TOTALLY GEEKED!

huskerbb · Guru

Now I've seen everything. Worst advice ever.

huskerbb · Guru

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Hi, Carolyn: My bright, giddy, delightful 5-year-old has recently started acting out in kindergarten. As in, kicked three kids yesterday, refused to participate in class the day before, etc. I made an appointment with a child therapist for next week and am trying to stay calm, but I’m beside myself with worry. We can’t figure out what’s going on, and she doesn’t want to talk about these incidents.

I’m trying to stay calm and remind myself that we’re doing everything we can, but I’m sitting here crying, dreading the next phone call from the school. Any advice on how to get through this would -be welcome.

Anonymous

Anonymous: I’m sorry — it is scary when a child’s behavior changes abruptly for the worse.

It is also, though, important to remember that with children too young to express themselves fully — or with anyone who has a language barrier for whatever reason — behavior isn’t always a choice to do something bad but sometimes instead a primary form of expression. Therefore, your daughter might not be doing something bad so much as saying something is wrong.

Which can be serious, of course, but often it isn’t. You are doing everything you can, that is your best form or reassurance, but please take some comfort in knowing that abnormalities are normal. Neither childhood nor parenthood is a straight path. So you can help yourself quite a bit by breaking apart any long-term goals — say, to get your child to a preconceived point in life — into a renewable daily goal of giving her what she needs. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Today, she needs you to be a calm presence she can anchor to, and an attentive listener to what she is willing and able to say.

Good child therapists can be very helpful in this regard — they are trained at child-friendly forms of communication — and they can give you valuable perspective, too, on the rough spots of childhood.

But you don’t have to just worry and wait for appointments, now or in future crises; you can work on becoming the person your daughter can talk to, because that’s not a given for any parent. “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, offers simple, clear, intuitive instructions for working with a child’s feelings vs. against them. Or an adult’s, for that matter.

So try that, along with comforting her, of course. Good luck.

huskerbb · Guru

Sorry about that. Couldn't get it to post on the original one.

So, some child misbehaves and the first reaction is to call a therapist????? WTF????

Plus, she kicks some other kids, and SHE is the one who needs "comforting"????

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mom needs to stop sobbing and dreading and taking a 5yr old's behavior like it is some personal tragedy. That's the first step. Be a parent. Grow up and act like an adult.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

If you can't find a good reason, meaning self defense, then bust that butt.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
If you can't find a good reason, meaning self defense, then bust that butt.

I can guarantee that any parent who thinks they need to call a therapist whenever their child misbehaves isn't going to take many, if any, measures to correct said behavior.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

The call you make is to the teacher.

What brought this about? What was going on?

And regardless of the answer, you don't hit, kick or put your hands on another unless it is self defense.

In the immortal words of Barney Fife, "nip it in the bud, nip it".

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
The call you make is to the teacher.

What brought this about? What was going on?

And regardless of the answer, you don't hit, kick or put your hands on another unless it is self defense.

In the immortal words of Barney Fife, "nip it in the bud, nip it".

The reasons don't matter that much. Stopping the behavior is what matters.

I guarantee when my dear old dad got a call from the school--his first reaction wasn't to call a therapist. He gave me his own version of "therapy". Very effective. One session was usually all it took. Cured.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

If my kid kicked 3 kids for no reason and refused to listen to the teacher, I sure as heck wouldn't be the one crying.

Tangerine · Guru

To teach children that hitting is wrong, your answer is to hit them so hard that they won't hit anyone else??

Makes perfect sense.

A dramatic change in a child's behavior never means that something is wrong in that child's world.

I do think the LW needs to calm down a bit.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

A spanking is not hitting in anger.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
A spanking is not hitting in anger.

And a child cannot understand that reasoning.

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
If my kid kicked 3 kids for no reason and refused to listen to the teacher, I sure as heck wouldn't be the one crying.

I wouldn't be crying that's for sure. But I'm not sure my first reaction would be to spank. And yes, I DO believe in spankings. Seems like this girl went from nice to mean overnight. I would be trying to find out what was going on. That would be my first move. If she continued to act out then yes. A spanking might be in order. Different punishments work for different kids. Honestly, some kids aren't phased by spankings. My mom's goal when she spanked you was to break you down. She would spank you till you cried and begged for forgiveness. I was the one child who stood there and refused to break. Now when she grounded me? I hated it.

