TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

RE: My sister is dying and I only want one of the kids.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
If her sister is capable of raising her own children, plus the additional boy, then she's capable of raising this girl.
That was a skate around the question.

You can't just ASSUME the baby will be better off just because they are family. She's NOT WANTED. Doing it out of a sense of duty doesn't mean she will be wanted and loved.

An adoptive family would WANT her.

Just because one person doesn't want her--doesn't mean none of them do. the daughter is assuming the grandparents can't take her--but they likely would if adoption is the other option.

second, lots of people have trepidation when they find out about an unwanted pregnancy--but once the baby is in the family, they would never give it up.

im 99% certain that the LW would regret giving the child up every day for the rest of her life.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

If she doesn't want the baby she is right in getting her adopted to a family who really wants her & she is right that the baby will get adopted quickly. I really don't see her as selfish as she is willing to take in the boy who most likely would end up in foster care. I think she is being realistic & trying to do what is best for everyone. I would see it differently if she only wanted the biological baby & was sending the little boy off to the usually unhappy life of foster care.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

She isn't being realistic at all. She doesn't have to quit her job to care for a baby.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

At the very LEAST she should at least TRY .

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
If her sister is capable of raising her own children, plus the additional boy, then she's capable of raising this girl.
You don't turn away your OWN blood in favor of raising someone else's kid. She should take both if she has to choose, she should be choosing the baby.
Even if it means the baby would be resented and unwanted?
That's the point i am trying to make LL. She needs to STEP UP. Put down your selfishness and realize that God has forged a new plan for you and yes children are a BLESSING and you are now going to be blessed. Yes, it will be hard but it is the RIGHT thing to do. Own it and step up.

My neighbor's daughter had 3 children to 3 different men. She was in and out of jail her whole life. Mostly in. My neighbor was retired and and she wound up taking in these 3 kids and raising them. If not for her, the 3 kids would have gone to 3 different foster parents and who knows what? She stepped up. I respect that immensely.

In a perfect world.

But you can't assume the baby wouldn't be better off somewhere else.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She isn't being realistic at all. She doesn't have to quit her job to care for a baby.

OK, I'm not sure why she thinks she'll have to quit her job, maybe she was a SAHM with hers when they were babies & just didn't think about the option of day care. Bottom line if she doesn't want to raise another infant then adoption is a good idea.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
If her sister is capable of raising her own children, plus the additional boy, then she's capable of raising this girl.
That was a skate around the question.

You can't just ASSUME the baby will be better off just because they are family. She's NOT WANTED. Doing it out of a sense of duty doesn't mean she will be wanted and loved.

An adoptive family would WANT her.
Just because one person doesn't want her--doesn't mean none of them do. the daughter is assuming the grandparents can't take her--but they likely would if adoption is the other option.
second, lots of people have trepidation when they find out about an unwanted pregnancy--but once the baby is in the family, they would never give it up.
im 99% certain that the LW would regret giving the child up every day for the rest of her life.

Why? Because you would?

She knows this baby, she has likely held it. Hopefully, she loves that baby b/c she is her niece. And yet, she still doesn't want her.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She isn't being realistic at all. She doesn't have to quit her job to care for a baby.

You have no idea what her job is or its demands.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
At the very LEAST she should at least TRY .

Why? So the baby can get attached to her and THEN be given away? Or so the kid can grow up in a home where she isn't wanted?

Ohfour · Hooker

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She isn't being realistic at all. She doesn't have to quit her job to care for a baby.
You have no idea what her job is or its demands.

Exactly.

I could have not had the job I have now when my kids were little.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I GET that people think the right thing to do is take the baby. Of course it is. But if she really, really, really doesn't want the baby, then a loving family that does is a better option.

FNW · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
I am 25 and making ends meet with very little left over, but if the world ended and my sister three kids needed a home, I would not even hesitate. Heck, if my bf came to me and said his brother's baby needed us because of some tragedy, I would not hesitate. You do what you have to do, not supporting family is not an option.

I agree. But I know there are those who don't.

A friend of mine grew up in coal mining country in PA. Dirt poor. For whatever reason, aunts/uncles could not raise their kids, so her parents took them. She still has to really think about who is a cousin and who is a sibling. They just took the kids and raised them. We're talking like 10 or more kids in one small house, filled with love, but not much else. But we're talking back in the day before society became selfish.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She isn't being realistic at all. She doesn't have to quit her job to care for a baby.
You have no idea what her job is or its demands.

Um yeah. A lot of us have demanding jobs. But, OK. Just give up then.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She isn't being realistic at all. She doesn't have to quit her job to care for a baby.
You have no idea what her job is or its demands.
Exactly.
I could have not had the job I have now when my kids were little.

