How do you overcome negativity? I mean, it's so easy to snowball into everything. Get offended at the slightest things, get pissed off about day to day minutia..... Do you feel it when it happens to you? Do you let it continue or do you do something to shake it off? I mean, constant negativity just has to make you miserable, and everyone around you.
I have a dear friend who has allowed negativity to rule her heart lately and it's driving me NUTS. I'm trying to let it roll off, and assume she'll get back to herself, but I'm getting worried that won't happen. It's affecting everything she touches. She's negative at church, with her kids, with anything you try to converse about. And I'm sure she thinks it's justified, but the chip on her shoulder is getting bigger and bigger and I have to fight the urge to just harshly knock it off.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My sister gets very negative. I know it has to do with her not taking her meds for depression as it's always the first sign. I try not to nag her but when it gets to be too much I ask her to please take her medicine as it affects everything in her life.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
I never understood those kinds of people. I'm pretty much happy go lucky all the time. I rarely get pissed off. I have just never had that type of personality.
Now, there was a guy that worked for me, and when he was being like that, I would call him broody. I would tease him about it. When he would come in, I would ask him if he was broody today or not. When he would answer me in a short way, I would respond by saying, "OK, thanks, Mr. Broody". It made him realize how others saw him. I still tease him, but he's not broody anymore...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
I had a co-worker who used to call people out on it. She would say firmly and loudly, "stop the negativity!" It's been 25 years since I worked with her, but I still hear her voice resonating.
Has she seen a doctor? It sounds like she could be clinically depressed, since this is not her usual behavior. How long has she been acting like this?
Can you talk to her about it?
flan
She's not acting depressed, she's acting like a bitch.
Yesterday, I told her to stop with the negativity, and it did not help. And if I try to talk to her about it, there's always a reason for her to be pissy that someone else did, and this "is just me being honest".
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 14th of March 2016 10:59:59 AM
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Has she seen a doctor? It sounds like she could be clinically depressed, since this is not her usual behavior. How long has she been acting like this?
Can you talk to her about it?
flan
She's not acting depressed, she's acting like a bitch.
Yesterday, I told her to stop with the negativity, and it did not help. And if I try to talk to her about it, there's always a reason for her to be pissy that someone else did, and this "is just me being honest".
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 14th of March 2016 10:59:59 AM
Has she seen a doctor? It sounds like she could be clinically depressed, since this is not her usual behavior. How long has she been acting like this?
Can you talk to her about it?
flan
She's not acting depressed, she's acting like a bitch.
Yesterday, I told her to stop with the negativity, and it did not help. And if I try to talk to her about it, there's always a reason for her to be pissy that someone else did, and this "is just me being honest".
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 14th of March 2016 10:59:59 AM
Well, maybe she'll get tired of being so bitchy?
flan
I hope so. Right now she seems to be embracing it.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
She just really thinks all her complaining and attitude is warranted. I mean, I know what she is thinking - I just don't agree with her. She has gotten into the "if I don't do it, no one will" attitude, but people ARE doing things - she just can't see to give them credit for it. And quite frankly, if she's going to do things and then bitch about it incessantly, I'd rather she didn't do it at all.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I can understand that. I still would tell her I can't deal with all the negativity and to let me know when she's over it. I have actually had this conversation with my sister but I know it's because of the meds. When she realizes we all stay away she usually gets back on them but if there's no reason for your friend to be acting this way I'm not sure anything will do any good until she decides to adjust her attitude.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
And she complains if no one helps, but then when people DO step up and help, she complains about how they do it.
This is just a petty example.
Normally, she is in charge of the eggs for the Easter egg hunt. But, she's not going to be at the hunt this year b/c of a conflict and she didn't come to the planning meeting, so I got put in charge b/c I'm normally the one that helps her do it. We have a goal of 3000 eggs. We ask for donations of eggs, and this year we just didn't get as many donations as usual. I donated the amount I normally would and so did many others, but not everyone did. I don't know if it's because the church is doing better financially and people don't see as much need b/c we have money for it or not. She, however, bought 640 eggs and filled them. She asked what I was going to do about the shortage, and I told her we have a budget for the hunt, and I'll go out and buy them, and she got prickly about all that she had bought and donated because it was more than everyone else and was I going to reimburse her for that. Nobody TOLD her to buy that many, she did that herself. What, now I'm supposed to reimburse people for donations they chose to make?
And then we were filling eggs yesterday, and she insisted on counting every egg so we knew how many. We had one bin already filled, and another identical bin we were filling. She kept asking me if I had counted the full bin, yet, and I said no, that we were filling another bin just like it, so we'd count those and just estimate the other bin was the same. She said we couldn't do that and when I did it anyway, she said she didn't like it. I wanted to snap back that she could count them herself but I refrained - what she was pissed about is that she counted HERS so everyone else should have to count the rest. WHAT is the big deal? Arrrgggggghhhhhh! And she's mad b/c we don't have enough eggs. I kept telling her not to worry about it - the church will take care of it. I'm on the finance committee, I know how much I have available to spend on eggs!
She gets pissy if she thinks people don't volunteer or step up enough, and when they do, she doesn't like how they do it! The rest of us were cracking up and having fun while filling eggs, and she was so negative I told her to stop. She just got worse as the evening progressed.
