TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Amy: Parents Don't Treat my Wife Well

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

The guy admits that his parents treat her horribly and he allowed it. When he finally called them on it, they said they didn't want to see them anymore and that lasted 3 years until HE reached out.

His parents suck. I wouldn't want to see them, either. And while HE can see them, they have no RIGHT to see my child, especially when they badmouth the mom in front of said child without care.

You leave your parents and join your life with your spouse. If those two are not compatible, it's a shame - but even he admits his parents are the problem.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

They are. But, at least he recognizes this and is aware. And, yet, he still wants to see them. Based on that, i could probably put up with them once in awhile just to please my husband.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

I cannot accept the fact that my parents are not welcome in my home when they did a wonderful job raising me.

If they had done such a wonderful job of raising him the situation would not have gone as far as it did. He should have shut down the disrespect immediately.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lawyerlady wrote:
The guy admits that his parents treat her horribly and he allowed it. When he finally called them on it, they said they didn't want to see them anymore and that lasted 3 years until HE reached out.

His parents suck. I wouldn't want to see them, either. And while HE can see them, they have no RIGHT to see my child, especially when they badmouth the mom in front of said child without care.

You leave your parents and join your life with your spouse. If those two are not compatible, it's a shame - but even he admits his parents are the problem.

And this is where divorced parents have it good. If anyone talks negatively about the other parent in front of the child it is considered violating that parent's parenting and that parent can demand that the person can not be around the child.

Those grandparents are toxic.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

This is horrible advice. Amy is an idiot.

What makes her think the grandparents won't continue to bad mouth the mother in front of the child?

This sounds an awful lot like my inlaws - except my DH told them if they didn't cut it out they would never see us again. And he stuck to it. We haven't seen my MIL in 12 years. We see my FIL, but it's very infrequent and it's around holidays, birthdays, etc. We limit our time.

These grandparents are terrible people. There is nothing that would keep me from my children and grandchildren. If I had to apologize for something I didn't do, I would, just to keep the peace. Being "right" isn't important. But we should expect the grandparents to make the concession not the parents. They should be cleaving to each other and creating a new family unit.

NAOW · Vette's SS

I wouldn't see you he parents again either. And they wouldn't see the kid since they like to bad mouth the parent in front of the kid.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
I cannot accept the fact that my parents are not welcome in my home when they did a wonderful job raising me.

If they had done such a wonderful job of raising him the situation would not have gone as far as it did. He should have shut down the disrespect immediately.

His whole letter is full of excuses for his parents. He's trying to change, but is not quite to the point of being able to cut them out of his life (which would be my advice, unless their behavior changes drastically).

flan

huskerbb · Guru

Well, his wife can't stop him from taking the children to see them.

But really what needs to happen here is that dear old dad (LW's dad) needs an ass beat.

At the end of they day, it's THEIR choice not to be involved in the lives of their child and his family. They may think the issue is "petty", but if that is the case, then apologizing for it shouldn't be that hard.

It's pretty much their loss.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

The LW needs to stand by his wife. Mom and dad are control freaks, why else would they go 3 years without seeing their son and his family. Good gosh they missed three whole years of their grandchildrens lives without batting an eye.
They wrote themselves out of their sons life, keep them out.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

just Czech wrote:
The LW needs to stand by his wife. Mom and dad are control freaks, why else would they go 3 years without seeing their son and his family. Good gosh they missed three whole years of their grandchildrens lives without batting an eye.
They wrote themselves out of their sons life, keep them out.

And the SON was the one who reached out, NOT the father.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

The first time the wife was dissed was when something should have been said.

But I'd like to hear of more examples of this bad mouthing.

Because the "mom doesn't attend ever game/event" would just get a big eyeroll from me.

I don't know.

Yes. He needs to stand with his family. That family is his wife and child.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
The first time the wife was dissed was when something should have been said.

But I'd like to hear of more examples of this bad mouthing.

Because the "mom doesn't attend ever game/event" would just get a big eyeroll from me.

I don't know.

Yes. He needs to stand with his family. That family is his wife and child.

That's true--but--it's snowballed way beyond that, now. Left to her own devices, maybe mom would apologize--but now that father has made this "stand", it makes it unlikely.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Well, his wife can't stop him from taking the children to see them.

But really what needs to happen here is that dear old dad (LW's dad) needs an ass beat.

At the end of they day, it's THEIR choice not to be involved in the lives of their child and his family. They may think the issue is "petty", but if that is the case, then apologizing for it shouldn't be that hard.

It's pretty much their loss.

Unless he wants to throw away his marriage, she certainly can.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Well, his wife can't stop him from taking the children to see them.

But really what needs to happen here is that dear old dad (LW's dad) needs an ass beat.

