TOTALLY GEEKED!

huskerbb · Guru

RE: Dear Abby - Heartbroken 4 year old

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
See - your problem is you are focusing on how the child and mother should react rather than how the SIL should have acted in the first place. HER behavior is inexcusable. The child being upset is normal. The mom being mad is normal. The only person who did wrong here is the BRIDE.
Yeah. thats not The problem. That's where the focus SHOULD be. You can't control other people. You can only control yourself.

Oh, and another good lesson is that some things can't be fixed--especially if you blow up the family over NOTHING.

LOL! This from the person continually harping on what people should have done when it can't be changed.

And this is not a family I would care about "blowing up." The fact that MIL didn't shake some sense into her but went along with this? Good riddance.

-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Tuesday 12th of January 2016 05:55:12 PM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

How people treat children shows a great deal about their character. This SIL is one character my life would be complete WITHOUT.

Besides - it's HER place to apologize. SHE is the one that screwed up.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

My SS, A BOY (You did read that correctly didn't you? A BOY!), was ring bearer in both of our ceremonies. The first, at the JOP, was a few days after his fourth birthday. The second, our big ceremony, was nine months later when he was going on five. He CLEARLY remembers both ceremonies and remembers holding the rings. At the JOP he had them in his pocket and his pocket was full of lint and when he handed us the rings they were all linty. He remembers us teasing him about that. He also remembers his kilt and his ring bearer pillow at the fancy ceremony. He can tell you what food we ate. He will tell you that he served everyone finger sandwiches. He is 11 now and can still, to this day, tell you the exact date of BOTH weddings. If you think for a minute a four year old doesn't know or internalize these things you are stupid.

And I don't give a damn if you are my family. Being "family" doesn't give you the right to walk all over me, mistreat me, or otherwise be rude or take advantage of me. To this day I find it odd that people the same behavior in people in their family that they wouldn't tolerate in a split second from a friend.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
My SS, A BOY (You did read that correctly didn't you? A BOY!), was ring bearer in both of our ceremonies. The first, at the JOP, was a few days after his fourth birthday. The second, our big ceremony, was nine months later when he was going on five. He CLEARLY remembers both ceremonies and remembers holding the rings. At the JOP he had them in his pocket and his pocket was full of lint and when he handed us the rings they were all linty. He remembers us teasing him about that. He also remembers his kilt and his ring bearer pillow at the fancy ceremony. He can tell you what food we ate. He will tell you that he served everyone finger sandwiches. He is 11 now and can still, to this day, tell you the exact date of BOTH weddings. If you think for a minute a four year old doesn't know or internalize these things you are stupid.

And I don't give a damn if you are my family. Being "family" doesn't give you the right to walk all over me, mistreat me, or otherwise be rude or take advantage of me. To this day I find it odd that people the same behavior in people in their family that they wouldn't tolerate in a split second from a friend.

Exactly. Being family is an accident of birth. Remaining family requires a relationship.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
How people treat children shows a great deal about their character. This SIL is one character my life would be complete WITHOUT.

Besides - it's HER place to apologize. SHE is the one that screwed up.

Indeed it does. husker, you have a granddaughter now. Ice cream does NOT make it better.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
How people treat children shows a great deal about their character. This SIL is one character my life would be complete WITHOUT.

Besides - it's HER place to apologize. SHE is the one that screwed up.

I agree that she should apologize. Most likely she doesn't even realize that this was that important to her or the kid. So, she should tell SIL that was hurtful and at least make her aware of the need to apologize and see where it goes from there. Or, keep stewing in her own juices I guess, her choice.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
See - your problem is you are focusing on how the child and mother should react rather than how the SIL should have acted in the first place. HER behavior is inexcusable. The child being upset is normal. The mom being mad is normal. The only person who did wrong here is the BRIDE.

