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Lawyerlady


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Q. Too trivial to break up over?: I accidentally overheard my fiancée telling a friend on the phone, “John might not have a lot of money, but at least he doesn’t have any parents to annoy me.” My parents both died in a car accident in my early 20s. Shocked by this comment, we took a short break afterward. My fiancée said that it was something stupid she said as a joke and that she was sincerely sorry and didn’t mean it. She and I have much history together, and I love her. Yet, even after getting back together, I can’t forget or totally forgive her for what she said. I may have been an adult when I lost my parents, but they were my whole world. Is it crazy to throw away a whole relationship based on this one comment?

A: It’s not crazy. I have a fair amount of sympathy for your fiancée, who I don’t think is necessarily a secretly callous monster for making a grim joke about not having to deal with in-laws to a friend of hers, but I can also understand why this would haunt you. If you have a long history together and she has always treated you kindly and well, you must know on some level that she does care about you and is not secretly rejoicing at the death of your parents—that moment of gallows humor was not necessarily a reveal of her true, callous character but a way of acknowledging the painful reality of your situation to a friend.

But if you don’t think you can forget it, tell her so. You can’t take her back only to secretly resent and suspect her for the rest of your lives. Tell her that what she said hit you very hard and that it hurt you to see her make light of the most painful experience of your life, even if she did not say it directly to you. You’re not crazy for entertaining doubts about your relationship, but I do think it would be a mistake not to at least try to move past this together. You would likely get a great deal out of a few weeks or months of couples counseling around this particular fight. Make it clear how much this has hurt you—don’t try to act like you’ve moved past it when you haven’t—and if her response is compassionate and apologetic, then I think you can trust her. Your parents may have been your whole world, but if she’s going to be a part of that world, you’re going to have to be able to fight and hurt one another and apologize and forgive.



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That'd be a tough one.

I can see this popping up again and again throughout the years if he can't let it go.

And I can understand if he cant.

They need to postpone the wedding.

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just Czech


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IMHO, she was callous. Who would make a positive out of such a negative life event?

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just Czech wrote:

IMHO, she was callous. Who would make a positive out of such a negative life event?

 Sometimes people laugh when they are nervous, it could have been something similar.



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Fort Worth Mom


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Bonny22Pye wrote:
just Czech wrote:

IMHO, she was callous. Who would make a positive out of such a negative life event?

 Sometimes people laugh when they are nervous, it could have been something similar.

That was a heartless thing to say.

I would drop her like a "hot rock", if I were him.

JMHO. 



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NAOW


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I'm guessing the friend was complaining about something her in-laws did and this girl threw this remark in the conversation as a joke.

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Well depends on their age. Given the letter it appears they are late 20's or such. By that time one has developed their compassion sense. That is just something I wouldn't dream to joke about.

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Lawyerlady


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She wasn't talking to him, and he wasn't meant to hear. While it was insensitive, if this is a make it or break it issue for him even after she has apologized repeatedly, then he's not ready for marriage, anyway.

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Fort Worth Mom


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Lawyerlady wrote:

She wasn't talking to him, and he wasn't meant to hear. While it was insensitive, if this is a make it or break it issue for him even after she has apologized repeatedly, then he's not ready for marriage, anyway.

He wasn't meant to hear it.

But, he did.

She never should have made such a cold, heartless remark, to a friend. Even in jest.

Yet, she did.

(No where in the letter, does it say that she apologized repeatedly.)

I can't even imagine, saying such a thing.

Nope. She's heartless.

He's better off without her.

Again, JMHO.



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Ohfour


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Lawyerlady wrote:

She wasn't talking to him, and he wasn't meant to hear. While it was insensitive, if this is a make it or break it issue for him even after she has apologized repeatedly, then he's not ready for marriage, anyway.

 Absolutely. 



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Lawyerlady


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Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

She wasn't talking to him, and he wasn't meant to hear. While it was insensitive, if this is a make it or break it issue for him even after she has apologized repeatedly, then he's not ready for marriage, anyway.

He wasn't meant to hear it.

But, he did.

