyway, i laughed and said, you should be careful. I then just drove around the block for the heck of it to see what they would do and they were walking down with a skateboard.
Another time, there was a young girl in our neighborhood walking alone. About 7 years old. I stopped and said, "Is your mom around?". She said, Oh we just moved in around the corner. I said, ok, just so your mom knows where you are. Then she said she was on her way home and i watched her walk home.
No, i am not the parent. But, everyone should look out for the welfare of children. Yes, don't be a busybody but there are times to give your attention. And, this wasn't some neighbor or stranger, this was grandma. If my mom disciplined my kids, I supported her discipline WHETHER i agreed with it or not. Sometimes I didn't. But, my mom had a privileged position in terms of my kids to do that.
Again, I support grandma disciplining the child. I think that is totally appropriate. I agree with you doing what you did in your post above. I just don't want anyone talking to the teacher or the school except for me or DH. Just my personal preference.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Again, I support grandma disciplining the child. I think that is totally appropriate. I agree with you doing what you did in your post above. I just don't want anyone talking to the teacher or the school except for me or DH. Just my personal preference.
I can agree with that. I would want to talk to the teacher about my kid myself and I would have even if the grandma already did. But I do think the grandma was right to at least return the money right away.
How would the parents have "handled it differently"????
Let her keep the money? Pocket it, themselves?
Look, the kid is 9. Old enough to know better--but still young and dumb enough to think they can get away with such things. She's not a hardened criminal in the making IF they use this moment to teach her a lesson.
MAYBE grandma should have let mom and dad handle it--that depends on what sort of relationship they've all had the past 9 years--but I'm worried that the parents might not have done much, at all.
I agree with this. And maybe Grandma knew it. That kid deserved his money back and this little **** needed to be taught something. It doesn't sound like her parents are doing too great a job.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
