Dear Amy: I am 43 years old and was adopted at birth. I had the usual curiosities about my biological parents growing up, but have wonderful parents and siblings and never went looking for my biological parents.
I was given my adoption file by an acquaintance who worked in the law office that handled my adoption. I wouldn't have opened it, but when she gave it to me, she felt the need to tell me everything it contained and also that she had found my biological mother and knew where she lived. I ended up looking at the file and finding her on Facebook. I found out that she has a daughter.
My problem is that, although I never intended on finding her, I now know some information and am increasingly curious about finding more answers. I am really interested in knowing who my biological father is (he is not mentioned in the adoption file) before it is too late to get this information. Would it be wrong to send her a message asking who he is? I really don't want a relationship with her or him. I have an amazing family, and as far as I know she hasn't ever looked for me. I don't want to cause undue pain to her, but I feel as if I have a right to know my parentage.
— Curious about my DNA
Dear Curious: I am floored by the choice of your acquaintance to (possibly) violate state statutes, her law firm's policies and your own privacy (and wishes) in order to hand you this file and then verbally tell you what is in it before you had made your own choice about how to handle it. Add to that her additional choice to locate your mother. Are you OK with this? And if not, I hope you will express this to her — and never divulge anything personal to her in the future.
It is relatively easy to gain extremely detailed information about your parentage and DNA without pursuing a relationship with your biological mother. Companies like 23andme.com and Ancestry.com will provide a shockingly precise account of your ancestry and genetic makeup for a relatively modest fee. This might be the best way for you to pursue the information you crave.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
This woman needs to talk to her parents before she does anything else. She needs their wisdom, guidance and support.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Yes, other people shouldnt be snooping around in other people's lives. But, she's 43. What would be so terrible about learning who your birth mother and father is? What would be so terrible about possibly finding some sibs and other extended family? You don't disown your adoptive parents to want to learn that information.
Yes, other people shouldnt be snooping around in other people's lives. But, she's 43. What would be so terrible about learning who your birth mother and father is? What would be so terrible about possibly finding some sibs and other extended family? You don't disown your adoptive parents to want to learn that information.
But that's HER choice. No one else should decide that for her.
I wonder why the relative felt it was her place to do this?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
How horrible of that busy body nosy acquaintance. I want to know how, after all these years, she just happens to know someone who worked in the law office that handled her adoption 43 years ago. Was this law office employee stalking this woman all her life? Was the adoption handled by a family friend of the adopted family?
So many questions.
At any rate, you can't unring the bell. Curiosity is getting the better of her. She might be best remembering what it did to the cat.
Personally, I had an uncle who got a girl in trouble in the 1960's. He married her, and shortly after the girl was born, his wife left him. They struck a deal....she would not ask for support if he agreed to not be a part of the daughter's life. One day this daughter, who just happened to have the same name as me (different middle names), showed up at my office. Under the premise of "I got a piece of mail of yours by accident", she commented on the coincidence,two people with the same name who worked down the street from each other. I was speechless and watched as my cousin left the office and what I thought at the time, out of my life. I told my uncle I had met her, and his eyes filled with tears.
My uncle passed many years ago. A year or two ago I found this girl on FB, and reached out to her. It turns out that when she waltzed into my office 25 years ago, she was fully aware that I was her cousin.
We are FB friends and share childhood photographs and stories. She had a happy childhood with many cousins and subsequent siblings. She has two children of her own and a wonderful husband of 20 some years. Reaching out to her was a good thing. Still, there are things she is not aware, such as the true paternity of her brother, which is better off left unsaid.
How horrible of that busy body nosy acquaintance. I want to know how, after all these years, she just happens to know someone who worked in the law office that handled her adoption 43 years ago. Was this law office employee stalking this woman all her life? Was the adoption handled by a family friend of the adopted family?
So many questions.
At any rate, you can't unring the bell. Curiosity is getting the better of her. She might be best remembering what it did to the cat.
Personally, I had an uncle who got a girl in trouble in the 1960's. He married her, and shortly after the girl was born, his wife left him. They struck a deal....she would not ask for support if he agreed to not be a part of the daughter's life. One day this daughter, who just happened to have the same name as me (different middle names), showed up at my office. Under the premise of "I got a piece of mail of yours by accident", she commented on the coincidence,two people with the same name who worked down the street from each other. I was speechless and watched as my cousin left the office and what I thought at the time, out of my life. I told my uncle I had met her, and his eyes filled with tears.
My uncle passed many years ago. A year or two ago I found this girl on FB, and reached out to her. It turns out that when she waltzed into my office 25 years ago, she was fully aware that I was her cousin.
We are FB friends and share childhood photographs and stories. She had a happy childhood with many cousins and subsequent siblings. She has two children of her own and a wonderful husband of 20 some years. Reaching out to her was a good thing. Still, there are things she is not aware, such as the true paternity of her brother, which is better off left unsaid.
WOW what a touching story. I wish your uncle could have met her.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I wonder why the relative felt it was her place to do this?
It's not a relative, it's an acquaintance.
flan
Same question.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
First of all, what a stupid choice to make for someone else. Did the birth mother seal the files? If she sealed them, leave her alone please.
I agree, the cat is out of the bag and she probably won't be able to let this go. She needs to contact an independent agency and let them make discrete inquiries and then live with birth mothers decision if her answer is no.
I'm banging my head over this stupid woman's interference and I hope she loses her job. Wow, just wow.
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I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
And, really, what other choice is there but deal with it?
The LW is trying to figure out HOW to deal with it.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
