Q. Detached adult son: I am sad my 25-year-old son couldn’t care less about his family. He dropped out of school and lives at home but works the late shift, so we never see him. He will not visit his grandparents, whom he used to adore (they live nearby). He never bought anyone (except his girlfriend) a Christmas present, and he avoids all family functions and has no guilt or remorse saying this is just how he is. He gets tested at work, so we know he is not on drugs. He is the type that if he never saw any of us again he would be OK with that. He has a brother who is not like that at all. My heart breaks that they will never have a relationship or that his father and I cannot count on his help since he is so emotionally detached (and content).
A: I’m reluctant to suggest your son may be depressed with relatively few details, especially because it’s very possible to be an alienated young adult without suffering from clinical depression, but it is certainly a possibility to bear in mind as you think about how best to relate to him.
He’s functioning, but he’s not present, and it doesn’t seem to bother him, even as it devastates you. That sounds incredibly painful. While you can’t force him into therapy or to make a doctor’s appointment, I think for your own well-being you should see a counselor about this. Longing for a child who does not want to be close to you is an agonizing state of unrequited love, and you shouldn’t have to bear your feelings alone.
He says he is fine with “never seeing any of you again,” but he’s also perfectly happy to live at home with you, presumably rent-free. One of the things I think you should discuss with your counselor are appropriate boundaries. While you shouldn’t punish him financially for his coldness, there’s no reason you should be his landlord indefinitely. It might be better for the both of you if he could live independently, and the two of you could work on your relationship without the added pressure of living together.
While I agree with her advice to charge room/board, I wonder why people these days are so quick to recommend counseling. Particularly when the mother's feelings are both warranted and...normal. I do not believe heartbreak requires the need for counseling automatically, particularly when she has a husband with whom to confide and talk to, as well as parents.
Some people are just more introverted and detached. A man of few words. That doesn't necessarily make him an "ass". However, he should be visiting grandma. Not visiting grandma makes him an ass.
Really? You are going to kick your own 25 yr old son to the curb? Maybe he has a lot to learn in life. I don't think rent or any of that is the issue. I am betting that he has never been required to be engaged in the family. That he hasn't been made to be a participating member. So, my approach would be to get him out of his room. You are going to be REQUIRED to engage in the family household. That includes cleaning, taking out the trash and driving grandma to her hair appointment and coming to dinner with the family on Sunday. If that is not acceptable to you, then you may move out and pay your own way and bills.
And people don't seem to get that there 2pm would be like their 2am.
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