TOTALLY GEEKED!

Why on earth would anyone stay in a "relationship" like this???

It is amazing how people are able to hide such issues before marriage. I wonder how much time they spent together before they were married. If he isn't willing to get help, she really should walk away. it will only get worse.

Did they never have a disagreement before they got married?! Did they not spend long periods of time together - weekends away, vacations, etc?? Wow.

The OP sounds like a very very weak woman who doesn't think she deserves any better. I think she needs some serious help to get away from this guy. Why does she want to stay with him??

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

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It is amazing how people are able to hide such issues before marriage. I wonder how much time they spent together before they were married. If he isn't willing to get help, she really should walk away. it will only get worse.

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 My ex fiance was like this.  I was with him for three years before I moved in, and it was almost like my moving in cemented the fact that I was with him so he could go back to being 'himself'.  Suddenly he drank a 24-pack of beer that he chased with a bottle of Jack Daniels and became verbally explosive like in the OP.  He would also threaten my life in various ways - running me over with a car, leaving  my body in the mountains on a camping trip, etc.  Of course, all this was under his breath so I was the only person who heard.  He also wouldn't let me out of his sight.  Because i was in a new area I didn't have a job yet, so he would bring me to work with him in a home-ish setting where he was a caretaker for a group of severely disabled individuals.  He had me cook for the staff, do his laundry, etc. while I was there.  Once I needed to go grocery shopping so he sent his roommate with me.  Then called me fifteen times because he didn't trust me alone with his roommate.

I left before we got married - thank goodness - but almost couldn't because he had also spent all my money.  I maxed out three credit cards just getting away from him- took me years to pay off the damage he caused.

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Because she took her vows seriously and is determined to honor them.

But he isn't doing his part.

She is constantly climbing uphill with this guy.

She needs to stop caring what anyone else thinks and tell him straight out to shape up or ship out.

Her responsibility is to herself and her marriage.

And if he isn't pulling his weight, then she needs to get out.

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 He is addicted to pornography and alcohol and has rage issues. I don't think she should take her vows seriously if he isn't. 

Mellow Momma wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Because she took her vows seriously and is determined to honor them.

But he isn't doing his part.

She is constantly climbing uphill with this guy.

She needs to stop caring what anyone else thinks and tell him straight out to shape up or ship out.

Her responsibility is to herself and her marriage.

And if he isn't pulling his weight, then she needs to get out.

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 He is addicted to pornography and alcohol and has rage issues. I don't think she should take her vows seriously if he isn't. 

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 I said took. 

It's hard to turn away from something you wanted with every fiber of your being. It's hard to give up those dreams.

It truly is like watching a loved one die a slow painful death.

 

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Because she took her vows seriously and is determined to honor them.

But he isn't doing his part.

She is constantly climbing uphill with this guy.

She needs to stop caring what anyone else thinks and tell him straight out to shape up or ship out.

Her responsibility is to herself and her marriage.

And if he isn't pulling his weight, then she needs to get out.

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 He is addicted to pornography and alcohol and has rage issues. I don't think she should take her vows seriously if he isn't. 

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 I said took. 

It's hard to turn away from something you wanted with every fiber of your being. It's hard to give up those dreams.

It truly is like watching a loved one die a slow painful death.

 

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 That bolded is true but when anyone takes a vow with someone hiding such terrible, life altering demons, the vow you take is with a different person, not the one you actually married.

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 Doesn't change the sincerity of the vow.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I don't understand these letters. Dear Abby, this man treats me like crap. He drinks, screams at me and is addicted to porn. But, i really, really LURV him. Why? Why would you LURV someone like that?

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 Ask my neighbor.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Yes, I agree. WHY do you love someone like that? They are a horrible person. What is there to love?

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 Only the dream of how she wants him to be

Imagine the person you are married to becoming an addict.

You don't just stop loving them.

It's hard to explain and it is really nice to hear that most have no idea how that feels.

had a younger sibling get involved with a guy like the op's--it was not pretty--he put on a good front in public but back at home she saw the real person--went on for a couple of years--as didn't see her that often ( she lived in ca at the time and i was not aware of the extent of his abuse--she was afraid to tell my father or me what was really going on--afraid of what we might do to him--eventually discovered through the wife of a friend ( who ran a dealership in the city where my sibling lived ) what the guy was really like and what he was putting my sister through--flew out there tout suite and went to their home--told him she was leaving with me right then and that if he ever as much as thought about harming her he was a dead man--he started crying like a baby, pleading with her to give him " another chance, to make things right, etc. "--bullchit--we collected her stuff ( excepting some furniture, appliances and other things ) and drove away that evening--she was upset to lose some of that stuff and told her that my father and i would replace every last thing for her but for now she needed to get away--lots of drama indeed

she has since found a good man ( a texan )--solid, loving, caring--the sort of man she deserves--am grateful i got there in time

I don't believe it. She just choose not to see.

Yes. Good point. But ok then. What now? The only time is now.

abuse is not some twisted form of love--it's abuse--people that love each other don't abuse one another, don't deliberately hurt one another, don't threaten one another--she's supposed to wait till he physically harms her ? their kids ?

no

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Imagine the person you are married to becoming an addict.

You don't just stop loving them.

It's hard to explain and it is really nice to hear that most have no idea how that feels.

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 I think that is a bit different.  Drugs change the personality of the person you love.  This person is not a nice person to begin with.  It's his core being.  So , what is there to love?

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 The OP says he changed after they got married.

All I'm saying is, it isnt a matter of just flipping a switch.

 

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 Like most abusers do.  They are sweet until they trap you in marriage, and then the true colors come out.  

Women who continue to love men like this have serious self esteem issues.  

Lawyerlady wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Imagine the person you are married to becoming an addict.

You don't just stop loving them.

It's hard to explain and it is really nice to hear that most have no idea how that feels.

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 I think that is a bit different.  Drugs change the personality of the person you love.  This person is not a nice person to begin with.  It's his core being.  So , what is there to love?

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 The OP says he changed after they got married.

All I'm saying is, it isnt a matter of just flipping a switch.

 

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 Like most abusers do.  They are sweet until they trap you in marriage, and then the true colors come out.  

Women who continue to love men like this have serious self esteem issues.  

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 Actually yes, it IS like flipping a switch.  It's called grooming.  Like a pedophile does to their targets.  Once again, Gaga, I'm glad that you haven't had this experience, but please try to put your blinders aside for a moment and attempt to see something from a perspective that might differ from yours.

Tignanello wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Imagine the person you are married to becoming an addict.

You don't just stop loving them.

It's hard to explain and it is really nice to hear that most have no idea how that feels.

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 I think that is a bit different.  Drugs change the personality of the person you love.  This person is not a nice person to begin with.  It's his core being.  So , what is there to love?

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 The OP says he changed after they got married.

All I'm saying is, it isnt a matter of just flipping a switch.

 

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 Like most abusers do.  They are sweet until they trap you in marriage, and then the true colors come out.  

Women who continue to love men like this have serious self esteem issues.  

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 Actually yes, it IS like flipping a switch.  It's called grooming.  Like a pedophile does to their targets.  Once again, Gaga, I'm glad that you haven't had this experience, but please try to put your blinders aside for a moment and attempt to see something from a perspective that might differ from yours.

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 There are usually warning signs in grooming.  But women ignore them because...well...looooovvvveeeee.