TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Carolyn: Does Grandma Have to Help NonBio Grandkids?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

www.freep.com/life/advice/

Here's the link.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I disagree. First, they aren't married. And, those kids are probably getting things from their Bio dad. Life isn't fair. This is a blended family. Those kids also have bio grandparents as well. It isn't grandma's job to fund the other kids. It should be understood that these are gifts from YOUR grandma. She is not their grandma. And, sometimes other kids get gifts when you don't. That is why it is so stupid when kids have a birthday and then some people buy gifts for all of their kids so they don't feel bad. Well, in life sometimes you feel bad and are disappointed. Boo freaking hoo. Most kids will learn and understand and then it only becomes a big deal if YOU are making it a big deal. Most kids simply accept what is.

Tinydancer · Guru

Her son has a right to decline if he thinks it will hurt the other children. She can decide for her what she wants to do but they get to decide what happens with the kids.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I do agree her son has a right to decline as well. It's his kids.

FNW · Guru

I can understand her reluctance to support these other children, but she should keep in mind family harmony. Her actions, or inaction, affect not just her bio heirs, but everyone in the household. If she doesn't want to treat everyone equally, then she should do nothing at all.

DemoniaD · Senior Member

If the dad agreed only to back out after grandma paid the fees, I think he is a jerk. Of course he has the right to decline, but it shouldn't be after agreeing and money spent.

It also says that this happened because the GF couldn't afford to register her kids, which makes it sound as though they each handle the kids stuff for their own kids. If this is the case, it seems wrong that grandma be expected to chip in towards kids that her son does not.

Tinydancer · Guru

They didn't say she had to pay for both sets of kids only that the dad declined the offer because they couldn't afford soccer for the other two kids. If they're a family they're a family whether the mother wants to acknowledge it or not. As a family they can't do something for one set and not the other. I have a stepson. If you leave him out of family stuff then I would decline as well.

Ohfour · Hooker

She paid their registration fees. Here, registration is about $25 - $50 depending on the area. I wouldn't think twice about spending that little amount on GF's kids. I think it would be kind of her. It seems as if she is the most stable family they have...

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
She paid their registration fees. Here, registration is about $25 - $50 depending on the area. I wouldn't think twice about spending that little amount on GF's kids. I think it would be kind of her. It seems as if she is the most stable family they have...

Exactly. Take this opportunity to show these poor kids how a family should treat each other and what it means to be a family!

ed11563 · Guru

Grandma committed maybe $100 to make her grand children happy.

She might look at paying an additional $100, not to make her non-grandchildren happy,

but as a way to again make her own grands happy, by enabling their sort-of-siblings to go with them to soccer.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

This is the crux of the issue:

"Perhaps when their situation changes (i.e., when she gets divorced and/or they ever get married) I will feel differently."

She has every right to feel that way, but 2 years is not 2 months.

She is risking alienating her son by her actions.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I am so very thankful my pawpaw didn't treat me like an outcast because I "wasn't his".

No, this couple isn't married, and probably because of CS and insurance reasons.

But, the kids have 2 years invested.

Grandma has 4 grandkids now.

Stop being a miser and embrace the kids.

Divine Geek · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
I am so very thankful my pawpaw didn't treat me like an outcast because I "wasn't his".

No, this couple isn't married, and probably because of CS and insurance reasons.

But, the kids have 2 years invested.

Grandma has 4 grandkids now.

Stop being a miser and embrace the kids.

per the letter, they are not married because the girlfriend is still married to someone else

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Ah. I missed that.

I think gma needs to be having a come to Jesus talk with her son and live in.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Let's not assume anything about the kids mom. She says the mom has the kids full time. It sounds to me, I could be wrong, like a dead beat father. It sounds like the bio father, and his family, have nothing to do with her kids. We don't know why she isn't divorced yet. Should she be? Yes. But we don't have all the info. Maybe she doesn't even know where her ex is. Or maybe he's fighting the divorce just to be an arse. I was separated from my ex for over a year before I applied for divorce. I was NOT living with anyone but he WAS. When I applied for a divorce he fought it just to make my life miserable. However, yes, she does need to get her crap together.

FNW: I can understand her reluctance to support these other children, but she should keep in mind family harmony. Her actions, or inaction, affect not just her bio heirs, but everyone in the household. If she doesn't want to treat everyone equally, then she should do nothing at all.

This is a huge huge huge point in blended families. I read this all the time on my stepmother board. Blended families have such a hard time achieving that balance to begin with that things like this make it harder.

Ohfour wrote:

She paid their registration fees. Here, registration is about $25 - $50 depending on the area. I wouldn't think twice about spending that little amount on GF's kids. I think it would be kind of her. It seems as if she is the most stable family they have...

Exactly. Take this opportunity to show these poor kids how a family should treat each other and what it means to be a family! from MM

You know, sometimes a little money is worth a whole lot more than what it seems like. If she doesn't want to do it then don't. No one is asking her to be the other kids grandparent. She doesn't have to go to their games and cheer them on. How can a little kindness be a bad thing? And flan is correct also. If she keeps on like this she may alienate her son.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Life isn't fair. This is YOUR grandma. Wah, wah , wah.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Life is not fair. No one has to do anything they don't want. You can do whatever you want and make whatever decision you want. But, be prepared to live with the consequences of that decision. When your son no longer wants to come see you then will have no one to blame. And yes, you can make whatever decision you want but until those grand kids are 18 the parents get to make the decisions for them. So tough crap grandma. Life ain't fair.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

I can't imagine looking at a child who needs some love and only worrying about if they were related to me by blood or not before I considered how to love them.

Of course I live with 500 kids that are not mine that need all degrees of love and support. But I can tell you - what I get back from them far far outshines what I feel I give to them.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

"Dear Carolyn: Does Grandma Have to Help NonBio Grandkids?"

Answer is no, Grandma does not have to help non bio grandkids. But remember who you are talking about; these are KIDS. Imagine the off chance of being the catalyst to some wonderful relationships because you bit the bullet and accepted them fully into your life. The rewards could be endless.

NAOW · Vette's SS

No grandma doesn't have to do it, but if her son is recognizing GF and her kids as his family and is planning on being a (step) father to them I can understand him wanting all of his kids to be treated the same whether grandma thinks of them as hers or not. Grandma can wait until they are married or not, but basically dad has all the say.

huskerbb · Guru

It's not "splitting hairs". They are NOT married. The "girlfriend" is still married to some other guy. The "son" has ZERO legal or familial obligation to her kids at this point.

Beyond that, it's not the fault of either the LW or her bio grandkids that their own family are a bunch of losers.

If the son really wants to make things "fair", then he needs to pony up for the kids to play soccer if he feels so obligated.

What, is he going to turn down college tuition for his kids someday if grandma won't pony up the same thing for kids she has no relationship to?

Plus, chances are, this relationship won't last, anyway. They certainly aren't starting out in a manner that would leave one to believe they are on solid ground.

huskerbb · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
I can't imagine looking at a child who needs some love and only worrying about if they were related to me by blood or not before I considered how to love them.

Of course I live with 500 kids that are not mine that need all degrees of love and support. But I can tell you - what I get back from them far far outshines what I feel I give to them.

Love and money are NOT the same thing.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
It's not "splitting hairs". They are NOT married. The "girlfriend" is still married to some other guy. The "son" has ZERO legal or familial obligation to her kids at this point.

Beyond that, it's not the fault of either the LW or her bio grandkids that their own family are a bunch of losers.

If the son really wants to make things "fair", then he needs to pony up for the kids to play soccer if he feels so obligated.

What, is he going to turn down college tuition for his kids someday if grandma won't pony up the same thing for kids she has no relationship to?

Plus, chances are, this relationship won't last, anyway. They certainly aren't starting out in a manner that would leave one to believe they are on solid ground.

It's already lasted 2 years.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

flan327 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
It's not "splitting hairs". They are NOT married. The "girlfriend" is still married to some other guy. The "son" has ZERO legal or familial obligation to her kids at this point.

Beyond that, it's not the fault of either the LW or her bio grandkids that their own family are a bunch of losers.

If the son really wants to make things "fair", then he needs to pony up for the kids to play soccer if he feels so obligated.

What, is he going to turn down college tuition for his kids someday if grandma won't pony up the same thing for kids she has no relationship to?

Plus, chances are, this relationship won't last, anyway. They certainly aren't starting out in a manner that would leave one to believe they are on solid ground.
It's already lasted 2 years.
flan

LOL!!!! That is a VERY short time--although, if they were truly serious, it's certainly long enough that she could have gotten a divorce.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I can't imagine looking at a child who needs some love and only worrying about if they were related to me by blood or not before I considered how to love them.

Of course I live with 500 kids that are not mine that need all degrees of love and support. But I can tell you - what I get back from them far far outshines what I feel I give to them.

