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Post Info TOPIC: Do You Know How to be Married?
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Do You Know How to be Married?
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Do You Know How to be Married?

My thoughts after 40 years of happy ( well reasonably happy) marriage.
 
Posted May 01, 2016
 
Marty Nemko
Source: Marty Nemko

Yes, sometimes I think the institution ofmarriage is obsolete. Social and economic changes have reduced the need. And I can't even say that if I were starting over, I'd marry.

But I did and while the marriage has never been made in heaven, it's worked pretty well here on earth. And we've been together for 43 years now, three years "living in sin" and 40 official years.

Here, using the format I've used in some recent articles---the self-assessment inventory--are my thoughts on how to make marriage work. These ideas derive not only from my own marriage but from conversations with friends, and from what I've learned from my clients.

1. Accept the likely immutable. My wife and I have different sex drives. In the beginning, we tried various things to better match but they had limited success so fairly early on, we came to accept that as immutable and focused our time on what didn't require foundational change. We believe that worked better than if we kept slogging at it.

Similarly, Barb likes to travel and to dance. I like neither. I enjoy hiking and gardening. She likes neither. So rather than pester each other to join in, we usually do such activities separately.

2. Foundational respect. The glue that has kept our marriage solid for all these years is a foundational respect for each other's intellect, character, and emotional health. All couples, before marrying or even living together, beware of letting sexual infatuation trump those crucial factors.

3. We truncate disagreements. We quickly recognize whether a disagreement is likely to be solvable. Often, it's the same or similar argument we've had before that hasn't yielded a positive resolution. So, sometimes after just a few seconds, one of us says something like, ""We've been down this path too many times. Nothing changes. Let's change topics." 

That may sound simplistic but for us, it works well enough to keep our arguing well within tolerable limits. We rarely fight and, when we see each other, it's almost always an island of calm and comfort amid our very busy, often stressful lives, just what I think a marriage should be.

4. Living apart. That's not realistic for most people but our marriage has benefited from our living an hour apart from each other. Many self-efficacious people feel too constrained by living together 24/7/365 for a lifetime.

We did live together for our marriage's first 20 years but then Barb got elected Napa County Superintendent of Schools, which required her to live in Napa. Meanwhile, I've long had a busy career counseling practice in Oakland. So for expediency, we decided to try living separately and my driving up to see her one night during the week and then for the weekend.

It has turned out to be more than expedient. We almost invariably enjoy seeing other and don't have the time to get on each other's nerves. It's a little like dating.

5. A secular spiritual awareness.  It feels sort of spiritual that we've chosen to spend our lives hand-in-hand as we proceed on life's conveyer belt. That creates a sort of secular sacred bond, a treasuring of the good parts of our history, of the good lives we currently have, and an awareness that our continued excellent health cannot last forever but that we will be there for each other.

The takeaway

Is there anything in this self-assessment inventory that makes you want to do something?

In marriage or not, Freud was on to something when he described the life well-led as good work, something to look forward to, and someone to love.

Marty Nemko's bio is in Wikipedia. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-do-life/201605/do-you-know-how-be-married

 



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huskerbb


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If you have to live apart due to whatever circumstances, then it is what it is--but to put that forth as some secret to a happy marriage is absurd.

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I know how to live happily divorced!


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huskerbb


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I also think the advice about doing things alone, apart from each other is incomplete.

Yes, I think it is healthy to have some hobbies and activities you can enjoy on your own--but on the other side of the coin, if you don't have some shared hobbies and activities, I don't think a marriage can really last, or be happy.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I thought this was a stupid article! Live apart and dont do anything together you dont like. lol

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NAOW


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It sounds like justification for a crappy marriage.

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chef


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There's a lot of interests that DH and I don't share. It's a crap shoot if he and I will have an interest in the same movie. Like last night. He wanted to see Batman v Superman. I didn't. We went out on a date night so DS was at grandma's. We had an awesome dinner then he saw his movie and I sat next to the theater and did crosswords. We both had fun even though he was disappointed in the movie.

Living separately - I couldn't do that. When I was single, I was fine living alone. But, I like my husband being home on a daily basis and I like DS seeing his daddy every day.

DH and I are both stubborn so truncating disagreements simply wouldn't work for us. We're both Christian and have a Church that fills our spiritual needs. DS also loves our Church. He claps when we pull into the parking lot and says 'ChurchName!' excitedly.

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flan327


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lilyofcourse wrote:

I know how to live happily divorced!

