TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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 Basing major decisions on the whims of a 4 year old is ridiculous and bizarre.

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 Why can't you understand that it is not what the 4 year old did?  This is not a tantrum.  The SIL did this TO her.  You really let people be mean to your kids and go on as if nothing happened?

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 Of course.  We always let people "be mean" to our kids.  

flan327 wrote:

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DemoniaD wrote:

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I can understand changing ones mind. Maybe some other factors came in to play and the niece was a better fit. Fair enough.

What I don't understand is why anyone, let alone an adult, would not at a minimum inform the original parties of a change. Is it awkward to say a day after asking "I know we asked your daughter yesterday, but we decided niece would be a better fit for the job." But what is really to be gained by ignoring the situation hoping it will go away, until you have no choice but to say you changed your mind? A whole lot of awkwardness, and hurt and anger in the family because the BTB couldn't be bothered to own up to her decision.

I don't think I would cut someone off over it, but they wouldn't be someone I associated with outside of family obligations either.

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 That shows her true colors, imo.

And WHY can't she have TWO flower girls?

flan

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 I don't know why.  Her husband should ASK his sister.  I have said that already.  

flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I am not the one with some going on and on about it. If that happened to me, i would be over it, i wouldn't be writing to an advice column.

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 Are you 4 years old?

flan

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 A 4 yr old would be 'over it " in like 30 sec.  It is the Adults who keep this kind of crap going on and on.

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 I disagree.

flan

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 Long time, no 4 year old, then.  

It was 100% dependent on how mom handled it.  It was moms feelings that were involved here, not a 4 year olds.  

Mom could have said that we are going to buy you a pretty dress and go to this wedding.

instead, she's been b!thing and belly aching about how her daughter doesn't get to be flower girl.  

NAOW wrote:

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Just because a mom is upset does not mean she is verbalizing that to the four year old.

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 Thank you. My child comes before my feelings.

flan

flan327 wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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Just because a mom is upset does not mean she is verbalizing that to the four year old.

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 Thank you. My child comes before my feelings.

flan

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 Not really.  Indulging your "feelings" is an EXCUSE to cause pain to your own kid.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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If you cared about your child, you would minimize the so called "hurt" of this.

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 There is no "so-called" hurt. It's real.

I would probably take her dress shopping & plan a special afternoon for her.

flan

NAOW wrote:

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Just because a mom is upset does not mean she is verbalizing that to the four year old.

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 Oh baloney.  That is the ONLY reason the 4 year old is upset.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I am not the one with some going on and on about it. If that happened to me, i would be over it, i wouldn't be writing to an advice column.

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 Are you 4 years old?

flan

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 A 4 yr old would be 'over it " in like 30 sec.  It is the Adults who keep this kind of crap going on and on.

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 That is just flat out NOT true.  It has been way too long since you've had a 4 year old. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I am not the one with some going on and on about it. If that happened to me, i would be over it, i wouldn't be writing to an advice column.

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 Are you 4 years old?

flan

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 A 4 yr old would be 'over it " in like 30 sec.  It is the Adults who keep this kind of crap going on and on.

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 That is just flat out NOT true.  It has been way too long since you've had a 4 year old. 

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 Oh bull.  I have 3 kids.  Think i know how a 4 yr old thinks and acts.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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If you cared about your child, you would minimize the so called "hurt" of this.

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 No, I'd make sure my SIL never had an opportunity to hurt her again.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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If you cared about your child, you would minimize the so called "hurt" of this.

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 There is no "so-called" hurt. It's real.

I would probably take her dress shopping & plan a special afternoon for her.

flan

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 Uh huh.  When my son was 5 or 6, at the end of his baseball season there were trophies.  His name was grossly misspelled.  I COULD have made a stink about and pointed it out, blah, blah.  But, i didn't .  He seemed happy.  He didnt' notice till years later.

Another case in point, when my son was a senior, they had the team jerseys on the wall.  They forgot my son's.  Yeah, i was pissed.  So it was either, create a scene or suck it up as if it wasn't that big of a deal.  Yes, he was hurt and we were hurt.  The coach simply forgot his jersey.  Was that "right"?  Of course not, but what was to be served to make my son feel WORSE than he already did?  You tell me.

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 That's not even hardly the same thing.  They let him play baseball, didn't they? 