Love and money are NOT the same thing.

Of course not. But one way we show someone that we love them is by giving them gifts.

huskerbb · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I can't imagine looking at a child who needs some love and only worrying about if they were related to me by blood or not before I considered how to love them.

Of course I live with 500 kids that are not mine that need all degrees of love and support. But I can tell you - what I get back from them far far outshines what I feel I give to them.

Love and money are NOT the same thing.
Of course not. But one way we show someone that we love them is by giving them gifts.

Wow. I don't even know what to say to that. You are equating money to love.

But ok, I'll go with that--money=love.

The other two kids have THEIR OWN GRANDPARENTS. Are those grandparents showering the son's kids with all this "love"? No.

weltschmerz · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
She paid their registration fees. Here, registration is about $25 - $50 depending on the area. I wouldn't think twice about spending that little amount on GF's kids. I think it would be kind of her. It seems as if she is the most stable family they have...

Not everyone comes from your "here". Our registration fees can be upwards of $300.

That's a sizable chunk of change.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I can't imagine looking at a child who needs some love and only worrying about if they were related to me by blood or not before I considered how to love them.

Of course I live with 500 kids that are not mine that need all degrees of love and support. But I can tell you - what I get back from them far far outshines what I feel I give to them.

Love and money are NOT the same thing.
Of course not. But one way we show someone that we love them is by giving them gifts.
Wow. I don't even know what to say to that. You are equating money to love.

But ok, I'll go with that--money=love.

The other two kids have THEIR OWN GRANDPARENTS. Are those grandparents showering the son's kids with all this "love"? No.

They don't even give a rat's azz about their own flesh & blood.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

weltschmerz wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
She paid their registration fees. Here, registration is about $25 - $50 depending on the area. I wouldn't think twice about spending that little amount on GF's kids. I think it would be kind of her. It seems as if she is the most stable family they have...
Not everyone comes from your "here". Our registration fees can be upwards of $300.
That's a sizable chunk of change.

Yeah--we don't know how much it was. We don't know how much money the LW has, either.

Let's say she's not rolling in it--she is forever barred from getting her grandkids a gift if she can't afford to get 4 of them?

Let's say she is rolling in it--is the son going to turn down, say, a car or a college savings account because grandma isn't willing to pony up for 4 of them?

NEITHER of those positions make any damn sense--especially given that the girlfriend's kids have their own grandparents.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Monday 29th of February 2016 07:12:44 PM

huskerbb · Guru

flan327 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I can't imagine looking at a child who needs some love and only worrying about if they were related to me by blood or not before I considered how to love them.

Of course I live with 500 kids that are not mine that need all degrees of love and support. But I can tell you - what I get back from them far far outshines what I feel I give to them.

Love and money are NOT the same thing.
Of course not. But one way we show someone that we love them is by giving them gifts.
Wow. I don't even know what to say to that. You are equating money to love.

But ok, I'll go with that--money=love.

The other two kids have THEIR OWN GRANDPARENTS. Are those grandparents showering the son's kids with all this "love"? No.
They don't even give a rat's azz about their own flesh & blood.
flan

Is that that the LW's fault?

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.

huskerbb · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.

It's not about "acknowledgement". It's about whether or not she has the same gift giving obligations--and she does not.

If love=gifts, then she is not obligated to give gifts if she doesn't love. Again, using YOUR theory.

Ohfour · Hooker

weltschmerz wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
She paid their registration fees. Here, registration is about $25 - $50 depending on the area. I wouldn't think twice about spending that little amount on GF's kids. I think it would be kind of her. It seems as if she is the most stable family they have...
Not everyone comes from your "here". Our registration fees can be upwards of $300.
That's a sizable chunk of change.

And I would still pay for that. Thats not that much money...

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
weltschmerz wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
She paid their registration fees. Here, registration is about $25 - $50 depending on the area. I wouldn't think twice about spending that little amount on GF's kids. I think it would be kind of her. It seems as if she is the most stable family they have...
Not everyone comes from your "here". Our registration fees can be upwards of $300.
That's a sizable chunk of change.
And I would still pay for that. Thats not that much money...

That all depends on how much money one has.

I don't think $300 is all that much, either--but we don't know the circumstances of the LW. $50 or $100 might be a lot of money for her.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.
It's not about "acknowledgement". It's about whether or not she has the same gift giving obligations--and she does not.

If love=gifts, then she is not obligated to give gifts if she doesn't love. Again, using YOUR theory.

