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Post Info TOPIC: Boyfriend with a heart problem
ed11563


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Boyfriend with a heart problem
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Q. Heart problem: About three weeks ago I started dating a nice guy. Recently we were talking and I told him about some childhood issues. He got really excited and confided to me that when he was born he had numerous congenital heart defects. He'd been hoping to find somebody who would understand that he still needed frequent medical care, might need surgeries, and would probably die fairly young.

This threw me. To tell you the truth I wanted to walk out. I'd been telling him about my childhood to tell him how hard it was to grow up with a brother with congenital heart problems. The stress of the situation broke up my parents’ marriage. My sister struggles with depression and other issues. I live in the same city as most of my family and rarely see them, because all of the stress of my brother's care and his eventual death tore us apart.

Now I'm supposed to do it all over. I can't. I feel like a horrible person, but I know how hard this is and I just can't do it again. I've tried to bring it up to my boyfriend, but he is so thrilled to find “someone who understands” that I feel evil even thinking about breaking up with him.

A: You’ve only been dating for three weeks. You can’t choose a boyfriend based on his current health status and likelihood of dying in his sleep at 83—anyone can die at any time, for any reason, and even if you dated the healthiest man in the world, he could get hit by a bus and spend years needing intensive rehabilitative care. You’re not a horrible person, but the longer you live, the more deaths you are going to experience. Your new boyfriend was not asking you to take on his medical care or drive him to surgical appointments; he merely expressed excitement that you might understand his difficult physical situation. If you are this overwhelmed at the prospect of dating someone with a heart defect, you owe it to the both of you to be honest about what you can and cannot do.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you seek therapy to deal with the trauma you still feel years after your brother’s death—if it’s been this long and you still can’t bring yourself to visit your family because of it, I think you’re carrying around a lot of extra emotional weight that you might need help putting down.



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Lawyerlady


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He seems too eager and desperate to find someone that will take care of him. They have only been dating 3 weeks - it's far too early to be feeling this kind of guilt.

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karl271


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"Your new boyfriend was not asking you to take on his medical care or drive him to surgical appointments; he merely expressed excitement that you might understand his difficult physical situation. "

Well, actually yes, he was. Evidently he has a long term relationship in mind (marriage?) and that would imply that she will have to deal with medical care, surgical appointments, etc. And perhaps early death. We all know that everyone dies, but this guy has a chance to die earlier than most.

And after 3 weeks, she gets hit with this information. And she already went through the whole thing with her brother... Walk on by, girl....

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Mellow Momma


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The biggest red flag to me is, he didn't listen to what she was telling him. She was actually saying what a horrible and traumatic experience her brother's illness was. Instead of saying "oh wow. How difficult that must have been for you. I am so sorry you had to go through that" he made it all about HIM and what he needed. He didn't even let her finish the story. Not a good sign. Run away.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Mellow Momma wrote:

The biggest red flag to me is, he didn't listen to what she was telling him. She was actually saying what a horrible and traumatic experience her brother's illness was. Instead of saying "oh wow. How difficult that must have been for you. I am so sorry you had to go through that" he made it all about HIM and what he needed. He didn't even let her finish the story. Not a good sign. Run away.

 You know, this is what I thought.  AND, he should have told her about his defect right then too.  Because if he didn't and he let it go on she'd be angry later on that he didn't tell her.  She would have told him, "How could you not tell me when I shared about my brother?"  I think the right response in this situation would have been to say, "You know, I have a heart condition too so I really do understand the toll it can take on relationships.  I'm sorry your parents marriage fell apart.  Tell me more about blah blah blah."  That way he's told her, it's on the table, but he hasn't made it all about him.  And she can't come back later and say he took advantage of her or didn't let her know.



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huskerbb


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It's been three weeks. Get out.

She'll be seen as a heartless b!tch by him and his friends and family, but that won't change by postponing a break up for months or longer. She surely doesn't want to marry him.

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chef


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If she knows she can't deal with his problem, she will be doing them both a favor to kindly end it. Knowing you can't deal with something doesn't make you a horrible person. Knowing you can't deal with something and stringing the other person along does.

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Lexxy


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Mellow Momma wrote:

The biggest red flag to me is, he didn't listen to what she was telling him. She was actually saying what a horrible and traumatic experience her brother's illness was. Instead of saying "oh wow. How difficult that must have been for you. I am so sorry you had to go through that" he made it all about HIM and what he needed. He didn't even let her finish the story. Not a good sign. Run away.

 I agree.  He totally tuned out what she was really saying.  She needs to break it off before they both get in too deep.



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