At the end of they day, it's THEIR choice not to be involved in the lives of their child and his family. They may think the issue is "petty", but if that is the case, then apologizing for it shouldn't be that hard.

It's pretty much their loss.
Unless he wants to throw away his marriage, she certainly can.

That decision would be on her as much as him--but, if the marriage ends, he would probably get at least 50% custody, so then he would still be able to take the kids to see his family.

Again, punitive punishment is not some sort of "solution" to any problem in a marriage.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Well, his wife can't stop him from taking the children to see them.

But really what needs to happen here is that dear old dad (LW's dad) needs an ass beat.

At the end of they day, it's THEIR choice not to be involved in the lives of their child and his family. They may think the issue is "petty", but if that is the case, then apologizing for it shouldn't be that hard.

It's pretty much their loss.
Unless he wants to throw away his marriage, she certainly can.
That decision would be on her as much as him--but, if the marriage ends, he would probably get at least 50% custody, so then he would still be able to take the kids to see his family.
Again, punitive punishment is not some sort of "solution" to any problem in a marriage.

No. A husband who allows his family to treat his wife like crap and do it in front of their child is the ONLY one at fault if he loses his wife over it. Are abused wives who leave their husbands just as much to blame, Husker? No one should have to put up with being treated like crap.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Well, his wife can't stop him from taking the children to see them.

But really what needs to happen here is that dear old dad (LW's dad) needs an ass beat.

At the end of they day, it's THEIR choice not to be involved in the lives of their child and his family. They may think the issue is "petty", but if that is the case, then apologizing for it shouldn't be that hard.

It's pretty much their loss.
Unless he wants to throw away his marriage, she certainly can.
That decision would be on her as much as him--but, if the marriage ends, he would probably get at least 50% custody, so then he would still be able to take the kids to see his family.
Again, punitive punishment is not some sort of "solution" to any problem in a marriage.
No. A husband who allows his family to treat his wife like crap and do it in front of their child is the ONLY one at fault if he loses his wife over it. Are abused wives who leave their husbands just as much to blame, Husker? No one should have to put up with being treated like crap.

She doesn't have to put up with it. There has been a three year rift, so she has not been forced to put up with it.

Again, where do you come up with your nonsense????

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Was it really "in front of the child"?

It seems the child over heard a message on the phone.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Well, his wife can't stop him from taking the children to see them.

But really what needs to happen here is that dear old dad (LW's dad) needs an ass beat.

At the end of they day, it's THEIR choice not to be involved in the lives of their child and his family. They may think the issue is "petty", but if that is the case, then apologizing for it shouldn't be that hard.

It's pretty much their loss.
Unless he wants to throw away his marriage, she certainly can.
That decision would be on her as much as him--but, if the marriage ends, he would probably get at least 50% custody, so then he would still be able to take the kids to see his family.
Again, punitive punishment is not some sort of "solution" to any problem in a marriage.
No. A husband who allows his family to treat his wife like crap and do it in front of their child is the ONLY one at fault if he loses his wife over it. Are abused wives who leave their husbands just as much to blame, Husker? No one should have to put up with being treated like crap.
She doesn't have to put up with it. There has been a three year rift, so she has not been forced to put up with it.

Again, where do you come up with your nonsense????

You do just come to talk to the women here like this because you can't talk to your wife this way? I will no longer respond to any of your stupid ass comments with "babbling", "nonsense" or other such comments. Learn to have a civil conversation or I won't have them with you anymore. I prefer to converse with grown-ups.

FNW · Guru

Sounds like my in-law situation.

It's sad, really. I watched children receive their First Communion last night, with large families present. It made me sad that the only family watching my boys next week will be my parents. #2 asked if anyone else was coming. He asked if GJ & GD (in-laws) were coming. I said I didn't think so. It breaks my heart that the boys don't know their father's side. (I asked if they wanted them, but he said if they bring presents ) But realistically, it's better they don't. Better for them, and better for us. But I still can't help but feel sad.

Things could be so much different if they would have just been nice.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

FNW wrote:
Sounds like my in-law situation.

It's sad, really. I watched children receive their First Communion last night, with large families present. It made me sad that the only family watching my boys next week will be my parents. #2 asked if anyone else was coming. He asked if GJ & GD (in-laws) were coming. I said I didn't think so. It breaks my heart that the boys don't know their father's side. (I asked if they wanted them, but he said if they bring presents ) But realistically, it's better they don't. Better for them, and better for us. But I still can't help but feel sad.

Things could be so much different if they would have just been nice.

It is so very sad when little ones notice the lack of family at one of their big milestones. Heartbreaking.

FNW · Guru

I'm not sure what would be worse. Having the in-laws there and have them be rude to the boys, or their absence and them wondering why.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Was it really "in front of the child"?

It seems the child over heard a message on the phone.

Yeah, I don't see where that is the case, either.

But, either way, he's in a pickle now. I'm not sure there is a solution that will get him what he wants. He can't force his parents to apologize--and he can't force his wife to move on without one.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

FNW wrote:
I'm not sure what would be worse. Having the in-laws there and have them be rude to the boys, or their absence and them wondering why.

Oh I am sure their presence would be worse, but kids have a greener pasture ideal in their innocent heads so it is sad for them.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

If the parents were stubborn enough to let it fester for 3 yrs, I doubt anything will change. He can go demand an apology but most likely they won't believe they did anything wrong. You can decide to cut people off completely or to take people for who they are in limited doses with your boundaries erected. Yes, we may meet up for dinner, however, if you turn ugly towards my wife, then we will walk out, or whatever. Give them that message. They will either get it or not. If not, then they never will. And, maybe the best they can do is mail some gifts to the kids and that is the extent of the relationship.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

FNW wrote:
I'm not sure what would be worse. Having the in-laws there and have them be rude to the boys, or their absence and them wondering why.

Having them there and be nasty would be worse.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
If the parents were stubborn enough to let it fester for 3 yrs, I doubt anything will change. He can go demand an apology but most likely they won't believe they did anything wrong. You can decide to cut people off completely or to take people for who they are in limited doses with your boundaries erected. Yes, we may meet up for dinner, however, if you turn ugly towards my wife, then we will walk out, or whatever. Give them that message. They will either get it or not. If not, then they never will. And, maybe the best they can do is mail some gifts to the kids and that is the extent of the relationship.

I don't think so, either. I'm not sure if I'd extend the olive branch, or not. He did it once and nothing changed. It may be time to just accept that and move on. Missing time with their grandchildren is their loss.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
FNW wrote:
I'm not sure what would be worse. Having the in-laws there and have them be rude to the boys, or their absence and them wondering why.
Having them there and be nasty would be worse.

I had to make that choice for my boys. That was my decision as well.

My MIL1 would have trashed their dead father in front of them. By then, I knew that was the reality of the woman I was dealing with.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
FNW wrote:
I'm not sure what would be worse. Having the in-laws there and have them be rude to the boys, or their absence and them wondering why.
Having them there and be nasty would be worse.
I had to make that choice for my boys. That was my decision as well.
My MIL1 would have trashed their dead father in front of them. By then, I knew that was the reality of the woman I was dealing with.
flan

Their own son???

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
FNW wrote:
I'm not sure what would be worse. Having the in-laws there and have them be rude to the boys, or their absence and them wondering why.
Having them there and be nasty would be worse.
I had to make that choice for my boys. That was my decision as well.
My MIL1 would have trashed their dead father in front of them. By then, I knew that was the reality of the woman I was dealing with.
flan
Their own son???

Yup.

DH1 had one younger brother, who could do nothing wrong.

MIL started in on DH1 about a month after he died (talking to me on the phone) & I had to ask her to stop.

She was a piece of work.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

wow.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

You do not have to accept toxic behavior just because people are "family". Family is the people you choose to be with and who love you and cherish you -not people who happen to share DNA by an accident of birth. There are people blessed to have wonderful families that do not understand this - and I'm happy for them. But what is right for them is not always right for others.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
wow.

I had never met anyone like her. It never ceases to amaze me that DH was such a kind, caring person. And he tried SO hard to please her, but never could.

flan

FNW · Guru

I'm amazed my DH is so kind and caring, too. And he tried hard to please him, too, but it was never enough.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

You cant make anyone do something they dont want to do. Parents dont want to apologize, husband doesnt want to stop hanging with parents. On the OTHER hand, as a parent it is your duty to ensure poor behavior does not influence your offspring. Hubby can go see the toxic relatives, but she is perfectly in her right to say neither she or the children will be included in the trips.

huskerbb · Guru

Cheerios4606 wrote:
You cant make anyone do something they dont want to do. Parents dont want to apologize, husband doesnt want to stop hanging with parents. On the OTHER hand, as a parent it is your duty to ensure poor behavior does not influence your offspring. Hubby can go see the toxic relatives, but she is perfectly in her right to say neither she or the children will be included in the trips.

She can say it--but she can't stop him if he wants to take them.

We also don't have any information that they treat the children badly.

FNW · Guru

During my last encounter with the in-laws, they placed us at a table with their friends who proceeded to insult women having children over 38 and attorneys. In front of my boys. While I don't know/care whether they were baited by the in-laws (sMIL was whispering with them beforehand), it was obvious #1 was bothered by the fact his mother was being insulted. Intentionally or not.

Insulting a child's parent in front of the child indirectly treats the child bad, IMO. Kind of like calling someone a son of a b***h used to be years ago, or telling a child their mother is a whore.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
You cant make anyone do something they dont want to do. Parents dont want to apologize, husband doesnt want to stop hanging with parents. On the OTHER hand, as a parent it is your duty to ensure poor behavior does not influence your offspring. Hubby can go see the toxic relatives, but she is perfectly in her right to say neither she or the children will be included in the trips.
She can say it--but she can't stop him if he wants to take them.
We also don't have any information that they treat the children badly.

And then he'd be choosing his parents over his wife when they are the ones in the wrong.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
You cant make anyone do something they dont want to do. Parents dont want to apologize, husband doesnt want to stop hanging with parents. On the OTHER hand, as a parent it is your duty to ensure poor behavior does not influence your offspring. Hubby can go see the toxic relatives, but she is perfectly in her right to say neither she or the children will be included in the trips.
She can say it--but she can't stop him if he wants to take them.
We also don't have any information that they treat the children badly.
And then he'd be choosing his parents over his wife when they are the ones in the wrong.

Yes, he would be--but that's a different thing than saying they would treat the children badly. if the marriage ends, she will have no control over how much time they spend with her ex in-laws when he has custody/visitation.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
You cant make anyone do something they dont want to do. Parents dont want to apologize, husband doesnt want to stop hanging with parents. On the OTHER hand, as a parent it is your duty to ensure poor behavior does not influence your offspring. Hubby can go see the toxic relatives, but she is perfectly in her right to say neither she or the children will be included in the trips.
She can say it--but she can't stop him if he wants to take them.
We also don't have any information that they treat the children badly.

Oh yes she can. It is called standing in front of the car and not letting him take the kids to see toxic badmouthing grandma. And if he chooses to do it behind her back, now we are talking about a marriage is on the outs.

And no, there is no information that they treat the children badly, but trust me if they are treating mom poorly, they are doing it in front of the kids. I speak from experience. My grandmother treated my mom poorly, in front of me the child. If grandma has no restraint to speak poorly of wife to her face and to strangers, you HONESTLY think she is going to hold her tongue in front of the kids?

huskerbb · Guru

Cheerios4606 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
You cant make anyone do something they dont want to do. Parents dont want to apologize, husband doesnt want to stop hanging with parents. On the OTHER hand, as a parent it is your duty to ensure poor behavior does not influence your offspring. Hubby can go see the toxic relatives, but she is perfectly in her right to say neither she or the children will be included in the trips.
She can say it--but she can't stop him if he wants to take them.
We also don't have any information that they treat the children badly.
Oh yes she can. It is called standing in front of the car and not letting him take the kids to see toxic badmouthing grandma. And if he chooses to do it behind her back, now we are talking about a marriage is on the outs.
And no, there is no information that they treat the children badly, but trust me if they are treating mom poorly, they are doing it in front of the kids. I speak from experience. My grandmother treated my mom poorly, in front of me the child. If grandma has no restraint to speak poorly of wife to her face and to strangers, you HONESTLY think she is going to hold her tongue in front of the kids?

No, she can't. If she chooses to do that, the marriage is on the outs as much based on that as anything else--and then she loses any possibility of preventing it.

huskerbb · Guru

Plus, stuff like that could get you locked in the looney bin for a few days.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Actually she'd have MORE power over this if she divorced him. Ask IKWTDS. It's called parental alienation. If someone bad mouths you in front of your child when they are with the other parent you can have the judge order the other parent not to take the kids around them.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Actually she'd have MORE power over this if she divorced him. Ask IKWTDS. It's called parental alienation. If someone bad mouths you in front of your child when they are with the other parent you can have the judge order the other parent not to take the kids around them.

That isn't what happened here.

huskerbb · Guru

It's also BS. I've rarely heard ex in laws say a good word about their son or daughters ex--and they still have custody and/or visitation. It's a pretty high standard that is rarely used.

Tinydancer · Guru

How would she end up in the looney bin? Even if he calls the cops she tells them they had a fight and he's taking the children away. Besides the fact that calling the cops is a very bad idea unless she does something more malicious than standing in front of the car he will probably be the one they'd be worrying about.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
How would she end up in the looney bin? Even if he calls the cops she tells them they had a fight and he's taking the children away. Besides the fact that calling the cops is a very bad idea unless she does something more malicious than standing in front of the car he will probably be the one they'd be worrying about.

Trying to hurt herself or someone else.

Tinydancer · Guru

The only way she could be hurt by standing in front of the car is if the husband is stupid enough to push it so far. Standing in your own driveway is not against the law.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Actually she'd have MORE power over this if she divorced him. Ask IKWTDS. It's called parental alienation. If someone bad mouths you in front of your child when they are with the other parent you can have the judge order the other parent not to take the kids around them.
That isn't what happened here.

But it's what COULD happen if he throws his marriage away for his parents who treat his wife like crap.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Plus, stuff like that could get you locked in the looney bin for a few days.

Or the husband arrested for hitting her with the car.