TOTALLY GEEKED!

Ohfour · Hooker

RE: Dear Abby: On call Grandma

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty
NO ONE said "withhold". It's a matter of time.
So their time is more important than hers?
She's the one who wants to see her grandkids, presumably, so yes, it's on their schedule.

Well, actually, the letter asks if she has to jump every time daughter asks. So, basically, your response is that yes, grandparents have to jump whenever their kids say if they want a relationship with their grandkids. Nice.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty
NO ONE said "withhold". It's a matter of time.
So their time is more important than hers?
She's the one who wants to see her grandkids, presumably, so yes, it's on their schedule.
Well, actually, the letter asks if she has to jump every time daughter asks. So, basically, your response is that yes, grandparents have to jump whenever their kids say if they want a relationship with their grandkids. Nice.

You must not be able to read. I said nothing of the sort. I said she needs to say no if she can't handle it.

i don't even know where you come up with your nonsense.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty
NO ONE said "withhold". It's a matter of time.
So their time is more important than hers?
She's the one who wants to see her grandkids, presumably, so yes, it's on their schedule.
Well, actually, the letter asks if she has to jump every time daughter asks. So, basically, your response is that yes, grandparents have to jump whenever their kids say if they want a relationship with their grandkids. Nice.
You must not be able to read. I said nothing of the sort. I said she needs to say no if she can't handle it.
i don't even know where you come up with your nonsense.

Yeah, I read what you said. Saying no to babysitting means they won't get to see the kids and the grandparents are the ones who have to change their schedules.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty
NO ONE said "withhold". It's a matter of time.
So their time is more important than hers?
She's the one who wants to see her grandkids, presumably, so yes, it's on their schedule.
Well, actually, the letter asks if she has to jump every time daughter asks. So, basically, your response is that yes, grandparents have to jump whenever their kids say if they want a relationship with their grandkids. Nice.
You must not be able to read. I said nothing of the sort. I said she needs to say no if she can't handle it.
i don't even know where you come up with your nonsense.
Yeah, I read what you said. Saying no to babysitting means they won't get to see the kids and the grandparents are the ones who have to change their schedules.

Again, that is logistics. It has nothing to do with the relationship.

So so mom has to run the kids over to grandmas--PLUS sit there with them the entire time? That's BS. That's just flipping the situation.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I doubt I will be able to have the relationship with grandkids that I had with my grandparents.

I don't think I will physically be able to. And that makes me very sad.

The daughter needs to stop thinking of her mom as a viable candidate.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty
NO ONE said "withhold". It's a matter of time.
So their time is more important than hers?
She's the one who wants to see her grandkids, presumably, so yes, it's on their schedule.
Well, actually, the letter asks if she has to jump every time daughter asks. So, basically, your response is that yes, grandparents have to jump whenever their kids say if they want a relationship with their grandkids. Nice.
You must not be able to read. I said nothing of the sort. I said she needs to say no if she can't handle it.
i don't even know where you come up with your nonsense.
Yeah, I read what you said. Saying no to babysitting means they won't get to see the kids and the grandparents are the ones who have to change their schedules.
Again, that is logistics. It has nothing to do with the relationship.

So so mom has to run the kids over to grandmas--PLUS sit there with them the entire time? That's BS. That's just flipping the situation.

Yep. That's what DD does. That's what I did.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

That's what we always did, too. We rarely saw our grandparents unless my Mom took us to see them.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lawyerlady wrote:
That's what we always did, too. We rarely saw our grandparents unless my Mom took us to see them.

When the kids were little, I bet my mother didn't step foot in my house 10 times. She HATED my ex and refused to even be around him. If I wanted them to have a relationship, that was on me. So I did exactly that. Loaded them up and took them to her house. almost every weekend for years...

huskerbb · Guru

And that's BS. It has to be a two way street. If grandma wants a relationship, it's more incumbent on her to make that happen.

I was very close to my paternal grandmother. My mom is close to all her grandkids. She goes to their activities. She makes time.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
And that's BS. It has to be a two way street. If grandma wants a relationship, it's more incumbent on her to make that happen.

