Dear Prudence, About a year ago I met a woman through work who became a close friend and very important part of my life. While we enjoy each other’s company in general, we really bonded over our faith. My church is open and affirming and embraced me as a gay Christian. The problem is my friend comes from a much more conservative church and takes a hard line on the topic. She always knew I’m gay and never said a word about it, but then I asked what her thoughts were on the subject, and now she won’t leave it alone. She says she’s not condemning me, just “giving me things to think about.” She’s so persistent about it that I’m having panic attacks. I don’t know if I’m big enough to stay friends with her. At the same time, she’s been such a meaningful part of my journey. I fear I’m losing my friend and my faith.
—Friend In Need
No wonder you’re having panic attacks—someone who calls herself your friend is suggesting that you are a mistake and an abomination, and then has the gall to say she means it as simply food for thought. Cruelty often wears a friendly mask. She may not be shouting at you or using explicit language, but she’s wearing you down by repeating that she thinks there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way you experience love. That isn’t friendship. Tell her that she’s made her opinion abundantly clear and that she’s hurting you by continuing to bring up how awful she thinks being gay is. Her behavior is neither loving nor compassionate nor Christlike. If she can’t let it go after that, as much as her friendship may have meant to you in the past, for the sake of your emotional health you’ll have to let her go in return.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
The gay friend should say "my life and the choices of my life are between myself and God". I will answer to God for my choices and you will answer to God for yours. I don't have to answer for you nor do you have to answer for me. Therefore, I am a fully competent, aware adult who has choosen to make different choices in life. I love and appreciate you as a friend. I understand there are things about my life that you do not embrace and vice versa. Therefore, I am going to ask that we can find the common ground of our friendship and continue loving one another despite our differences or we will need to part ways. The ball is in your court.
Be careful the questions you ask, you may not get the answers you want.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Dear Prudence, About a year ago I met a woman through work who became a close friend and very important part of my life. While we enjoy each other’s company in general, we really bonded over our faith. My church is open and affirming and embraced me as a gay Christian. The problem is my friend comes from a much more conservative church and takes a hard line on the topic. She always knew I’m gay and never said a word about it, but then I asked what her thoughts were on the subject, and now she won’t leave it alone. She says she’s not condemning me, just “giving me things to think about.” She’s so persistent about it that I’m having panic attacks. I don’t know if I’m big enough to stay friends with her. At the same time, she’s been such a meaningful part of my journey. I fear I’m losing my friend and my faith.
—Friend In Need
No wonder you’re having panic attacks—someone who calls herself your friend is suggesting that you are a mistake and an abomination, and then has the gall to say she means it as simply food for thought. Cruelty often wears a friendly mask. She may not be shouting at you or using explicit language, but she’s wearing you down by repeating that she thinks there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way you experience love. That isn’t friendship. Tell her that she’s made her opinion abundantly clear and that she’s hurting you by continuing to bring up how awful she thinks being gay is. Her behavior is neither loving nor compassionate nor Christlike. If she can’t let it go after that, as much as her friendship may have meant to you in the past, for the sake of your emotional health you’ll have to let her go in return.
Wow. Assumption, much? Nice of Prudy to put words in someone's mouth.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Also - nowhere does that letter say that after asking her opinion, that s/he asked her to stop or told her it was enough. The fact the woman never said a word until asked directly her opinion shows she is not a "religious bully". What the hell? Ask people their opinion and they are a bully b/c they give it to you?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Also - nowhere does that letter say that after asking her opinion, that s/he asked her to stop or told her it was enough. The fact the woman never said a word until asked directly her opinion shows she is not a "religious bully". What the hell? Ask people their opinion and they are a bully b/c they give it to you?
Exactly, she needs to tell her to stop and never bring it up again.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
The gay friend should say "my life and the choices of my life are between myself and God". I will answer to God for my choices and you will answer to God for yours. I don't have to answer for you nor do you have to answer for me. Therefore, I am a fully competent, aware adult who has choosen to make different choices in life. I love and appreciate you as a friend. I understand there are things about my life that you do not embrace and vice versa. Therefore, I am going to ask that we can find the common ground of our friendship and continue loving one another despite our differences or we will need to part ways. The ball is in your court.
Gaga completely nailed it! Very well said.
I on the other hand am not nearly as diplomatic & would have told her to F off.
Me thinks Prudy is gay and has taken more offense than required.
LW asked her friend, and got an answer she was not expecting. She enjoyed a wonderful friendship with this person, until she chose to make her orientation an issue. Now she's surprised it's an issue.
Maybe friend thinks the LW was seeking assistance in her quest to sort out her "choices" vs. the teachings of JC and God's words in the bible. Maybe she thinks she is trying to help, when LW doesn't think she needs help.
Either way, she has only invested a year into this friendship. She's free to cut the friendship lose, and say what LGS has recommended.
I can't help about the shape I'm in I can't sing, I ain't pretty and my legs are thin But don't ask me what I think of you I might not give the answer that you want me to
Oh well
Now, when I talked to God I knew he'd understand He said, "Stick by my side and I'll be your guiding hand But don't ask me what I think of you I might not give the answer that you want me to"
Oh well
Goes through my mind every time I open this thread.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