FNW · Guru

Yes, every child has their Achilles heal. For some, it's just the idea of a spanking. For others, it's not allowing them to watch their favorite TV show or play their favorite video game (or any games) for awhile. Some, it's not letting them buy pizza on Friday at school. Find what works, and use it.

I used to babysit a little boy. His parents were going through a divorce. It was hitting him hard. Cried non-stop. Down the road his mom, remarried. Stepdad convinced mom her son needed therapy. Next thing, he was committed. Came out of that whacked for sure. Tried to kill his father (a cop) and was killed in the process (self-defense). Dad never got over it and years later, killed himself.

A step-cousin of mine had a drug problem. She decided to get therapy. Therapist told her she was abused by her father. Accused my uncle of all kinds of things. Eventually step-cousin realized the therapist put all these thoughts in her head, and none of it happened. Meanwhile, uncle went through hell.

I'm sure therapy is warranted in some situations, but people seem so quick to run to it, rather than taking a step back and thinking things through for themselves. With children, sometimes we need remind ourselves, "this is just a phase."

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I think every situation is different. You have to look at it differently.

I rarely spank SS. But I will, have, and do. It just has to be the final step. I try other things first.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

The kid is five for crying out loud. A solid smack on the bottom is going to get her attention. This momma's special snowflake is in control, because momma made her a VSS. You either handle it now, or you will have a kid who is totally out of control before she hits preteen.

Momma sounds weak, grow a backbone will ya. Discipline your kid.

NAOW · Vette's SS

At the very least I would tell the little girl she could sit in her room until she was ready to talk.

huskerbb · Guru

Tangerine wrote:
To teach children that hitting is wrong, your answer is to hit them so hard that they won't hit anyone else??

Makes perfect sense.

A dramatic change in a child's behavior never means that something is wrong in that child's world.

I do think the LW needs to calm down a bit.

You can't argue with effectiveness.

huskerbb · Guru

However, this really isn't about spanking--or not.

It's about calling a therapist because your child misbehaved. STUPID.

Whether you choose to spank or not--at least do SOMETHING to correct the behavior.

The kid doesn't need a therapist. They need discipline--whatever form that might take.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Actually, there are things that can't be cured by therapy. But you can take a pill for them. There are things like Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. Neither of those things can be "cured". And therapy alone won't help. Medication can often help people live normal lives but a lot of that depends on how severe the disorder is and how compliant they are with their meds. But that's where therapy can help. To teach them just how important it is to follow up with the medication.

weltschmerz · Guru

I think it's good advice. Clearly, there's something going on with this child, Kids aren't able to express themselves effectively.
Spanking? Never. You don't send the message that it's wrong to hit, by hitting. That's just stupid.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

A bright, happy child that previously loved life and school has suddenly taken an abrupt turn into not participating in class and kicking other kids? I would be worried too.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

just Czech wrote:
The kid is five for crying out loud. A solid smack on the bottom is going to get her attention. This momma's special snowflake is in control, because momma made her a VSS. You either handle it now, or you will have a kid who is totally out of control before she hits preteen.

Momma sounds weak, grow a backbone will ya. Discipline your kid.

Yeah, mom having a meltdown. Seriously? confuse

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

There are a lot of ways to make a child know their behavior is unacceptable. And "unacceptable" is one of the first words my children learned. I never said anything about spanking them - but that would be an option if necessary.

huskerbb · Guru

weltschmerz wrote:
I think it's good advice. Clearly, there's something going on with this child, Kids aren't able to express themselves effectively.
Spanking? Never. You don't send the message that it's wrong to hit, by hitting. That's just stupid.

Idiotic. the child is misbehaving. That's it. It needs to be corrected, end of story.

This is how we get so many VSS's.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
A bright, happy child that previously loved life and school has suddenly taken an abrupt turn into not participating in class and kicking other kids? I would be worried too.

This is my first thought. The mom needs to suck it up and get to the root of the problem. If this little girl has been normally sweet and loved school there's something more going here.

weltschmerz · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
weltschmerz wrote:
I think it's good advice. Clearly, there's something going on with this child, Kids aren't able to express themselves effectively.
Spanking? Never. You don't send the message that it's wrong to hit, by hitting. That's just stupid.
Idiotic. the child is misbehaving. That's it. It needs to be corrected, end of story.

This is how we get so many VSS's.

