DEAR ABBY: I work and live in an ethnically and religiously diverse community. There is also a welcoming and open LGBT community here.
While I was having lunch with a new employee, she mentioned that she was married. My first thought was that she was married to a woman, but later it sounded like her spouse was male. I didn't want to be rude so I kept my mouth shut. Is it ever OK to ask the gender of someone's spouse? -- POLITE BUT CONFUSED IN OREGON
DEAR POLITE: I don't think so. It would be more tactful to ask the person her spouse's name. However, if the name is gender-neutral, then you should wait till you know the woman better for the answer. Time will tell, even if your co-worker doesn't.
Why does she care? Why is this any of her business?
Yes. She knows her coworker is married. That's plenty of information. Why worry about anything else?
Wow. it's not about "not their business". It's silly to have a relationship with someone and not even know the gender of their spouse. Good grief. You work with the person everyday.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Just politely ask the name, and say "And what does Erin do?" The reply will probaly involve a pronoun.
The problem with that is that "What is your spouse's name?" sounds funny saying out loud. People don't use the word "spouse" much in everyday conversation, and you can't use a pronoun, yet if you don't know!
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
You can and it is proper to use the masculine pronouns until given the correct information.
"Oh, you're married, what does he do?"
That's proper etiquette.
And it isn't anything else, so don't anyone get your panties in a wad.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
You can and it is proper to use the masculine pronouns until given the correct information.
"Oh, you're married, what does he do?"
That's proper etiquette.
And it isn't anything else, so don't anyone get your panties in a wad.
LOL! Yeah, say that to a straight guy, and be all shocked when he gets offended!
Well no, the OP is talking about a female coworker.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Besides, to assume the spouse is of the opposite sex is actually the default.
Perhaps the question could be "you're married, how long have you been married? what's their name?"
Then it isn't just about gender.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Yes, you did, it's a she. But, your comment seemed to be stating generally.
Well, in general, it is proper etiquette.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
It used to be that "he" or "his", etc. was the proper use of a pronoun when the gender was unknown. Then feminists insisted on changing it to "she" or "her". Now I understand gender neutral misuse of plural pronouns "they" "their" as the proper use when gender is unknown, particularly when the subject doesn't know what its own gender is.