 Yes, you keep saying that.

flan



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Fort Worth Mom


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Do you know how to be married? (The title of the article/thread)

Yes, I guess so.

35th anniversary in June.smile

Not that Wayne and I haven't had a bad moment, here or there.

But, our motto was, "You keep bailing, and I'll keep paddling....and we'll keep this boat afloat!"

So far, so good.wink



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sweet tooth


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NAOW wrote:

It sounds like justification for a crappy marriage.

 I disagree. People are still individuals after marriage. They still have their own interests, and they still need a little space sometimes. My husband and I have a fantastic marriage and do lots of things separately. We also do things together.

 



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just Czech


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Fort Worth Mom wrote:

Do you know how to be married? (The title of the article/thread)

Yes, I guess so.

35th anniversary in June.smile

Not that Wayne and I haven't had a bad moment, here or there.

But, our motto was, "You keep bailing, and I'll keep paddling....and we'll keep this boat afloat!"

So far, so good.wink

FWM, we approached our marriage the same way. Plus, when the kids came along, he added, "we'll take turns being good cop, bad cop."

40+ years in the  books. 



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lilyofcourse


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flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I know how to live happily divorced!

 Yes, you keep saying that.

flan

 Yes. I do.

Your problem is?



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Fort Worth Mom


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just Czech wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:

Do you know how to be married? (The title of the article/thread)

Yes, I guess so.

35th anniversary in June.smile

Not that Wayne and I haven't had a bad moment, here or there.

But, our motto was, "You keep bailing, and I'll keep paddling....and we'll keep this boat afloat!"

So far, so good.wink

FWM, we approached our marriage the same way. Plus, when the kids came along, he added, "we'll take turns being good cop, bad cop."

40+ years in the  books. 

Well Czech...we both knew, that divorce wasn't going to happen. I'm Catholic. Wayne is Episcopalian. If he and I divorced, I couldn't marry again, until he died.

Pick well. Take your time. JMHO.

Work out the small stuff. If you know each well enough, there probably won't be big stuff.

(And, for us, it really has been small stuff.)smile

Divorce was never an option for us.

We both agreed on that, before we got married.



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weltschmerz


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More and more married couples are living apart.

www.alternet.org/culture/living-apart-good-marriage-more-americans-two-roofs-may-be-better-one

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just Czech


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Fort Worth Mom wrote:
just Czech wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:

Do you know how to be married? (The title of the article/thread)

Yes, I guess so.

35th anniversary in June.smile

Not that Wayne and I haven't had a bad moment, here or there.

But, our motto was, "You keep bailing, and I'll keep paddling....and we'll keep this boat afloat!"

So far, so good.wink

FWM, we approached our marriage the same way. Plus, when the kids came along, he added, "we'll take turns being good cop, bad cop."

40+ years in the  books. 

Well Czech...we both knew, that divorce wasn't going to happen. I'm Catholic. Wayne is Episcopalian. If he and I divorced, I couldn't marry again, until he died.

Pick well. Take your time. JMHO.

Work out the small stuff. If you know each well enough, there probably won't be big stuff.

(And, for us, it really has been small stuff.)smile

Divorce was never an option for us.

We both agreed on that, before we got married.

We also agreed that divorce was not an option before we married. We did a good job picking husbands didn't we, FWM. smile 



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Fort Worth Mom


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just Czech wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:
just Czech wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:

Do you know how to be married? (The title of the article/thread)

Yes, I guess so.

35th anniversary in June.smile

Not that Wayne and I haven't had a bad moment, here or there.

But, our motto was, "You keep bailing, and I'll keep paddling....and we'll keep this boat afloat!"

So far, so good.wink

FWM, we approached our marriage the same way. Plus, when the kids came along, he added, "we'll take turns being good cop, bad cop."

40+ years in the  books. 

Well Czech...we both knew, that divorce wasn't going to happen. I'm Catholic. Wayne is Episcopalian. If he and I divorced, I couldn't marry again, until he died.

Pick well. Take your time. JMHO.

Work out the small stuff. If you know each well enough, there probably won't be big stuff.

(And, for us, it really has been small stuff.)smile

Divorce was never an option for us.

We both agreed on that, before we got married.

We also agreed that divorce was not an option before we married. We did a good job picking husbands didn't we, FWM. smile 

Czech, I think we both made great choices.

As did, our husbands.smile

And, I think we had good examples to follow. Which made things easier, for us. 



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jlbear71


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I think that being married takes two.