You are wronger than wrong. A child's personality doesn't change out of the blue, and you don't "fix it" by hitting them until they "shape up"

THAT'S what's idiotic.

huskerbb · Guru

weltschmerz wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
weltschmerz wrote:
I think it's good advice. Clearly, there's something going on with this child, Kids aren't able to express themselves effectively.
Spanking? Never. You don't send the message that it's wrong to hit, by hitting. That's just stupid.
Idiotic. the child is misbehaving. That's it. It needs to be corrected, end of story.

This is how we get so many VSS's.
You are wronger than wrong. A child's personality doesn't change out of the blue, and you don't "fix it" by hitting them until they "shape up"
THAT'S what's idiotic.

this isn't about personality change. this is about a child misbehaving.

You must not be a parent.

weltschmerz · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
weltschmerz wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
weltschmerz wrote:
I think it's good advice. Clearly, there's something going on with this child, Kids aren't able to express themselves effectively.
Spanking? Never. You don't send the message that it's wrong to hit, by hitting. That's just stupid.
Idiotic. the child is misbehaving. That's it. It needs to be corrected, end of story.

This is how we get so many VSS's.
You are wronger than wrong. A child's personality doesn't change out of the blue, and you don't "fix it" by hitting them until they "shape up"
THAT'S what's idiotic.
this isn't about personality change. this is about a child misbehaving.
You must not be a parent.

I am.

And you must be a crappy parent, if your first instinct is to hit and punish, instead of trying to get at the root of the problem.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

Two children are at the store. One says "Hey let's steal this candybar!" "No way! that is stealing!" replies the other child. "Why not? I want it and what is the worse that is going to happen to me... a therapist is going to talk about my feelings or mom is gonna put me in timeout." says the little thief, while the other child says "No way man, my dad would KILL ME if I stole something!"

Fear and intimidation works wonders until they get to an age where they can appropriately understand the real world.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

Cheerios4606 wrote:
Two children are at the store. One says "Hey let's steal this candybar!" "No way! that is stealing!" replies the other child. "Why not? I want it and what is the worse that is going to happen to me... a therapist is going to talk about my feelings or mom is gonna put me in timeout." says the little thief, while the other child says "No way man, my dad would KILL ME if I stole something!"

Fear and intimidation works wonders until they get to an age where they can appropriately understand the real world.

Exactly. It is called "consequences".

Fear has it's use at times. The same as a reward has a use. Balance is the key.

huskerbb · Guru

weltschmerz wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
weltschmerz wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
weltschmerz wrote:
I think it's good advice. Clearly, there's something going on with this child, Kids aren't able to express themselves effectively.
Spanking? Never. You don't send the message that it's wrong to hit, by hitting. That's just stupid.
Idiotic. the child is misbehaving. That's it. It needs to be corrected, end of story.

This is how we get so many VSS's.
You are wronger than wrong. A child's personality doesn't change out of the blue, and you don't "fix it" by hitting them until they "shape up"
THAT'S what's idiotic.
this isn't about personality change. this is about a child misbehaving.
You must not be a parent.
I am.
And you must be a crappy parent, if your first instinct is to hit and punish, instead of trying to get at the root of the problem.

no, you must be a crappy parent for never providing any consequences for misbehavior.

calling a therapist is not it.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

just Czech wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
Two children are at the store. One says "Hey let's steal this candybar!" "No way! that is stealing!" replies the other child. "Why not? I want it and what is the worse that is going to happen to me... a therapist is going to talk about my feelings or mom is gonna put me in timeout." says the little thief, while the other child says "No way man, my dad would KILL ME if I stole something!"

Fear and intimidation works wonders until they get to an age where they can appropriately understand the real world.
Exactly. It is called "consequences".
Fear has it's use at times. The same as a reward has a use. Balance is the key.

I agree!

huskerbb · Guru

Kid deliberately spilt their Cheerios on the floor--call a therapist.
Kid throws a tantrum in wal-mart because mom won't buy them a toy--call a therapist.
Kid throws their shoe at their kid brother and hit him in the head--call a therapist.

LOL!!!

Cheerios4606 · Guru

I told my oldest after he had his own kid that 'spankings' really are more a psychological thing than a physical thing. I said pick the things that are uber important and life changing for your kid to learn and THOSE are the things you spank for. Other misdemeanors can be dealt with by offering the timeouts, grounding, and other non issue forms of punishment. But if you do it right, a kid can reach 10 with only 4 or 5 spankings ever, and yet they will have a healthy dislike of displeasing you and will finally get it later in life that it was all about the fear of retribution and not the actual punishment itself.