And your son was hurt when he was a senior, he didn't need you to tell him to be hurt.  Your comparisons don't work.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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If you cared about your child, you would minimize the so called "hurt" of this.

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 There is no "so-called" hurt. It's real.

I would probably take her dress shopping & plan a special afternoon for her.

flan

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 Uh huh.  When my son was 5 or 6, at the end of his baseball season there were trophies.  His name was grossly misspelled.  I COULD have made a stink about and pointed it out, blah, blah.  But, i didn't .  He seemed happy.  He didnt' notice till years later.

Another case in point, when my son was a senior, they had the team jerseys on the wall.  They forgot my son's.  Yeah, i was pissed.  So it was either, create a scene or suck it up as if it wasn't that big of a deal.  Yes, he was hurt and we were hurt.  The coach simply forgot his jersey.  Was that "right"?  Of course not, but what was to be served to make my son feel WORSE than he already did?  You tell me.

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 That's not even hardly the same thing.  They let him play baseball, didn't they? 

 

And your son was hurt when he was a senior, he didn't need you to tell him to be hurt.  Your comparisons don't work.

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 Oh oK.  You get to decide what 'works".  Turning some 4 yr old into some sobbing victim seems kind of stupid to me, but have it at it if that's what you all want.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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If you cared about your child, you would minimize the so called "hurt" of this.

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 There is no "so-called" hurt. It's real.

I would probably take her dress shopping & plan a special afternoon for her.

flan

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 Uh huh.  When my son was 5 or 6, at the end of his baseball season there were trophies.  His name was grossly misspelled.  I COULD have made a stink about and pointed it out, blah, blah.  But, i didn't .  He seemed happy.  He didnt' notice till years later.

Another case in point, when my son was a senior, they had the team jerseys on the wall.  They forgot my son's.  Yeah, i was pissed.  So it was either, create a scene or suck it up as if it wasn't that big of a deal.  Yes, he was hurt and we were hurt.  The coach simply forgot his jersey.  Was that "right"?  Of course not, but what was to be served to make my son feel WORSE than he already did?  You tell me.

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 That's not even hardly the same thing.  They let him play baseball, didn't they? 

 

And your son was hurt when he was a senior, he didn't need you to tell him to be hurt.  Your comparisons don't work.

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 Oh oK.  You get to decide what 'works".  Turning some 4 yr old into some sobbing victim seems kind of stupid to me, but have it at it if that's what you all want.

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 And you keep ASSUMING the mother hasn't simply tried to console her child.  You are ASSUMING the mother is the reason the kid is upset.  The SIL asked the kid directly, why isn't the kid allowed to be upset?  Kids are allowed to have emotions, they are allowed to cry when they get their feelings hurt.  And kids should not have to "understand" this kind of behavior by someone that is supposed to love them. 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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I've had two 4 years old a whole lot more recently than either one of you, and either one of my children would have gotten extremely excited, obsessed over the wedding coming up, and been devastated if this had been done to them. Baby J was a bride for Halloween, for heaven's sake. She's only 5 now and she still talks about stuff from when she was 3.

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 None of my 4 yr olds would have gotten "obsessed" about being in some stupid wedding.

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 Kids like different things.  Mine wouldn't care about anything sports related.  How would your kid feel to be invited to play in an all-star game, only to be told right before the game that they changed their mind and picked a different kid? 

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 Oh, ok.  Do you think that has never happened?  They don't grow up and go on Oprah, they learn that life has disappointments.

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 Really, your kid was kicked out of a sports event they really, really wanted to play in for no reason just so some other kid could take their place?  And you were ok with that?  Bull.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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No, i know what the attention span of a 4 yr old IS. It is MOM who is keeping the hurt alive.

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 Maybe your child had no attention span.  Mine certainly does.   And even at 4 she knew what being asked to be in a wedding was. 

NAOW wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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If you cared about your child, you would minimize the so called "hurt" of this.

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 If it were me, I would minimize to my daughter and help her get over it and still be pissed at the SIL. I can do two things at once. 

Yes, disappointment is a part of life, that doesn't mean we jump for joy when presented with an opportunity to teach that lesson to our kids.

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 Exactly.  And besides, regardless of the teaching moment for disappointment - the one who actually NEEDS to be taught a lesson is SIL.  The child did nothing wrong.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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If you cared about your child, you would minimize the so called "hurt" of this.