I would do it. She DOES NOT have the same obligations, but any normal person would. I think shes a bitch...

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.
It's not about "acknowledgement". It's about whether or not she has the same gift giving obligations--and she does not.

If love=gifts, then she is not obligated to give gifts if she doesn't love. Again, using YOUR theory.
I would do it. She DOES NOT have the same obligations, but any normal person would. I think shes a bitch...

So she can never get just her own grandkids anything? That's patently absurd.

Ohfour · Hooker

She helps "a lot" financially. She has enough. ..

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
She helps "a lot" financially. She has enough. ..

Maybe so--

So if she really wants to help and start a college fund, she has to start one for all 4 of them? Ridiculous.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.
It's not about "acknowledgement". It's about whether or not she has the same gift giving obligations--and she does not.

If love=gifts, then she is not obligated to give gifts if she doesn't love. Again, using YOUR theory.
I would do it. She DOES NOT have the same obligations, but any normal person would. I think shes a bitch...
So she can never get just her own grandkids anything? That's patently absurd.

Of course she can. But this? Needs to be inclusive. If she doesnt want to, then she can alienate her sons family. Pick your battles...

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
She helps "a lot" financially. She has enough. ..
Maybe so--
So if she really wants to help and start a college fund, she has to start one for all 4 of them? Ridiculous.

Not the same thing. This is a one (maybe 2 or three) time payout.

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.
It's not about "acknowledgement". It's about whether or not she has the same gift giving obligations--and she does not.

If love=gifts, then she is not obligated to give gifts if she doesn't love. Again, using YOUR theory.
I would do it. She DOES NOT have the same obligations, but any normal person would. I think shes a bitch...
So she can never get just her own grandkids anything? That's patently absurd.
Of course she can. But this? Needs to be inclusive. If she doesnt want to, then she can alienate her sons family. Pick your battles...

But where do you draw the line? That's the issue with this line of thinking. You have absolutely NO answer for that.

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
She helps "a lot" financially. She has enough. ..
Maybe so--
So if she really wants to help and start a college fund, she has to start one for all 4 of them? Ridiculous.
Not the same thing. This is a one (maybe 2 or three) time payout.

Oh bull. WTF??? They could be in soccer for a decade--and that's just ONE of any number of activities they could do. Plus, Christmas and birthday presents, graduations,--heck there will be HUNDREDS of gift giving opportunities over the next 10 years or so.

huskerbb · Guru

Also, why isn't it the "same thing"? It's not "fair" according to the son.

Again, you have ZERO answer as to where that line is drawn.

What is "fair" would be if all these kids were raised in home with their two bio parents who were committed to each other--but the "fair" ship has left the port.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

They arent married. Marriage means something. They aren't her grandkids.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.

Of she can continue to live a bitter, lonely life.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.
Of she can continue to live a bitter, lonely life.
flan

So--wanting to give your grandchildren gifts means you are bitter and lonely?

Another flat out stupid statement from flan.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.
Of she can continue to live a bitter, lonely life.
flan
So--wanting to give your grandchildren gifts means you are bitter and lonely?
Another flat out stupid statement from flan.

Her own SON rejected this latest gift, husker.

The reality is, if the son and his GF consider themselves a FAMILY and the grandmother doesn't, what do you THINK will happen?

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
I specifically said "ONE of the ways". Not the only way we show love is through money. One of the ways we show love is through gifts. One of the many ways.

It doesn't matter if you like it or not, that's the way it is. When you love someone you do things for them. Those things frequently cost money. Is this really news to you?!

Again, it isn't the only way to show love. But it is one way. The OP doesn't want to aknowelgde some children in her son's home because she doesn't like the circumstances under which they are there. She needs to get over it.
Of she can continue to live a bitter, lonely life.
flan
So--wanting to give your grandchildren gifts means you are bitter and lonely?
Another flat out stupid statement from flan.

Absolutely. You give to some kids, you give to them all. Especially something as trivial as this. Dont want to? Fine...suffer the consequences.

DemoniaD · Senior Member

I think their line is pretty clear. They will accept her financial support of his two kids, but she isn't allowed to do anything nice for them without also doing for the gfs kids. Certainly their perogative if they don't want to accept the gift, but they shouldn't be surprised if grandma decides to stop contributing financial support for the kids too. At least now she knows not to offer, because even if it's accepted orginally, they will likely go back on their word.

I only hope his kids didn't know that he had agreed to them playing only to change his mind because her kids couldn't. I imagine that would cause a lot of resentment between the kids.