Dear Prudence, My husband and I have been married for three years. I am about to turn 30, and we are discussing the possibility of having children, although we are both leaning no. I have never felt a maternal need for kids, though I would love to have a dog. I have friends with children and while I love playing the part of auntie, I am exhausted after spending a day with them. When I think about kids, I mostly think about the negatives: They are expensive, we won’t be able to travel, and I have a family history of mental illness and some other diseases I would hate to pass down. There is one thing that keeps me from saying “no,” and that is that I am afraid of being alone when I am old and can’t fend for myself. I see my grandmother and have no idea what she would do if it weren’t for my mother and her siblings. I recently visited my old nanny in a state-run nursing home and it left me with nightmares. Should we have a child to make sure someone is there to care for us? Should we look into the Hemlock Society? I should add that I am generally not a strong person and have told my husband many times I pray that I die before he does.
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—Don’t Want to Die Alone
I have a lot of sympathy for anyone willing to admit they’re terrified of dying alone. But you should not have children. Raising a child for the sole purpose of creating a future nurse is no reason to start a family. Any child of yours would pretty quickly pick up on the fact that you find them exhausting, expensive, and a burden—things that are true of all children, but in your case would not be balanced by parental love. My guess is that child would not then leap at the chance to provide you with round-the-clock care in your declining years.
You must know on some level that having children does not guarantee anyone a peaceful death. Many people outlive their children. Many people with living, healthy children are still put into nursing homes for a variety of reasons. Having a child now is not insurance that you will be given the kind of death you want. Address your fear about end-of-life care directly by planning ahead. Establish a living will, start a retirement/medical fund that will help pay for private nursing, but don’t bring a child into the world just to alleviate your desire to avoid institutional care. Consider seeing a therapist to confront your (very normal!) concerns about your own mortality and what the end of your life may look like; you owe it to yourself to face these fears head on, rather than try to build a baby escape hatch and run away from them.
There's no guarantee that the child(ren) would take care of her anyway.
Personally, having children was always something I planned to do. Some day. When I met DH, I realized that day was here. If we had not been able to have them, I would have felt a void. And I think dying without any children ends a bloodline. And it's sad. Flame away, but that's how I feel even though I am aware that there are some people who don't want children.
Yeah, you could have 10 kids and none of them might take care of you. That's a crapshoot for sure. However, i can't imagine going through life without your own children. I have a couple of childless friends. Their homes just seem to so stale and loney. And, you can flame me as well, lol.
However, having children doesn't mean they will do ANYTHING you want them to.
And taking care of you when you are old is never a guarantee.
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