How many of you dreaded the "Just wait till your father gets home!" cuz you built it up that you were going to get tar and feathered? Imagining the last time he whopped you for stealing. The built up the terror escalated to lofty heights. Except dad was too tired from work to actually do anything other than yell a bit. And you got off with a stern warning. But that terror stays running in your blood for a while doesn't it?

And I am not talking about a beating where marks are left or angry mom is out of control on her toddlers butt. I am talking about a situation where mom is in control during the administration of a spanking, and that it is always followed up with a "moral of the story" and "what can we do to ensure this doesn't happen again" and "I love you enough to not let you get away with behaving bad" time.

All that said, I also must strongly suggest that there are SOME kids that simply do not need spankings. They are easily reasoned with and can be molded into a proper young lady/lad without the time honored swat. I was one of those kids. I think I had maybe 4 spankings my whole life and they were years apart. My sister on the other hand needed a 'reminder' of acceptable behavior on a weekly basis.

But lets face it... none of us received a manual, so we are all just winging it anyway.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
A bright, happy child that previously loved life and school has suddenly taken an abrupt turn into not participating in class and kicking other kids? I would be worried too.
This is my first thought. The mom needs to suck it up and get to the root of the problem. If this little girl has been normally sweet and loved school there's something more going here.

She did have a change. She started kindergarten. For the first time she's dealing with a structured day where she has to listen to directions and has to share the adults attention with a bunch of other kids.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I remember being at church as a kid.

Mom and dad would sing in the choir and I sat with friends.

If we misbehaved, it just took mom or dad pointing a finger at me to know I'd been warned.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
A bright, happy child that previously loved life and school has suddenly taken an abrupt turn into not participating in class and kicking other kids? I would be worried too.
This is my first thought. The mom needs to suck it up and get to the root of the problem. If this little girl has been normally sweet and loved school there's something more going here.
She did have a change. She started kindergarten. For the first time she's dealing with a structured day where she has to listen to directions and has to share the adults attention with a bunch of other kids.

It doesn't say she recently started kindergarten. It says she's recently started acting out in kindergarten.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Cheerios4606 wrote:
I told my oldest after he had his own kid that 'spankings' really are more a psychological thing than a physical thing. I said pick the things that are uber important and life changing for your kid to learn and THOSE are the things you spank for. Other misdemeanors can be dealt with by offering the timeouts, grounding, and other non issue forms of punishment. But if you do it right, a kid can reach 10 with only 4 or 5 spankings ever, and yet they will have a healthy dislike of displeasing you and will finally get it later in life that it was all about the fear of retribution and not the actual punishment itself.

How many of you dreaded the "Just wait till your father gets home!" cuz you built it up that you were going to get tar and feathered? Imagining the last time he whopped you for stealing. The built up the terror escalated to lofty heights. Except dad was too tired from work to actually do anything other than yell a bit. And you got off with a stern warning. But that terror stays running in your blood for a while doesn't it?

And I am not talking about a beating where marks are left or angry mom is out of control on her toddlers butt. I am talking about a situation where mom is in control during the administration of a spanking, and that it is always followed up with a "moral of the story" and "what can we do to ensure this doesn't happen again" and "I love you enough to not let you get away with behaving bad" time.

All that said, I also must strongly suggest that there are SOME kids that simply do not need spankings. They are easily reasoned with and can be molded into a proper young lady/lad without the time honored swat. I was one of those kids. I think I had maybe 4 spankings my whole life and they were years apart. My sister on the other hand needed a 'reminder' of acceptable behavior on a weekly basis.

But lets face it... none of us received a manual, so we are all just winging it anyway.

That is so sad. I can't even imagine...

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I think some are under the impression that you can't discipline your child and find out why at the same time.

You absolutely stop the bad behavior of your child, however that works for you, but your can also ask the teacher what was going on at the time.

huskerbb · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
I told my oldest after he had his own kid that 'spankings' really are more a psychological thing than a physical thing. I said pick the things that are uber important and life changing for your kid to learn and THOSE are the things you spank for. Other misdemeanors can be dealt with by offering the timeouts, grounding, and other non issue forms of punishment. But if you do it right, a kid can reach 10 with only 4 or 5 spankings ever, and yet they will have a healthy dislike of displeasing you and will finally get it later in life that it was all about the fear of retribution and not the actual punishment itself.

How many of you dreaded the "Just wait till your father gets home!" cuz you built it up that you were going to get tar and feathered? Imagining the last time he whopped you for stealing. The built up the terror escalated to lofty heights. Except dad was too tired from work to actually do anything other than yell a bit. And you got off with a stern warning. But that terror stays running in your blood for a while doesn't it?