I was very close to my paternal grandmother. My mom is close to all her grandkids. She goes to their activities. She makes time.

No, it's really not. It's worked well for my family and for many others. I haven't been to DDs house since before Christmas. I see them at least once a week...

Ohfour · Hooker

Come to think of it, I don't remember my grandparents coming to our house growing up. We were always at theirs...

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Most people I know always talked about going to Grandma's, not the other way around. And the whole family would go. I mean, they are the parents' parents, you'd think they would want to spend time with them, too, not just use them for free babysitting.

My mother lives in Michigan. In the past 10 years, my mother has been to my house twice. We have gone to see her all the other times.

huskerbb · Guru

I was always at grandmas house too--being babysat.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
I was always at grandmas house too--being babysat.

My grandparents never babysat me. I had sitters, but they didn't do that...

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
I was always at grandmas house too--being babysat.
My grandparents never babysat me. I had sitters, but they didn't do that...

Mine didn't babysit me, either. Well, my step-grandmother did sometimes, but she had a kid my age - and we were playing together.

Ohfour · Hooker

I was just talking to my sister (now I need a drink), but I brought this up. She said (and I agreed) that we never had ANY family babysit us.

There were two sisters, Marilyn and Caroline, that went to our church and lived just a few miles from us. I remember spending time at their house and when my father has sales conferences every quarter, we would spend the weekend with them.

sweet tooth · Member

Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:

If the daughter thinks the grandmother should always be available then the daughter is wrong. The grandmother has a life too. But I do think grandparents should help sometimes, because raising kids and working at the same time is just about the most stressful and demanding period of people's lives. If there's ever a time an adult needs help, it's when they are trying to do it all. And another thing to consider is in 20 or so years when everyone is older and the grandparents need more help, their kids (the grandparents adult kids) will be more inclined to help them if they received help in their time of need. They won't resent it, but they might if they were never helped. It's human nature.
Wow. Sweet tooth, I really just can't understand the attitude that expects grand-parents to help raise my child. They raised their kids. And to say that if grandparents don't help raise grand-kids they shouldn't expect any help from their own kids without resentment rather blows me away. I guess the entitled generation started earlier than I thought.
And believe it or not, there are lots of people that don't have the option of grandparents being at their beck and call and they manage just fine.
I raised my kids with almost no help whatsoever. I can't even imagine taking that out of my now partially disabled mother.
And I work more hours and have more responsibilities that my kids. I don't know many grandparents that are retired and can drop everything at the drop of a hat.

I don't think grandparents have to help raise the grandchildren. I just think they should help sometimes, like maybe once a month. Families are really busy. Is it really so much to ask of the grandparents? They expect the family to make time to see them. Why can't the family expect a little help now and then? Why is it an obligation to make time for the older relative, but not the other way around (assuming their health allows it)? I'm not saying the grandparents should be the day care provider. No way. Just some help here and there. Why is that considered entitled?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

sweet tooth wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:

If the daughter thinks the grandmother should always be available then the daughter is wrong. The grandmother has a life too. But I do think grandparents should help sometimes, because raising kids and working at the same time is just about the most stressful and demanding period of people's lives. If there's ever a time an adult needs help, it's when they are trying to do it all. And another thing to consider is in 20 or so years when everyone is older and the grandparents need more help, their kids (the grandparents adult kids) will be more inclined to help them if they received help in their time of need. They won't resent it, but they might if they were never helped. It's human nature.
Wow. Sweet tooth, I really just can't understand the attitude that expects grand-parents to help raise my child. They raised their kids. And to say that if grandparents don't help raise grand-kids they shouldn't expect any help from their own kids without resentment rather blows me away. I guess the entitled generation started earlier than I thought.
And believe it or not, there are lots of people that don't have the option of grandparents being at their beck and call and they manage just fine.
I raised my kids with almost no help whatsoever. I can't even imagine taking that out of my now partially disabled mother.
And I work more hours and have more responsibilities that my kids. I don't know many grandparents that are retired and can drop everything at the drop of a hat.
I don't think grandparents have to help raise the grandchildren. I just think they should help sometimes, like maybe once a month. Families are really busy. Is it really so much to ask of the grandparents? They expect the family to make time to see them. Why can't the family expect a little help now and then? Why is it an obligation to make time for the older relative, but not the other way around (assuming their health allows it)? I'm not saying the grandparents should be the day care provider. No way. Just some help here and there. Why is that considered entitled?

That's not what the OP says. It says - My oldest daughter feels we should be available to watch or pick up our grandkids whenever she calls.

sweet tooth · Member

My inlaws didn't talk to my kids when we went to visit. Just hello and goodbye, with a quick hug. Almost nothing in between. There were no cousins to play with, so they would just sit with us, not being talked to by the grandparents. I tried to get conversations going between them, but without the grandparents cooperation it didn't work. And no I don't put any responsiblility for it on my kids. 0% the kids fault. My kids were fine with everyone who treated them like they existed. I suppose some people here would say they were ok grandparents, and they didn't owe my kids anything. I disagree. I think they DID owe my kids something, and I think they sucked at being grandparents.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

sweet tooth wrote:
My inlaws didn't talk to my kids when we went to visit. Just hello and goodbye, with a quick hug. Almost nothing in between. There were no cousins to play with, so they would just sit with us, not being talked to by the grandparents. I tried to get conversations going between them, but without the grandparents cooperation it didn't work. And no I don't put any responsiblility for it on my kids. 0% the kids fault. My kids were fine with everyone who treated them like they existed. I suppose some people here would say they were ok grandparents, and they didn't owe my kids anything. I disagree. I think they DID owe my kids something, and I think they sucked at being grandparents.

Well, that's a totally different issue. Some people do such at being grandparents.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:

If the daughter thinks the grandmother should always be available then the daughter is wrong. The grandmother has a life too. But I do think grandparents should help sometimes, because raising kids and working at the same time is just about the most stressful and demanding period of people's lives. If there's ever a time an adult needs help, it's when they are trying to do it all. And another thing to consider is in 20 or so years when everyone is older and the grandparents need more help, their kids (the grandparents adult kids) will be more inclined to help them if they received help in their time of need. They won't resent it, but they might if they were never helped. It's human nature.
Wow. Sweet tooth, I really just can't understand the attitude that expects grand-parents to help raise my child. They raised their kids. And to say that if grandparents don't help raise grand-kids they shouldn't expect any help from their own kids without resentment rather blows me away. I guess the entitled generation started earlier than I thought.
And believe it or not, there are lots of people that don't have the option of grandparents being at their beck and call and they manage just fine.
I raised my kids with almost no help whatsoever. I can't even imagine taking that out of my now partially disabled mother.
And I work more hours and have more responsibilities that my kids. I don't know many grandparents that are retired and can drop everything at the drop of a hat.
I don't think grandparents have to help raise the grandchildren. I just think they should help sometimes, like maybe once a month. Families are really busy. Is it really so much to ask of the grandparents? They expect the family to make time to see them. Why can't the family expect a little help now and then? Why is it an obligation to make time for the older relative, but not the other way around (assuming their health allows it)? I'm not saying the grandparents should be the day care provider. No way. Just some help here and there. Why is that considered entitled?
That's not what the OP says. It says - My oldest daughter feels we should be available to watch or pick up our grandkids whenever she calls.

But then she goes on to say she schedules stuff a month ahead of time.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I was blessed enough to know my father's grandparents and his great grandfather on his mother's side.

I knew my mother's grandmother.

I was surrounded by grandparents, great grandparents and a great-great grandfather.

I remember each one distinctly. Having conversations and playing or helping them.

I remember sitting in my great-great grandfather's lap holding his pipe.

My relationship with each one of them is very special to me.

But I don't remember them being at our house unless something was wrong.

At one point, I was spending so much time at my mawmaw's, I had my own room.

But I can't remember her being at our house more than a handful of times.

Grandparents have raised their kids. And my mom told me the same thing her mom told her.