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 If it were me, I would minimize to my daughter and help her get over it and still be pissed at the SIL. I can do two things at once. 

Yes, disappointment is a part of life, that doesn't mean we jump for joy when presented with an opportunity to teach that lesson to our kids.

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 Exactly.  And besides, regardless of the teaching moment for disappointment - the one who actually NEEDS to be taught a lesson is SIL.  The child did nothing wrong.

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 LOL!!!  Teaching lessons is almost never about something done wrong.  That's not the lesson here.  Wow.

flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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No, i know what the attention span of a 4 yr old IS. It is MOM who is keeping the hurt alive.

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Funny, I work with 4-year-olds every day. And they're each unique.

flan

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 You don't seem to know much about them.

TrudyML wrote:

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Give the kid a soft serve chocolate ice cream. Then tell her to go hug the bride.

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 Hahahahaha!  That is almost worth going to the wedding for!

flan327 wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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No, i know what the attention span of a 4 yr old IS. It is MOM who is keeping the hurt alive.

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Funny, I work with 4-year-olds every day. And they're each unique.

flan

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 You don't seem to know much about them.

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 Oh, husker, your delusions are showing again...

flan

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 Your posts indicate exactly what I said.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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The only thing that child has learned out of this whole thing is that her aunt is mean and can't be trusted.

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 Probably since that is all mom is going to teach.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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The only thing that child has learned out of this whole thing is that her aunt is mean and can't be trusted.

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 Probably since that is all mom is going to teach.

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Unless Mom lies to her, there isn't really much else to learn. 

 

"Auntie asked me to do it, why can't I?"  "She picked your cousin to do it." 

"Why?"  "I don't know." 

"Why does she get to do it and I don't?"  "I don't know."

"Doesn't she like me, anymore?"  "Yes, of course, honey, but sometimes people choose other people to do things. She loves them, too."

"More than she loves me?"  "No, of course not. She loves you both."

"They why does she get to be the flower girl and I don't?" 

 

And on and on.  What exactly is she supposed to say - sometimes grown-ups screw up?  Yeah, they do.  But grown-up admit it and apologize when necessary and this one didn't.  No matter what Mom says - there is no fixing this.  This little girl is always going to know she wasn't important to her aunt. 

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 Sure there is.  

A.  Sometimes in life you will be disappointed.

B.  Sometimes even people you think love you will disappoint you.

C.  Said disappointment is not the end of the world.

D.  In reality, this is a minor thing.

E.  Life's little setbacks are no reason to treat others poorly, especially those who didn't disappoint you but are still counting on you to do the right thing.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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The only thing that child has learned out of this whole thing is that her aunt is mean and can't be trusted.

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 Probably since that is all mom is going to teach.

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Unless Mom lies to her, there isn't really much else to learn. 

 

"Auntie asked me to do it, why can't I?"  "She picked your cousin to do it." 

"Why?"  "I don't know." 

"Why does she get to do it and I don't?"  "I don't know."

"Doesn't she like me, anymore?"  "Yes, of course, honey, but sometimes people choose other people to do things. She loves them, too."

"More than she loves me?"  "No, of course not. She loves you both."

"They why does she get to be the flower girl and I don't?" 

 

And on and on.  What exactly is she supposed to say - sometimes grown-ups screw up?  Yeah, they do.  But grown-up admit it and apologize when necessary and this one didn't.  No matter what Mom says - there is no fixing this.  This little girl is always going to know she wasn't important to her aunt. 

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 Sure there is.  

A.  Sometimes in life you will be disappointed.

B.  Sometimes even people you think love you will disappoint you.

C.  Said disappointment is not the end of the world.

D.  In reality, this is a minor thing.

E.  Life's little setbacks are no reason to treat others poorly, especially those who didn't disappoint you but are still counting on you to do the right thing.

 

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 You can say all those things, but it WILL NOT MAKE IT BETTER.  It doesn't fix it.  No amount of "teaching" that the grown ups in your life will let you down is going to make a 4 year old feel better. 

Hell, if someone did this to an adult, the adult would be upset. 

Kids get to have hurt feelings when someone wrongs them.  But NOBODY should wrong a 4 year old this way. 

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 That is such bull****.  an ice cream cone will make a 4 year old feel better.