TOTALLY GEEKED!

Dear Prudence, 
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years and we are in this for the long haul. We are not in a rush, but we are at the age where many of our friends are walking down the aisle, so marriage has been discussed. However, we have one fundamental difference on the subject. I would prefer not to live together before we were engaged, and he thinks we should. My reasoning is that he is not the type to get anything done unless he has a strong incentive. I don’t want to move in with him and find us unmarried 10 years later, which is what I envision happening. Our apartments are a few blocks away, so we practically live together anyway. How do I tell him how I feel without making it sound like I am pressuring him?

—No-Pressure Cooker

I get a fairly large number of questions like this one that boil down to: How can I tell someone what I want without making it sound like I want anything? The answer is that you can’t. You’re expressing a desire, not setting an ultimatum. Tell him what you want (“I don’t want to move in together until after we’re engaged, and I’d like to be married in 10 years”), understanding that he might disagree or have an initial emotional reaction you don’t want him to have. That part isn’t your problem. Your job is to advocate for yourself, just as his job is to advocate for himself. The two of you can only compromise and make plans together if you both have a clear sense of what the other person wants. Trying to downplay your goals in the relationship is a recipe for resentment and frustration.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2016/02/dear_prudence_our_nanny_is_hiv_positive.2.html