TOTALLY GEEKED!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Lame Gift from Absent Father
Post Info TOPIC: Lame Gift from Absent Father
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Lame Gift from Absent Father
Permalink  
 

Dear Amy: I am a 46-year-old, single parent of 17-year-old twins.

My father abandoned me when I was a baby and has made sporadic attempts to be “part of my life” ever since. He gets in touch with me about once every eight to 10 years.

He never paid a dollar in child support and had no influence on my life’s successes or failures.

My twins have seen him twice in their lives, and he acknowledged their existence with the same sporadic attention he acknowledged mine as I was growing up.

I have told him how his abandonment affected me; his response is to blame me. “Well, you could have called me,” he says. Right, because a 2-year-old knows how to use a phone.

At Christmastime the last few years, a card would show up with three checks in it, one for each of us, made out for the amount of our age. This year we got a $46 and two $17 checks. We haven’t seen or talked to him in five years, so I’m insulted that this man thinks we can be bought! My twins feel hurt and abandonment that that’s all grandpa thinks of them. I shred the checks and don’t reply. Petty of me? —Resentful Mama Bear

635914309940212173-ThinkstockPhotos-476009196.jpg

DETROIT FREE PRESS

Adopted teen heartbroken by search for birth mother

Dear Resentful: The reason your twins feel hurt and abandoned by the grandfather they don’t even know is because you feel abandoned, rejected and resentful. One thing for you to reflect on is how your attitude affects your children.

Yes, your father’s attempts to be in touch with you are pretty ridiculous. The checks are not an attempt to “buy you off,” but are his lame way of trying to be in touch and give you a gift. Because he doesn’t actually know you, he cannot give you any sort of gift other than this one.

I understand your instinct to shred these checks. However, you might start to feel less angry if you softened your own response to your father. How different would things be if you said to the twins, “Well, here’s our annual little offering from my absent father. Let’s cash these in and go to the movies”?

Given how awful and neglectful a parent your father is, it might even be something of a blessing that he wasn’t actually around to make your life miserable — up close. But mainly, accept this as being the unfortunate and complicated reality of your life. If you let your bitterness rule the day, nobody wins.



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Why exert so much energy over this? He isn't there, has never been there and will never be there. Toss the checks in the trash and forget about him.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
TrudyML


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10458
Date:
Permalink  
 

Eh, cash the checks and go out to eat.

__________________
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

That too. But it might make her feel better to rip them up. Her choice. But, don't waste any energy over it either way.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

Status: Offline
Posts: 28124
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

That too. But it might make her feel better to rip them up. Her choice. But, don't waste any energy over it either way.

 Easy to say, but sometimes hard to do.

flan



__________________

You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

My FIL and SIL does the same thing...sends money in the amount of their age. It's cheap. But rather than make the kids feel bad, I say great, let's put that in your banks and you can save up for something! Sometimes they ask if they can add it to the gift card they got from my parents and go to Toys R Us. Then I write out thank you cards and they sign them.

__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
TrudyML


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10458
Date:
Permalink  
 

I can't stand that. Really? $7 because you turned 7? Who came up with that idea.

__________________
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

Who knows. SIL has been doing it for a couple years now. FIL jumped on that bandwagon last year as well. MIL did it before she died. They have two...TWO grandchildren. It's not like they have hoards and can't afford it.

__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
Lexxy


My dog name is Sasha, too!

Status: Offline
Posts: 6679
Date:
Permalink  
 

Yeah her attitude is poisoning her children. Let them keep the money. It's not much but it adds up.

__________________
Lindley


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

I hardly knew my grandfather. He would send me a 5 dollar check for my birthday and I was pretty thrilled to get it. I know now my mom had issues like abandonment by him but at least while I was little didn't make a big deal about it.

__________________
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

LW should have never let her father into her kids lives.

She has no real relationship with him, and cutting him out is going to be the best thing for all of them.

I'd mark anything mailed "return to sender".



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

That too. But it might make her feel better to rip them up. Her choice. But, don't waste any energy over it either way.

 Easy to say, but sometimes hard to do.

flan

   Why do you always protest that something is "hard"?  So what?  Some things in life are hard.  He doesn't care.  He never did.  You never had him and you never will.  So, wasting so much energy on someone who can't make an effort for you is a big waste of daylight.



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24026
Date:
Permalink  
 

Last time I checked my parents had 23 grand kids. When they first started out they bought presents for all the kids. Even the ones they weren't close to. But as the brood grew over time this became almost impossible. Then they started sending out $20 gift cards. Eventually they whittled that down. When I close to my parents they would send each of us kids a list of five stores that my parents had picked out. It would be things like: Toys R Us, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and Old Navy. You picked what store your child would want and they bought ten dollar gift cards for each of them at the designated store. Since I cut contact with my family they send sporadic gifts. They will send one child something at Christmas and not the others. Usually we use the gift card for something for all the kids. I will say, "Hey, let's go get a new board game for the family to play." Or I ask them to put it toward a new game for console they've all been wanting. It works out fine for us.

And before I get any lectures about life being fair my kids hate this. The ones that get a gift feel just as bad for their siblings as the ones who didn't get it.

__________________


“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!”
― Maya Angelou
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

Life isn't fair, but parents and grandparents should no intentionally be unfair. My grandparents always had their "favorites". I was the favorite granddaughter. I used to cringe and feel bad for my cousins. It is amazing that we are all on such good terms to this day.

__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
TrudyML


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10458
Date:
Permalink  
 

Your cousins know it wasn't your fault.

__________________
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

TrudyML wrote:

I can't stand that. Really? $7 because you turned 7? Who came up with that idea.

