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ed11563


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Q. Deadbeats and deadlines:
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Q. Deadbeats and deadlines: I have worked hard my whole life and am lucky enough to be able to buy a home and also take care of my mother. I have taken over the mortgage, lights, and water bill for her these past three years since my dad passed away. I saw the bills skyrocket this past fall and found out my drug-addict sister and her kids have moved in and are sponging off my mother. A call to my mother has her calling me cruel and crying about how she can’t be asked to throw out her “grandbabies” (who are 20 and 18)! I live in a different state and took on the financial burden so my mother could stay near her friends, not to take care of my leech of a sister. I can’t kick them out, as the property is not in my name, but my boyfriend tells me to quit paying for everything and let a foreclosure force my mother to either kick out my sister or come live with me. I do not have a clear mind on this. Please advise (and I have given help to my sister—two wrecked cars and I stopped).

A: It’s entirely fair for you to not want to support your sister and her adult children. What you should try to resist is the urge to punish your mother for taking them in. Pushing her into foreclosure is a terrible strategy for getting her to come live with you. If anything, it will make her want to run away from you. If you want to stop paying your mother’s bills, that’s your right, but don’t cut her off without warning. Make a plan together so she can make alternate financial arrangements—perhaps you can continue paying her mortgage for the next six months, while she takes over the utilities and starts preparing to make her own mortgage payments or refinance.

You can disentangle yourself financially from your mother without punishing her for refusing to cut off your sister as you have. Do not use your financial support as a weapon to try to control your mother’s behavior. Not only will you not get what you want out of it, but you’ll cause additional and unnecessary pain to others.



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Nobody Just Nobody


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Sorry, if mom is allowing this behavior and for this long having a talk with her about finances is not going to help. Mom will see any drop in income as a slight. I would sit mom down and tell her I would be ending my financial support on such and such a date. If she decides to move sis and the kids out then we can renegotiate.

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karl271


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I agree with NJN. Mom is not about to listen to anything about financial restructuring, etc. etc. Afraid her mind is made up and she needs a rude awakening.

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Exactly, mom already says she can't throw out her grandbabies. So any kind of "Let's work together to resolve this..." is going to end in, "You're trying to force me to do what you want."

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Ugh. No. I wouldn't want to fund that either. She's in a tight spot here. Not sure there is a right answer, she just has to decide what she can live with.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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It's going to be painful no matter what. And she will be blamed and painted as the bad guy. That sucks but thats life. Cut the cord.

She could just move mom out and help her get on her feet in a one bedroom apt for a couple months then be done.

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Simple solution is to tell mom that since there are 4 adults living there that LW will provide 25% of the cost of expenses and the rest is up to the others. It isn't using money as a control, it's about being generous to the intended recipient without being forced to support others she doesn't want to or deserve it.

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Lawyerlady


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

Simple solution is to tell mom that since there are 4 adults living there that LW will provide 25% of the cost of expenses and the rest is up to the others. It isn't using money as a control, it's about being generous to the intended recipient without being forced to support others she doesn't want to or deserve it.

 I agree with this, but with 3 other adults in the house, I think it's sis's turn to support mom.  I'd pay the house payment for one or two more months - no utilities, and be done.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Unfortunately, this seems to happen quite a bit nowadays. Somebody tries to help and instead of making the situation better, it turns into someone wanting a lifetime of support and taking advantage of the person trying to help.
As for mom, the sister is there so it is probably easy for her to manipulate her mother's emotions. She needs to have a sit down with mom and clearly spell out what she is going to do. She may be willing to support her mom on some level, apart from the sister. Maybe she still wants too, that's up to her. But, she needs clearly define what that looks like and what those parameters are. And ,they will all have a big hissy that they gravy train is coming to a stop.

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huskerbb


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Poor advice.

There is no way to cut back without making mom and the deadbeats mad, and any move towards making mom come up with another plan IS trying to control behavior--which is what Prudie bizzarely thinks can be avoided using her six month plan.

I would just continue to pay the mortgage. It's a fixed expense the LW was paying, anyway. It's immaterial that sis and her worthless kids are now living there.

Let them pay the utilities on their own. Surely between the four of them, one or two can get a job.

If that isn't enough, the ball is in moms court. She can choose between foreclosure and booting out the deadbeats. She'll be mad, either way.

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Good points.

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Lawyerlady


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There are THREE able bodied adults living in that house. They should be paying for it.

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Well, what they SHOULD be doing, they obviously aren't.

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Lawyerlady


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well, what they SHOULD be doing, they obviously aren't.

And LW should stop enabling it.  She can't control what she does - but she can control how she contributes to it. 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I agree. Stop funding their nonsense.

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Riding


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I agree, stop the funding. it is time for the others to step up. or not...their choice for their actions or inactions

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If the LW decides to pay only 25% of the bills the mom is still going to be angry. There's really no way out of this but to sit her down and tell her what you'll pay and for how long. Mom will get mad, sis will get mad, kids will get mad. They'll either get over it or not. Probably not. It basically comes down to two choices, support mom and the sibling and kids for the rest of their lives or cut funding. No matter how you cut funding mom, sis, and the kids are going to be angry. Just do it already. Clean cut. Get it over with.

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So I've been through this situation. Pops asked all of his kids to buy him a house but we refused because not only would he and his new wife live there, but so would her two deadbeat adult children. We told him we would not support them. It has not ruined our relationship with him but I do believe he is rethinking his generosity toward her and her adult children. He respects our opinions, every single one of us have a logical head on our shoulders and he knows that.

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huskerbb


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

If the LW decides to pay only 25% of the bills the mom is still going to be angry. There's really no way out of this but to sit her down and tell her what you'll pay and for how long. Mom will get mad, sis will get mad, kids will get mad. They'll either get over it or not. Probably not. It basically comes down to two choices, support mom and the sibling and kids for the rest of their lives or cut funding. No matter how you cut funding mom, sis, and the kids are going to be angry. Just do it already. Clean cut. Get it over with.

 Yeah--I don't get how Prudie thinks the LW can cut off support for her mother (and vicariously her deadbeat sibling and her deadbeat kids)--and they won't be mad.

 

I guess I chalk this one up as another one of her "young and naive" posts.  



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huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

If the LW decides to pay only 25% of the bills the mom is still going to be angry. There's really no way out of this but to sit her down and tell her what you'll pay and for how long. Mom will get mad, sis will get mad, kids will get mad. They'll either get over it or not. Probably not. It basically comes down to two choices, support mom and the sibling and kids for the rest of their lives or cut funding. No matter how you cut funding mom, sis, and the kids are going to be angry. Just do it already. Clean cut. Get it over with.

 Yeah--I don't get how Prudie thinks the LW can cut off support for her mother (and vicariously her deadbeat sibling and her deadbeat kids)--and they won't be mad.

 

I guess I chalk this one up as another one of her "young and naive" posts.  

 Well, since the LW says the mom isn't going to take action against her sis and the kids I don't see many options.  If mom would talk about options then it would be different.  But she's pretty much already given her answer.



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