DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I just want our kids to be happy, and this sometimes ends up with us spoiling them. We recently leased a car for our 23-year-old daughter. She works very hard, and we wanted to congratulate her on a successful year out of college. Our friends gave us a bit of a hard time, saying things like, "She's an adult! She can buy her own car." We were happy to give the car to her.
When she recently visited, I took her keys from the kitchen counter to move her car from the driveway. The car smelled like marijuana, and I was completely stunned. This is not the daughter I raised and certainly not the hardworking girl I gave a car to! Granted, she pays for her gas and monthly payments, but we funded the down payment! I didn't say anything to her about knowing she uses drugs in her car, and my wife told me to leave her alone and stop prying. I just feel disrespected. I want to take the car away, but my wife argues that we don't know the whole story and need to let our "adult" daughter be in control of her life. Who is right? -- Blowing Smoke, Newark, New Jersey
DEAR BLOWING SMOKE: This is not about you. Your daughter is becoming a woman and must learn to take responsibility for herself. You have to move past feeling disrespected and focus on what is more important.
You should tell your daughter you smelled the marijuana in her car. Whether you approve or not isn't the point. It is still illegal to possess or consume marijuana in your state. Because smoking it can impair one's driving ability, it is doubly important that your daughter understand -- at the very least -- that she should not smoke and drive. Please remind her of this. You can also tell her you are disappointed in her choice and hope she will be wiser moving forward.
If they are paying for her car, they have a right to tell her not to do drugs in it. But how to enforce this rule? By telling her she can fund her own transportation.
Well, my point in being an adult is to stop blurring the lines with your parents. Live your life and live it by your own means. Then, nobody gets to tell you what to do. But, since she has allowed them to subsidize her life, they have the right to tell her what they think and to take the car away if they choose too. You don't want me to tell you what to do, then fund your own life.
Well, my point in being an adult is to stop blurring the lines with your parents. Live your life and live it by your own means. Then, nobody gets to tell you what to do. But, since she has allowed them to subsidize her life, they have the right to tell her what they think and to take the car away if they choose too. You don't want me to tell you what to do, then fund your own life.
Maybe it's not pot. They could be wrong. If she is making th payments and doing well then they should butt out. Especially in the absence of proof. I'm with Trudy!
-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Wednesday 11th of May 2016 02:02:27 PM
I think Harriette's advice is good. Tell her not to fire up in the car because she can get pulled over. She is making the monthly payments so it's not true that they bought her a car. They gave her the down payment.
According to the letter, she is paying the monthly bills for the car.
So, dad could ask for the down payment back.
Or
He could understand that a gift is a gift and once you give it, you no longer have any say over it.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
But, he most definitely needs to talk to his daughter about drugs and make sure she understands the consequences if the police find evidence in her car.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
They gave her a gift, they are not paying the on going bills so he needs to back off. He should keep this in his memory as a consideration for future gifts though.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
They gave her a gift, they are not paying the on going bills so he needs to back off. He should keep this in his memory as a consideration for future gifts though.
I don't think he needs to back off. He needs to confront her. Marijuana has a pretty unmistakeable smell. Personally i find it to be a sickening odor so not sure why people want to smoke it and go around smelling of it because they absolutely do whether they think they do or not. Doesn't matter if it was her or a friend. If it is illegal in their state, then she is breaking the law.
But yeah, in the future, let her be an ADULT. And, the word ADULT means paying your own way in life.
