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Vette


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Is it possible to be friends with my SO's ex?

We have this weirdly strained relationship where we are both very friendly to each other and I think we would LIKE to be genuine friends, but there's that little bit hanging over us of "hey, I used to sleep with your man" and "hey, he's not yours anymore he's mine."

I just don't know how to find a common ground. I'll fully admit I'm insecure, after all they were married ten years and have a son together, so there's always that doubt in my mind of what if they wanted to get back together? And she has as much as told me that she worries that their son will think of me like a mom even though I've tried to make it clear that I NEVER encourage that line of thought, I mean, I take care of him and love him to pieces but I am not his mom and never will be.

Can I get some stories about you and your SO's exes? Friends/not friends? How's it working out?



-- Edited by VetteGirl on Monday 23rd of May 2016 08:18:35 PM

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Southern_Belle


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My ex moved away shortly after our divorce was final. I don't have issues with his wife. All I cared about was that she treated DD well when she was young. My best advice is to give it time. The friendship won't happen overnight.

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Frozen Sucks!

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If you have that tensions "hey, I used to sleep with your man" and "hey, he's not yours anymore he's mine." then no, you can't be friends. You have to get beyond that.

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lilyofcourse


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When I separated from my ex, I made a concious decision to be the best friend of whomever he was with.

Purely for selfish reasons.

My reasoning was, they would be around my child and needed to have the right relationship with them.

I think it is possible to be friends.

And you say you have insecurities about her, well, it's clear she has them about you.

When with them, and her, always defer to her.

She is afraid of being replaced.

I get that.

So you're at the park having a picnic and the kid asks if he can go slide, tell him to ask his mom and dad. Let her know you don't want to replace her.

Things like that.

And just realize that you may never be true friends, but you both have a shared desire to do the best for the child.



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Charley Harper
Nobody Just Nobody


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I think it can happen Vette. One step at a time. I don't always agree with what my SS's mom does but we have a friendly relationship. DH always gets aggravated when we do drop offs or pick ups because she and I chat awhile. Just now DH was waiting in the car with SS because we were getting ready to take him home and she called with an emergency and asked me if we could keep him another night. I told her sure. I can call her anytime to get my SS and she will call here if she needs us to get him. We don't socialize as in going out but I don't think she does much socializing with much of anyone. Mostly her mom. She works a lot. I definitely think you can have a good relationship with her.

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Ohfour


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G and my ex "get along" when they need to. Last weekend was Bruiser's bday. Both were there. They shook hands and said good to see you.
At DDs wedding, they sat at a table by themselves, smoked, and had a drink or two. Afterwards, ex told me that he was happy that I had found someone that loved me and the kids as much as he does.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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No experience with exes whatsoever. However, since there is a child involved, i hope it can at the very least be respectful and civil. I don't think you should expect to be buddies or good friends. That may be possible, i don't know but i think it would create more potential problems than it is worth.

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Vette


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Thanks for the input guys, honestly I'm really glad we get along compared to some horror stories I've heard. I think I wish we were friends because I really like her as a person and I don't have any girlfriends.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

No experience with exes whatsoever. However, since there is a child involved, i hope it can at the very least be respectful and civil. I don't think you should expect to be buddies or good friends. That may be possible, i don't know but i think it would create more potential problems than it is worth.

 This.  I really don't know of anyone who has become BFF's with their spouse's ex.  But you can get to a point where you can get along.  Some of you remember how awful it was with DH's ex in the beginning but honestly now we do get along.  There are a few issues but nothing I can't deal with.  We recently went to a program at his school and she and I sat next to each other and talked about how wonderful these things would be if they would just serve margarita's.

 



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flan327


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Vette,

How long have you been with your BF? I remember you talking about him before you took a break, so hopefully he's a keeper.

You both picked the same guy so she has good taste...LOL

I don't have any advice, but it sounds like you're doing the best you can.

flan

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VetteGirl wrote:

Thanks for the input guys, honestly I'm really glad we get along compared to some horror stories I've heard. I think I wish we were friends because I really like her as a person and I don't have any girlfriends.

 Sometimes just "getting along" is best.  Knowing too much about each other can create other issues, jealousies.



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jlbear71


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DH's ex is still a horrible, narcissistic, psychotic %*$*&%^#$*&*. But she is still the mother of DSS30 so we are civil towards her and when discussing her with DSS and DIL. I wish she would extend us the same courtesy.

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Ohfour


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G and I have been married almost 12 years and I have not spoken to his ex in person, ever. We've um "talked" a couple of times on the phone, but we've never talked face to face.

Saturday, his ex is having a gender reveal party for their DD. She has invited me. This is going to be really, REALLY awkward...

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Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

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I think that adult women should be able to be civil enough to each other to get along, provided there was no adultery involved among the parties.

But if you both chose the same man, and both love the same child - you should be able to have a civil conversation.

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lilyofcourse


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This not directed at you, Vette.

But when I hear of anyone my ex was or is with, I can't help thinking what a desperate loser they are.

I'm just glad I no longer have to deal with his drama.

So it's more pity than anything that I feel for them.



-- Edited by lilyofcourse on Tuesday 24th of May 2016 01:41:37 PM

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Charley Harper
Vette


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Wow. I'm somebody's ex...

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lilyofcourse


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So am I. wink



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Charley Harper
Vette


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Well I'm not a loser and my ex is not a loser and my SO is not a loser and neither is his ex. You basically just insulted anyone who is an ex to someone or who is dating someone who is an ex to someone.

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Tignanello


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Hmmm - I read that as Lily speaking directly about a specific person, not about exes as a whole.

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lilyofcourse


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VetteGirl wrote:

Well I'm not a loser and my ex is not a loser and my SO is not a loser and neither is his ex. You basically just insulted anyone who is an ex to someone or who is dating someone who is an ex to someone.

 Ok. 

Seems I forgot how touchy you are.

First sentence said I was not directing that at you.

The whole post was about my ex and how I feel about my ex and anyone he is with.

Breathe Chica.



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Charley Harper
Vette


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Don't tell me what to do Lily. I've known you way too long than to put up with your condescending crap.

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Vette


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And don't call me names, I don't appreciate it.

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Lawyerlady


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Vette, I really think that was because of who her ex is. Not all ex's.

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Vette


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That's fine, and I'll interpret it how I will. But I don't appreciate the name calling like I am a child.

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Tinydancer


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Interpret how you will but she specifically stated it wasn't about you and nowhere did she call you a name. She was speaking about HER ex.

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lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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What name?

Chica? You're a young woman, right?



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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VetteGirl wrote:

Don't tell me what to do Lily. I've known you way too long than to put up with your condescending crap.

 Oh. Ok. Whatever. 

 



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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Lawyerlady wrote:

Vette, I really think that was because of who her ex is. Not all ex's.

 Exactly! 



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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Tinydancer wrote:

Interpret how you will but she specifically stated it wasn't about you and nowhere did she call you a name. She was speaking about HER ex.

 Yep. My ex is the stuff of nightmares. 

 



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

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VetteGirl wrote:

That's fine, and I'll interpret it how I will. But I don't appreciate the name calling like I am a child.

 No one does, Vette.

flan



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lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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biggrin



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
apple


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For the sake of the child and for your partners sanity it is good to be "friendly" with the ex but I would not recommend trying to be real friends.




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apple


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lilyofcourse wrote:

biggrin

 

biggrinbiggrin



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Tignanello


My dog name is, Sasha!

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apple wrote:

lilyofcourse wrote:

biggrin

 

biggrinbiggrin

 biggrinbiggrinbiggrin

Spoiler



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