TOTALLY GEEKED!

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

RE: Dear Amy: Parents Don't Treat my Wife Well

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

I can't believe anyone can argue FOR the grandparents. Hey, they happily abandoned their grandchildren for THREE years. If sonny hasn't seen the light by now, he doesn't want to. What an arse.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

just Czech wrote:
I can't believe anyone can argue FOR the grandparents. Hey, they happily abandoned their grandchildren for THREE years. If sonny hasn't seen the light by now, he doesn't want to. What an arse.

I don't know. Most people want to believe that their parents want to be parents and grandparents. That is a very hard thing to give up and realize in life. I have seen people in these situations but they still hope against hope that a lightbulb will click on in those relatives, but it never does. You can't really blame him for wanting that. However, he should stand up for his wife and family.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I can't believe anyone can argue FOR the grandparents. Hey, they happily abandoned their grandchildren for THREE years. If sonny hasn't seen the light by now, he doesn't want to. What an arse.

I don't know. Most people want to believe that their parents want to be parents and grandparents. That is a very hard thing to give up and realize in life. I have seen people in these situations but they still hope against hope that a lightbulb will click on in those relatives, but it never does. You can't really blame him for wanting that. However, he should stand up for his wife and family.

Oh, I agree. We do hold out hope for a peaceful reunification, but if you have held out the olive branch and got it slapped out of your hand, you have your answer.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I can't believe anyone can argue FOR the grandparents. Hey, they happily abandoned their grandchildren for THREE years. If sonny hasn't seen the light by now, he doesn't want to. What an arse.

I don't know. Most people want to believe that their parents want to be parents and grandparents. That is a very hard thing to give up and realize in life. I have seen people in these situations but they still hope against hope that a lightbulb will click on in those relatives, but it never does. You can't really blame him for wanting that. However, he should stand up for his wife and family.

I think that ship has sailed here. I would have kicked dads ass a long time ago.

FNW · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I can't believe anyone can argue FOR the grandparents. Hey, they happily abandoned their grandchildren for THREE years. If sonny hasn't seen the light by now, he doesn't want to. What an arse.

I don't know. Most people want to believe that their parents want to be parents and grandparents. That is a very hard thing to give up and realize in life. I have seen people in these situations but they still hope against hope that a lightbulb will click on in those relatives, but it never does. You can't really blame him for wanting that. However, he should stand up for his wife and family.

I agree. Even I hold out hope that the in-laws would see the error of their ways, apologize, and change. But after 2 years, it hasn't happened.

I hold out hope because my grandmother changed. She was rude to my mother. When she picked apart my school picture, all hell broke loose and both my parents jumped down her throat. It resulted in cutting her out of our lives for a bit. No one remembers how long, maybe 6 months, maybe a year. But one day she called, apologized, said she wanted nothing more than to be in our lives, and was a sweetheart until her dying day, 30 or so years later. We had a wonderful relationship, and I miss her dearly. I also spent alone time with her as an adult, and I could see that when she picked apart my photo it wasn't her intent to be mean, she was merely looking for features in my face that resembled the families. But because she had a history of being mean to my mother, it was taken the wrong way and the explosion ensued. An explosion which, IMO, was necessary. We used to laugh because when she was in the hospital, she would introduce my mother first to the nurses before my father, her own son.

It was a good 10 years before my grandmother warmed up to my mother. But I think my mother's situation is few and far between. In my situation, the opposite occurred. My in-laws were very kind to me until I had children. So it was and still is very hurtful to be treated like a pariah when all I did was give them grandchildren.

Lindley · Guru

FNW, I don't know the story but it is your in-laws loss for the way they treated you and your boys.

Mary Zombie · Guru

The fact that the grandparents seemingly didn't care at all for 3 years should be the husbands clue here. If that were not the case I could se his point but since it's how it is I Would consider him stupid to alienate the person he sleeps with as opposed to the sh.itty grandparents. Sadly I see so many men willing to do that.
My parents and my brother's wife it's didn't get along. She wasn't always an angel but my brother didn't stand for the talking smack and disrespecting her. My parents blamed her for him staying away but she never made him do anything. He couldn't stand them because of their superior attitude. He is an awesome husband and father. 😀

Edited for scary auto correct!

