Q. Best friends ... forever?: I have a good friend whom I met at 5 years old; we are now 34. She is my emergency contact (after my husband). She remembers my birthday, wedding anniversary, etc., and sends us flowers and thoughtful cards. When my appendix burst seven years ago, she drove six hours to stay with me in the hospital, using all of her vacation time! If she sees my family around town, she spends half an hour chatting with them. She’s a great person, but each year I think about cutting her out of my life. She thinks black people are naturally “less intelligent,” gays are “gross,” she loves Trump, she bought her dog from a puppy mill and didn’t care about the horrible conditions there, she declawed her cats, she thinks feminists are just being “babies” and poor people probably deserve it. She doesn’t broadcast these things, but I know her and this is who she is. When I have black/gay/feminist friends over, she is completely polite and kind to them and they usually love her, but I know how she feels inside! When I try to sway her thinking, she doesn’t want any part of it. She also doesn’t try to make me think like she does. She is a great friend and her husband is a great guy. We have fun together, but I feel icky when I think about what I consider to be her HUGE flaws. I just don’t feel good about the friendship, but I care about her. What should I do?
A: I do not agree that your friend is a great person! She has treated you kindly in many instances, which is very nice, but that is not the same thing as being a great person. “Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people” and “treating gay people like human beings” are necessary conditions of greatness, and your friend fails both of those tests. It’s wonderful that you fall into the category of “people she considers people,” but you know perfectly well that her kindness is conditional. Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness—it’s hypocrisy. Frankly, it’s additionally unsettling that she continues to think of nonstraight, nonwhite people as subhuman even after spending time socializing with them. You don’t have to “sway her thinking,” but you do need to speak up when she espouses homophobic and racist sentiments. If she continues to do so even after you voice your objections, you may have to re-evaluate just how great she really is.
I have been in this sort of situation. It is hard to see someone you care about have opinions you find repugnant. She just needs to either buck it up and deal with it, or let her go once and for all.
For me, it would really really depend on how she handles herself in the day to day world. If she is rude to black waitstaff, and snide to gay coworkers, then I might limit my contact with her to just phone calls and cards. If she directly confronted someone about their race or sexuality, I would probably engage in the slow fade.
But, if she is generally a good person that trwats people well, just thinks nasty thoughts, let it go amd be her friend.
"She doesn’t broadcast these things, but I know her and this is who she is. When I have black/gay/feminist friends over, she is completely polite and kind to them and they usually love her, but I know how she feels inside! When I try to sway her thinking, she doesn’t want any part of it. She also doesn’t try to make me think like she does."
Let's see....she doesn't actually talk about or SAY these things, it's just that the LW KNOWS what she is thinking. And the LW dwells on these assumptions rather than appreciate what sounds like a good and loyal friend.
Yes, she should dump her friend. For her friend's sake. Who wants a friend that thinks so little of you even when you are willing to drive hours and use up all your vacation time to help her?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
LW is just darn lucky none of the nice has rubbed off on her.
How can you be friends with anyone who goes above and beyond like that?
I just don't get it.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Sorry flan, but while YOU may not think like this, many liberals do. Many are so self-righteous in their opinions that anyone who disagrees with them is not worthy of even friendship.
There was a letter a couple of weeks ago on Dear Prudie where a wife was all hot and bothered that her husband was going to vote for Donald Trump. Prudie basically told her to try to get to the bottom of why he wanted to do that, and if his answers were not satisfactory--she said to divorce him.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Sorry flan, but while YOU may not think like this, many liberals do. Many are so self-righteous in their opinions that anyone who disagrees with them is not worthy of even friendship.
There was a letter a couple of weeks ago on Dear Prudie where a wife was all hot and bothered that her husband was going to vote for Donald Trump. Prudie basically told her to try to get to the bottom of why he wanted to do that, and if his answers were not satisfactory--she said to divorce him.
This Prudie is an idiot.
You know what REALLY bothers me about this letter? The friend doesn't act hateful or racist or anything else. She's polite, kind and sociable. Here's a news flash - you have NO IDEA what is going on in someone else's heart and mind. And really? Many of us grew up in racist homes because that was the older generation and have spent our adult life overcoming that. This woman may be trying and struggling to overcome beliefs she was raised with.
But the intolerance of the LW? Horrid. She's an awful, judgmental bitch.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Sorry flan, but while YOU may not think like this, many liberals do. Many are so self-righteous in their opinions that anyone who disagrees with them is not worthy of even friendship.
There was a letter a couple of weeks ago on Dear Prudie where a wife was all hot and bothered that her husband was going to vote for Donald Trump. Prudie basically told her to try to get to the bottom of why he wanted to do that, and if his answers were not satisfactory--she said to divorce him.
husker, are you claiming that is not also true of Conservatives?
Sorry flan, but while YOU may not think like this, many liberals do. Many are so self-righteous in their opinions that anyone who disagrees with them is not worthy of even friendship.
There was a letter a couple of weeks ago on Dear Prudie where a wife was all hot and bothered that her husband was going to vote for Donald Trump. Prudie basically told her to try to get to the bottom of why he wanted to do that, and if his answers were not satisfactory--she said to divorce him.
Sorry flan, but while YOU may not think like this, many liberals do. Many are so self-righteous in their opinions that anyone who disagrees with them is not worthy of even friendship.
There was a letter a couple of weeks ago on Dear Prudie where a wife was all hot and bothered that her husband was going to vote for Donald Trump. Prudie basically told her to try to get to the bottom of why he wanted to do that, and if his answers were not satisfactory--she said to divorce him.
husker, are you claiming that is not also true of Conservatives?
flan
Yes, I'm claiming that.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It seems odd that the friend doesn't act judgmental but the LW swears she knows what she is thinking. It would be totally different if the LW backed it up by saying she was kind to the black or gay friend to their faces but the moment they left she couldn't stop talking about them. I wonder what gave the LW the idea her friend judges others different from herself.
I'm inclined to agree with LL that she may have been raised in a bigoted home & is overcoming it as an adult which speaks to her character IMO.
