TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lindley wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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They are a bunch of arses. But I'm not sure what else "she" can do. Her husband need to step up and deal with them. And I'm not sure sending the cards back is good for her younger daughter either. Punish her for the bad behavior of someone else?

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  I agree,, why punish the younger child?  What I would  do is send a nice thank you note with a note the money  will be used for something  both girls  will enjoy.

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 That's a good idea : )

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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They are married, so now that child is your grandchild so treat her as such.

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 Unless the child is adopted by the other parent, that is not true.  They would still have their own grandparents from the ex.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I agree but marriage means something. She needs to treat her son's family as her own family.

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 BS.  No way would I put some random kid in my will, or start them a college fund, or buy theM a car for graduation.  Their own grandparents can do that.

huskerbb wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I agree but marriage means something. She needs to treat her son's family as her own family.

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 BS.  No way would I put some random kid in my will, or start them a college fund, or buy theM a car for graduation.  Their own grandparents can do that.

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 I agree that they don't have to do any of that.  But they should buy her birthday and Christmas gifts. 

huskerbb wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I agree but marriage means something. She needs to treat her son's family as her own family.

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 BS.  No way would I put some random kid in my will, or start them a college fund, or buy theM a car for graduation.  Their own grandparents can do that.

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 Except when they dont have their own Grandparents...all but one of my grandparents were gone before i was 8. Gs kids knew only one of theirs. Not everyone has grandparents.

NAOW wrote:

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My step mom's family didn't put me in their will or anything huge like that, but they always icluded me on birthdays and holidays. So you can argue that no one 'has' to, but that small gesture sure means a lot to a kid.. it matters a lot if you don't too.

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 Yes, and my step-grandparents always had gifts for me as well.  They often treated me better than my own grandparents did.

huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I agree but marriage means something. She needs to treat her son's family as her own family.

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 BS.  No way would I put some random kid in my will, or start them a college fund, or buy theM a car for graduation.  Their own grandparents can do that.

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 I agree that they don't have to do any of that.  But they should buy her birthday and Christmas gifts. 

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 I don't disagree--but then you aren't treating them like your own family, either.  Plus, that's the question I've been asking all week and no one has answered it, yet.  Where is that line drawn?

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 When it comes to inheritances and such, the law actually draws the line for you.  If they died without a will, that child would not get anything, so why do they have to change that if they do write one?

You leave everything to your children, per stirpes.  That goes down the bloodline, and step don't count. 

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 I was talking about when yiu do have a will--which everyone should.  That still doesn't answer the question.

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In actual practice, it is very rare that grandchildren are personally named in a will, and if they are, it's because their parents are dead or worthless with money, and the grandparents set up a trust for their education. 

Most of the time, it is left to the children, per stirpes, and no grandchildren are NAMED.  That let's the law handle that issue.

huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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My step mom's family didn't put me in their will or anything huge like that, but they always icluded me on birthdays and holidays. So you can argue that no one 'has' to, but that small gesture sure means a lot to a kid.. it matters a lot if you don't too.

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 Yes, and my step-grandparents always had gifts for me as well.  They often treated me better than my own grandparents did.

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 Where is the line drawn?  What is a "small"gesture?  What is significant enough to just say grandkids only?

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 I think it is going to vary by family and circumstance.

For me, my moms side of the family is an active part of our life, so like you say- I had my own grandparents to do that stuff, but I have a friend whose son's bio dad hasn't even met him, the bio dad lives in another country and they are not able to get his rights terminated so that her husband can adopt the son. Her husband's parents and family treat him the same as their daughter that they have together, and will for the rest of his life- including the big stuff. 

But, really it is up to the parents. If they consider those 'random' kids their own and you (grandparent) refuse to acknowledge that since they are not bio, you are just going to hurt yourself. 

huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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My step mom's family didn't put me in their will or anything huge like that, but they always icluded me on birthdays and holidays. So you can argue that no one 'has' to, but that small gesture sure means a lot to a kid.. it matters a lot if you don't too.

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 Yes, and my step-grandparents always had gifts for me as well.  They often treated me better than my own grandparents did.

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 Where is the line drawn?  What is a "small"gesture?  What is significant enough to just say grandkids only?

