DEAR MISS MANNERS: A new but good friend invited me to vacation with her at the beach for a low cost. It was just one room, and I warned my friend that I would need time to myself. I am an introvert and my friend is an extrovert.
Well, she never left me alone. She chatted day and night, and, because she was so pushy at getting her way on just about everything, we had a couple of pretty bad arguments.
She mentioned a later vacation, and I said I didn't want to go. She replied, "Good, because maybe you won't be invited."
Today I received a voicemail from her inviting me to go to Jamaica for a week at a low cost. I'd love to go, but just not with her. I also can't afford it, even at the low price. How can I keep her friendship, but tell her no, I don't want to go?
GENTLE READER: Well, you cannot have her pay for the vacation without including her, if that is what you are thinking. That is an even faster way of destroying the friendship than going with her or not going at all.
Forgive Miss Manners for thinking the worst, but you did plant the idea. "I'm so sorry, but I just can't" is what you should say. No excuses are necessary, but if she presses for a reason, you can mention work or it being a bad time, as long as you do not mention money, except to characterize her invitation as extremely generous.
Honestly, she sounds like a real pill. A chatty friend takes her on vacation and pays her way but doesn't give her enough alone time? Wah, wah. Yeah, maybe it's tiring but she paid your freaking bill. And, now you are put out because she has the nerve to ask to pay for you to go with her again. If you don't want to go, don't go. Sheesh.
Honestly, she sounds like a real pill. A chatty friend takes her on vacation and pays her way but doesn't give her enough alone time? Wah, wah. Yeah, maybe it's tiring but she paid your freaking bill. And, now you are put out because she has the nerve to ask to pay for you to go with her again. If you don't want to go, don't go. Sheesh.
Well, she wants a clean way out of the vacations without offending the "friend". She probably enjoys other freebees from the friend and doesn't want to give those up. Otherwise she would have no issue saying no.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Honestly, she sounds like a real pill. A chatty friend takes her on vacation and pays her way but doesn't give her enough alone time? Wah, wah. Yeah, maybe it's tiring but she paid your freaking bill. And, now you are put out because she has the nerve to ask to pay for you to go with her again. If you don't want to go, don't go. Sheesh.
Well, she wants a clean way out of the vacations without offending the "friend". She probably enjoys other freebees from the friend and doesn't want to give those up. Otherwise she would have no issue saying no.
Honestly, she sounds like a real pill. A chatty friend takes her on vacation and pays her way but doesn't give her enough alone time? Wah, wah. Yeah, maybe it's tiring but she paid your freaking bill. And, now you are put out because she has the nerve to ask to pay for you to go with her again. If you don't want to go, don't go. Sheesh.
Exactly. I'm not even sure what her issue is with the 2nd trip. She says she can't afford to go--but wants to go, just not with her generous friend? WTF is that?
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Honestly, she sounds like a real pill. A chatty friend takes her on vacation and pays her way but doesn't give her enough alone time? Wah, wah. Yeah, maybe it's tiring but she paid your freaking bill. And, now you are put out because she has the nerve to ask to pay for you to go with her again. If you don't want to go, don't go. Sheesh.
Exactly. I'm not even sure what her issue is with the 2nd trip. She says she can't afford to go--but wants to go, just not with her generous friend? WTF is that?
Oh of course! I would love to go! Please pay my way. And, just make sure you are not anywhere near me in Jamaica and leave me the heck alone, other than to pay for breakfast, lunch and supper.
I was in a situation like this once. My extremely extroverted friend invited me and DD camping- but we split the cost evenly. I am introverted, but I am really only certain of that because of this friend, lol. By the end of the trip I was so mentally exhausted, it's like just being near her sucks the energy out of me. She is a great person and we are still good friends but I will never do that again.
But yea, this girl sounds like a jerk. Either say you don't want to go or go enjoy her company. You can't accept someone's generosity and then tell them to leave you alone.
The friend invited her because she wants a companion for her vacation - not someone who wants to avoid her the whole time.
The OP says, "I warned my friend that I would need time to myself."
flan
And the girl probably thought that meant down time in the room not doing activities in public, not that she wouldn't be welcome to be around in their shared room.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I was in a situation like this once. My extremely extroverted friend invited me and DD camping- but we split the cost evenly. I am introverted, but I am really only certain of that because of this friend, lol. By the end of the trip I was so mentally exhausted, it's like just being near her sucks the energy out of me. She is a great person and we are still good friends but I will never do that again.
But yea, this girl sounds like a jerk. Either say you don't want to go or go enjoy her company. You can't accept someone's generosity and then tell them to leave you alone.
However, I do find people exhausting as well. I am an introvert also and it is very tiring to constantly have someone in your face. But, if she was paying my trip, i would make every attempt to be gracious about it.
But, obviously, she doens't enjoy vacationing with her so not sure of the need to write to an advice column. Just say NO thank you.
Well, the first vacation was ONE room, so how did she expect to have alone time? How about say " I am going for a jog on the beach" and then leave and go to a coffee shop or something.
So, yeah, if you can't afford your own room, then stay home if you can't stand company.
I just think it ridiculous to think you are going to get "alone" time in a room you are sharing. Gaga is right - she needed to take herself out for a walk or jog by herself, not expect the person sharing the room to disappear.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I just think it ridiculous to think you are going to get "alone" time in a room you are sharing. Gaga is right - she needed to take herself out for a walk or jog by herself, not expect the person sharing the room to disappear.
I agree. As a matter of fact when I go on my girl's w/e I plan on doing a lot of walking so no one exhausts me!
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
And the Jamaica proposed trip is the same situation: she invited her to go to Jamaica for a week at a low cost.
I don't think chatty friend is paying her way.
LW just needs to say no, I can't afford it.
The title said the friend paid.
I'm guessing the title of the thread may have been LGS's invention. When I went to the actual Miss Manners article, Miss Manners' headline was "Turning down vacation invitation doesn't need an excuse."
-- Edited by Blankie on Friday 8th of April 2016 08:58:56 AM
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No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you are,
And the Jamaica proposed trip is the same situation: she invited her to go to Jamaica for a week at a low cost.
I don't think chatty friend is paying her way.
LW just needs to say no, I can't afford it.
The title said the friend paid.
I'm guessing the title of the thread may have been LGS's invention. When I went to the actual Miss Manners article, Miss Manners' headline was "Turning down vacation invitation doesn't need an excuse."
-- Edited by Blankie on Friday 8th of April 2016 08:58:56 AM
We could ask LGS to get to the bottom of it.
LGS, when you titled this thread, did you copy and paste the headline, or make it up?
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No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you are,
I just think it ridiculous to think you are going to get "alone" time in a room you are sharing. Gaga is right - she needed to take herself out for a walk or jog by herself, not expect the person sharing the room to disappear.
I agree. As a matter of fact when I go on my girl's w/e I plan on doing a lot of walking so no one exhausts me!
What does it take to exhaust you?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I have a friend that I would never travel with again. Even if she offered to pay. She has to fill every silence with chatter and plan every moment. Um no it's my vacation too and I want to chill and be quiet sometimes!
I think the paper titles the article. The Washington post link has it as a second article, so no title.
Since the writer does not mention it being paid for, I figure the low cost is just sharing expenses.
Yes, the newspaper chooses the HEADLINE. Miss Manners is syndicated in many newspapers. I checked a few of them on line, and none of them has this thread title as the headline of this article.
Because each thread title on this board is created by the poster, in this case LGS. I think LGS's title of this thread is misleading. Nowhere in the letter does it say that the chatty friend paid for the LW's whole first vacation. Nor does the letter say anywhere that chatty friend will pay for the whole Jamaica vacation.
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No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you are,
She mentioned a later vacation, and I said I didn't want to go. She replied, "Good, because maybe you won't be invited."
Today I received a voicemail from her inviting me to go to Jamaica for a week at a low cost. I'd love to go, but just not with her. I also can't afford it, even at the low price.
I still am leaning toward the extrovert having a problem. She might not be able to handle traveling alone.
I just think it ridiculous to think you are going to get "alone" time in a room you are sharing. Gaga is right - she needed to take herself out for a walk or jog by herself, not expect the person sharing the room to disappear.
I agree. As a matter of fact when I go on my girl's w/e I plan on doing a lot of walking so no one exhausts me!
What does it take to exhaust you?
Intense on sided conversation and violation of personal space.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
The key to a vacation with friends, or anyone for that matter, is to be respectful of each other and nice to each other at all times and stay away from political discussions. No one felt they didn't have enough personal space on this past weekend.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