She never should have made such a cold, heartless remark, to a friend. Even in jest.

Yet, she did.

(No where in the letter, does it say that she apologized repeatedly.)

I can't even imagine, saying such a thing.

Nope. She's heartless.

He's better off without her.

Again, JMHO.

 "she was sincerely sorry and didn’t mean it."

 

They have likely talked about this more than once, especially if they took a break over it.  If he wants to throw their entire relationship away over one thoughtless comment that wasn't even said to him, then she is better off without him.  JMHO.



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Fort Worth Mom


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

She wasn't talking to him, and he wasn't meant to hear. While it was insensitive, if this is a make it or break it issue for him even after she has apologized repeatedly, then he's not ready for marriage, anyway.

He wasn't meant to hear it.

But, he did.

She never should have made such a cold, heartless remark, to a friend. Even in jest.

Yet, she did.

(No where in the letter, does it say that she apologized repeatedly.)

I can't even imagine, saying such a thing.

Nope. She's heartless.

He's better off without her.

Again, JMHO.

 "she was sincerely sorry and didn’t mean it."

 

They have likely talked about this more than once, especially if they took a break over it.  If he wants to throw their entire relationship away over one thoughtless comment that wasn't even said to him, then she is better off without him.  JMHO.

That she would even joke about the death of his parents, makes me want to puke.cry

He is better off, without her.

JMHO. 



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just Czech


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IMHO, there are just some things you should never joke about, death of your SO's parents would be on that list.

I'm sure it was a thoughtless comment, but still, she should have known better.

If he can't get past the comment and subsequent time apart due to the comment, and he feels it is still an unresolved issue, he needs to move on. For some reason the comment haunts him and that is not the right footing to start a marriage.

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I've heard people say worse things about the in-laws they have that are alive, along the lines of waiting for them to die. Hell, I've heard people say that about their own parents, even on this board.

We don't even know that she ever met them. It wasn't a personal slight against them.

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Mellow Momma


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DH and I are the worst people in the world then. He has apologized several times for not being an orphan. I have made jokes about their untimely deaths and wearing a red dress to their funerals. My inlaws suck.

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Lawyerlady


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We were the longest visitors ever at our church. We told them we couldn't join until my MIL died or we'd give her a heart attack. It became a normal thing whenever someone new would ask when we were going to actually join the church and someone standing nearby would crack, "When MIL dies." She's Catholic. Our church is Baptist.

We did finally join the church, but we have not told my MIL.

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just Czech


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I admit, I did make jokes about the in-laws while they were alive, and DH has also made a comment or two regarding my parents, again while alive. But once dead, it's off limits in our home. IMHO, it has to do more with respecting my spouse then with respecting the dead.

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just Czech wrote:

I admit, I did make jokes about the in-laws while they were alive, and DH has also made a comment or two regarding my parents, again while alive. But once dead, it's off limits in our home. IMHO, it has to do more with respecting my spouse then with respecting the dead.

 Again, she didn't say it to HIM, she said it to a friend, and he overheard.  Had she said it to him, my feelings would be different. 



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Fort Worth Mom


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I guess the best thing about this question is, "They aren't married yet."

For sure, such a heartless comment, would give me pause.

And, it makes me sad.

I had great in-laws. I miss them, every day.

In my opinion, this gal should have kept her trap shut.

This isn't the kind of thing, that you make a joke about. It's beyond, in poor taste. It's hurtful, to the man that you intended to marry.

I can't defend her.

That she made a joke, about her fiancés parents, who died in an auto accident?

Gosh. He lost both of his parents. In one day. One car crash.

And, she joked to a friend, over the phone, about it??????????

JOKED!!furious

That is sick. I can't even imagine it.cry



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Lawyerlady


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Fort Worth Mom wrote:

I guess the best thing about this question is, "They aren't married yet."

For sure, such a heartless comment, would give me pause.

And, it makes me sad.

I had great in-laws. I miss them, every day.

In my opinion, this gal should have kept her trap shut.