As I said, it's petty - but it's just an example. There are worse issues.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
She got so pissy yesterday, she ended Awana early and sent everyone home rather than do a large group time even though she had a planned activity for it. And she gets mad about that all the time b/c she says no one volunteers to do large group time. The rest of us actually teach a class in Awana, she does not and her and her husband are in charge of the program. And another woman and I handle large group time the entire fall going into Christmas b/c we use it to practice for the Christmas pageant. And she has been missing a lot lately b/c of conflicts and we all cover and handle everything while she is gone.
I'm trying to stay positive, but I want to hit her over the head with the Bible and remind her what "serving" at church is about!
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I understand a negative mood now and then. We are have those times.
But some seem to revel in them.
My best friend turned into that person.
She and I met in middle school. She was fun and upbeat and always ready to try new things and meet new people. Then she had a lot of crap happen and she became bitter. I have tried talking to her over the years but it hasn't helped. I love her but I can't be around her for long periods of time. I catch myself falling into that negative space. So I keep contact in check. When we visit, it's a workout keeping the mood up.
I had an employee who came in every day and brought the whole store down. She was easier to deal with because there wasn't a long emotional tie there. I remember one day she came in and started her usual litany of wrongs she could find. It was just the two of us there, I was checking the til and I stepped back where I could see her and calmly and matter of factly told her if one more sour or negative comment come out of her mouth she was going on a permanent leave of absence, then I just stepped back up and went back to counting. I didn't have to deal with anymore.
And then there is my mom. I love her, would do anything for her but that woman could find cracks in the pearly gates. I've learned to ignore her negativity.
Negativity is contagious. When I feel a cause of it coming on, I try to count my blessings. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I've noticed it's when I start taking thing for granted.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
She got so pissy yesterday, she ended Awana early and sent everyone home rather than do a large group time even though she had a planned activity for it. And she gets mad about that all the time b/c she says no one volunteers to do large group time. The rest of us actually teach a class in Awana, she does not and her and her husband are in charge of the program. And another woman and I handle large group time the entire fall going into Christmas b/c we use it to practice for the Christmas pageant. And she has been missing a lot lately b/c of conflicts and we all cover and handle everything while she is gone.
I'm trying to stay positive, but I want to hit her over the head with the Bible and remind her what "serving" at church is about!
I would have a hard time staying positive. Even if she hears comments from people other than you, it sounds like that will just make her more defensive.
Could she possibly be going through some sort of melt down? She may be doing to much activities and is causing her to have a lot of stress. She may need to cut down on her jobs at Church. God loves a cheerful giver and doesn't expect us to be involved in every single ministry in the Church.
LL, it sounds like she may be struggling with things.
Maybe she needs to know she isn't in this alone. You may not see it but she may feel taken advantage of or something.
Maybe it's something in her personal life, family or job.
Of course pray for her, but maybe have her over or go out and see if she will talk.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Oh yes. She is stressed. She converted from working for someone else to having her own business, and she works CONSTANTLY, but if you try to tell her she's working too much, she'll just tell you that's what you have to do when you have your own business. I've tried talking to her about it and how the perk of having your own business is that you can control how much you work. She's got 2 girls both very active and quite accomplished which makes it even more stressful, and she's constantly chauffeur, and they have to travel for the one daughter's activities. She has stepped back some from the church, but then she doesn't like the way others handle it. She needs to step down from running the Awana program, but she is the kind that has to be in charge of something.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
She lives in darkness. I have visited darkness, but I would not want to live there.
She needs to be told, firmly and compassionately that she is casting her darkness onto all that she touches. It IS her darkness, not yours or your friends, just hers. Make her own it.
We ALL have negative aspects to our lives, most of us choose not to dwell in the negative though.
Gosh, I feel for you and your friends.
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I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
Oh yes. She is stressed. She converted from working for someone else to having her own business, and she works CONSTANTLY, but if you try to tell her she's working too much, she'll just tell you that's what you have to do when you have your own business. I've tried talking to her about it and how the perk of having your own business is that you can control how much you work. She's got 2 girls both very active and quite accomplished which makes it even more stressful, and she's constantly chauffeur, and they have to travel for the one daughter's activities. She has stepped back some from the church, but then she doesn't like the way others handle it. She needs to step down from running the Awana program, but she is the kind that has to be in charge of something.
Now that I can understand.
She over extends herself and then takes it out on everyone.
The only thing I can see helping is if a responsibility is taken from her. And it will have to be removed cause she will not give it up on her own.
Of course that means she will probably feel like she was done wrong.
As much as you love your friend, it sounds like you may have to step back from the friendship some.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
It works on me every time. I say this to myself. "Is this how you want your kids to remember today?!?"
It stops me in my tracks. If I can't smile and be positive, I get out of the way. I don't want to ever ruin another person's good time but especially not my kids.
She's been at this for a while? Ask her if this is how she wants her kids to look back and see her. A pissy mom who ruined all of the fun. Not the mom I'd want my kids to remember... You are a legacy to your family, be a good one.
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Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.
She lives in darkness. I have visited darkness, but I would not want to live there.
She needs to be told, firmly and compassionately that she is casting her darkness onto all that she touches. It IS her darkness, not yours or your friends, just hers. Make her own it.
We ALL have negative aspects to our lives, most of us choose not to dwell in the negative though.
I don't have advice on your situation. It sounds miserable though.
ETA: can you point out how unhappy she seems? Tell her all this negativity is not normal for her and you are getting worried. And when she comes back with all her 'reasons', point out that there are only two options: either she needs to do it with a happy heart of accept that others will do it their own way. And if she gets all huffy, let her know that you will always be her friend but it's getting hard to be around someone who is in a continual bad mood.
-- Edited by NAOW on Monday 14th of March 2016 07:20:33 PM