All the "shoulds" or 'should have dones" don't change anything. Spending your life on what others "should do or should have done" is going to make for a pretty miserable life as you have zero control over what others "should or shouldn't do". The only person you control is you. If you want to call her up and tell her to F Off, then call her up and tell her to F Off. If you want to give her a lump of coal for a wedding gift, then do that. If you don't want to go to the wedding , don't go. That is yours to control.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

DD was thoroughly engrossed in both weddings she was in. She spent months acting out exactly how she would walk down the aisle, how she would scatter the flowers, she practiced dancing around in her pretend fancy dress...it was months and months of anticipation and role playing. She told anyone who would listen that she was going to be a flower girl and what date the wedding was and what color her flowers were. She was 3 1/2 at the time of the first wedding she was in and that's how she acted. When she was 4 1/2 and in the second wedding she acted exactly the same. It was almost one solid year of hearing about the weddings she was in. It drove me about nuts. If someone had "uninvited" her to be in their wedding, it would have taken more than an ice cream cone to make it better. She would have been devastated. And I didn't give 2 sh!ts about her being in the weddings because they were both on DH's side of the family and we didn't even know the people getting married that well. If it had been an aunt ---- I can't even imagine the hurt and the pain it would have caused.

If you think an ice cream cone would have made it better, you have a really low opinion of 4 year olds.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
See - your problem is you are focusing on how the child and mother should react rather than how the SIL should have acted in the first place. HER behavior is inexcusable. The child being upset is normal. The mom being mad is normal. The only person who did wrong here is the BRIDE.
All the "shoulds" or 'should have dones" don't change anything. Spending your life on what others "should do or should have done" is going to make for a pretty miserable life as you have zero control over what others "should or shouldn't do". The only person you control is you. If you want to call her up and tell her to F Off, then call her up and tell her to F Off. If you want to give her a lump of coal for a wedding gift, then do that. If you don't want to go to the wedding , don't go. That is yours to control.

Telling a 4 year old it's no big deal when it really was to her doesn't work, either. And it isn't going to change how hurt she is.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
My SS, A BOY (You did read that correctly didn't you? A BOY!), was ring bearer in both of our ceremonies. The first, at the JOP, was a few days after his fourth birthday. The second, our big ceremony, was nine months later when he was going on five. He CLEARLY remembers both ceremonies and remembers holding the rings. At the JOP he had them in his pocket and his pocket was full of lint and when he handed us the rings they were all linty. He remembers us teasing him about that. He also remembers his kilt and his ring bearer pillow at the fancy ceremony. He can tell you what food we ate. He will tell you that he served everyone finger sandwiches. He is 11 now and can still, to this day, tell you the exact date of BOTH weddings. If you think for a minute a four year old doesn't know or internalize these things you are stupid.

And I don't give a damn if you are my family. Being "family" doesn't give you the right to walk all over me, mistreat me, or otherwise be rude or take advantage of me. To this day I find it odd that people the same behavior in people in their family that they wouldn't tolerate in a split second from a friend.
Exactly. Being family is an accident of birth. Remaining family requires a relationship.

You are the one who wants to sever that.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

It's already been broken, husker.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

flan327 wrote:
It's already been broken, husker.

flan

no, it has not.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
It's already been broken, husker.

flan
no, it has not.

Yes, it has. Some of you have the mistaken notion that relationships with children are not as important as with the adults. That slights and meanness to kids don't matter - just teach the kid to get over it. SIL broke their relationship. I would NEVER want to be close to someone who was so mean to my kid. I wouldn't care that they were "family".

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
It's already been broken, husker.

flan
no, it has not.
Yes, it has. Some of you have the mistaken notion that relationships with children are not as important as with the adults. That slights and meanness to kids don't matter - just teach the kid to get over it. SIL broke their relationship. I would NEVER want to be close to someone who was so mean to my kid. I wouldn't care that they were "family".

Get over it. It's NOT A BIG DEAL, or its only a big deal because you make it so.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Hurting my child is a very big deal.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
Hurting my child is a very big deal.

Yes, it is.

And it could have ALL been avoided.

flan

chef · Guru

Seems my post didn't show up. I don't see it anyway. I forget what all I said but the gist was that I'd be more upset that the SIL didn't let me know she had reneged on my DD being flower girl. SIL should've called the DD's mom with the change of plans immediately rather than letting the DD get more and more excited in anticipation of the wedding.

Tinydancer · Guru

Some people don't care if you hurt their kids because they'd rather teach them a lesson than stick up for them I guess. I don't understand that mindset but there's a lot of things parents do that I will never understand or think is right. Then again I would never take parenting advice from some anyway.

DemoniaD · Senior Member

Where can I sign up for a kid that ice cream fixes everything with? Is there some software I can load to mine? I'm quite fond of the ones I've got, so I don't want new ones, but it would be so much easier if the ones I have would accept an ice cream bribe.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

DemoniaD wrote:
Where can I sign up for a kid that ice cream fixes everything with? Is there some software I can load to mine? I'm quite fond of the ones I've got, so I don't want new ones, but it would be so much easier if the ones I have would accept an ice cream bribe.

Ask husker.

Maybe the ice cream is magic?

flan

huskerbb · Guru

DemoniaD wrote:
Where can I sign up for a kid that ice cream fixes everything with? Is there some software I can load to mine? I'm quite fond of the ones I've got, so I don't want new ones, but it would be so much easier if the ones I have would accept an ice cream bribe.

You raise them to not let little crap bother them.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Hurting my child is a very big deal.

Oh FFS. Do you give your child everything they want? when you don't, their feelings are hurt.

Tinydancer · Guru

You're wrong.

Lindley · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
DemoniaD wrote:
Where can I sign up for a kid that ice cream fixes everything with? Is there some software I can load to mine? I'm quite fond of the ones I've got, so I don't want new ones, but it would be so much easier if the ones I have would accept an ice cream bribe.
You raise them to not let little crap bother them.

Nor do you let family crap on them either.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Hurting my child is a very big deal.
Oh FFS. Do you give your child everything they want? when you don't, their feelings are hurt.

Husker - this is a stupid comparison. This isn't about a tantrum, or wanting something and not getting it. This is about someone intentionally getting my child excited about something and then snatching it away.

You can let people be as mean as you want to your kids. I will not.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
Some people don't care if you hurt their kids because they'd rather teach them a lesson than stick up for them I guess. I don't understand that mindset but there's a lot of things parents do that I will never understand or think is right. Then again I would never take parenting advice from some anyway.

And that's how we get entitled brats whose parents go to school to confront the teacher because little Johnny can do no wrong.

Tinydancer · Guru

Believe what you want but you're wrong.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Yep. He's wrong. That little girl is going to remember this and the only thing that would make it worse is if she also remembered that her parents didn't care that someone did this to her.

DemoniaD · Senior Member

huskerbb wrote:
DemoniaD wrote:
Where can I sign up for a kid that ice cream fixes everything with? Is there some software I can load to mine? I'm quite fond of the ones I've got, so I don't want new ones, but it would be so much easier if the ones I have would accept an ice cream bribe.
You raise them to not let little crap bother them.

So the ice cream doesn't actually work then?

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Yep. He's wrong. That little girl is going to remember this and the only thing that would make it worse is if she also remembered that her parents didn't care that someone did this to her.

The ONLY reason she'll remember it is because it's the reason they won't spend Christmas with grandma.

but , in truth, they'll probably get divorced and then her father will take her to spend time with that side of the family, anyway.

Tinydancer · Guru

If my husband let his family treat our child this way it certainly wouldn't end well that's for sure.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
Some people don't care if you hurt their kids because they'd rather teach them a lesson than stick up for them I guess. I don't understand that mindset but there's a lot of things parents do that I will never understand or think is right. Then again I would never take parenting advice from some anyway.
And that's how we get entitled brats whose parents go to school to confront the teacher because little Johnny can do no wrong.

You are comparing apples to aardvarks now.

flan

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Two things are extremely apparant.

1. Husker has never been a little girl.

2. Husker has never been the parent of a little girl.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
Two things are extremely apparant.