This isn't the kind of thing, that you make a joke about. It's beyond, in poor taste. It's hurtful, to the man that you intended to marry.

I can't defend her.

That she made a joke, about her fiancés parents, who died in an auto accident?

Gosh. He lost both of his parents. In one day. One car crash.

And, she joked to a friend, over the phone, about it??????????

JOKED!!furious

That is sick. I can't even imagine it.cry

 You loved your in-laws, FWM.  You were close to them, and miss them.  It doesn't sound like this girl ever even met them.  It just wasn't personal to her. 



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Fort Worth Mom


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:

I guess the best thing about this question is, "They aren't married yet."

For sure, such a heartless comment, would give me pause.

And, it makes me sad.

I had great in-laws. I miss them, every day.

In my opinion, this gal should have kept her trap shut.

This isn't the kind of thing, that you make a joke about. It's beyond, in poor taste. It's hurtful, to the man that you intended to marry.

I can't defend her.

That she made a joke, about her fiancés parents, who died in an auto accident?

Gosh. He lost both of his parents. In one day. One car crash.

And, she joked to a friend, over the phone, about it??????????

JOKED!!furious

That is sick. I can't even imagine it.cry

 You loved your in-laws, FWM.  You were close to them, and miss them.  It doesn't sound like this girl ever even met them.  It just wasn't personal to her. 

They were her fiancés  parents.

He loved them.

He misses them.

And, she made such a heartless joke/crack/remark about them?

Good grief!

cry

I stand by my original opinion.

Drop her, like a hot rock. 



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Lawyerlady


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She didn't say it to HIM.

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Ohfour


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He needs to grow up.

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Fort Worth Mom


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Lawyerlady wrote:

She didn't say it to HIM.

She shouldn't have said it, at all.

 



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Lawyerlady


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Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

She didn't say it to HIM.

She shouldn't have said it, at all.

 

 Well, she did.  And when he was hurt, she said she was sorry.  It was a stupid thing to say - but she didn't kill them.  Marriage requires forgiveness on a regular basis.  If he can't move past this and wants to hold a grudge over something she has apologized sincerely for, he's not marriage material, yet, b/c he still has a lot of growing up to do.  Frankly, if I was her, just knowing this was still in his craw after all this time, after I've apologized and he's had months to get over it?  I'd run, and run fast.

 

 



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I guess in the end, this relationship isn't meant to be.

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Lawyerlady wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

She didn't say it to HIM.

She shouldn't have said it, at all.

 

 Well, she did.  And when he was hurt, she said she was sorry.  It was a stupid thing to say - but she didn't kill them.  Marriage requires forgiveness on a regular basis.  If he can't move past this and wants to hold a grudge over something she has apologized sincerely for, he's not marriage material, yet, b/c he still has a lot of growing up to do.  Frankly, if I was her, just knowing this was still in his craw after all this time, after I've apologized and he's had months to get over it?  I'd run, and run fast.

 

 

Thank goodness, they aren't married yet.

She is the one who isn't marriage material.

She is a "Stone Cold Bitch". To even think such a thing...let alone, joke about it, with a friend. On the phone.

He should run far...run fast.

And thank goodness, he didn't marry such a heartless bitch. 



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Ohfour


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Wow. Ive said worse to G. I guess we have a sick sense of humor. If I ever said something that upset him, he would tell me, I would sincerely apologize, and we would move on. It happens. You're husband has never said anything unintentionally that hurt your feelings?

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He can choose to forgive her or not. If he can't, he should move on. It's his choice either way. Either put it behind you and forgive and forget, or move on from the relationship.

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Lawyerlady


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No one knows what was on the other end of that phone call. Maybe her friend has a horrid mother in law and she was hurt and crying and this girl just tried to lighten the mood with a joke. We all say things to our best friends, that we wouldn't say to other people.

And all people handle death differently. Some people are very matter of fact about it, some people are devastated, and some younger people have never actually had it touch them, and don't really get it.

So crucify her if you want, but she didn't say it heartlessly to him, and she's sorry she said it. But if he can't get over it, it's not fair to her to keep bringing this back up. He has to accept her apology and get over it, or he needs to end it.