And I am not talking about a beating where marks are left or angry mom is out of control on her toddlers butt. I am talking about a situation where mom is in control during the administration of a spanking, and that it is always followed up with a "moral of the story" and "what can we do to ensure this doesn't happen again" and "I love you enough to not let you get away with behaving bad" time.

All that said, I also must strongly suggest that there are SOME kids that simply do not need spankings. They are easily reasoned with and can be molded into a proper young lady/lad without the time honored swat. I was one of those kids. I think I had maybe 4 spankings my whole life and they were years apart. My sister on the other hand needed a 'reminder' of acceptable behavior on a weekly basis.

But lets face it... none of us received a manual, so we are all just winging it anyway.
That is so sad. I can't even imagine...
flan

Sad? That is the way it should be.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
I told my oldest after he had his own kid that 'spankings' really are more a psychological thing than a physical thing. I said pick the things that are uber important and life changing for your kid to learn and THOSE are the things you spank for. Other misdemeanors can be dealt with by offering the timeouts, grounding, and other non issue forms of punishment. But if you do it right, a kid can reach 10 with only 4 or 5 spankings ever, and yet they will have a healthy dislike of displeasing you and will finally get it later in life that it was all about the fear of retribution and not the actual punishment itself.

How many of you dreaded the "Just wait till your father gets home!" cuz you built it up that you were going to get tar and feathered? Imagining the last time he whopped you for stealing. The built up the terror escalated to lofty heights. Except dad was too tired from work to actually do anything other than yell a bit. And you got off with a stern warning. But that terror stays running in your blood for a while doesn't it?

And I am not talking about a beating where marks are left or angry mom is out of control on her toddlers butt. I am talking about a situation where mom is in control during the administration of a spanking, and that it is always followed up with a "moral of the story" and "what can we do to ensure this doesn't happen again" and "I love you enough to not let you get away with behaving bad" time.

All that said, I also must strongly suggest that there are SOME kids that simply do not need spankings. They are easily reasoned with and can be molded into a proper young lady/lad without the time honored swat. I was one of those kids. I think I had maybe 4 spankings my whole life and they were years apart. My sister on the other hand needed a 'reminder' of acceptable behavior on a weekly basis.

But lets face it... none of us received a manual, so we are all just winging it anyway.
That is so sad. I can't even imagine...
flan
Sad? That is the way it should be.

Have we ever met before?

flan

huskerbb · Guru

flan327 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
I told my oldest after he had his own kid that 'spankings' really are more a psychological thing than a physical thing. I said pick the things that are uber important and life changing for your kid to learn and THOSE are the things you spank for. Other misdemeanors can be dealt with by offering the timeouts, grounding, and other non issue forms of punishment. But if you do it right, a kid can reach 10 with only 4 or 5 spankings ever, and yet they will have a healthy dislike of displeasing you and will finally get it later in life that it was all about the fear of retribution and not the actual punishment itself.

How many of you dreaded the "Just wait till your father gets home!" cuz you built it up that you were going to get tar and feathered? Imagining the last time he whopped you for stealing. The built up the terror escalated to lofty heights. Except dad was too tired from work to actually do anything other than yell a bit. And you got off with a stern warning. But that terror stays running in your blood for a while doesn't it?

And I am not talking about a beating where marks are left or angry mom is out of control on her toddlers butt. I am talking about a situation where mom is in control during the administration of a spanking, and that it is always followed up with a "moral of the story" and "what can we do to ensure this doesn't happen again" and "I love you enough to not let you get away with behaving bad" time.

All that said, I also must strongly suggest that there are SOME kids that simply do not need spankings. They are easily reasoned with and can be molded into a proper young lady/lad without the time honored swat. I was one of those kids. I think I had maybe 4 spankings my whole life and they were years apart. My sister on the other hand needed a 'reminder' of acceptable behavior on a weekly basis.

But lets face it... none of us received a manual, so we are all just winging it anyway.
That is so sad. I can't even imagine...
flan
Sad? That is the way it should be.
Have we ever met before?
flan

I would rather be respected than loved. Usually, however, the latter follows the former.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

My boys respect AND love me. How is that possible when I didn't spank either of them?

flan

NAOW · Vette's SS

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
A bright, happy child that previously loved life and school has suddenly taken an abrupt turn into not participating in class and kicking other kids? I would be worried too.
This is my first thought. The mom needs to suck it up and get to the root of the problem. If this little girl has been normally sweet and loved school there's something more going here.
She did have a change. She started kindergarten. For the first time she's dealing with a structured day where she has to listen to directions and has to share the adults attention with a bunch of other kids.
It doesn't say she recently started kindergarten. It says she's recently started acting out in kindergarten.

