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Lawyerlady


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Dear Prudie - boyfriend killed himself after fight
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Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend killed himself last week. We had a fight after he went through my phone, we argued, and he threw a glass against the wall. I left to stay with some friends. He called and texted and emailed me; I told him I wanted to break up because everything was too exhausting to deal with. He threatened to kill himself, and I hung up. I cried myself to sleep that night, and I woke up to find out he took his father’s gun and shot himself. I am so numb right now. My friends have been running interference, grabbing my clothes and laptop from his apartment (his sister tried to destroy them) and screening my calls. My friends tell me it is not my fault and he was sick, but I know his family blames me. (I have seen the texts.) I don’t know what to think. Help?

 

What a nightmare. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and glad you have friends willing and able to look out for you. I spoke with a certified crisis counselor, who stressed the same thing your friends did: Suicidality is influenced by an immense number of factors, and a single fight would not have been the sole cause of your boyfriend’s decision to kill himself. Just as you couldn’t have caused his suicide, neither could you by yourself have stopped it. The choice was his. Between going through your phone, throwing glass at the wall, and threatening suicide in an attempt to control your behavior, your boyfriend was escalating a pattern of abuse that could have easily ended in violence against you. You made a rational, reasonable decision to protect yourself. Had you stayed on the phone, or in that relationship—which his threat was designed to get you to do—there would have been no guarantee your boyfriend would get help for his mental and emotional health issues.

 

If you’re not already seeing a counselor, please make an appointment immediately. You need assistance in refuting the voice that says this was a situation you should have prevented. This was not a friend calling you in a cry for help. This was an unstable man threatening physical violence to get you to stay in an abusive relationship. You were not being callous when you hung up the phone—you were protecting yourself. What he did next was horrible, but it’s not your burden to bear. You can both mourn your boyfriend’s death and also feel relief at having escaped an abusive relationship. Do not read any more texts from his family members or contact them in any way. Their grief will necessarily take a different form than yours. Your primary focus over the coming months should be your own well-being. Take care of yourself.



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Lawyerlady


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This was NOT her fault and his family just needs someone to blame. She's an easy target.

He did it to hurt her - she needs to realize he was being selfish and abusive, and she was right to get out.

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LawyerLady

 

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TrudyML


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Oh, wow. Yikes.

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Lexxy


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He was obviously a troubled man. She is lucky he killed himself & not her. It easily could have gone the other way if he lost control. I feel badly for her & she probably should get some counseling.

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Tinydancer


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They blame her but I hope deep down they realize it was him.

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FNW


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She dodged a bullet with that one.

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huskerbb


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She needs to not have any contact with his family. I would not recommend going to the funeral if it hasn't happened, yet.

Their reaction is somewhat understandable, if completely misguided--but her issue isn't them, it's herself. She can't help or control what they say or do.

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Dona Worry Be Happy


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Oh my God this is literally my worst nightmare. An ex once told me that without me he had no reason to live, and left me a voice mail saying he could do nothing right, but intended to do one thing right and I would never hear from him again, he was done messing up my life or anyone elses.
I tried calling, he didn't answer.
I called the police, and they found him and he was fine, but if he HAD killed himself, everyone, including myself would have blamed me.

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Lawyerlady


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It's difficult to know when someone is being serious or mean. But the right thing is what you did, Dona - call the police and let them deal with it.



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LawyerLady

 

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Dona Worry Be Happy


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Lawyerlady wrote:

It's difficult to know when someone is being serious or mean. But the right thing is what you did, Dona - call the police and let them deal with it.

 They ended up arresting his best friend for being out of state (long story, but he is not allowed out of VT) and almost arresting his brother for drawing a weapon (another long story, but his brother has a whole host of severe mental problems)

To say my ex will never forgive me for that is a massive understatement. I would do it again. I will always make that choice, no matter what.

Don't call me and threaten to kill yourself and expect things to go your way.



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Lawyerlady


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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

It's difficult to know when someone is being serious or mean. But the right thing is what you did, Dona - call the police and let them deal with it.

 They ended up arresting his best friend for being out of state (long story, but he is not allowed out of VT) and almost arresting his brother for drawing a weapon (another long story, but his brother has a whole host of severe mental problems)

To say my ex will never forgive me for that is a massive understatement. I would do it again. I will always make that choice, no matter what.

Don't call me and threaten to kill yourself and expect things to go your way.

 I agree completely.  Calling the police is a win-win.

 

Either, they are serious, and they need intervention, or they are being manipulative asses, and it is the best way to show them that threatening suicide as an emotional weapon will backfire. 



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LawyerLady

 

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weltschmerz


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She dodged a bullet.
Someone like that will make dramatic threats to manipulate his partner throughout the entire relationship.




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lilyofcourse


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If she had not left when she did, she would be dead too.

Yes, survivors guilt is going to be an issue.

But as soon as that turns to reasoning, she'll see it wasn't her fault.



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Tangerine


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That is awful for her and his family.
I will never forget the day that my brother pulled the "do what I want or I will kill myself" act. We called the police and he ended up at the mental hospital for a couple hours.
Most of the time people who say stuff like that are only trying to manipulate others. I really think this guy was already at the point of no return. There's nothing she could have done to stop him.
It is a sad situation.

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Tignanello


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As a therapist I would have a hard time not giving this poor girl a speech about how its not her fault. I'm not supposed to do that - I'm supposed to support her in coming to her own conclusions, but sometimes, DAMN! GIRL - SOOOOOOOO not your fault.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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This is a country music song. They're in a relationship and he rides bulls. She's tired of it. He says he's going to Wyoming to ride a bull and she says go ahead she no longer gives a damn. He "draws a bull no man can ride" and is killed. She lives with the regret.

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Lindley


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

This is a country music song. They're in a relationship and he rides bulls. She's tired of it. He says he's going to Wyoming to ride a bull and she says go ahead she no longer gives a damn. He "draws a bull no man can ride" and is killed. She lives with the regret.

 Did she end up killing  herself by drowning  herself in the ocean? I remember hearing  that song but can't  remember  to much about it.



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Nobody Just Nobody


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Lindley wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

This is a country music song. They're in a relationship and he rides bulls. She's tired of it. He says he's going to Wyoming to ride a bull and she says go ahead she no longer gives a damn. He "draws a bull no man can ride" and is killed. She lives with the regret.

 Did she end up killing  herself by drowning  herself in the ocean? I remember hearing  that song but can't  remember  to much about it.

 Yep.  And now when you walk the ocean you can see the ghost of a woman.

Now back to your scheduled programming...  biggrin



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Nobody Just Nobody


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GARTH BROOKS LYRICS
"The Beaches Of Cheyenne"

They packed up all his buckles
And shipped his saddle to his dad
And by the way the house looked
She must have took it bad
The workers come on Monday
To fix the door and patch the wall
They say she just went crazy
The night she got the call

He was up in Wyoming
And drew a bull no man could ride
He promised her he'd turn out
Well it turned out that he lied
And their dreams that they'd been livin'
In the California sand
Died right there beside him in Cheyenne

They she just went crazy
Screamin' out his name
She ran out into the ocean
And to this day they claim
That if you go down by the water
You'll see her footprints in the sand
'Cause every night she walks the beaches of Cheyenne

They never found her body
Just her diary by her bed
It told about the fight they had
And the words that she had said
When he told her he was ridin'
She said then I don't give a damn
If you never come back from Cheyenne

They she just went crazy
Screamin' out his name
She ran out into the ocean
And to this day they claim
That you can go down by the water
And see her footprints in the sand
'Cause every night she walks the beaches of Cheyenne

Nobody can explain it
Some say she's still alive
They even claim they've seen her
On the shoreline late at night
So if you go down by the water
You'll see her footprints in the sand
'Cause every night she walks the beaches of Cheyenne

Every night she walks the beaches of Cheyenne

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Makes me cry every time I hear it.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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It isn't her fault. He made that decision himself. For some reason, he didn't have the coping skills to deal with life. And, if it wasn't a break up, then it would have been losing a job or any other event in life that happens to all of us that causes stress. She needs to understand that he her actions didn't CAUSE his actions. He made his decision. She needs to just move on with her life.

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lilyofcourse


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It made me think of Ode to Billie Joe.

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Momala


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In my mind, suicide is the ultimate selfish act - you deliberately leave others to clean up after you, and try to sort out whatever mess your life is in.

Late DH's youngest daughter tried to commit suicide by slashing her femoral artery, but her sister found her, and called 9-1-1. Sheriff's deputy believed her, that the blood on her sheets was from her period, and left. During the night, she stole a gun and succeeded. What a God-awful mess to have to sort out. And the County Mental Health Clinic she had been using kept calling to find out why she wasn't attending her appointments. Good grief - you'd think that once I told them she had died, they would have made notes in her file and stopped calling.

This young woman really dodged the bullet here - total manipulation/control is NOT basis for a good relationship.



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Lawyerlady


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Momala wrote:

In my mind, suicide is the ultimate selfish act - you deliberately leave others to clean up after you, and try to sort out whatever mess your life is in.

Late DH's youngest daughter tried to commit suicide by slashing her femoral artery, but her sister found her, and called 9-1-1. Sheriff's deputy believed her, that the blood on her sheets was from her period, and left. During the night, she stole a gun and succeeded. What a God-awful mess to have to sort out. And the County Mental Health Clinic she had been using kept calling to find out why she wasn't attending her appointments. Good grief - you'd think that once I told them she had died, they would have made notes in her file and stopped calling.

This young woman really dodged the bullet here - total manipulation/control is NOT basis for a good relationship.

 sounds like one screwed up county.



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LawyerLady

 

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