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I don't know where they "drew the line".  Whenever I was there, they had gifts for me in the same number as my little brother and sister.  When I was in college, which was only a few miles from their house, they usually took me to dinner once a week and when the weather was nice, let me and my roommates come and use the pool.  They were grandparents.  They may have done more for my siblings when I wasn't there, but I neither noticed or cared.  And they are not dead, yet, but I don't expect to be in the will.  Nor do I expect that my siblings will be b/c my step-mother is still alive.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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My step mom's family didn't put me in their will or anything huge like that, but they always icluded me on birthdays and holidays. So you can argue that no one 'has' to, but that small gesture sure means a lot to a kid.. it matters a lot if you don't too.

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 Yes, and my step-grandparents always had gifts for me as well.  They often treated me better than my own grandparents did.

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 Where is the line drawn?  What is a "small"gesture?  What is significant enough to just say grandkids only?

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I don't know where they "drew the line".  Whenever I was there, they had gifts for me in the same number as my little brother and sister.  When I was in college, which was only a few miles from their house, they usually took me to dinner once a week and when the weather was nice, let me and my roommates come and use the pool.  They were grandparents.  They may have done more for my siblings when I wasn't there, but I neither noticed or cared.  And they are not dead, yet, but I don't expect to be in the will.  Nor do I expect that my siblings will be b/c my step-mother is still alive.

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 But that's the problem.  No one knows where to draw the line, they've even said it varies by family--but then when the family wants to draw it, someone is all butthurt.

huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Life isn't always fair. Grandparents can do with their money what they want. But being mean to a kid by skipping their birthday when they are married into your family is just that......mean.

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 Life isn't fair.  Their parents could have made better choices.

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 They can always start making better choices.. by not associating with the people who are mean to their kids. 

huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Life isn't always fair. Grandparents can do with their money what they want. But being mean to a kid by skipping their birthday when they are married into your family is just that......mean.

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 Life isn't fair.  Their parents could have made better choices.

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 They can always start making better choices.. by not associating with the people who are mean to their kids. 

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 Failing to give gifts to some random kids isn't "mean".  No one is somehow entitled to a gift.

 

Holy entitlement batman.

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 FFS. They are not random to their parents. And yes, it is mean to consider a kid your child is a step parent to as 'random' and not worthy of a birthday gift.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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We give gifts to my SS's sister, no relation to us, every birthday and Christmas. We are not obligated to in any way. We even buy DH's ex wife a Christmas gift. We bought her a Keurig one year. When she was short on cash we bought SS's sister a new car seat (she was a baby) because she needed one and we wanted her to be safe. One year, don't know why that year was so important, he was really upset that he didn't have his very own gift to give his sister for her birthday. I personally took him to pick out a gift for her with my own money. Not my husband's money. Mine. It was important to him so I did it.

We are not required to do crap for them. We do it because, in the bigger picture, it sets an example for my SS. It shows him that even though his sister is not ours that we still value her and value her relationship with him. We treat his mother well because it demonstrates to him that you can show kindness to someone you are not obligated to show kindness to. These may only be "gifts", and they may be crap to others, and some people may not even care, but I promise you this... Our children are watching our behavior. They see what we say and do. They see how we act and respond.

Do whatever you want people. It's your decision to make. No one can tell you what to do. Give a gift, don't give a gift. But always remember you don't live in a vacuum. Life has a way of coming back to you.

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huskerbb wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Life isn't always fair. Grandparents can do with their money what they want. But being mean to a kid by skipping their birthday when they are married into your family is just that......mean.

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 Life isn't fair.  Their parents could have made better choices.

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 They can always start making better choices.. by not associating with the people who are mean to their kids. 

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 Failing to give gifts to some random kids isn't "mean".  No one is somehow entitled to a gift.

 

Holy entitlement batman.

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 I don't believe you are really that cold hearted.  If one of your sons married a woman with a child would you seriously not give the child Christmas & birthday gifts just because it wasn't a bio child of your son?

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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We give gifts to my SS's sister, no relation to us, every birthday and Christmas. We are not obligated to in any way. We even buy DH's ex wife a Christmas gift. We bought her a Keurig one year. When she was short on cash we bought SS's sister a new car seat (she was a baby) because she needed one and we wanted her to be safe. One year, don't know why that year was so important, he was really upset that he didn't have his very own gift to give his sister for her birthday. I personally took him to pick out a gift for her with my own money. Not my husband's money. Mine. It was important to him so I did it.

We are not required to do crap for them. We do it because, in the bigger picture, it sets an example for my SS. It shows him that even though his sister is not ours that we still value her and value her relationship with him. We treat his mother well because it demonstrates to him that you can show kindness to someone you are not obligated to show kindness to. These may only be "gifts", and they may be crap to others, and some people may not even care, but I promise you this... Our children are watching our behavior. They see what we say and do. They see how we act and respond.

Do whatever you want people. It's your decision to make. No one can tell you what to do. Give a gift, don't give a gift. But always remember you don't live in a vacuum. Life has a way of coming back to you.

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 👍

NAOW wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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We give gifts to my SS's sister, no relation to us, every birthday and Christmas. We are not obligated to in any way. We even buy DH's ex wife a Christmas gift. We bought her a Keurig one year. When she was short on cash we bought SS's sister a new car seat (she was a baby) because she needed one and we wanted her to be safe. One year, don't know why that year was so important, he was really upset that he didn't have his very own gift to give his sister for her birthday. I personally took him to pick out a gift for her with my own money. Not my husband's money. Mine. It was important to him so I did it.

We are not required to do crap for them. We do it because, in the bigger picture, it sets an example for my SS. It shows him that even though his sister is not ours that we still value her and value her relationship with him. We treat his mother well because it demonstrates to him that you can show kindness to someone you are not obligated to show kindness to. These may only be "gifts", and they may be crap to others, and some people may not even care, but I promise you this... Our children are watching our behavior. They see what we say and do. They see how we act and respond.

Do whatever you want people. It's your decision to make. No one can tell you what to do. Give a gift, don't give a gift. But always remember you don't live in a vacuum. Life has a way of coming back to you.

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 I second it

huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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My step mom's family didn't put me in their will or anything huge like that, but they always icluded me on birthdays and holidays. So you can argue that no one 'has' to, but that small gesture sure means a lot to a kid.. it matters a lot if you don't too.

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 Yes, and my step-grandparents always had gifts for me as well.  They often treated me better than my own grandparents did.

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 Where is the line drawn?  What is a "small"gesture?  What is significant enough to just say grandkids only?

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I don't know where they "drew the line".  Whenever I was there, they had gifts for me in the same number as my little brother and sister.  When I was in college, which was only a few miles from their house, they usually took me to dinner once a week and when the weather was nice, let me and my roommates come and use the pool.  They were grandparents.  They may have done more for my siblings when I wasn't there, but I neither noticed or cared.  And they are not dead, yet, but I don't expect to be in the will.  Nor do I expect that my siblings will be b/c my step-mother is still alive.

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 But that's the problem.  No one knows where to draw the line, they've even said it varies by family--but then when the family wants to draw it, someone is all butthurt.

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 Well, in THIS OP, it isn't about wills or college funds - it's about birthday gifts.  It should be a no-brainer.  You don't buy one kid in a household a gift and not the other.  That's ridiculous.

huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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My step mom's family didn't put me in their will or anything huge like that, but they always icluded me on birthdays and holidays. So you can argue that no one 'has' to, but that small gesture sure means a lot to a kid.. it matters a lot if you don't too.

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 Yes, and my step-grandparents always had gifts for me as well.  They often treated me better than my own grandparents did.

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 Where is the line drawn?  What is a "small"gesture?  What is significant enough to just say grandkids only?

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I don't know where they "drew the line".  Whenever I was there, they had gifts for me in the same number as my little brother and sister.  When I was in college, which was only a few miles from their house, they usually took me to dinner once a week and when the weather was nice, let me and my roommates come and use the pool.  They were grandparents.  They may have done more for my siblings when I wasn't there, but I neither noticed or cared.  And they are not dead, yet, but I don't expect to be in the will.  Nor do I expect that my siblings will be b/c my step-mother is still alive.

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 But that's the problem.  No one knows where to draw the line, they've even said it varies by family--but then when the family wants to draw it, someone is all butthurt.

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 Well, in THIS OP, it isn't about wills or college funds - it's about birthday gifts.  It should be a no-brainer.  You don't buy one kid in a household a gift and not the other.  That's ridiculous.

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 Again, don't disagree--still doesn't answer the question.  

 

I just just think expecting everyone to change their outlook and way of doing things because of a decision you make is silly.

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 It's about birthday and Christmas gifts - the line beyond that doesn't matter.