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Lawyerlady


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Dear Carolyn, BF's mother is pressuring us about marriage and kids
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Dear Carolyn: I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend for three years. We have a happy and loving relationship.

My boyfriend’s mother is very sweet and I value my relationship with her. However, she is always dropping hints to my boyfriend and me about getting married and having children. While I respect this is the right choice for some, I do not want children and I am not certain marriage is right for me. My boyfriend is aware of my feelings on the subject and is fine with it.

 

He has told his mother gently on more than one occasion that this was not the path we are choosing (I only nod in agreement as I’m not sure it’s my place to tell her). However, she is insistent that I will change my mind.

It’s just not going to happen. I love his mother dearly and I don’t want to shatter any expectations she has for us or cause a rift, but trying to tell her nicely doesn’t seem to be getting through. I also have to admit the constant asking about wedding and babies sometimes makes me feel less-than. As if our life and commitment to each other is not enough.

I don’t know whether to let it go and allow time to prove our sincerity, or if I should really sit down with her and explain, from my own mouth, that this is not going to happen. Please help.

Defending My Choice

Defending My Choice: Explain, from your own mouth.

With your boyfriend’s blessing and support, though, because it’s his mom, his relationship with her is more important than yours is, and he’s in a better position to predict how she will respond to this approach.

Assuming he agrees: Make an outing of it — a nice lunch, one-on-one, your treat. Frame it not as a chance to set her straight or “defend my choice” (which I’ll get to in a second) but instead as a gesture to protect a relationship with her that you love and value. Explain that you feel “less than” when her interest and attention regularly skip over the present day to what’s coming next, and when you’re reminded on a regular basis that you’re a source of disappointment for her.

Even though she is not entitled to grandchildren, the disappointment of not having them is a doozy. It would be a loving gesture if you could acknowledge that and say it does pain you to “shatter any expectations.” There is healing power in choosing not to deny someone’s pain, especially when you’re a source of it.

That is why it is important not to see this as defending your choice. You don’t have to, for starters — it’s your life and you’re not morally obligated to raise children. (I’d argue your lack of interest morally obligates you not to.) And, by extension, defending turns her into the entity you defend yourself against, an antagonist where you want an ally.

Her response might be painful for you, of course, from “You’ll change your mind” to much worse. In that case, agreeing isn’t an option, but listening and understanding still are. “Perhaps,” “I hear how upset you are,” “I’m sorry you feel that way”: You can offer truth, friendship, compassion and sympathy without giving an inch.





-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Wednesday 10th of February 2016 10:47:40 AM

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LawyerLady

 

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Lawyerlady


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OK - if my child told me sincerely they didn't want to have kids, I'd be ok with it. Not everyone has to have kids. But if my child dated someone who did not want kids while my child wasn't actually against kids but was willing to give up on kids to make that person happy, I'd be hoping they would not work out.

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Lexxy


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Ugh, I feel her pain. My ex's mother was constantly pressuring me for grandkids.

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lilyofcourse


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It didn't say, if they are living together or not.

That could change my feelings on it.

If it is just the run of the mill small talk about possible future plans, let it go.

As a mom, as long as my child was happy and they were both treating each other respectfully, I wouldn't push a marriage or kids.

However, if they are living together, that wouldn't sit well with me.

Don't play house. It isn't a game.

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I'm with LL. It depended on how my child felt.

I wonder if the boyfriend hasn't told his mother to lay off? And if not, why not? Really, this should be coming from him, not her.

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Just ignore her. So what /

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huskerbb


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Lawyerlady wrote:

OK - if my child told me sincerely they didn't want to have kids, I'd be ok with it. Not everyone has to have kids. But if my child dated someone who did not want kids while my child wasn't actually against kids but was willing to give up on kids to make that person happy, I'd be hoping they would not work out.

 I would, too.  He's ambivalent now because he's a guy in his 20's and having kids is not an immediate priority for him.  I'd be surprised if it stays that way.  

 



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chef


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My father badgered me for years to get married and have kids. I told him to buzz off more than once.

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I like Carolyn's answer. Many people look forward to the time in their life they will have grand kids. Just look at this board. Their was a time in my life I thought I might not have grand kids and it made me really sad. I was told that it's okay to grieve over that lost part of your life. Now DN and her b/f are making plans but it will still be awhile. She wants to do it the right way. She wants to graduate college, get married, and THEN have kids. So it'll happen eventually. She used to say she didn't want them at all. People can change.

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huskerbb


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I think the advice about what to do with the mother was ok, but I think a little caution about the future might have been wise, also. The LW is so sure in what she wants, and also in what she thinks her boyfriend wants. I won't argue that she doesn't know her own mind, but she would hardly be the first woman who "never" wanted kids to hit her mid 30's and do a 180.

I would argue that with the boyfriend, it could very well be more of a "don't want kids right now" thing, and not a "never".



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Lawyerlady


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chef wrote:

My father badgered me for years to get married and have kids. I told him to buzz off more than once.

 And yet, look at you now.  LOL!



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LawyerLady

 

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I just hope I live long enough to see whether I have grandchildren.

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chef


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Lawyerlady wrote:
chef wrote:

My father badgered me for years to get married and have kids. I told him to buzz off more than once.

 And yet, look at you now.  LOL!

 True!

I miss being single though. Things stayed put up. I didn't have a couple of tornadoes undoing my hard work at getting things put up.



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