Well its January so at most she is halfway through kindergarten. I think it's good to look for the root of the problem but be aware that the problem could just be that she is 5 and testing limits.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

NAOW wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
A bright, happy child that previously loved life and school has suddenly taken an abrupt turn into not participating in class and kicking other kids? I would be worried too.
This is my first thought. The mom needs to suck it up and get to the root of the problem. If this little girl has been normally sweet and loved school there's something more going here.
She did have a change. She started kindergarten. For the first time she's dealing with a structured day where she has to listen to directions and has to share the adults attention with a bunch of other kids.
It doesn't say she recently started kindergarten. It says she's recently started acting out in kindergarten.
Well its January so at most she is halfway through kindergarten. I think it's good to look for the root of the problem but be aware that the problem could just be that she is 5 and testing limits.

I agree NAOW. She might be testing limits or something might be going on. You need to let her know asap this is not acceptable behavior. No matter what the problem is hitting is not the answer.

Ilumine · Regular

I love the extremes here.

There are a good number of alternatives between using physical assault to teach a child not to physically assault someone else* and helicopter parenting a Special Snowflake.

*I actually do believe there is a time and place for a swat on the buttocks, but not when you are trying to teach the morality of not hitting, that smacks of hypocrisy).

ed11563 · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
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Hi, Carolyn: My bright, giddy, delightful 5-year-old has recently started acting out in kindergarten. As in, kicked three kids yesterday, refused to participate in class the day before, etc. I made an appointment with a child therapist for next week and am trying to stay calm, but I’m beside myself with worry. We can’t figure out what’s going on, and she doesn’t want to talk about these incidents.

I’m trying to stay calm and remind myself that we’re doing everything we can, but I’m sitting here crying, dreading the next phone call from the school. Any advice on how to get through this would -be welcome.

Anonymous

Anonymous: I’m sorry — it is scary when a child’s behavior changes abruptly for the worse.

It is also, though, important to remember that with children too young to express themselves fully — or with anyone who has a language barrier for whatever reason — behavior isn’t always a choice to do something bad but sometimes instead a primary form of expression. Therefore, your daughter might not be doing something bad so much as saying something is wrong.

Which can be serious, of course, but often it isn’t. You are doing everything you can, that is your best form or reassurance, but please take some comfort in knowing that abnormalities are normal. Neither childhood nor parenthood is a straight path. So you can help yourself quite a bit by breaking apart any long-term goals — say, to get your child to a preconceived point in life — into a renewable daily goal of giving her what she needs. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Today, she needs you to be a calm presence she can anchor to, and an attentive listener to what she is willing and able to say.

Good child therapists can be very helpful in this regard — they are trained at child-friendly forms of communication — and they can give you valuable perspective, too, on the rough spots of childhood.

But you don’t have to just worry and wait for appointments, now or in future crises; you can work on becoming the person your daughter can talk to, because that’s not a given for any parent. “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, offers simple, clear, intuitive instructions for working with a child’s feelings vs. against them. Or an adult’s, for that matter.

So try that, along with comforting her, of course. Good luck.

I've been recommending this book for decades

it's about communicating with poor communicators

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

NAOW wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
A bright, happy child that previously loved life and school has suddenly taken an abrupt turn into not participating in class and kicking other kids? I would be worried too.
This is my first thought. The mom needs to suck it up and get to the root of the problem. If this little girl has been normally sweet and loved school there's something more going here.
She did have a change. She started kindergarten. For the first time she's dealing with a structured day where she has to listen to directions and has to share the adults attention with a bunch of other kids.
It doesn't say she recently started kindergarten. It says she's recently started acting out in kindergarten.
Well its January so at most she is halfway through kindergarten. I think it's good to look for the root of the problem but be aware that the problem could just be that she is 5 and testing limits.

If she's in the north, that's only been 4 months, and how long do those letters sit before being published.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

And one of the important things for a kid to learn is that no matter her personal issues, she doesn't get to take it out by kicking other kids. That's just ridiculous.

"Why did you murder that guy?"

"My parents got divorced."

Uh-uh. Whatever "issues" the child is having don't excuse the behavior.

-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 25th of January 2016 08:49:50 PM