Husband’s cancer leads friends to suggest miracle cures

March 11, 2016 By Amy Dickinson   askamy@tribune.com

DEAR AMY: My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer last fall. He has been on chemotherapy, but two regimens have ceased to contain it and the overall prognosis is not good. At the most, it is unlikely he will survive more than a year from diagnosis. People we hardly know come up to us and tell us how various alternative medicine approaches (multiple herbs, specific diets, etc.) “cured” their loved ones and/or tell us how their neighbor, co-worker or friend has survived five, eight or 10 years or even that “they can cure cancer now.” These people do not seem to know much about cancer in general, let alone pancreatic cancer — that there are different types and that different people respond differently to treatment. I have tried to simply say “that’s interesting” to suggestions of alternative therapies and “how fortunate for him or her” to the others but, unfortunately, these people want to continue telling us what we should be doing or insisting that he can live a long time. Since I see on a daily basis the deterioration in my husband’s condition, I find these comments and unsolicited advice extremely distressing. Recently, in an attempt to end one of these unsolicited conversations, I told someone that they did not seem to know much about pancreatic cancer and walked away from them. I was later told that I was being rude. Can you suggest a polite way to shut these people up so they do not add to my stress and grief?

Upset

DEAR UPSET: I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. In this context, anything other than loving kindness and gentle support from people around you is not particularly helpful.

However, understand that the person bringing this up may feel compelled or duty-bound to suggest an alternative to your husband’s medical treatment, because of experiences they have had, heard about or read about. I’m just trying to explain — not excuse — the motivation behind the intrusion.

But please — do not engage in these conversations about miracle cures, even to the extent of pretending to listen. Look the person in the eye, say, “I think you’re trying to help, but this conversation is making things much harder for me, so please — let’s stop now.”