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You can't wait to be a grandparent. You've bought (possibly knitted) the cute baby outfits and you're standing by your phone for news. You couldn't be more excited.

Everyone agrees that becoming a grandparent is one of the few really great things about getting older. You're going to fall head over heels in love with this little bundle of joy.

But what if it doesn't work out like that? What if there's no love at first sight; if the tidal wave of devotion you expected doesn't come crashing over you?

 

 

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It can be hard to love a grandchild when they're not like you imagined they would be - if they're fretful, mean or devious, or don't look like you thought they would (stock image)

Not liking your grandchild can happen for several reasons. The new baby might look all wrong - ugly even, not the sweet little creature you imagined. She may be fretful, and kick up a fuss when you cuddle her.

Or the secret dislike may steal up on you later, when your grandson turns out to be a mean toddler, a devious schoolchild or a rude adolescent.

What on earth is this? You're supposed to be besotted. On top of not liking your grandchild, you also feel horribly guilty.

When I was editor of Gransnet, the social networking site for older people, it was clear that not liking your grandchild wasn't as rare as you might think.

'I don't feel like a granny,' one woman posted about her first grandchild. 'I felt nothing when I met my grandson - except disappointment that he had such huge ears. He went red and screamed every time I went near him. He just didn't take to me. Or I didn't take to him. Either way, we didn't bond in the way you're supposed to.'

And on top of that, there's an unspoken secret about grandparenting - lots of us have favourites.

You might think it makes you a horrid, wicked person to prefer one grandchild to another. But somehow you just can't help it.

Clinical psychologist Dr Rachel Andrew says it's a taboo subject, so we don't like to admit it even to ourselves, but adults react differently towards attractive children.

 

 

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You might think it makes you a horrid, wicked person to prefer one grandchild to another. But somehow you just can't help it (stock photo)

We don't want to acknowledge that we have such irrational prejudices - especially not Granny, who has been expecting to bask in mutual adoration with an angelic new baby.

But sometimes, when you have a fixed idea of how your grandchild will look, yet they come out like Shrek's uglier brother, it's really upsetting.

For some grandparents, the problem is that you love one grandchild so deeply already, it's difficult to care as much about another one. 'I couldn't respond well to my youngest granddaughter,' one grandmother posted on Gransnet, 'especially as I have such a strong bond with her sister, who is five years older.'

You might pour masses of enthusiasm into one grandchild because they remind you of your own children (or because they don't!).

One grandfather, Ian, adores one of his grandsons, Sam, who always liked messing about in 'Grandpa's workshop'. That never interested Sam's younger brother: he much preferred playing on computer screens. The boys are in their teens now, but Ian still has a much stronger bond with Sam.

'It's not something I like to admit,' he says, 'but I think the boys must know Sam is the favourite.'

Grandparents shouldn't necessarily feel guilty about not liking their grandchildren as much as they'd hoped, says Dr Andrew.

'We idealise the grandparent relationship - yet there are all sorts of things that can make it difficult. Being geographically farther away is one thing; feeling disappointed about looks or temperament is another.'

Some grandparents love all their grandchildren, regardless of whether they are blood relations. Others confess to finding it much harder to love their step-grandchildren.

Some don't feel guilty about this, assuming it's obvious they'd prefer the 'real' grandchildren (though whether you should treat them differently is another can of worms).

But what if you do feel guilty about preferring some grandchildren, or not feeling as close as you'd hoped?

According to Dr Andrew, the very fact that you've noticed and you care is a good sign. You're not such a heartless beast - it's brave to admit it to yourself; a lot of people don't.

It's a myth that grandparents always have a perfect relationship with their grandchildren. Such love doesn't always engulf you like a tidal wave.

One good piece of advice is to hang on in there. Bite your tongue about the big ears and admire the lovely long fingers instead.

Grandparents come into their own at different phases: the grandma who is repelled by the prospect of changing nappies may turn out to be brilliant at taking her grandchild on adventures when they're older.

Dr Andrew recommends focusing on your own children: 'Think about what you can do to keep them well and happy enough to bond with their child. How can you support them to create and maintain this new family?'

It's a good idea to remember, too, that liking and loving are not the same thing. You may not like a child, but that doesn't mean you can't help to look after them.

And that, really, is what family love is all about. You look after each other - and one day you may find that love matters more, and goes deeper, than liking.

Teachers also have to contend with liking some children more than others. One former pre-school teacher, now a grandmother, remembers asking during her training what she should do if she really didn't like a child.

'Try harder,' she remembers the instructor saying.

'I thought she was being unhelpful at the time, but now I see it was good advice. It works for when you're a grandparent, too. The child can't take responsibility for improving the relationship. You're the adult, and you have to make the running.'

Grandparents cause trouble when they spoil one child and not another, giving all the treasures from the attic to them or offering to take them to the seaside, while failing to provide similar treats for the other.

So it's all very well to have a secret preference, but the best advice is to keep quiet about it and treat everyone the same as best you can. There are bigger things at stake than your feelings here.

Of course, when grandparents secretly prefer one grandchild, it may not be the one who is clever, talented, good-looking and admired by everyone else. As one grandma says: 'One grandchild is beautiful and happy and good. But it's her sister I'm closest to because she has problems and needs all the love she can get.'

There's definitely no need to feel guilty about that one.