1. Husker has never been a little girl.

2. Husker has never been the parent of a little girl.

3. husker cannot imagine any perspective other than his own MALE one.

flan

weltschmerz · Guru

DemoniaD wrote:
Where can I sign up for a kid that ice cream fixes everything with? Is there some software I can load to mine? I'm quite fond of the ones I've got, so I don't want new ones, but it would be so much easier if the ones I have would accept an ice cream bribe.

I think the ice cream has to be laced with Valium.

When my child was upset, ice cream didn't "fix" diddly-squat.

chef · Guru

My 2 year old holds a grudge like a champion. That ice cream would have to have way more than Valium in it.

Lindley · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Two things are extremely apparant.

1. Husker has never been a little girl.

2. Husker has never been the parent of a little girl.

No but being married he should know women to not forget unjust acts.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
If my husband let his family treat our child this way it certainly wouldn't end well that's for sure.

ok, but Then what? It's not out of the question that he'd get custody. Even if custody is split in some fashion you would have no ability to stop him from having his children interact with his family.

Tinydancer · Guru

If I divorced him for this which would not have happened because he would have told off anyone including his brother or sister that treated his child this badly. I'm glad he would stand up for them seeing just how much you seem to think it's ok. You be the wussy father if you want but my husband would stand up to his family.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Two things are extremely apparant.

1. Husker has never been a little girl.

2. Husker has never been the parent of a little girl.
3. husker cannot imagine any perspective other than his own MALE one.
flan

What a sexist comment. I have veen a little girl and i have a daughter.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

The mom should give the husband an ultimatum. Either he makes a big scene about this or she should divorce him.

Tinydancer · Guru

I think she meant husker who has never been a little girl or had a daughter.

Tinydancer · Guru

You can bet I'd make a scene. I wouldn't need him to do it for me.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Divorce?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
It's already been broken, husker.

flan
no, it has not.
Yes, it has. Some of you have the mistaken notion that relationships with children are not as important as with the adults. That slights and meanness to kids don't matter - just teach the kid to get over it. SIL broke their relationship. I would NEVER want to be close to someone who was so mean to my kid. I wouldn't care that they were "family".

No i think the well being of my child is much more important than my personal vendetta to prove how wrong the SIL is. My child is better served if i teach her to how to cope , to let things go and to deal with life and be happy. Maybe some of you prefer being a right fighter more than you care about your kid's feelings. Gotta be right no matter what the cost!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Tinydancer wrote:
If I divorced him for this which would not have happened because he would have told off anyone including his brother or sister that treated his child this badly. I'm glad he would stand up for them seeing just how much you seem to think it's ok. You be the wussy father if you want but my husband would stand up to his family.

That's because you chose well. My husband wouldn't put up with this crap, either.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
If I divorced him for this which would not have happened because he would have told off anyone including his brother or sister that treated his child this badly. I'm glad he would stand up for them seeing just how much you seem to think it's ok. You be the wussy father if you want but my husband would stand up to his family.

LOL!!! He can't even stand up to a 4 year old. LOL!!!!

however, I wasn't really talking about you, specifically, and that doesn't answer the question, in general.

again, this is the EXACT same mentality as the parents of entitled brats who can do no wrong.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
If I divorced him for this which would not have happened because he would have told off anyone including his brother or sister that treated his child this badly. I'm glad he would stand up for them seeing just how much you seem to think it's ok. You be the wussy father if you want but my husband would stand up to his family.
LOL!!! He can't even stand up to a 4 year old. LOL!!!!

however, I wasn't really talking about you, specifically, and that doesn't answer the question, in general.

again, this is the EXACT same mentality as the parents of entitled brats who can do no wrong.

Versus simply being the sibling of entitled brats that you don't stand up to when they hurt your kid?

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
How people treat children shows a great deal about their character. This SIL is one character my life would be complete WITHOUT.

Besides - it's HER place to apologize. SHE is the one that screwed up.
I agree that she should apologize. Most likely she doesn't even realize that this was that important to her or the kid. So, she should tell SIL that was hurtful and at least make her aware of the need to apologize and see where it goes from there. Or, keep stewing in her own juices I guess, her choice.

I agree with that. I wouldn't skip the wedding over it, though.