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Ohfour wrote:

Wow. Ive said worse to G. I guess we have a sick sense of humor. If I ever said something that upset him, he would tell me, I would sincerely apologize, and we would move on. It happens. You're husband has never said anything unintentionally that hurt your feelings?

Oh4, I'm sure that after 35 years, we have had a few "words", here or there.

To say something, so heartless.

No. 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Some people have more morbid type humor. Maybe she isnt' his type really.

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Lawyerlady


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And maybe he'll learn not to listen to other people's conversations.

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Lawyerlady wrote:

And maybe he'll learn not to listen to other people's conversations.

Well, you gotta be careful when you eavesdrop cuz you might hear something you don't like! 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Not everyone gets or appreciates our humor. And, that's OK. But, my sister will say "Let the World Die" when she is feeling annoyed. I think it's funny. Some people might not, lol.

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Lawyerlady wrote:

No one knows what was on the other end of that phone call. Maybe her friend has a horrid mother in law and she was hurt and crying and this girl just tried to lighten the mood with a joke. We all say things to our best friends, that we wouldn't say to other people.

And all people handle death differently. Some people are very matter of fact about it, some people are devastated, and some younger people have never actually had it touch them, and don't really get it.

So crucify her if you want, but she didn't say it heartlessly to him, and she's sorry she said it. But if he can't get over it, it's not fair to her to keep bringing this back up. He has to accept her apology and get over it, or he needs to end it.

You're right, LL.

No one knows what was on the other end of that phone call.

But to give a big, YEEHAW...I won't have in-laws...they are dead. I won't have to deal with them.

That sounds pretty heartless, to me.

 

 

 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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It might be heartless. Who knows? Or, she just blurted out a stupid comment. But, if he doesn't want to forgive her, he doesn't have too.

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Lawyerlady


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Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

No one knows what was on the other end of that phone call. Maybe her friend has a horrid mother in law and she was hurt and crying and this girl just tried to lighten the mood with a joke. We all say things to our best friends, that we wouldn't say to other people.

And all people handle death differently. Some people are very matter of fact about it, some people are devastated, and some younger people have never actually had it touch them, and don't really get it.

So crucify her if you want, but she didn't say it heartlessly to him, and she's sorry she said it. But if he can't get over it, it's not fair to her to keep bringing this back up. He has to accept her apology and get over it, or he needs to end it.

You're right, LL.

No one knows what was on the other end of that phone call.

But to give a big, YEEHAW...I won't have in-laws...they are dead. I won't have to deal with them.

That sounds pretty heartless, to me.

 

 

 

 I think you are projecting a little bit more into that than was in the OP.  I don't recall a YEEHAW. 

 

MIL jokes are a cliche. 



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I don't think that one remark is worthy of ending an otherwise great relationship. I don't see why its so hard to forgive if she is sincerely sorry.

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Well, i mean you can judge a person on one comment. OR, he can judge her on the overall relationship. We all make mistakes. Maybe her friend has some wicked sense of humor and they were jawing back and forth. Who knows? Not excusing it and as i said he doesn't have to excuse it if he chooses not too.

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Lawyerlady


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This was a conversation with her friend. Don't you say things to your friends you wouldn't say to others? Or is she just horrid for even thinking it?

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NAOW wrote:

I don't think that one remark is worthy of ending an otherwise great relationship. I don't see why its so hard to forgive if she is sincerely sorry.

Well, maybe they can over come it.

I have my doubts.

It was a very cold, unfeeling, thing to say.

I probably wouldn't give her a second chance.

But, if he wants to,

That would be his choice.



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Mellow Momma


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IMHO she sounds like a girl who has had boyfriends in the past whose parents were a piece of work and she is glad to not have to worry about that headache. I envy her.

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Mellow Momma wrote:

IMHO she sounds like a girl who has had boyfriends in the past whose parents were a piece of work and she is glad to not have to worry about that headache. I envy her.

 Excellent point.  Heck, it may have been one of the reasons she decided to go out with him. 



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