 My grandfather used to give us kids fifty cent pieces--one for each "year".  We'd sit on his lap and look through his shirt pockets and he'd pretend to pull them out of our ears and stuff.  Great memories.  



__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
FNW


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 18703
Date:
Permalink  
 

My MIL used to give the boys fifty cent pieces, too. Supposedly they were the same coins given to DH by her father. Which is even cheaper. She's giving the boys things that belong to DH, as gifts. Just like she gave us a silver platter that belonged to her ex-husband (FIL) as a wedding present.

__________________

#it's5o'clocksomewhere
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Had an aunt give us a fifty cent piece every Christmas till the day she could no longer remember who any of us were.

It was a lousy fifty cents.

I thought how cheap it was.

Until the Christmas we didn't get that fifty cent piece.

Gotta tell ya, I miss that.

And while I was a spoiled grandchild, I don't remember getting anything from any of my grandparents but one.

And that was when I was little.



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

It used to be the thought that counted--now, apparently, it's the dollar amount.

__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

True.

How about this, my step grandfather rearranged his work schedule, he did auctions across the US, to come to my wedding.

My bio grandfather had my grandmother tell me he wouldnt be there cause he was going to play bingo.

It didn't mean either one loved me more or less.



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

True.

How about this, my step grandfather rearranged his work schedule, he did auctions across the US, to come to my wedding.

My bio grandfather had my grandmother tell me he wouldnt be there cause he was going to play bingo.

It didn't mean either one loved me more or less.

 He chose bingo over your wedding?  

 

Yeah, that one probably means he didn't love you as much as the other one. 



__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

Had an aunt give us a fifty cent piece every Christmas till the day she could no longer remember who any of us were.

It was a lousy fifty cents.

I thought how cheap it was.

Until the Christmas we didn't get that fifty cent piece.

Gotta tell ya, I miss that.

And while I was a spoiled grandchild, I don't remember getting anything from any of my grandparents but one.

And that was when I was little.

If You'd kept them, and they were silver, 

they'd be very valuable today.

 



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Status: Offline
Posts: 7536
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

True.

How about this, my step grandfather rearranged his work schedule, he did auctions across the US, to come to my wedding.

My bio grandfather had my grandmother tell me he wouldnt be there cause he was going to play bingo.

It didn't mean either one loved me more or less.

 Actually I think it DOES mean one loved you less. I can't imagine a bingo game keeping me from my grandchild's wedding!! Wow. Yeah, I don't think he was very invested in the relationship. Hate to break it to you. 



__________________

Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

See, ya'll don't know what you are talking about. Does it matter that my bio grandfather developed a gambling problem? 

I didn't feel less loved.

I was doted on by all my grandparents.

My bio grandfather took me took me fishing and wadding. He was at my ball games and brought me treats and gave me my pet goat and helped me get an A on a history project.

I don't doubt that he loved me.

My point is, you don't always know the whole story. These letters are one side. With the information from one source.

There is more important things than material to give someone.

And you can't judge how much a person loves you buy the gift they give.



-- Edited by lilyofcourse on Tuesday 1st of March 2016 10:22:22 PM

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Status: Offline
Posts: 7536
Date:
Permalink  
 

So he could bother to do all those things with you but couldn't bother to come to your wedding?!?! Something doesn't add up. I would have been totally crushed. But if you didn't care...to each her own. I would have been devastated if a beloved relative of any relation chose bingo over my wedding. Go to bingo next week.

__________________

Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Mellow Momma wrote:

So he could bother to do all those things with you but couldn't bother to come to your wedding?!?! Something doesn't add up. I would have been totally crushed. But if you didn't care...to each her own. I would have been devastated if a beloved relative of any relation chose bingo over my wedding. Go to bingo next week.

 Yeah, he developed a serious problem.

But he was a great grandfather to me growing up.

If it matters, he had a major stroke at bingo one night 3 years later.

He died unable to speak and bed ridden. 

He paid a hefty price.

I may have had my feelings hurt at the time, but I was an adult, and I got over it.

 



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

See, ya'll don't know what you are talking about. Does it matter that my bio grandfather developed a gambling problem? 

I didn't feel less loved.

I was doted on by all my grandparents.

My bio grandfather took me took me fishing and wadding. He was at my ball games and brought me treats and gave me my pet goat and helped me get an A on a history project.

I don't doubt that he loved me.

My point is, you don't always know the whole story. These letters are one side. With the information from one source.

There is more important things than material to give someone.

And you can't judge how much a person loves you buy the gift they give.



-- Edited by lilyofcourse on Tuesday 1st of March 2016 10:22:22 PM

 The fact that he chose gambling over you speaks to the contrary.



__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

Status: Offline
Posts: 28124
Date:
Permalink  
 

Mellow Momma wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

True.

How about this, my step grandfather rearranged his work schedule, he did auctions across the US, to come to my wedding.

My bio grandfather had my grandmother tell me he wouldnt be there cause he was going to play bingo.

It didn't mean either one loved me more or less.

 Actually I think it DOES mean one loved you less. I can't imagine a bingo game keeping me from my grandchild's wedding!! Wow. Yeah, I don't think he was very invested in the relationship. Hate to break it to you. 

 So he had a gambling problem. He couldn't have spared 30 minutes?

flan



__________________

You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Oh and when he won, he always divided it up between the kids and grandkids.

I got $100-$1000 each time he won.

Oh and he left me property.


According to a lot said on other threads, that means more anyway.




__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

I guess. If money is more important to you than his presence.

Not sure why it would ever have to be a choice, though. He could have come to the wedding and still given you money and property.

__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Back to the OP. She should cash the checks and have the kids decide how to use the money for charity.

__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Lame Gift from Absent Father


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard