Hi, Carolyn: My mother and I have been at odds for the past five years about her cats. My now 11-year-old son has allergies to cats, his eyes swell shut and he becomes incredibly congested. He was 1 when he was diagnosed. My mother had no cats then, and never seemed to want one.
Now she has two. My family lives 1,000 miles away, and before the cats we would visit regularly. About four years ago we visited, but my son became very sick due to his allergy and we had to leave early.
My mom has made me feel bad that I am unable to visit, however I cannot afford to stay in a hotel and will not risk my son’s health because of her cats.
My mom thinks I am being selfish and should subject my son to allergy shots so he can visit. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that she would even mention that as a possibility. I love my mom but it hurts that she would choose to have cats instead of seeing her grandchildren more often. Who is right here? — Missing Family
DETROIT FREE PRESS
When your kids pick a hotel over your home
Well, the defender of the kid who can’t breathe is right by default.
But that doesn’t solve your problem, so let’s keep going.
You’re both being stubborn in your own ways. Her way is obvious — guilt-tripping you over your kid’s health? I struggle to see how she justifies that to herself.
Your way, though, has potency of its own. You live 1,000 miles away, so you’re clearly not there twice a month. She is allowed to manage her days between visits however it suits her to, also without guilt, and companion animals are a comfort for millions. Cats are also relatively easy. So at least respect her decision to prioritize the quality of, what, 350 days of her year, even though it complicates the other 15.
Yes, “complicates,” meaning cats aren’t the end of Grandma seeing Grandson unless you both make it so, meaning you both just need to drop your dukes. Your mom, for example, can pick up that hotel tab. Or you can both agree to meet at a neutral, group-vacation location. Or you can talk to an allergist; information doesn’t hurt and you can still decide no. What would you do if he made a cat-owning best friend?
Presently both of you think you have the right not to budge. Which you both do, of course, but — does exercising that right serve anybody well?
I do agree that accommodations could be made. In my case, it is the other side who is unwilling to compromise. So, I do what I need to do to protect my children's health.
The problem I have faced is that most people with furry pets don't understand ....nor do they care about how their animals affect the health of others. They think we should just suck it up. "Your problem, not mine." Or they think subjecting them to life threatening or at the very least, serious illness will help them "get used to" dander. Well, my boys were exposed to it from birth. That does not work, it only gets worse.
Immunotherapy is ongoing and appears to be working tremendously. Still, there is concern of over exposure. Having a couple hour play date at a house with cats is one thing. Bringing into your own home or flopping in a cathouse for several days is another.
Well, if he isn't having a problem in his daily like, then no i don't think they need to get allergy shots so i dont' agree with that. DH and I and my son are both highly allergic to cats. i had to stop going over to a friend's house because of it. It becomes more than just a runny nose for a hour or two. It was very miserable and would lead to a sinus infection that would last for several days. So, no i won't subject myself to that and neither will DH anymore, it isn't worth it.
Of course , grandma does not need to get rid of her cats. They live 1000 miles away so i assume they aren't visiting all that frequently. So, they need to compromise. Maybe they cant' travel out there as often but when they do, they need to stay at hotel. Maybe grandma can come to their way more often. Surely they can work this out for some infrequent visits.
OK. They live 1,000 miles away and are rarely there but Grandma is not supposed to have a cat?
Of course - Grandma can't expect them to come visit.
I actually pretty much agree with Carolyn.
I don't understand why allergy shots are a ridiculous suggestion? Cats are everywhere.
It is a tremendous commitment. Two shots, one in each arm, every week. They have to sit in the office for 30 minutes to make sure there is no reaction. Every week. For almost 2 years. Then every other week. For months. Then once a month. For years. Taking them out of school early for the appointments. Finding a clinic or doctor who will do it without charging a co-pay. Most charge. And depending on your insurance, you could be looking at $35.00 each time they get a shot. Then there are the refills. You have to return to the allergist. Get your first shot from them. Pay the co-pay. Wait 30 minutes. Bring your cooler (because the serum must stay refrigerated) and cart it over to where ever it is they get their weekly shots.
