DEAR HARRIETTE: I am planning a trip sailing around the Caribbean with five other couples. My children could not go on this trip, so most of the couples understood and are excited that we're having an adults-only trip. The wife of one of my friends has been emailing me to see if her college-aged son can come on the trip. She argues that he's not a child and needs something to do because he'll have a break from school. Honestly, I don't like the kid in the first place, but I especially don't want this delinquent ruining the adults-only theme. I have been repeating that this is an adults-only trip while the mother reiterates that her son is an adult. She's not getting the hint. How do I tell her that her son is not welcome on this trip? -- Grown-Ups Only, Newark, New Jersey
DEAR GROWN-UPS ONLY: Start with compassion. If your children were available to go, you would be speaking very differently about this cruise. The fact that you don't want this woman's son to participate should not negate the sensitivity that the moment calls for. Her son is available to attend; otherwise, he will be alone.
Knowing this, you can still tell her that her son is not welcome, that the invited group represents the adult peers and no children, regardless of their age. You can acknowledge, too, that you understand that she may not be able to attend if she feels her son will want or need to be with her.
How about "no, maybe next trip" and be done with it.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Well, i don't think you can tell her No. If she is paying for her own cruise, she can do whatever the heck she wants. My guess it that the LW is making too much of it. I highly doubt a young adult son wants to sit around with a bunch of older parents. Not sure why the LW has to call him a "delinquent" other than to just kind of be a jerk about it.
This sounds as though it is not your typical cruise. I've sailed around the Caribbean with 7 other adults. You are confined to the boat until you anchor in some port or marina. These are not boats where you can find your own "space". You are in close quarters all the time. I would be mad if a friend wanted to bring their college age kid. Doesn't matter if he is a legal adult, he is still a kid.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
This sounds as though it is not your typical cruise. I've sailed around the Caribbean with 7 other adults. You are confined to the boat until you anchor in some port or marina. These are not boats where you can find your own "space". You are in close quarters all the time. I would be mad if a friend wanted to bring their college age kid. Doesn't matter if he is a legal adult, he is still a kid.
OK. I just thought "cruise". So, that is a different thing.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I don't see the big deal. my BFF has 6 boys. We'd go places, there was always one or two with us. It was no big deal. I don't know why she needs to make it a big deal anyway. He is an adult, he'll go off and find his own things to do. Or better yet, put him to work on the boat.
There are times bringing junior is perfectly fine.
Then there are other times you just don't want the kids, no matter how old they are, around.
And this sounds like a private sail boat. So the fact is, the adult son isn't invited.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
If it's a paid for cruise, then I don't think you can really tell them he can't go. If it's your own yacht (or one of the other couples'--then just say no way, period, and if they don't want to then go, so be it.
If you are all going together and renting a private yacht or something, then majority rules and if they don't like it, then you can decide if you can do without them paying their share if they decide to not go.
However, there is something wrong with a college age kid wanting to take a cruise with his parents and their geezer (from a kid's perspective) friends.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
At 21, if it was a choice between sitting home, in the land locked hometown because all my friends have other plans or going on a cruise with my parents, I'd go on the cruise.
If it is a real, got everything you can imagine, cruise ship, he doesn't have to stay with mom and dad.
But the way I read it, it's a sail boat. Not remotely the same thing at all.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I don't see the big deal. my BFF has 6 boys. We'd go places, there was always one or two with us. It was no big deal. I don't know why she needs to make it a big deal anyway. He is an adult, he'll go off and find his own things to do. Or better yet, put him to work on the boat.
It's a big deal TO HER. You're not the one planning this trip. Just because you don't mind having kids tagging along and think it's no big deal, doesn't mean it's not a big deal to some.
I don't see the big deal. my BFF has 6 boys. We'd go places, there was always one or two with us. It was no big deal. I don't know why she needs to make it a big deal anyway. He is an adult, he'll go off and find his own things to do. Or better yet, put him to work on the boat.
It's a big deal TO HER. You're not the one planning this trip. Just because you don't mind having kids tagging along and think it's no big deal, doesn't mean it's not a big deal to some.
He's going to be the 11th wheel. These people want to spend time with their friends. They want to have a trip where they can put their forty or fifty something bodies into their swimsuits without having a college kid judging them as "hot" moms or "fatties". They want to talk about adult stuff--which could include their kids. It might be very awkward.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
If I'm planning a wild weekend party at the lake house, and I say no kids, it means NO KIDS. I don't care how old they are. Sometimes, adults need to let their hair down.
Someone telling me it's no big deal because they've always had kids tagging along would really piss me off.
I'd tell them not to come.
If I'm planning a wild weekend party at the lake house, and I say no kids, it means NO KIDS. I don't care how old they are. Sometimes, adults need to let their hair down. Someone telling me it's no big deal because they've always had kids tagging along would really piss me off. I'd tell them not to come.
Exactly. Even if they are technically adults, many people don't want to drink, smoke pot, or talk about certain topics in front of their friends' kids.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
