DEAR ABBY: I moved overseas for work when I was 18. My father divorced my mom around the same time. I used to come back to the U.S. for two weeks every year to visit and stay with Mom. However, for the past eight years she has sent me emails "suggesting" in a roundabout way that I was not totally welcome. Because of this, I haven't been back in six years.
For the last 20-plus years I have given my mother about $7,000. Because I'm not welcome in her home, I told her I won't give her any more. She is now showing regret for her previous emails, but for me it's too late. Since I'm no longer sending money, she will have to sell her condo.
She's getting old and doesn't have much time left, and I can't wait until she passes on. I despise her. For me it is unacceptable for a mother to not welcome her son into her home for two weeks a year. Am I overreacting? Is my level of hate valid? -- REJECTED SON IN THAILAND
DEAR REJECTED SON: Not knowing your mother's reason for implying you weren't welcome to stay with her, your question is hard to answer. I understand why you would feel hurt, even angry. But looking forward to the day she's no longer on this earth strikes me as an overreaction.
From what I have read on the subject -- as well as personal experience -- I have concluded that hatred is like acid. It hurts the hater worse than the person at whom it is aimed. At this point your mother has lost her son and now she's losing her home. I'd say that's a large dose of punishment for her lack of hospitality. If you can't mend fences, then dwell on the positive things you have in your life rather than wasting time wishing her dead.
I have to wonder how the issue of the money came up? When she told him he couldn't come, did he suffer a knee-jerk reaction and say, "Well, then I won't give you money..na na na." Or when the annual check did not arrive, did Mom call him and inquire?
And why wasn't he welcome? Was he involved in a relationship and wanted to bring his SO with him and she did not approve of the two of them "cohabiting" under her roof? Does he drink milk from the carton when he's there, or is he critical of her and her home? Or does he use her home as a base and spend the whole time out carousing, not really spending time with her? Or maybe Mom had a new beau and she wanted to keep it a secret?
Looking forward to her demise is really not the same as wishing her dead. But it does seem a bit extreme, since they do not even live near each other where presumably they aren't involved in each other's daily lives. Now if Mom was constantly calling, emailing, etc., to the point of stalking, then I can understanding wanting to be free of her chains. But it doesn't really sound like this is the case here.
Barring any reasonable excuse, such as if son were a horrible house guest or imposes a threat of harm to Mom or her home, I agree it is unacceptable for a mother to not welcome her children into her home. But it sounds like hate has become a defense mechanism to cope with his pain. Perhaps Mom knows he's not completely stable and fears him.