It is a ridiculous suggestion. I did it because there were many other allergies involved besides cats. And I wanted my boys to be able to live like other kids. But in this situation, the OP doesn't mention her 11 year old having problems anywhere else. I don't think it's a daily concern, outside of extended stays with grandma. And for that once or twice a year visit, no, I would not subject my child to immunotherapy.
OK. They live 1,000 miles away and are rarely there but Grandma is not supposed to have a cat?
Of course - Grandma can't expect them to come visit.
I actually pretty much agree with Carolyn.
I don't understand why allergy shots are a ridiculous suggestion? Cats are everywhere.
It is a tremendous commitment. Two shots, one in each arm, every week. They have to sit in the office for 30 minutes to make sure there is no reaction. Every week. For almost 2 years. Then every other week. For months. Then once a month. For years. Taking them out of school early for the appointments. Finding a clinic or doctor who will do it without charging a co-pay. Most charge. And depending on your insurance, you could be looking at $35.00 each time they get a shot. Then there are the refills. You have to return to the allergist. Get your first shot from them. Pay the co-pay. Wait 30 minutes. Bring your cooler (because the serum must stay refrigerated) and cart it over to where ever it is they get their weekly shots.
It is a ridiculous suggestion. I did it because there were many other allergies involved besides cats. And I wanted my boys to be able to live like other kids. But in this situation, the OP doesn't mention her 11 year old having problems anywhere else. I don't think it's a daily concern, outside of extended stays with grandma. And for that once or twice a year visit, no, I would not subject my child to immunotherapy.
Wow. Ok. Yikes.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
On the plus side, the boys are much healthier and the shots appear to be working. I think if they haven't, I might have a breakdown. LOL
There's also the psychological issues. The feeling of being "different". The attitudes of grandparents and aunt make them feel THEY have a problem. "It's not my problem, it's yours. I don't have allergies, you do." This is the attitude, too, of pet owners.
Fortunately, but sadly, too, allergies are all too common. So the boys are not alone in their daily lives. And they are grateful they do not have food allergies like some of their friends. There is nothing that can be done about food allergies besides avoidance.
I have made their weekly shot days fun for them. I bring candy and snacks for them to nosh on while waiting that 30 minutes in the dr's office. They "get" to play with my iPhone. They get their favorite meal for dinner. Now they are getting shots every other week (except when they get refills-it goes back to every week for three weeks since the serum is fresh and more potent), they are upset they don't get to choose dinner. They have come to look forward to shot days. But it has really taken its toll on me. I am so sick of doctors, I haven't seen mine in over a year.
I do agree that accommodations could be made. In my case, it is the other side who is unwilling to compromise. So, I do what I need to do to protect my children's health.
The problem I have faced is that most people with furry pets don't understand ....nor do they care about how their animals affect the health of others. They think we should just suck it up. "Your problem, not mine." Or they think subjecting them to life threatening or at the very least, serious illness will help them "get used to" dander. Well, my boys were exposed to it from birth. That does not work, it only gets worse.
Immunotherapy is ongoing and appears to be working tremendously. Still, there is concern of over exposure. Having a couple hour play date at a house with cats is one thing. Bringing into your own home or flopping in a cathouse for several days is another.
I agree. If mom wants them to visit, she needs to put her grandchild before her pets. That doesn't mean getting rid of the cats--but it means going and visiting them, sans cats, rather than expecting them to come to her. It means her ponying up for the hotel. It maybe means meeting in the middle--but probably on her dime.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I always have had a dog. Well, not everyone in my family likes dogs. There are times i have sent my dog to the kennel for a day or two while relatives visit. Not everyone loves you pet. Yeah, it's my house so my rules. But i prefer to offer that type of hospitality. If you don't want to, don't but don't expect people with allergies or who don't like pets to come to your home.
I recently refused Easter at a sisters. Her dog is so untrained. Jumping, clawing, drooling. And it will not leave you alone. It trips you also. No thanks!
IMO, she can choose her cats, whatever. I wouldn't expect someone to give up constant companionship, even the feline kind, for once or twice a year house guests. But don't get upset when we don't come over, and expect to meet up if you want to see your grands.
