TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dear Amy: My kid won't move out.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I'd increase her rent to $500 a month, telling her it will increase $50 every six months, and then I'd save at least half the money in an account each month and when it gets to a good amount - pay down her loan with it.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I would give her 90 days written notice. He could do 6 Months if he's feeling generous. She could find something affordable even if it's a studio appt. she's had plenty of time. No doubt she will magically figure it out once mooching is no longer an option.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

WHY does he want her to move out?

Apparently, she is following all his rules and paying the agreed upon rent.

She has to be working to be paying the rent and loan.

Sounds to me that he needs to talk to his wife. Find out what the mom wants.

Maybe it's that multi-generation homes is not uncommon to me, I don't think about it.

Yes, I dream of all my kids and families living at least on the same road, same, big house would be great.

huskerbb · Guru

I want my kids to be self-sufficient. $400 a month rent is token rent.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Ok.

But if that is the rent set by the parents, that's the rent.

And why can't they be self sufficient in the same house?

Mary Zombie · Guru

But Lily perhaps he wants his house back. It's ok for him to want that.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Ok.

But if that is the rent set by the parents, that's the rent.

And why can't they be self sufficient in the same house?

And which is why the advice is to raise it.

You can't be self sufficient when you are still sucking the mom and dad tit.

TrudyML · Guru

$400 a month. Partying away every weekend. Get out.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

It's ok to want his house back.

If it was his to begin with.

And if the rent is set and being collected each and every time, and if she is paying all her bills. Then she is self sufficient.

No different than renting any where else.

The letter says nothing about rules being broken, nothing about bills not being paid, nothing about taking advantage in any way.

The step dad just wants the daughter out.

Why?

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
It's ok to want his house back.

If it was his to begin with.

And if the rent is set and being collected each and every time, and if she is paying all her bills. Then she is self sufficient.

No different than renting any where else.

The letter says nothing about rules being broken, nothing about bills not being paid, nothing about taking advantage in any way.

The step dad just wants the daughter out.

Why?

No. They are giving her a cut rate in rent. She is NOT self sufficient.

Why? Because normal people don't want their kids in the same house all their lives. They want them to launch.

NAOW · Vette's SS

They probably set her rent so low so that she could use the rest of her money to pay down her loans and save up for her own life. But it doesn't sound like she is using that blessing to her advantage- instead partying and paying minimal loan payments and it doesn't sound like she is saving anything at all.

I understand the multi generaltional living situations, but most don't use their parents house as a flop house and party and spend the nights with their boyfriends on the weekends.

I agree with the advice. Raise her rent to fair market value and she will most likely decide to live on her own (because it's a safe bet that the only reason she lives with her parents and puts up with their rules is for the low cost living expenses)

apple · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
WHY does he want her to move out?

Apparently, she is following all his rules and paying the agreed upon rent.

She has to be working to be paying the rent and loan.

Sounds to me that he needs to talk to his wife. Find out what the mom wants.

Maybe it's that multi-generation homes is not uncommon to me, I don't think about it.

Yes, I dream of all my kids and families living at least on the same road, same, big house would be great.

I sort of agree, as long as she is working, paying rent and hopefully saving some money...it wouldn't bother me.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I once saw a great article from a mom that said the moment her kids started working as teens, they were required to contribute to the household. Out of their paychecks, she made them save 10% and she made them pay her 10% of everything they made, even while they were in school, etc. Without telling them, she put the 10% in a savings account and when they got married, gifted the entire saved amount back for a down payment on a house.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
It's ok to want his house back.

If it was his to begin with.

And if the rent is set and being collected each and every time, and if she is paying all her bills. Then she is self sufficient.

No different than renting any where else.

The letter says nothing about rules being broken, nothing about bills not being paid, nothing about taking advantage in any way.

The step dad just wants the daughter out.

Why?

No. They are giving her a cut rate in rent. She is NOT self sufficient.

Why? Because normal people don't want their kids in the same house all their lives. They want them to launch.

That's not the definition of self sufficient.

If the rent is less than any where else, why is that the renter's problem?

If you get a deal, you going to pay more on your own? No.

Self sufficient means not relying on others.

And according to the letter, she isnt.

She is abiding by their verbal renters agreement.

Mary Zombie · Guru

It doesn't matter why he wants her to move out. He is an equal partner In His marriage and its normal to want grown kids to move out.
And partying every weekend and using their house as a hotel is not really grown up. It's time.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

How is she using it as a hotel?

Seems more like the boyfriend's place is more the hotel.

Take the family aspect out of it.

If this was just a renter in a boarding house, and she was paying her rent, bills, and following the rules, would you still be saying the same things?

NAOW · Vette's SS

lilyofcourse wrote:
How is she using it as a hotel?

Seems more like the boyfriend's place is more the hotel.

Take the family aspect out of it.

If this was just a renter in a boarding house, and she was paying her rent, bills, and following the rules, would you still be saying the same things?

You can't take the family out of it. Being family is why she is getting to live there so cheaply. They know that, she knows that. Like most parents, they probably wanted to help her out. Now they realize she is not taking advantage of that help but rather planning on staying indefinitely so she can continue living the lifestyle she does, so they'd rather have their house back to themselves. There is nothing wrong with that.

And when your lifestyle depends on someone else's generosity (cheap rent at your parents house) you are not self sufficient.

NAOW · Vette's SS

It doesn't sound like he wants her out so much as he wants to see her moving forward. I think if she was paying down her debt and saving money he wouldn't have a problem with her staying. I think most parents want to see what their kid's make of their lives.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I agree NAOW. And look I did what she's doing in my late 20s or so and didn't start getting it together until I moved out. There was no incentive until then because I had that cushion.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I would have no problem with my kids staying provided they being responsible, paying rent, and not blowing all the extra they are supposed to be saving for whatever.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

NAOW wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
How is she using it as a hotel?

Seems more like the boyfriend's place is more the hotel.

Take the family aspect out of it.

If this was just a renter in a boarding house, and she was paying her rent, bills, and following the rules, would you still be saying the same things?

You can't take the family out of it. Being family is why she is getting to live there so cheaply. They know that, she knows that. Like most parents, they probably wanted to help her out. Now they realize she is not taking advantage of that help but rather planning on staying indefinitely so she can continue living the lifestyle she does, so they'd rather have their house back to themselves. There is nothing wrong with that.
And when your lifestyle depends on someone else's generosity (cheap rent at your parents house) you are not self sufficient.

So if you found a deal on rent, you'd pay more just because?

This is the agreement they have.

She is doing her part.

Abiding by their verbal contract.

NAOW · Vette's SS

lilyofcourse wrote:
NAOW wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
How is she using it as a hotel?

Seems more like the boyfriend's place is more the hotel.

Take the family aspect out of it.

If this was just a renter in a boarding house, and she was paying her rent, bills, and following the rules, would you still be saying the same things?

You can't take the family out of it. Being family is why she is getting to live there so cheaply. They know that, she knows that. Like most parents, they probably wanted to help her out. Now they realize she is not taking advantage of that help but rather planning on staying indefinitely so she can continue living the lifestyle she does, so they'd rather have their house back to themselves. There is nothing wrong with that.
And when your lifestyle depends on someone else's generosity (cheap rent at your parents house) you are not self sufficient.
So if you found a deal on rent, you'd pay more just because?
This is the agreement they have.
She is doing her part.
Abiding by their verbal contract.

Finding a deal is different than someone doing you a favor.

Who cares what their agreement was? Obviously the step dad thinks she could be doing more and feels like his help is hindering her and wants to know how to change that.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

In denver the housing market is too expensive to live on your own. Unless my kid is being a lousy person, I would not want to kick them out anytime soon.

apple · Guru

Cheerios4606 wrote:
In denver the housing market is too expensive to live on your own. Unless my kid is being a lousy person, I would not want to kick them out anytime soon.

Same here, the price of a single family home in the city is well over 1 million dollars. I see a lot of kids who are not moving out. Rent is too high and its impossible to buy without a hefty down payment.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Cheerios4606 wrote:
In denver the housing market is too expensive to live on your own. Unless my kid is being a lousy person, I would not want to kick them out anytime soon.

Rents are terrible here, too.

We let Conor live rent free until he saved a down payment and bought his home.

He was 28.

His Dad and I didn't mind. He was an easy kid to have around. smile

NAOW · Vette's SS

I agree with that too. My sister lived with me for about a year and half because she couldn't afford to live on her own (or rather, it would have been really, really tight to do it) but she used that time to pay off her debt and get a good amount in her savings account. If she were going out partying every weekend and blowing her money, I would not have felt comfortable with that living situation.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Just clean the house and I'd be happy.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

NAOW wrote:
I agree with that too. My sister lived with me for about a year and half because she couldn't afford to live on her own (or rather, it would have been really, really tight to do it) but she used that time to pay off her debt and get a good amount in her savings account. If she were going out partying every weekend and blowing her money, I would not have felt comfortable with that living situation.