Divorce is 50-50, Marriage is 100%-100%.

I cannot tell you the last time DH and I argued. Yes, we have had disagreements but we rarely fight. I think in the 24 years together, 15 of them married, we have had less than 10 fights, probably less than 5. We talk, we listen, we come to a resolution usually, sometimes we walk away unsatisfied.

We make time for each other. We respect each other.

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lilyofcourse


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I'm always happy for people who have good marriages.


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Charley Harper
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Married 33 years and still going strong. Wouldn't change a thing.

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Empyreal


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What the what?

Did you find this on "The Onion"?

The whole thing, including that picture! Haha!

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flan327


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Empyreal wrote:

What the what?

Did you find this on "The Onion"?

The whole thing, including that picture! Haha!

 What's wrong with having respect for each other & learning to NOT rehash the same old arguments?

flan



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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weltschmerz wrote:

More and more married couples are living apart.

www.alternet.org/culture/living-apart-good-marriage-more-americans-two-roofs-may-be-better-one

 That's nice. What's the point?



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flan327


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Well, it works for some people...just like open marriage does. Neither would be MY choice.

flan

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Fine but don't write an article on "How to Be Married" as if that is some secret to being married, lol.

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flan327


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Fine but don't write an article on "How to Be Married" as if that is some secret to being married, lol.

 You're not the boss of me...

flan



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Somebody needs to be the Boss of You! Why not me??

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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60427913.jpg



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flan327


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Somebody needs to be the Boss of You! Why not me??

 Will you make me eat broccoli?

flan



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Lawyerlady


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That article says nothing.

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huskerbb


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flan327 wrote:

Well, it works for some people...just like open marriage does. Neither would be MY choice.

flan

 Living apart may work for some people--but again, to put it forth as some sort of key to a happy marriage is absurd.  Most people don't get married to live apart.  Most people in a relationship don't want to live apart, married or not.  

 



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flan327


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Lawyerlady wrote:

That article says nothing.

 ??????

From the OP:

The glue that has kept our marriage solid for all these years is a foundational respect for each other's intellect, character, and emotional health. All couples, before marrying or even living together, beware of letting sexual infatuation trump those crucial factors.

flan



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lilyofcourse


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I've known people who live apart and stayed married til one of them died.

But they were not together in any sense of the word.

That isn't a marriage, it's a contract.


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Charley Harper
Lawyerlady


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flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

That article says nothing.

 ??????

From the OP:

The glue that has kept our marriage solid for all these years is a foundational respect for each other's intellect, character, and emotional health. All couples, before marrying or even living together, beware of letting sexual infatuation trump those crucial factors.

flan

 Let me rephrase.  That article says nothing people with half a brain don't already know.



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Do You Know How to be Married?
___________________________

yes



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WYSIWYG


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Do I know how to be married?

What God hath joined together let no man put asunder. That goes for the two people in the marriage as well. Both people must actively put the marriage first.

"It takes two to make a marriage work but it only takes one to make it fail" isn't just a saying. It's the truth.

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just Czech


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WYSIWYG wrote:

Do I know how to be married?

What God hath joined together let no man put asunder. That goes for the two people in the marriage as well. Both people must actively put the marriage first.

"It takes two to make a marriage work but it only takes one to make it fail" isn't just a saying. It's the truth.

 Experience or observation?

Please don't feel you have to answer that question. I'm just curious.



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Experience or observation?

Please don't feel you have to answer that question. I'm just curious.
just Czech

________________________________

I don't mind answering that. It's actually a little bit of both.

Experience wise, I came from a home where only one spouse actively worked at the marriage (I won't go into too much detail on that though).

Observation wise, I have known many divorced couples where one did everything possible to make things work and the other one didn't care (or actively tried to wreck it).

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lilyofcourse


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That's true.

A marriage doesn't work if both people don't want it.

They may never divorce, but they are no more than room mates.

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Charley Harper
just Czech


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WYSIWYG wrote:

Experience or observation?

Please don't feel you have to answer that question. I'm just curious.
just Czech

________________________________

I don't mind answering that. It's actually a little bit of both.

Experience wise, I came from a home where only one spouse actively worked at the marriage (I won't go into too much detail on that though).

Observation wise, I have known many divorced couples where one did everything possible to make things work and the other one didn't care (or actively tried to wreck it).

Thank you for your answer. I see what you mean now.  



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I drink coffee so I don't kill you.

I quilt so I don't kill you.

Do you see a theme?

Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
WYSIWYG


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You're welcome.

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