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Nobody Just Nobody


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RE: Dear Carolyn: Does Grandma Have to Help NonBio Grandkids?
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Lawyerlady wrote:

 You know what - I'd have a serious problem with my kid living with a married woman, too.  But that is not the kids' fault.

 I'd have a serious problem with one of my children living with a married person too.  But I wouldn't disrespect their live in just because of it.  I wouldn't treat either them or their kids as less than.  I would sit them down and have a long talk with first my son and then his g/f.  I would make it clear as day that I didn't approve of what was going on.  But that doesn't mean I'd be mean to them either.



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Lawyerlady


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

 You know what - I'd have a serious problem with my kid living with a married woman, too.  But that is not the kids' fault.

 I'd have a serious problem with one of my children living with a married person too.  But I wouldn't disrespect their live in just because of it.  I wouldn't treat either them or their kids as less than.  I would sit them down and have a long talk with first my son and then his g/f.  I would make it clear as day that I didn't approve of what was going on.  But that doesn't mean I'd be mean to them either.

 Really?  I think a married woman living with my son doesn't deserve my respect.  She hasn't earned it. I don't have to respect someone because my son is committing adultery with her.  I don't have to respect him if he's doing that either.  It's unfortunate they have put everyone in this situation.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I agree with Grandma. However what is the end goal? To see and help her grandkids. So there is no sense to tick off her son. Put money away in an acct. Then buy them less expensive stuff to include the other ones at least for Christmas. But over time I think it will be less of an issue as the kids get older.

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just Czech


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IMHO, no matter what grandma does, she is going to lose. So are the kids.

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Lawyerlady


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I agree with Grandma. However what is the end goal? To see and help her grandkids. So there is no sense to tick off her son. Put money away in an acct. Then buy them less expensive stuff to include the other ones at least for Christmas. But over time I think it will be less of an issue as the kids get older.

 I agree.  I actually wouldn't want to support this situation so I wouldn't be doing anything to help with it.  I would do "normal" birthday and Christmas gifts for every child and then put the difference I would spend on other stuff away in an account for them. 

Of course - there is another question.  Dad only has his kids on visitation weekend which means they normally live with mom and she has custody.  If Grandma has a good relationship with the mom - she could spend extra time and money on them on mom's watch.



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LawyerLady

 

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

 You know what - I'd have a serious problem with my kid living with a married woman, too.  But that is not the kids' fault.

 I'd have a serious problem with one of my children living with a married person too.  But I wouldn't disrespect their live in just because of it.  I wouldn't treat either them or their kids as less than.  I would sit them down and have a long talk with first my son and then his g/f.  I would make it clear as day that I didn't approve of what was going on.  But that doesn't mean I'd be mean to them either.

 Really?  I think a married woman living with my son doesn't deserve my respect.  She hasn't earned it. I don't have to respect someone because my son is committing adultery with her.  I don't have to respect him if he's doing that either.  It's unfortunate they have put everyone in this situation.

 By disrespect them I meant outward shows of hostility, treating them poorly, and otherwise being snarky to them.  You don't have to approve of what they are doing but you also don't have to treat them as a sub par human being either.



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Lawyerlady


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So, does he tell the mother of his children she can't sign the kids up for stuff if the other kids don't get to do it?

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LawyerLady

 

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Ohfour


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I agree with Grandma. However what is the end goal? To see and help her grandkids. So there is no sense to tick off her son. Put money away in an acct. Then buy them less expensive stuff to include the other ones at least for Christmas. But over time I think it will be less of an issue as the kids get older.

 I agree.  I actually wouldn't want to support this situation so I wouldn't be doing anything to help with it.  I would do "normal" birthday and Christmas gifts for every child and then put the difference I would spend on other stuff away in an account for them. 

Of course - there is another question.  Dad only has his kids on visitation weekend which means they normally live with mom and she has custody.  If Grandma has a good relationship with the mom - she could spend extra time and money on them on mom's watch.

 That's may be what the LW meant, but it's not what she said.  She said he has them every other week. 



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Ohfour


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Lawyerlady wrote:

So, does he tell the mother of his children she can't sign the kids up for stuff if the other kids don't get to do it?

That is a very good point. 



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Lawyerlady


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Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I agree with Grandma. However what is the end goal? To see and help her grandkids. So there is no sense to tick off her son. Put money away in an acct. Then buy them less expensive stuff to include the other ones at least for Christmas. But over time I think it will be less of an issue as the kids get older.

 I agree.  I actually wouldn't want to support this situation so I wouldn't be doing anything to help with it.  I would do "normal" birthday and Christmas gifts for every child and then put the difference I would spend on other stuff away in an account for them. 

Of course - there is another question.  Dad only has his kids on visitation weekend which means they normally live with mom and she has custody.  If Grandma has a good relationship with the mom - she could spend extra time and money on them on mom's watch.

 That's may be what the LW meant, but it's not what she said.  She said he has them every other week. 

 So, then my next question stands.  Does he tell the kids mother she can't sign them up for stuff?  

 

 



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LawyerLady

 

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Lawyerlady


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Those kids don't even live with the others full time. Grandma could just send their gifts to mom's house.

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LawyerLady

 

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huskerbb


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Failing to rain gifts on people is NOT "being mean".

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Lindley


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I agree with Grandma. However what is the end goal? To see and help her grandkids. So there is no sense to tick off her son. Put money away in an acct. Then buy them less expensive stuff to include the other ones at least for Christmas. But over time I think it will be less of an issue as the kids get older.

 I agree.  I actually wouldn't want to support this situation so I wouldn't be doing anything to help with it.  I would do "normal" birthday and Christmas gifts for every child and then put the difference I would spend on other stuff away in an account for them. 

Of course - there is another question.  Dad only has his kids on visitation weekend which means they normally live with mom and she has custody.  If Grandma has a good relationship with the mom - she could spend extra time and money on them on mom's watch.

  His kids his rules.... I would put money away in a account for them (the grandchildren)  and give all the kids Christmas and Birthday gifts.  The situation is not the kids fault nor is it the grandmothers. 



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