It was good of you to give her a hand, NAOW! smile

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

NAOW wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
NAOW wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
How is she using it as a hotel?

Seems more like the boyfriend's place is more the hotel.

Take the family aspect out of it.

If this was just a renter in a boarding house, and she was paying her rent, bills, and following the rules, would you still be saying the same things?

You can't take the family out of it. Being family is why she is getting to live there so cheaply. They know that, she knows that. Like most parents, they probably wanted to help her out. Now they realize she is not taking advantage of that help but rather planning on staying indefinitely so she can continue living the lifestyle she does, so they'd rather have their house back to themselves. There is nothing wrong with that.
And when your lifestyle depends on someone else's generosity (cheap rent at your parents house) you are not self sufficient.
So if you found a deal on rent, you'd pay more just because?
This is the agreement they have.
She is doing her part.
Abiding by their verbal contract.

Finding a deal is different than someone doing you a favor.
Who cares what their agreement was? Obviously the step dad thinks she could be doing more and feels like his help is hindering her and wants to know how to change that.

So just disregard their verbal contract?

Mary Zombie · Guru

The thing is, if one of the parents have a problem with it then it a problem.
She is getting a sweet deal she wouldn't be able to pay that rent anywhere else without roommates. I can understand the LW not wanting to continue enabling her to not grow up. I think 6 months!s notice that she must move out is reasonable.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
NAOW wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
NAOW wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
How is she using it as a hotel?

Seems more like the boyfriend's place is more the hotel.

Take the family aspect out of it.

If this was just a renter in a boarding house, and she was paying her rent, bills, and following the rules, would you still be saying the same things?

You can't take the family out of it. Being family is why she is getting to live there so cheaply. They know that, she knows that. Like most parents, they probably wanted to help her out. Now they realize she is not taking advantage of that help but rather planning on staying indefinitely so she can continue living the lifestyle she does, so they'd rather have their house back to themselves. There is nothing wrong with that.
And when your lifestyle depends on someone else's generosity (cheap rent at your parents house) you are not self sufficient.
So if you found a deal on rent, you'd pay more just because?
This is the agreement they have.
She is doing her part.
Abiding by their verbal contract.

Finding a deal is different than someone doing you a favor.
Who cares what their agreement was? Obviously the step dad thinks she could be doing more and feels like his help is hindering her and wants to know how to change that.
So just disregard their verbal contract?

I think that's taking it a bit far. 3 years ago it might have been fine, and they may have thought it would only last a little while and it's dragging on past what they consider reasonable. They have the right to decide they want to end the arrangement at any time.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
It's ok to want his house back.

If it was his to begin with.

And if the rent is set and being collected each and every time, and if she is paying all her bills. Then she is self sufficient.

No different than renting any where else.

The letter says nothing about rules being broken, nothing about bills not being paid, nothing about taking advantage in any way.

The step dad just wants the daughter out.

Why?

No. They are giving her a cut rate in rent. She is NOT self sufficient.

Why? Because normal people don't want their kids in the same house all their lives. They want them to launch.
That's not the definition of self sufficient.
If the rent is less than any where else, why is that the renter's problem?
If you get a deal, you going to pay more on your own? No.
Self sufficient means not relying on others.
And according to the letter, she isnt.
She is abiding by their verbal renters agreement.

She is relying on others. She is being given a place to live complete with food and utilities for a pittance.

if you are still sucking on the mom and dad tit, you are not self-sufficient.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

You are right. They can.

But it isn't because she isn't living up to her responsibility.

According to the LW, she is.

She isn't the bad guy.

None of them are bad guys.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
You are right. They can.

But it isn't because she isn't living up to her responsibility.

According to the LW, she is.

She isn't the bad guy.

None of them are bad guys.

No one is saying she is "bad". Lots of people are good people. That doesn't mean I want them all living with me.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
It's ok to want his house back.

If it was his to begin with.

And if the rent is set and being collected each and every time, and if she is paying all her bills. Then she is self sufficient.

No different than renting any where else.

The letter says nothing about rules being broken, nothing about bills not being paid, nothing about taking advantage in any way.

The step dad just wants the daughter out.

Why?

No. They are giving her a cut rate in rent. She is NOT self sufficient.

Why? Because normal people don't want their kids in the same house all their lives. They want them to launch.
That's not the definition of self sufficient.
If the rent is less than any where else, why is that the renter's problem?
If you get a deal, you going to pay more on your own? No.
Self sufficient means not relying on others.
And according to the letter, she isnt.
She is abiding by their verbal renters agreement.
She is relying on others. She is being given a place to live complete with food and utilities for a pittance.

if you are still sucking on the mom and dad tit, you are not self-sufficient.