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Tuesday 12th of April 2016 10:57:29 AM

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Tuesday 12th of April 2016 01:07:52 PM

chef · Guru

Sounds like my in laws. My FIL is toxic. He will say incredibly rude stuff just to try and get a rise out of me. I try my utmost to not give him that pleasure. He has no respect for our family either and thinks we're at his beck and call. He is wrong. He made an earnest effort to guilt me into cancelling our vacation because we weren't bringing DS. He failed. I refuse to feel guilt over taking an adults-only vacation with my husband. Thankfully, DH doesn't like FIL either and stands up to him. DH has already said that if his mom dies first, he may never see his dad again. MIL is a sweetheart.

The LW needs to wake up here. His parents owe his wife an apology. However, that apology needs to come in the form of actions. They need to show her that their behavior has changed. Personally, I would only forbid them from seeing the kids if they make rude remarks in front of the kids. Also, the kids should be given permission to tell their grandparents that they will not tolerate them badmouthing their mom if the grandparents start in on the badmouthing.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I can't believe anyone can argue FOR the grandparents. Hey, they happily abandoned their grandchildren for THREE years. If sonny hasn't seen the light by now, he doesn't want to. What an arse.

I don't know. Most people want to believe that their parents want to be parents and grandparents. That is a very hard thing to give up and realize in life. I have seen people in these situations but they still hope against hope that a lightbulb will click on in those relatives, but it never does. You can't really blame him for wanting that. However, he should stand up for his wife and family.

You summed it up well LGS. I think this is an innate feeling in all of us. Look at all the people who search for long lost parents. We, general we, all want to know our parents and have them look at us and say, "I'm proud of you." It's a feeling that is so hard wired in people that they'll put up with indescribable things just to get that feeling.

huskerbb · Guru

Unfortunately, it is often one person who is the main cause, so even if the other would make amends, they can't. In this case, mom might be a clueless dolt--but she might apologize for her slight--but dad is digging in his heels and won't let her.

chef · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I can't believe anyone can argue FOR the grandparents. Hey, they happily abandoned their grandchildren for THREE years. If sonny hasn't seen the light by now, he doesn't want to. What an arse.

I don't know. Most people want to believe that their parents want to be parents and grandparents. That is a very hard thing to give up and realize in life. I have seen people in these situations but they still hope against hope that a lightbulb will click on in those relatives, but it never does. You can't really blame him for wanting that. However, he should stand up for his wife and family.
You summed it up well LGS. I think this is an innate feeling in all of us. Look at all the people who search for long lost parents. We, general we, all want to know our parents and have them look at us and say, "I'm proud of you." It's a feeling that is so hard wired in people that they'll put up with indescribable things just to get that feeling.

I see this in DH. He wants his father's approval. He'll never get it. His brother is the golden child. It would not matter if DH got a super high-paying job in position of power, he still wouldn't be good enough. But, above that, his father is incapable of actually loving someone. FIL actually prevented MIL from being able to say a final goodbye to her dying mother. DH knows that and still thinks that somehow, some way he will get his father's approval. He won't.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I can't believe anyone can argue FOR the grandparents. Hey, they happily abandoned their grandchildren for THREE years. If sonny hasn't seen the light by now, he doesn't want to. What an arse.

I don't know. Most people want to believe that their parents want to be parents and grandparents. That is a very hard thing to give up and realize in life. I have seen people in these situations but they still hope against hope that a lightbulb will click on in those relatives, but it never does. You can't really blame him for wanting that. However, he should stand up for his wife and family.
I think that ship has sailed here. I would have kicked dads ass a long time ago.

The reality is that he cares more than they do and that is a tough position to be in. He wants them to care but they dont and most likely never will. DH was hopeful when we had kids that his parents would be more involved but that never happened. They weren't that involved with DH and his sibs so why would they all of the sudden care about grandchildren? Some people just don't care. And, that is sad but it is what it is. DH's sister bellyaches about wanting a close family but she does everything possible to push people away. We are all just tired of her behavior now. She could have a close relationship with all of us if she would only give a little bit on her end. She thinks she is doing all the giving , when in reality, she only wants everything exactly on her terms or it isn't good enough for her.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Actually she'd have MORE power over this if she divorced him. Ask IKWTDS. It's called parental alienation. If someone bad mouths you in front of your child when they are with the other parent you can have the judge order the other parent not to take the kids around them.
That isn't what happened here.
But it's what COULD happen if he throws his marriage away for his parents who treat his wife like crap.
Thank you. Yes it COULD happen. But just because it doesn't happen in huskers world it never happens. I refuse to argue with people who don't understand this principle.

But you preach the one in 1,000 chance as if it is some inevitability. It's not.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

1 in 1000 chance? Marriages end all the time for less.

huskerbb · Guru

I never said the marriage wouldn't end. I think it will.