DEAR ABBY: My mother is 70. She lives alone and has been diagnosed with mild dementia and hydrocephalus. She has fallen numerous times and hurt herself, can no longer drive and needs help with household tasks.
The problem is, a relative keeps asking her to baby-sit her 5- and 7-year-old sons. The doctor has said in front of Mom that she shouldn't, because the boys will distract her and she'll have a hard time focusing on her balance and getting up.
I have told this relative that Mom shouldn't be watching the kids, but she refuses to listen. (Other relatives say she will be fine if she does.) My mother loves watching these kids and I understand that. But I'm more concerned about her well-being. Not sure what to do about this. Can you help? -- CONCERNED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR CONCERNED: Speak to the doctor and see if he/she will put in writing what was said to you and your mom about not baby-sitting. If you get it in writing, you can share it with the mother of those children and the other relatives.
Frankly, as concerned as I am about your mother losing her balance because she is distracted, I am equally concerned about the welfare of the kids. If your mom should fall and hit her head or break a hip, would they know what to do to help her? And as she becomes more confused, if something like a fire should happen, would she be competent enough to get the children out and call the fire department?
What you have described could be a recipe for disaster, and I am shocked at the irresponsibility of that mother.
I don't know. Those kids are helping her as much as she is helping them.
They are 5 and 7. How long is she watching them? It shouldn't require more than having snacks available and a place to be.
How bad is the dementia?
I know it seems like a bad situation, but if it's just an hour or two after school now and then, it seems fine.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Well, it's her mother. Her opinion should trump the other relatives in my opinion. However, mild dementia can mean a lot of things. Doesn't necessarily make her incapable. And, sometimes we sideline our elderly parents when they still have some life in them out of fear. But, yes, you don't want her watching young children if they could possibly be at risk.
I agree with getting the letter from the doctor. Give a copy to the mother, and tell her if she chooses to leave her kids with the mother, CPS could get involved for leaving them with an incompetent caregiver.**
**I have no idea if that is actually true, but it sounds like a good threat. As clueless as this relative sounds, it might make them back off.
I would come down on those relatives like a ton of bricks. And yes I would throw out CPS to drive the point home. I would also get power of attorney and possibly guardianship to assure her safety.
I had to deal with relatives and family friends that didn't want to accept my parents limitations. I even had to threaten banning a couple from visiting at the ALF for tells by my parents things like how much the ALF cost. Of course that caused them to have a fit. Who does that?
But anyhow. Yeah I'd be coming down on them hard.
We don't know if the children are truly in danger--and to the point that if mom would fall would the children know what to do? Well, it's better than her falling when she is alone. At least someone will be coming for the children at some point.
5 and 7 aren't babies. They don't need constant care. Make sure they are fed and the TV is on.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
We don't know if the children are truly in danger--and to the point that if mom would fall would the children know what to do? Well, it's better than her falling when she is alone. At least someone will be coming for the children at some point.
5 and 7 aren't babies. They don't need constant care. Make sure they are fed and the TV is on.
5 and 7 aren't old enough to know what to do if Grandma has an event.
We don't know if the children are truly in danger--and to the point that if mom would fall would the children know what to do? Well, it's better than her falling when she is alone. At least someone will be coming for the children at some point.
5 and 7 aren't babies. They don't need constant care. Make sure they are fed and the TV is on.
5 and 7 aren't old enough to know what to do if Grandma has an event.
So what? It's still better than her being alone if she has one. Someone will eventually come to get the kids. If she has an event while she is alone, it could be days before anyone comes.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
We don't know if the children are truly in danger--and to the point that if mom would fall would the children know what to do? Well, it's better than her falling when she is alone. At least someone will be coming for the children at some point.
5 and 7 aren't babies. They don't need constant care. Make sure they are fed and the TV is on.
5 and 7 aren't old enough to know what to do if Grandma has an event.
So what? It's still better than her being alone if she has one. Someone will eventually come to get the kids. If she has an event while she is alone, it could be days before anyone comes.