Sooo what's your point? That you should have adopted out your kids so you could have started it earlier or what? evileye

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

There are times in life where your character is tested. The measure of who you are. The times when you can do what is Easy or you take the hard road that is right. Because in reality, your values only matter when you actually have to use them. And, some people think that if you are taking the "right" path that life comes easier. On the contrary, sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing. So yeah, she can adopt out her sister's innocent baby to God knows who. She can walk away. She can carry on with her life as she has planned. She can do whatever the heck she wants to do. But, honestly doing what is right and fulfilling your obligation and duties are the things that make most people the happiest in life. This baby could turn out to be her greatest blessing but she may never know.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I don't understand why raising the baby is the "right" thing to do. If that child grows up in a happy loving home why does it matter if it is a blood relative or not? Plus it would make some childless couple that is dying for a baby very happy. That sounds about right to me. The baby would be a gift not a burden.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lexxy wrote:
I don't understand why raising the baby is the "right" thing to do. If that child grows up in a happy loving home why does it matter if it is a blood relative or not? Plus it would make some childless couple that is dying for a baby very happy. That sounds about right to me. The baby would be a gift not a burden.

You don't understand? You don't understand why raising your Sister's baby is the "right" thing to do? Well, i can't help you.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She isn't being realistic at all. She doesn't have to quit her job to care for a baby.
You have no idea what her job is or its demands.
Exactly.
I could have not had the job I have now when my kids were little.
Sooo what's your point? That you should have adopted out your kids so you could have started it earlier or what?

No. I purposely worked a 9-5 job so that I could be pick up my kids at a certain time. Once they were teens, I took positions that definitely be a 9-5 job. Maybe that's where the LW is in her life...

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She isn't being realistic at all. She doesn't have to quit her job to care for a baby.
You have no idea what her job is or its demands.
Exactly.
I could have not had the job I have now when my kids were little.
Sooo what's your point? That you should have adopted out your kids so you could have started it earlier or what?
No. I purposely worked a 9-5 job so that I could be pick up my kids at a certain time. Once they were teens, I took positions that definitely be a 9-5 job. Maybe that's where the LW is in her life...

Uh huh. So what? You do what you need to do like Everyone else on the planet.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
I don't understand why raising the baby is the "right" thing to do. If that child grows up in a happy loving home why does it matter if it is a blood relative or not? Plus it would make some childless couple that is dying for a baby very happy. That sounds about right to me. The baby would be a gift not a burden.
You don't understand? You don't understand why raising your Sister's baby is the "right" thing to do? Well, i can't help you.

I really don't. I see that she has the responsibility to her sister that she make sure the baby is well cared for & loved. I don't see that it necessarily means she should raise it. This is a baby that will adapt to a new home quickly & will have no memory of her bio mother. I would feel differently if it was an older child that would end up in foster care with memories of her previously happy home.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lexxy wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
I don't understand why raising the baby is the "right" thing to do. If that child grows up in a happy loving home why does it matter if it is a blood relative or not? Plus it would make some childless couple that is dying for a baby very happy. That sounds about right to me. The baby would be a gift not a burden.
You don't understand? You don't understand why raising your Sister's baby is the "right" thing to do? Well, i can't help you.
I really don't. I see that she has the responsibility to her sister that she make sure the baby is well cared for & loved. I don't see that it necessarily means she should raise it. This is a baby that will adapt to a new home quickly & will have no memory of her bio mother. I would feel differently if it was an older child that would end up in foster care with memories of her previously happy home.

I agree Lexxy. This would not be an automatic things for me. I would have to seriously consider it...

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I would want my sister to die in peace knowing that i was going to be raising and loving her child.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

The sad thing is that world is so upside down now that we dont' even know what is RIGHT anymore.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

And if her husband doesn't want to raise the kid? Should she get a divorce and disrupt her own children's lives to take the baby?

There are a lot of things to consider - you can't KNOW what the right thing is in every circumstance.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I would want my sister to die in peace knowing that i was going to be raising and loving her child.

Same here.

Look at it from the sister's perspective. She is dying. She has to face the fact that she wont get to watch her child grow up, the fact that her daughter, who is her whole world, will not have any memory of her. Knowing that her baby is going to live with her sister to love and care for and keep her memory alive would be a big comfort.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Well, I personally can't imagine doing anything different. But, I am not everyone.

FNW · Guru

I can't imagine being married to a man who would NOT want to help raise the child of a deceased sibling.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lawyerlady wrote:
And if her husband doesn't want to raise the kid? Should she get a divorce and disrupt her own children's lives to take the baby?

There are a lot of things to consider - you can't KNOW what the right thing is in every circumstance.

Probably. I can't imagine our marriage surviving that kind of disagreement. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I gave up my sister's baby and I would resent him for making me do it, and I would hate myself for allowing him to convince me to.

Luckily, this is something we have talked about quite a bit and my husband absolutely would not turn away a child.

ETA: I realize you are asking if the LW should do this and I answered for myself.

-- Edited by NAOW on Friday 5th of February 2016 03:01:14 PM

huskerbb · Guru

Lexxy wrote:
If she doesn't want the baby she is right in getting her adopted to a family who really wants her & she is right that the baby will get adopted quickly. I really don't see her as selfish as she is willing to take in the boy who most likely would end up in foster care. I think she is being realistic & trying to do what is best for everyone. I would see it differently if she only wanted the biological baby & was sending the little boy off to the usually unhappy life of foster care.

There is NO WAY she gets to make that decision. If she tells her sister that is what she is thinking, then sister will leave it up to her parents--and they will undoubtedly take the baby and do the best they can.

huskerbb · Guru

FNW wrote:
I can't imagine being married to a man who would NOT want to help raise the child of a deceased sibling.

Me, either. But then, I married someone who has some loyalty, honor, and character.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

FNW wrote:
I can't imagine being married to a man who would NOT want to help raise the child of a deceased sibling.

Me, either. But they are out there.

I know a guy that went ahead and got approved as a foster parent. They got a baby and the mother decided to let them adopt the kid. He refused after his wife had this baby for 9 months. She divorced him, but it was too late - she lost the baby.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
If she doesn't want the baby she is right in getting her adopted to a family who really wants her & she is right that the baby will get adopted quickly. I really don't see her as selfish as she is willing to take in the boy who most likely would end up in foster care. I think she is being realistic & trying to do what is best for everyone. I would see it differently if she only wanted the biological baby & was sending the little boy off to the usually unhappy life of foster care.
There is NO WAY she gets to make that decision. If she tells her sister that is what she is thinking, then sister will leave it up to her parents--and they will undoubtedly take the baby and do the best they can.

Maybe not. I wouldn't leave it up to my mother. She would have absolutely no say in the matter...

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
If she doesn't want the baby she is right in getting her adopted to a family who really wants her & she is right that the baby will get adopted quickly. I really don't see her as selfish as she is willing to take in the boy who most likely would end up in foster care. I think she is being realistic & trying to do what is best for everyone. I would see it differently if she only wanted the biological baby & was sending the little boy off to the usually unhappy life of foster care.
There is NO WAY she gets to make that decision. If she tells her sister that is what she is thinking, then sister will leave it up to her parents--and they will undoubtedly take the baby and do the best they can.
Maybe not. I wouldn't leave it up to my mother. She would have absolutely no say in the matter...

If the LW wants to adopt the kid out--there is no way she's making the decision. Dying sister will find someone else. It will likely be her parents.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
If she doesn't want the baby she is right in getting her adopted to a family who really wants her & she is right that the baby will get adopted quickly. I really don't see her as selfish as she is willing to take in the boy who most likely would end up in foster care. I think she is being realistic & trying to do what is best for everyone. I would see it differently if she only wanted the biological baby & was sending the little boy off to the usually unhappy life of foster care.
There is NO WAY she gets to make that decision. If she tells her sister that is what she is thinking, then sister will leave it up to her parents--and they will undoubtedly take the baby and do the best they can.

Well, if that is what she is thinking she absolutely should tell her sister ASAP. And, let her sister at least have the peace of mind to make that decision for her child.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
If she doesn't want the baby she is right in getting her adopted to a family who really wants her & she is right that the baby will get adopted quickly. I really don't see her as selfish as she is willing to take in the boy who most likely would end up in foster care. I think she is being realistic & trying to do what is best for everyone. I would see it differently if she only wanted the biological baby & was sending the little boy off to the usually unhappy life of foster care.
There is NO WAY she gets to make that decision. If she tells her sister that is what she is thinking, then sister will leave it up to her parents--and they will undoubtedly take the baby and do the best they can.
Well, if that is what she is thinking she absolutely should tell her sister ASAP. And, let her sister at least have the peace of mind to make that decision for her child.

Or not. And let the sister die in peace.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
If she doesn't want the baby she is right in getting her adopted to a family who really wants her & she is right that the baby will get adopted quickly. I really don't see her as selfish as she is willing to take in the boy who most likely would end up in foster care. I think she is being realistic & trying to do what is best for everyone. I would see it differently if she only wanted the biological baby & was sending the little boy off to the usually unhappy life of foster care.
There is NO WAY she gets to make that decision. If she tells her sister that is what she is thinking, then sister will leave it up to her parents--and they will undoubtedly take the baby and do the best they can.
Well, if that is what she is thinking she absolutely should tell her sister ASAP. And, let her sister at least have the peace of mind to make that decision for her child.
Or not. And let the sister die in peace.

