TOTALLY GEEKED!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Q. Not on board:
Post Info TOPIC: Q. Not on board:
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Q. Not on board:
Permalink  
 

Q. Not on board: My brother-in-law got married last year. Now he and his husband want a baby and want my wife to be the mother! My wife and I have two kids, which is enough for me, but my wife always wanted more. We both agree that any more would not be doable on a single income, but she is very gung-ho about being a surrogate for her brother. They want a child related to them and offered to pay expenses and basically fund my kids’ college tuition.

 

It seems like a win-win, except I hate the idea. The idea of my wife being pregnant with someone else’s child just bothers me. What should I do?

 

A: This seems very much like a deal-breaker to me. Your wife wants to carry another couple’s child, and you want her not to. You can’t do anything about it, but it’s worrying that she would be willing to do this if it came at the expense of her relationship with you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a surrogate, and there’s also nothing wrong with being uncomfortable at the prospect of your partner being a surrogate. You’re neither of you in the wrong, exactly, but there’s hardly a compromise here. She either will carry their child or she won’t. If she knows how much you oppose the idea and still wants to do it (does she see this as a “bonus” third child? How involved would she be in its life?) I’m not sure your marriage can be salvaged.

The worst thing you could do, I think, is to be snappish and unsupportive during her surrogacy if she goes ahead with it, and make it clear for the rest of your lives how much you resent her having done it. State your objections kindly but firmly and decide what you can and can’t live with. If she’s bound and determined to go ahead with things, can you find a way to make your peace with it? Can you see a therapist together? Or is this a decision you simply can’t bear? Answer that question in your own mind before you make any moves



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

Not only does the wife want to carry another couple's child ...

It would be HER BROTHER'S CHILD.

Does this raise more icky questions?

 



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24026
Date:
Permalink  
 

Nope. No way.

__________________


“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!”
― Maya Angelou
Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24026
Date:
Permalink  
 

ed11563 wrote:

Not only does the wife want to carry another couple's child ...

It would be HER BROTHER'S CHILD.

Does this raise more icky questions?

 

 If she uses the partners sperm and her egg then no.  It's not biologically her brothers child.  But this whole situation is just weird.  If they wanted her to do it with another woman's egg it might be different.  No way could I give my egg to my sibling.



__________________


“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!”
― Maya Angelou
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

I'd give to my sibling before I would a stranger.

But it's something everyone involved would have to be ok with.

The simple fact that her husband isnt, should be the end of it.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24026
Date:
Permalink  
 

I would not give to my sibling because I know how I feel about it myself. I would always look at that child and view it as mine to a certain extent. I would not personally be able to separate myself completely. But that's just me. If I didn't have to see the baby I could do it.

__________________


“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!”
― Maya Angelou
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Well that would be the case with anyone you would give eggs to.

I couldn't do it either.

But I am saying, if I did, it would be family first.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24026
Date:
Permalink  
 

I understand what you are saying. I'm honestly NOT trying to be snarky here. If I severed ties at birth I could probably do it. If I had to see the child on a regular basis I absolutely could not.

__________________


“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!”
― Maya Angelou
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

ed11563 wrote:

Not only does the wife want to carry another couple's child ...

It would be HER BROTHER'S CHILD.

Does this raise more icky questions?

 

 No - it would be the partner's child.  Geesh.



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

I'd give to my sibling before I would a stranger.

But it's something everyone involved would have to be ok with.

The simple fact that her husband isnt, should be the end of it.

Yes.  Her husband is adamantly against it, so that should be the end of it.



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

This is very complicated. What if she has a change of heart and can't give over the baby? Or would it be painful to see your child every day and not raise your child? What if they don't raise the child in the way she would, etc? This is a bad idea all around.
Also, childbirth has risks. Women still die in childbirth or have other complications that could affect her health. She has a responsibility to her own family first.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

I don't really have an issue with her wanting to do it - but if her husband is against it, that should really be the answer. Is giving her brother a child more important than her own marriage?

__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Q. Not on board:


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard