TOTALLY GEEKED!

She's wormfood.

Talking to ANY child about death is hard, BUT it's the cycle of life. I never told my boys "Daddy is in Heaven."

flan

Letter:

Hi, Carolyn: I have a 2½-year-old son. Sadly, my mom died from cancer when he was 10 months old. He is now at an age where his language has developed quite well, and he loves looking through photos with my wife and me. I sort of avoid showing him pictures of my mom because I don’t know what to say.

I know he can’t really comprehend death at his age. Part of the problem is my wife and I are atheists so we can’t simply say that Grandma is in heaven now. I feel terrible avoiding those photos because my mom and I were very close and she was a wonderful person. For the short time she was in my son’s life she loved him and showered him with affection even though he was too young to remember it.

What can I say to him about her? When he does come across her and asks who it is, I say it was his grandma and my mommy, but then I flip to the next photo very quickly.

Do you have any advice on how to even attempt to explain this to a child this young? My sister also has a child about his age, but she is religious so she simply tells her that Grandma is in heaven.

Michigan

Michigan: The heaven answer makes it easier on your sister but leaves a lot to explain to a kid — arguably more than your worldview requires.

And, just because a toddler can’t fully comprehend doesn’t mean you avoid topics completely. It just means you can’t treat the discussion of a tough concept as a complete transaction — where, say, you define death for him and check that box for good. Instead, you treat it as one of many steps toward understanding over days, months, years.

That process does include limiting his exposure to painful concepts and speaking of them only in child-friendly terms, but these are actually later steps that follow a vastly more significant first step: establishing trust. You need to show your son he can talk to you about anything, no matter how difficult and no matter how much you actually know.

That trust begins with choosing not to run (or flip) away from hard topics.

Let him see his grandma. Let him hear how much you loved and miss her. Let him ask his questions. (“Lifetimes” by Bryan Mellonie can help.)

The more calmly you handle hard topics, the less fearfully your son will ask about them, which is exactly how you make yourself the person he learns from instead of turning to his peers, the media or his own imagination — which, if you recall from your own childhood, is often more terrifying than anything a parent can say.

Opening yourself to any and all topics means you’re going to feel awkward, and you’ll get caught without answers sometimes. That’s fine. Just have a phrase ready: “I need to think about that.” Do go back to it when you’re ready, though. Using “later” as a dodge undermines trust.

When you just don’t know something, say that, too. Then say you’ll look it up, if it’s knowable. If it’s not — as some questions about death tend to be — have phrasing ready that accounts for different views: “Some people believe ______. Others believe ______.”

Avoiding these discussions altogether may seem like the best way to protect kids, but consider: Death, cancer and sadness don’t wait behind a velvet rope until kids are old enough to handle them. They happen when they happen. If you resolve to be your son’s guide through life’s painful moments vs. his sentry attempting to bar the door, then you’ll teach him how to face pain, how to give and receive support, and how to keep living and finding joy. You’ll empower him, over time, to do these on his own.

Dodging Grandma, by contrast, creates the impression that death is a shadowy thing too terrible to mention. Waiting till you think the time is right — when will that be, by the way, and how will you frame the announcement? — effectively strands him without such a guide as he collects little scraps of the truth whether you intend him to or not.

So take that trust-building step. “She’s your grandma. She died when you were 10 months old. She loved you sooooooo much.”

Then let your son’s curiosity, comprehension and language skills tell you how much more information he’s ready to receive; that’s the essence of the follow-up steps. He asks a question; you give as basic and kid-phrased an answer as you can while still being factually correct, like, “She died when you were 10 months old,” above. Then you see whether he asks a follow-up question. That will be his way of showing you what he is and isn’t ready to comprehend. When he does ask, give another factual, spare, kid-size answer. Then wait. And so on.

Best part: In explaining loss, you’re teaching him about love.

I tell the boys that so and so is dead. They usually want to know how they died, and I'll tell them. Honestly. They ask if they are in heaven. I say I sure hope so. I tell them it's very sad for us to no longer be able to see and talk to her. I tell them I miss them and think of them every day. I show pictures, and share stories of them. I tell them sometimes I dream about them and those are the best dreams. I tell them that while they are not here with us, they remain in my heart and thoughts.

I think at age 2, she's making far too much of this. Death is a part of life. And it has nothing to do with beliefs.

I remember my mother telling me to NOT tell them they got sick and died, for fear that every time they or someone got sick, they'd be scared we'd/they'd die. I think I told them they got very very old and their bodies stopped working or something like that. It wasn't really a big deal. And rather than tell them that their grandma died, we told them Daddy's mother died and Daddy and I are very sad. We also took them (when she finally allowed it) to see her in the hospital when she was pretty bad.

flan327 wrote:

---

In the first place, a toddler cannot comprehend the concept of "Heaven."

Go to your library. There are books on explaining death to young children!!!

flan

---

Of course they can!   And I don't need to go to the library, I have the ultimate reading authority on this topic, the Bible.

That poor kid...

flan327 wrote:

---

Ohfour wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

In the first place, a toddler cannot comprehend the concept of "Heaven."

Go to your library. There are books on explaining death to young children!!!

flan

---

Of course they can!   And I don't need to go to the library, I have the ultimate reading authority on this topic, the Bible.

That poor kid...

---

 No, they can't. They can comprehend CONCRETE objects in THEIR world. So read a toddler a few verses, and let me know how that goes...

And I don't care if you ever use the library or not.

flan

---

Maybe not your kids, but mine did.  We talked about heaven often.  From the moment my two year old asked "who is that?" while pointing to a picture of my father.  She had already been in Sunday School, so she knew what heaven was.  I just elaborated... 

I don't think mine really comprehended heaven until they started Sunday School, which was in Kindergarten. We read them the Children's Bible, and they were taught about heaven, etc., but I'm not sure they really grasped the concept until they were older. When they were younger, they just wanted to know where heaven was.

FNW wrote:

---

I don't think mine really comprehended heaven until they started Sunday School, which was in Kindergarten. We read them the Children's Bible, and they were taught about heaven, etc., but I'm not sure they really grasped the concept until they were older. When they were younger, they just wanted to know where heaven was.

---

 Children's minds have not developed abstract thinking as toddlers.

flan

 

Ohfour wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Ohfour wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

In the first place, a toddler cannot comprehend the concept of "Heaven."

Go to your library. There are books on explaining death to young children!!!

flan

---

Of course they can!   And I don't need to go to the library, I have the ultimate reading authority on this topic, the Bible.

That poor kid...

---

 No, they can't. They can comprehend CONCRETE objects in THEIR world. So read a toddler a few verses, and let me know how that goes...

And I don't care if you ever use the library or not.

flan

---

Maybe not your kids, but mine did.  We talked about heaven often.  From the moment my two year old asked "who is that?" while pointing to a picture of my father.  She had already been in Sunday School, so she knew what heaven was.  I just elaborated... 

---

 You can make any claims you want.

flan

flan327 wrote:

---

huskerbb wrote:

---

They don't have to comprehend heaven. Just saying that is where so and so is--is enough for now.

---

 You know how toddlers are...Then come the questions..."Why can't I visit? When will Grandma come back?"

flan

---

 I like the answers I would give a lot better than the ones this mother will--and she even knows it.

I think dodging the subject was not a good thing to do.

flan327 wrote:

---

huskerbb wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

huskerbb wrote:

---

They don't have to comprehend heaven. Just saying that is where so and so is--is enough for now.

---

 You know how toddlers are...Then come the questions..."Why can't I visit? When will Grandma come back?"

flan

---

 I like the answers I would give a lot better than the ones this mother will--and she even knows it.

---

 Even those who believe in God are often uncomfortable talking to children about death.

flan

---

mmmmhmmmm... 

flan327 wrote:

---

huskerbb wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

huskerbb wrote:

---

They don't have to comprehend heaven. Just saying that is where so and so is--is enough for now.

---

 You know how toddlers are...Then come the questions..."Why can't I visit? When will Grandma come back?"

flan

---

 I like the answers I would give a lot better than the ones this mother will--and she even knows it.

---

 Even those who believe in God are often uncomfortable talking to children about death.

flan

---

 How do you know?

huskerbb wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

huskerbb wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

huskerbb wrote:

---

They don't have to comprehend heaven. Just saying that is where so and so is--is enough for now.

---

 You know how toddlers are...Then come the questions..."Why can't I visit? When will Grandma come back?"

flan

---

 I like the answers I would give a lot better than the ones this mother will--and she even knows it.

---

 Even those who believe in God are often uncomfortable talking to children about death.

flan

---

 How do you know?

---

 Well, for once thing, I've helped many parents over the years.

And I've seen friends deal with the issue.

flan

When things like this came up with DD she was much more interested in death itself than where they went. "how do you die?" "How old are you when you die" "did he/she want to die/ why didn't they just not die and stay here?". Telling her they were in heaven would not have worked. But then again, I think she was older than the OP's kid the first time it came up.

Children have a better understanding than we think.

They have more faith than we do.

The dilemma of the LW is their own inner struggle. They know there is more after death. They are having to face the reality of their lack of faith.

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Children have a better understanding than we think.

They have more faith than we do.

The dilemma of the LW is their own inner struggle. They know there is more after death. They are having to face the reality of their lack of faith.

---

 Absolutely.  She knows her own answers are lacking.  She admits as much.

I think a lot of readers missed reading "... my wife and me..." - this letter apparently was written by the Dad.

Momala wrote:

---

I think a lot of readers missed reading "... my wife and me..." - this letter apparently was written by the Dad.

---

 I did miss that--but it really doesn't change anything.  

flan327 wrote:

---

Mary Zombie wrote:

---

I think so too Lily. Though perhaps the letter writer could say something like She is sleeping and at peace. At least it's something somewhat comforting.

---

 NO! Never say "sleeping."

flan

---

 I second this. Sleeping and dead are not the same thing.

I remember an exchange between a mother and her 5'ish year old. He asked why the butterflies aren't moving. She said they were sleeping. I kept my mouth shut but really wanted to say something. I was waiting for the kid to ask why the butterflies had pins through their bodies.

chef wrote:

---

DS is 2 and has only experienced one death in his life. His great-grandpa died when he was 6 months old. We have a pic of him and his great-grandparents on the bookshelf in our room. He will point to his great-grandpa when he sees the pic and say 'abba!' (grandpa). Sometimes, he'll ask 'where abba?' and we'll tell him grandpa's in Heaven. Sometimes, he will point up and we'll affirm that's where he is.

---

 But he could also be pointing at the sky.

flan

weltschmerz wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Children have a better understanding than we think.

They have more faith than we do.

The dilemma of the LW is their own inner struggle. They know there is more after death. They are having to face the reality of their lack of faith.

---

They know no such thing.

Don't presume to know what's going on in an atheist's head and their "inner struggle".

It's like me claiming that Christians have an inner struggle because they don't really believe in heaven, but hoping there is. 

---

So back to the letter, what DO atheists tell their kids? What you perceive as the truth?  That they die and decompose and just quit existing?

They cease to exist as we know existence.
They get converted into energy, which they do.

Oh I got it!

Hey little Johnny, we're going to plant this tree over gramps and you can watch it grow as his body feeds it.