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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Abby: Painful Divorce
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DEAR ABBY: I was married for 27 years before my divorce. The ending of my marriage was both painful and unexpected. I was in therapy throughout the divorce and for some time after.

Later I moved to another state so I would no longer have to risk running into him. But just when I think I have moved on, something is said or something happens that brings my pain and anger back to the surface.

I heard once that when one is in a serious relationship, that it can take twice as long to get over it. Is this the same for a marriage? Can I expect it to take 2 times 27 years before I am finally over my ex and my divorce? -- UNEXPECTED DIVORCE

DEAR U.D.: There is no set timetable for "getting over" a divorce. Much depends on the reasons for it. Some people hang onto their pain and anger for the rest of their lives. Others grow beyond the experience and are able to move on. They cultivate new friends and interests, and sometimes find a romance to replace the one that was lost. I predict you will move beyond your pain and anger when you are ready for another relationship.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2016/1/18/couples-excessive-drinking-strains-longtime-friendship

 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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It seems like a pretty immature question. I am not sure how one 'gets over" being married for 27 years. That is a huge chunk of your life. How do you "get over" that? Does she just expect to forget 27 years of her life or something? I mean, there are things you just learn to live with. That was a part of your life good and bad that made you who you are today. The marriage is over but that doesns't erase those years of your life. I don't think the answer is to act like it never happened but to accept that as part of your life and now life for today and your future going forward and understand you are not going back to those days.

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A friend of mine was married for over 38 years when he decided he had had enough and left her. She's doing great, but it took a bit of time. Even married off their three daughters over the summer and he was there at each one. With his girlfriend, I would assume.

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Lawyerlady


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People who take their vows seriously and expect to be married for life usually have a difficult time when that is unexpectedly yanked from under them. But, you know, if was probably her fault. She was probably too demanding and/or no longer interesting enough, so the husband went and found a new bedmate and since he's happy, that's all that matters.  evileye



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huskerbb


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Lawyerlady wrote:

People who take their vows seriously and expect to be married for life usually have a difficult time when that is unexpectedly yanked from under them. But, you know, if was probably her fault. She was probably too demanding and/or no longer interesting enough, so the husband went and found a new bedmate and since he's happy, that's all that matters.  evileye

 People basing decisions on their feelings, again.  In this case, his need to feel happy.

causes a lot of damage.

 

 



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lilyofcourse


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When a marriage ends, it feels like a death.

How do you deal with and move on from a death?

You go through the same stages of grief.

And yes, it's always there. That little something just under the surface.

It isn't about getting over it. It's about learning to live with it.

And there is a difference in how others treat you.

When you lose a loved one, you get sympathy, people try to help you get through it. You have a support system.

But when you get divorced, people want to know why, they will say things like, should have tried harder or should have chose better.

Divorce hurts. Like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.

So I can understand the difficulty moving on.

And the therapy, if it is a good therapist, is worth it.

But the best advice I can give is keep moving.

Stay busy.

Don't give yourself any time to think.

Wear yourself out completely so when you go to bed, you're too tired to think.

Keep your mind and your hands busy.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Lawyerlady wrote:

People who take their vows seriously and expect to be married for life usually have a difficult time when that is unexpectedly yanked from under them. But, you know, if was probably her fault. She was probably too demanding and/or no longer interesting enough, so the husband went and found a new bedmate and since he's happy, that's all that matters.  evileye

 Did you ever notice that the new wife is always just a younger version of the old wife?  They seem to pick the same type but 20 yrs younger.



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lilyofcourse wrote:

When a marriage ends, it feels like a death.

How do you deal with and move on from a death?

You go through the same stages of grief.

And yes, it's always there. That little something just under the surface.

It isn't about getting over it. It's about learning to live with it.

And there is a difference in how others treat you.

When you lose a loved one, you get sympathy, people try to help you get through it. You have a support system.

But when you get divorced, people want to know why, they will say things like, should have tried harder or should have chose better.

Divorce hurts. Like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.

So I can understand the difficulty moving on.

And the therapy, if it is a good therapist, is worth it.

But the best advice I can give is keep moving.

Stay busy.

Don't give yourself any time to think.

Wear yourself out completely so when you go to bed, you're too tired to think.

Keep your mind and your hands busy.

 This.



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lilyofcourse


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

People who take their vows seriously and expect to be married for life usually have a difficult time when that is unexpectedly yanked from under them. But, you know, if was probably her fault. She was probably too demanding and/or no longer interesting enough, so the husband went and found a new bedmate and since he's happy, that's all that matters.  evileye

 Did you ever notice that the new wife is always just a younger version of the old wife?  They seem to pick the same type but 20 yrs younger.

 No.

Not always true.



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I'm the same age as DH's ex.

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weltschmerz


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

People who take their vows seriously and expect to be married for life usually have a difficult time when that is unexpectedly yanked from under them. But, you know, if was probably her fault. She was probably too demanding and/or no longer interesting enough, so the husband went and found a new bedmate and since he's happy, that's all that matters.  evileye

 Did you ever notice that the new wife is always just a younger version of the old wife?  They seem to pick the same type but 20 yrs younger.

 Nope, not always. I was older than the ex-wife.



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She needs to learn to move on.

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