I raised mine, now you raise yours.

Doesn't mean there wasn't help when it was needed.

It means you expect someone else to do something you wouldnt.

Lindley · Guru

I babysit my grandson full time and even though I hurt when he goes home I adore him. I told my son and daughter in law that I wouldn't mind babysitting him so they can go out. There is talk of when the girls are old enough they can fly out to stay with us for the summer.

My dads parents died before I was 3 and I barely knew my moms parents. We would go see them every two years and my mom was ok with it. My maternal grandparents were divorced and my grandfather wasn't a good man and left my grandmother a very unhappy woman.

chef · Guru

I'm very lucky in that my parents and grandma will happily watch DS 9 of 10 times we ask them. Sometimes they can't and they say so. But, they're usually asking to have him so it works out.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I kind of agree with everyone here. Grandma doesn't feel well all the time and it can't be predicted. If she is agreeing to watch the kids for something the parents absolutely have to attend, like work or a work related dinner or maybe even a parent teacher conference, grandma needs to start saying no. That's the first step. She needs to say, "I really can't agree to that this far ahead of time because I don't know how I'll be feeling. Could you call me a couple days in advance?" Then if she agrees she needs to actually carry through. And the daughter needs to wake up and realize the mom is not a live in baby sitter. She needs to make arrangements for the kids to get home after school. Believe it or not there are millions of couples who don't have a parental option whether it be because they live far away, their parents have passed, or their parents just aren't into the grand kids. Or there are those like me that don't speak to my parents. My DH and I have always managed without depending on family. And it says these are school age kids so if grandma agrees to watch them she needs to suck it up and do it. I'm not saying she should be at the parents beck and call. That's not it at all. But if you agree it's also not fair to mom to back out at the last minute. Grandma doesn't have to lift the kids or change diapers. And they are old enough to take care of themselves with instructions and guidance from grandma. I think both parties need to sit down and talk and air out what is going on. Each side should do what they can. Oh, and husker is right. It will mean grandma will see her grand kids less. That's just how things work out.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:

If the daughter thinks the grandmother should always be available then the daughter is wrong. The grandmother has a life too. But I do think grandparents should help sometimes, because raising kids and working at the same time is just about the most stressful and demanding period of people's lives. If there's ever a time an adult needs help, it's when they are trying to do it all. And another thing to consider is in 20 or so years when everyone is older and the grandparents need more help, their kids (the grandparents adult kids) will be more inclined to help them if they received help in their time of need. They won't resent it, but they might if they were never helped. It's human nature.
Wow. Sweet tooth, I really just can't understand the attitude that expects grand-parents to help raise my child. They raised their kids. And to say that if grandparents don't help raise grand-kids they shouldn't expect any help from their own kids without resentment rather blows me away. I guess the entitled generation started earlier than I thought.
And believe it or not, there are lots of people that don't have the option of grandparents being at their beck and call and they manage just fine.
I raised my kids with almost no help whatsoever. I can't even imagine taking that out of my now partially disabled mother.
And I work more hours and have more responsibilities that my kids. I don't know many grandparents that are retired and can drop everything at the drop of a hat.
I don't think grandparents have to help raise the grandchildren. I just think they should help sometimes, like maybe once a month. Families are really busy. Is it really so much to ask of the grandparents? They expect the family to make time to see them. Why can't the family expect a little help now and then? Why is it an obligation to make time for the older relative, but not the other way around (assuming their health allows it)? I'm not saying the grandparents should be the day care provider. No way. Just some help here and there. Why is that considered entitled?
That's not what the OP says. It says - My oldest daughter feels we should be available to watch or pick up our grandkids whenever she calls.

But then she goes on to say she schedules stuff a month ahead of time.

And you think that means it isn't both? On the spot and a month ahead of time?

huskerbb · Guru

You post like its not both.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
You post like its not both.

No, I actually haven't. My very first post said Grandma should honor the times she has committed to.

huskerbb · Guru

And I've repeatedly said she needs to say no, so what are you even arguing about?