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Post Info TOPIC: Carolyn Hax has lost her damn mind.
huskerbb


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Carolyn Hax has lost her damn mind.
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if someone can post the letter about  the girl who wants to go into the military, it's a doozie.



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Lawyerlady


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Greetings Carolyn: My daughter is seriously considering going into the military. She’s a tough girl and I have confidence she would do well.

Problem is, her boyfriend of two years tells her that he is in full support of her but then spends mountains of time trying to convince her to do anything but the military. He has even recently had his parents talk to my daughter about the drawbacks. (Neither spent time in the military.)

As a result, my daughter has become very insecure and afraid of losing her boyfriend if she were to enter. I just want to pull him aside and strangle him, and his parents, for interfering. I’m so angry I’m at a loss how to handle this without losing my cool. Help! — Anonymous

I guess you’ll learn how strong she really is.

As hard as it is to watch, her boyfriend has every right to lobby against her doing this. Assuming he hasn’t crossed the line into manipulation, his opinion has only the power your daughter agrees to give it.

Any major decisions any of us make have to withstand that kind of pressure.

The most effective, non-homicidal way for you to get involved isn’t to apply counteracting pressure. It’s to say explicitly to your daughter what you were trying to say through staying out of it: “This is your decision. We trust you to make it, and we trust that if you want our opinion, you’ll ask.”

If she opens the door for you to weigh in on the boyfriend: “He of course doesn’t want you to leave — we’d miss you too, that goes without saying. Ultimately, though, you have to do what’s right for you. If you don’t feel strongly about the military, then that’s good to figure out now. If the military is something you do believe in strongly, then the people who love you and want to stay in your life will have to accept you and your service as a package deal.”

In your words, of course.

And make them your last words on this unless she asks. Her boyfriend is someone she chose but you guys were handed to her. How and when you exercise any influence you have over a grown child has to be respectful of this important distinction, lest you overstep.

 



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Lawyerlady


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I agree, Husker. She has lost her mind. It's perfectly ok for her boyfriend and his parents to pressure her but as her parents, they need to shut up?

"Her boyfriend is someone she chose but you guys were handed to her. How and when you exercise any influence you have over a grown child has to be respectful of this important distinction, lest you overstep."

That is damn stupid. She's 18 years old, he is NOT her husband, and they are her parents.

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huskerbb


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So, her advice is that this boyfriend and his parents can give all the unsolicited, self-serving advice they want to, but her parents need to butt out. Stupid.

Carolyn's bias against the military is clear.

Oh, and thanks, LL.

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huskerbb


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To be clear, I don't really have a problem with her boyfriend voicing his opinion--although I think his motivations are selfish. His parents are a different story.

That said, to tell her own parents to keep their mouths shut is where I have a problem.



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Dona Worry Be Happy


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It doesn't sound like mom cares if she goes or not. Her problem is the BF and his nosy parents. She can't control them, she can't stop her daughter from listening to them, she can ONLY control herself. What is she supposed to do, other than offer her confidence and loving support?

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And saying that if the BF really loves her he will stay with her throughout is EXACTLY the right thing to say.

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Lawyerlady


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As a mom, my advice would be that if she really wants to join the military, she should go, and she should not allow a boyfriend to influence that decision. They are only 18, and now is the time to fly and try new things, and that if he really loves you, that he would support your decision instead of trying to pressure or manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do.

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Lexxy


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Her advice was rambling & hard to follow for me. BF's parents need to butt out of this. I think I'd tell them just that.

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just Czech


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If the boyfriend and his parents opinion is more important than what SHE wants to do (join the military), she's to immature to make a definite decision at this point in her life.

IF the boyfriend truly loved her, he would support her, period.

The advice is stupid. Mom needs to tell her daughter to follow her dreams and stand strong WITH her.

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just Czech wrote:

If the boyfriend and his parents opinion is more important than what SHE wants to do (join the military), she's to immature to make a definite decision at this point in her life.

IF the boyfriend truly loved her, he would support her, period.

The advice is stupid. Mom needs to tell her daughter to follow her dreams and stand strong WITH her.

 Saying that your are confident that someone can choose what they want and make the right decision for themself IS standing strong with them. 

And that by default means that if the military is her dream she should follow it. 



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Lawyerlady


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If this was college - there would be no question that the parents had the right to encourage her to go.

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huskerbb


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Lawyerlady wrote:

If this was college - there would be no question that the parents had the right to encourage her to go.

 No kidding.  If her boyfriend was trying to talk her out of that, even if it was a long distance away, Carolyn would have called him "controlling" and his parents meddling.  



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Lawyerlady wrote:

If this was college - there would be no question that the parents had the right to encourage her to go.

 Mom doesn't say she wants her daughter to go, just that daughter was previously excited, and now is less confident.  



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Lawyerlady


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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

If this was college - there would be no question that the parents had the right to encourage her to go.

 Mom doesn't say she wants her daughter to go, just that daughter was previously excited, and now is less confident.  

 A boyfriend shouldn't make you less confident.



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LawyerLady

 

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huskerbb


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My issue isn't with the boyfriend. Of course he doesn't want her to go.

My issue is with the STUPID advice the columnist gave. And she gets PAID to spout her nonsense????

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Nobody Just Nobody


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I think the people who say if the b/f really loved her he would encourage her to follow her dreams are spot on.

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huskerbb


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I just can't imagine the reasoning for such poor advice other than the fact that Carolyn has a low opinion of the military as an option post high school.

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Lawyerlady


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huskerbb wrote:

I just can't imagine the reasoning for such poor advice other than the fact that Carolyn has a low opinion of the military as an option post high school.

 She appears to have a low opinion of parents, as well.



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LawyerLady

 

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huskerbb


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And a very high opinion of high school boyfriends.

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flan327


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I've never been too impressed with Ms. Hax.

flan

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