Husker this isn't an "either/or" situation. And, it isn' the job of young children to babysit grandma. There was a point when my mom started her decline that i could no longer trust her judgment to watch my children. That was a very painful realization. But, yes, that was something i had to do.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
She has fallen numerous times, can't drive and can't do simple household tasks. That is very concerning. And, if she has dementia, she may have poor judgment. Do you want someone with poor judgment watching your children? Poor judgment and dementia could result in her forgetting a pot is on the stove and burning down the house or any number of things. Her daughter believes she is to that point.
When elderly people start falling, it is indication of declining health and function. It is often the beginning of the steep decline. When my mom began declining, there were indications, then she fell. The fact that the OP's mom has fallen "numerous times" is an indication that she is really in very poor health. Now, i am not saying she shouldn't be around children. That is a very good thing. And, that would be good for her mom to have some little ones around to visit. So, the LW could even offer to watch the kids for a few hours here and there and take them to visit grandma or something like that. But, if she is really in declining health, a fall risk, and is having trouble managing the daily activities of life, then it is not a good idea to leave her in charge of young children. If they were older and coming over after school, then fine, but this is not the case here.
She has fallen numerous times, can't drive and can't do simple household tasks. That is very concerning. And, if she has dementia, she may have poor judgment. Do you want someone with poor judgment watching your children? Poor judgment and dementia could result in her forgetting a pot is on the stove and burning down the house or any number of things. Her daughter believes she is to that point.
She could burn the house down when she is alone, too. If it's truly to that point--then a skilled nursing facility needs to be the option, not just quitting baby-sitting.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I'm not saying grandma should be watching the kids 24/7.
But we don't know if it's 10 minutes or 6 hours.
And grandma probably loves having them.
But I wonder why the doctor hasn't suggested having grandma move into an assisted living facility?
Seems if grandma is so bad off, she should not be living alone.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
We don't know if the children are truly in danger--and to the point that if mom would fall would the children know what to do? Well, it's better than her falling when she is alone. At least someone will be coming for the children at some point.
5 and 7 aren't babies. They don't need constant care. Make sure they are fed and the TV is on.
5 and 7 aren't old enough to know what to do if Grandma has an event.
So what? It's still better than her being alone if she has one. Someone will eventually come to get the kids. If she has an event while she is alone, it could be days before anyone comes.
Husker this isn't an "either/or" situation. And, it isn' the job of young children to babysit grandma. There was a point when my mom started her decline that i could no longer trust her judgment to watch my children. That was a very painful realization. But, yes, that was something i had to do.
Myself and my cousins would often "baby-sit" my grandfather. My kids would do the same for my father when he started to get bad.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
The thing is too, if something should happen and on of the kids gets hurt....and it comes out that the parents knew she had dementia. Well that could be bad.
I would not want my boys watched alone by someone with dementia. Heck, even my parents, who will be approaching 80 in a couple years, I worry about watching. But I teach the boys to be careful with them and to take care of them. And the boys know how to use the phone. Plus, there are two of them (both parents), so at least one has a backup. And my mother will text me updates and pictures so I know what's going on.
We don't know if the children are truly in danger--and to the point that if mom would fall would the children know what to do? Well, it's better than her falling when she is alone. At least someone will be coming for the children at some point.
5 and 7 aren't babies. They don't need constant care. Make sure they are fed and the TV is on.
5 and 7 aren't old enough to know what to do if Grandma has an event.
So what? It's still better than her being alone if she has one. Someone will eventually come to get the kids. If she has an event while she is alone, it could be days before anyone comes.
Husker this isn't an "either/or" situation. And, it isn' the job of young children to babysit grandma. There was a point when my mom started her decline that i could no longer trust her judgment to watch my children. That was a very painful realization. But, yes, that was something i had to do.
Myself and my cousins would often "baby-sit" my grandfather. My kids would do the same for my father when he started to get bad.
Five and seven are not old enough to be responsible for a dementia patient. They need supervision, not the other way around.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I would not want my boys watched alone by someone with dementia. Heck, even my parents, who will be approaching 80 in a couple years, I worry about watching. But I teach the boys to be careful with them and to take care of them. And the boys know how to use the phone. Plus, there are two of them (both parents), so at least one has a backup. And my mother will text me updates and pictures so I know what's going on.
You don't have to do so.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