Per their agreement.

She is completely living up to her end of the agreement.

The letter says she is doing everything required.

That is self sufficient.

Just because it's mom and step dad's house is irrelevant.

It may be their house, but she is paying her own way per their agreement.

NAOW · Vette's SS

To me self sufficient is when you can take care of yourself by yourself. If you are relying on favors to help afford your lifestyle you are not self sufficient.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
It's ok to want his house back.

If it was his to begin with.

And if the rent is set and being collected each and every time, and if she is paying all her bills. Then she is self sufficient.

No different than renting any where else.

The letter says nothing about rules being broken, nothing about bills not being paid, nothing about taking advantage in any way.

The step dad just wants the daughter out.

Why?

No. They are giving her a cut rate in rent. She is NOT self sufficient.

Why? Because normal people don't want their kids in the same house all their lives. They want them to launch.
That's not the definition of self sufficient.
If the rent is less than any where else, why is that the renter's problem?
If you get a deal, you going to pay more on your own? No.
Self sufficient means not relying on others.
And according to the letter, she isnt.
She is abiding by their verbal renters agreement.
She is relying on others. She is being given a place to live complete with food and utilities for a pittance.

if you are still sucking on the mom and dad tit, you are not self-sufficient.
Per their agreement.
She is completely living up to her end of the agreement.
The letter says she is doing everything required.
That is self sufficient.
Just because it's mom and step dad's house is irrelevant.
It may be their house, but she is paying her own way per their agreement.

No it is not. She is not paying her own way.

Using your nonsense illogic, if they agreed on $1 rent and she paid it she'd be paying her own way. That's bull****. Living up to their agreement is IRRELEVANT.

the measure is whether you are making it on your own without subsidies from mom and dad.

is like people sucking off the government. Sure, the money might go in their account, but they aren't paying their own way, the taxpayers are.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

If this were a boarding house, and she was doing this exact same thing, the reaction would be different.

The owners can change the situation if they don't like it.

But the daughter is meeting her obligations.

What ever is included in the rent, is included in the rent.

Doesn't mean she isn't self sufficient.

Quite the opposite.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

They aren't doing her any favors with the cheap rent unless she is using the opportunity aka gift, to pay down her debt and save. I think she needs a good dose of reality. That is a parent's job to do so.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
If this were a boarding house, and she was doing this exact same thing, the reaction would be different.

The owners can change the situation if they don't like it.

But the daughter is meeting her obligations.

What ever is included in the rent, is included in the rent.

Doesn't mean she isn't self sufficient.

Quite the opposite.

You are laughably wrong. That is just a stupid measure.

if they agreed on $1 she'd be self sufficient?

Absolutely not. That is a STUPID way to look at it.

huskerbb · Guru

Sounds like someone is trying to justify their own reliance on others.

FNW · Guru

It depends on where she is living. In some areas, $400 is close to market rent. In others, it's a pittance.

At any rate, she's obeying the rules, paying her rent, so what's the problem. I might increase it a bit, or assign some household chores. Perhaps if she had responsibilities, she would not be partying on the weekends so much and staying at the boyfriend's. Keep her busier.

Eventually she will grow up. Probably when she realizes she could do better than this loser she's with. Work on that. Help build her self-esteem. Help her update her resume and encourage her to see what other jobs are out there. She has a degree? Where could it be better applied. What are her interests. Help her establish a goal plan. Sure, she might be an adult, but even adults could use a little guidance.

huskerbb · Guru

The problem is she's 26 and still living at home.

I was out of the house by 18. My son who stayed the longest was out of my house by 19.

Get on with your own life.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
Sounds like someone is trying to justify their own reliance on others.

Bingo!

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

NAOW wrote:
To me self sufficient is when you can take care of yourself by yourself. If you are relying on favors to help afford your lifestyle you are not self sufficient.

Exactly.

She is NOT self-sufficient at this point.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

huskerbb wrote:
Sounds like someone is trying to justify their own reliance on others.

Oh Husker, you've been trying to say this the whole time.

It isn't about me. Never has been.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

flan327 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Sounds like someone is trying to justify their own reliance on others.
Bingo!
flan

Flan, you do not want to start slinging mud.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

The daughter is meeting her responsibilities.

Period.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I guess anyone who lives with another isn't self sufficient.