I would consider that the biggest betrayal of unimaginable proportions. The care of my infant daughter would be my sole concern. And, for someone, especially my own sister, to rob me of that ability to secure her future in my own way is the one of the most despicable things i could ever imagine.

huskerbb · Guru

The LW must truly hate her sister.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

There is nothing worse than people carrying on some charade. Tell me the TRUTH. It might be painful but I won't TRUTH. Please have the respect for me to tell me TRUTH. Trying to carry on some charade would not help me die in peace. I want to know reality. I want to know truth. If i am dying then tell me. To do that to my infant daughter and leave me think that you are going to care for her when you aren't is so reprehensible and disgusting.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
There is nothing worse than people carrying on some charade. Tell me the TRUTH. It might be painful but I won't TRUTH. Please have the respect for me to tell me TRUTH. Trying to carry on some charade would not help me die in peace. I want to know reality. I want to know truth. If i am dying then tell me. To do that to my infant daughter and leave me think that you are going to care for her when you aren't is so reprehensible and disgusting.

Depends on what "caring for" means. Making sure she has a loving home is caring for her.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
The LW must truly hate her sister.

Well, if she makes her sister think she is going to take in her daughter and doesn't then she is one of the biggest *******s on the planet.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
There is nothing worse than people carrying on some charade. Tell me the TRUTH. It might be painful but I won't TRUTH. Please have the respect for me to tell me TRUTH. Trying to carry on some charade would not help me die in peace. I want to know reality. I want to know truth. If i am dying then tell me. To do that to my infant daughter and leave me think that you are going to care for her when you aren't is so reprehensible and disgusting.
Depends on what "caring for" means. Making sure she has a loving home is caring for her.

Tell the TRUTH. Let ME decide for MY own child. That isn't HER decision. If i still have a breath in my body, then that is MY decision to make.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
The LW must truly hate her sister.
Well, if she makes her sister think she is going to take in her daughter and doesn't then she is one of the biggest *******s on the planet.

You are the one who said she should TRY. So what, it's ok to change her mind after the fact when it's too much, but not ok to give her dying sister peace and do what she considers best for the baby?

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
There is nothing worse than people carrying on some charade. Tell me the TRUTH. It might be painful but I won't TRUTH. Please have the respect for me to tell me TRUTH. Trying to carry on some charade would not help me die in peace. I want to know reality. I want to know truth. If i am dying then tell me. To do that to my infant daughter and leave me think that you are going to care for her when you aren't is so reprehensible and disgusting.
Depends on what "caring for" means. Making sure she has a loving home is caring for her.

She can do that--HER home. That is what her sister wants.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
The LW must truly hate her sister.
Well, if she makes her sister think she is going to take in her daughter and doesn't then she is one of the biggest *******s on the planet.
You are the one who said she should TRY. So what, it's ok to change her mind after the fact when it's too much, but not ok to give her dying sister peace and do what she considers best for the baby?

If she is at least going to try with an open mind. But, if she is just going to be a cold hearted beitch then she needs to tell her sister that she isn't taking in her baby and she needs to make other arrangements.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
The LW must truly hate her sister.
Well, if she makes her sister think she is going to take in her daughter and doesn't then she is one of the biggest *******s on the planet.
You are the one who said she should TRY. So what, it's ok to change her mind after the fact when it's too much, but not ok to give her dying sister peace and do what she considers best for the baby?

If you can raise one kid--you can raise two or three or four. It might be inconvenient, it might not be exactly the way you planned things--but it's not like she's incompetent at raising children. If she is--then they should take the ones she has.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yeah, honestly the first kid is the hardest. After that you have all the stuff so then what is the big deal? Yeah, it's more a time crunch for a while but so what?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Sis needs to tell her to just make sure and die at a convenient time so nobody has their kids delayed going home from school.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Or maybe being a mother has been very difficult for her and she's gotten the relief of her children getting older and a baby is too much for her to do again.

I just think, if it was MY baby, that I would rather my child be with someone that really wants and loves it than someone who considers it nothing more than a responsibility and a burden.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Or maybe being a mother has been very difficult for her and she's gotten the relief of her children getting older and a baby is too much for her to do again.

I just think, if it was MY baby, that I would rather my child be with someone that really wants and loves it than someone who considers it nothing more than a responsibility and a burden.

That's fine. But, you should be TOLD that and know what the fate of your child is going to be. What if you had family that you actually didnt' want to have your baby? What if you sister was some neglectful or nasty person and you wanted your baby to go to some adoptive family? And, what if sis then came in after you died and thwarted those plans and decided to "raise" the baby just to get your SS money or something? Is that "dying in peace" to not know the truth?