DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years died unexpectedly. Like so many other Americans, he didn’t have life insurance or any money to cover his funeral. For the last 2 1/2 years I provided the primary financial support when he came and lived with me.
His mother made the decisions about the casket and service. She asked that money instead of flowers be given to help pay for the cost of the funeral. Around $4,000 is still owed. She now says the remaining cost should be divided between her, her ex-husband and me.
I don’t think I should be obligated to assume a third of the funeral costs. If I had been married to him, the situation would be different. I have friends and family who agree with me and others who don’t.
If I tell his mother it isn’t my responsibility to pay, she and other family members may never speak to me again. What is your response to this scenario? — WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?
DEAR WHO: This may seem negative, but of this I am positive: Even if you do pay a third of the funeral expenses, those people may turn away from you anyway. So do as your conscience dictates and nobody else.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I think it sounds like the mother made all the choices about the funeral. Did she even ask for any input from the GF?
Regardless, it is not the girlfriend's responsibility to pay for the funeral, but ESPECIALLY if she had no input into the cost and expense of the funeral.
I can't believe the family asked. I would probably contribute a donation, but I would not feel obligated to pay for a third. And of course, it would depend on if he left any joint debt the GF is going to have to pay off.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I think I would approach it this way..."Sorry mom, but after 2 1/2 years of supporting him, I'm tapped out. I am not sure what arrangements you have gone ahead and made, but I would be happy to dig up some pictures from the last 5 1/2 years for a funeral display, if you have decided to have one."
Then I would distant myself from that family stat.
I agree FNW. And in most cases there is free cremation for the indigent so it was the family's choice to have. A costly burial.
That's a lot of nerve right there.
Why were they living together? We're they a permanent couple, going to live together forever and have a family?
Sounds like the only thing missing was a marriage license.
I don't know, I kind of think she might have some responsibility, even though it isn't legal responsibility.
Maybe not a 1/3 but something.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
The LW refers to him as her "boyfriend" - not fiancé. That tells me he had no permanent arrangement in mind - just a girlfriend with benefits.
FNW has it spot on - she supported him for 2 1/2 years. Enough is enough. And why is she concerned if his Mom and family don't want to associate with her?
I agree with ll and fnw. Mom made the arrangements without consult. Plus, not being married is a big factor in not paying. What I don't like is how lw says " like most people " in not having life insurance. If no one is dependent on you, why buy life insurance and if you don't provide for your funeral no one is obligated to pay.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
It really depends on whether she wants an ongoing relationship with his family or not. First of all, dont' play house if you aren't married. You blurr the lines. It creates problems just like here. So she cared enough to support him in life but not for the final goodbye? I mean, she isn't obligated but that does seem a bit odd. If she can walk away from his family, then walk away. And, don't pay anything. It's really her choice as she isn't legally or financially obligated.
I think it sounds like the mother made all the choices about the funeral. Did she even ask for any input from the GF?
Regardless, it is not the girlfriend's responsibility to pay for the funeral, but ESPECIALLY if she had no input into the cost and expense of the funeral.
I can't believe the family asked. I would probably contribute a donation, but I would not feel obligated to pay for a third. And of course, it would depend on if he left any joint debt the GF is going to have to pay off.
I agree that she probably should have had some say in the arrangements.
However, often, the parents do take over the arrangements--AND pay for it--and then the live-in has a hissy fit because they weren't included. They want the benefits of marriage--without the marriage.
I agree that isn't, apparently, the case here (although she does sound a little miffed that mom and dad decided everything).
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It really depends on whether she wants an ongoing relationship with his family or not. First of all, dont' play house if you aren't married. You blurr the lines. It creates problems just like here. So she cared enough to support him in life but not for the final goodbye? I mean, she isn't obligated but that does seem a bit odd. If she can walk away from his family, then walk away. And, don't pay anything. It's really her choice as she isn't legally or financially obligated.
At least don't b!tch about how it turns out.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
The LW refers to him as her "boyfriend" - not fiancé. That tells me he had no permanent arrangement in mind - just a girlfriend with benefits.
FNW has it spot on - she supported him for 2 1/2 years. Enough is enough. And why is she concerned if his Mom and family don't want to associate with her?
