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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Carolyn - My parents won't pay for college if I move in with my boyfriend.
Lawyerlady


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Dear Carolyn - My parents won't pay for college if I move in with my boyfriend.
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Hi, Carolyn: I’m nearly 22 and I will begin my senior year of college this fall. I recently moved back in with my parents for the summer and was lucky enough to be offered a summer job that is related to my field and would be a great résumé-builder for me.

The job is located an hour and a half away from my parents’ house, so I planned on moving in with my boyfriend of 2½ years, who lives in the area. My parents do not approve.

My parents have supported me 100 percent financially throughout the last three years of my college education, for which I am extremely grateful. However, they’ve threatened to withhold my last year of college tuition if I accept the job.

I feel this job would be a great opportunity for me and it would be such a shame for me to have to decline. My parents live in a small rural community that offers no similar opportunities in the area. The only alternative work for me would be factory work, which I have done in the past.

I am sick of being treated like a child and constantly having my parents hold financial leverage over me. Am I crazy to consider taking out student loans so I can accept the job and have my freedom? Or should I just suck it up and deal with it for one more year in order to graduate free of debt?

 

Twenty-One Going On Twelve

Twenty-One Going On Twelve: If I told you to take the job and the loans — or to suck it up and appease your parents for ooooone more summer — then I’d just be replacing your parents in the adult role. Time to do your own cost-benefit analysis.

How much would you have to borrow, have you missed any application deadlines, how much of a career advantage would this summer job give you, how much of your rationale is just a fig leaf for wanting to be with your boyfriend/out on your own (not that there’s anything wrong with either), and most important, to my mind, how much say in your life do you think this tuition money buys your parents?

Has that last answer changed since you were 18 and a freshman, or is the fact of their financial support the decisive one?

When you’re funding a someday-kid’s education, will your financing have strings attached?

At your age, it would be a problem if you weren’t sick of being treated like a child. I also disagree strongly with parents who hold tuition hostage to control their children; make tuition contingent on doing schoolwork, of course, but moral puppetry is both insulting and futile.

However: Your parents are adults who get to use their money as insultingly and futilely as they choose. You, in turn, are an adult who gets to decide what course of action your integrity demands, including whether to accept a gift when you fundamentally object to the terms.



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Do don't move in with him. Or fund your own education.

Don't want to be treated like a child, don't act like one.

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Lawyerlady


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Carolyn gives the right answer, but she should have done it without the judging of the parents

The fact is that if you are so much an adult that you can play house, then you are adult enough to pay your own way.

You don't get to be a child demanding parents pay for your life while at the same time screaming you are an adult and get to do whatever you want.



I think she should be able to take the job - and get a temporary place to live w/o the boyfriend, but now, it's doubtful the parents would trust her. She could also likely have chosen to stay at school and gotten a job around there.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Yes Carolyn is ridiculous. Her parents are the "bad guys" for paying her way? Wow. Let's encourage her to be entitled and selfish instead. Yes, there are ALWAYS strings attached in life if someone else is paying your way. In my opinion, you are not an adult UNTIL you pay your own way in this world.

How about this? ""Dear 21. Your parents have been extremely generous is paying your way through college. No doubt, they have worked hard all of their adult lives to make it possible to finance your college tuition. They have probably skimped, saved and have foregone many of their own interests to make this possible for you. Now, they ask one thing. That you finish your senior year without living with your BF which they have moral concerns about. Maybe you don't think it is wrong, but they do and they do not think it in your best interest. So, are you really going to say, that you cannot just finish out your final year in school without living with your BF ? Your life will develop and happen in time. Listen to your parents. Focus on your final year of school and doing well. When you start earning your own money, then you can make your own choices in life whether your parents approve or not.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Lawyerlady wrote:

Carolyn gives the right answer, but she should have done it without the judging of the parents

The fact is that if you are so much an adult that you can play house, then you are adult enough to pay your own way.

You don't get to be a child demanding parents pay for your life while at the same time screaming you are an adult and get to do whatever you want.



I think she should be able to take the job - and get a temporary place to live w/o the boyfriend, but now, it's doubtful the parents would trust her. She could also likely have chosen to stay at school and gotten a job around there.

 Well, a temp place to live costs money.  Maybe her parents dont' want to subsidize that.  



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Lawyerlady


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

Carolyn gives the right answer, but she should have done it without the judging of the parents

The fact is that if you are so much an adult that you can play house, then you are adult enough to pay your own way.

You don't get to be a child demanding parents pay for your life while at the same time screaming you are an adult and get to do whatever you want.



I think she should be able to take the job - and get a temporary place to live w/o the boyfriend, but now, it's doubtful the parents would trust her. She could also likely have chosen to stay at school and gotten a job around there.

 Well, a temp place to live costs money.  Maybe her parents dont' want to subsidize that.  

 If she's working a job - she should be able to pay for it. 



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flan327


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Another no-brainer...

flan

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

Carolyn gives the right answer, but she should have done it without the judging of the parents

The fact is that if you are so much an adult that you can play house, then you are adult enough to pay your own way.

You don't get to be a child demanding parents pay for your life while at the same time screaming you are an adult and get to do whatever you want.



I think she should be able to take the job - and get a temporary place to live w/o the boyfriend, but now, it's doubtful the parents would trust her. She could also likely have chosen to stay at school and gotten a job around there.

 Well, a temp place to live costs money.  Maybe her parents dont' want to subsidize that.  

 If she's working a job - she should be able to pay for it. 

 Not necessarily.  On minimum wage?  And, then she has other expenses as well.   College is expense.  And, no i probably wouldn't opt to pay for some summer job and fund the expenses to live in another location.  Living expenses add up.  Room and board is expensive.  She has one more year.  Just focus on that.  Work a summer job at home.



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Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

Carolyn gives the right answer, but she should have done it without the judging of the parents

The fact is that if you are so much an adult that you can play house, then you are adult enough to pay your own way.

You don't get to be a child demanding parents pay for your life while at the same time screaming you are an adult and get to do whatever you want.



I think she should be able to take the job - and get a temporary place to live w/o the boyfriend, but now, it's doubtful the parents would trust her. She could also likely have chosen to stay at school and gotten a job around there.

 Well, a temp place to live costs money.  Maybe her parents dont' want to subsidize that.  

 If she's working a job - she should be able to pay for it. 

 Yep and if it's the resume builder as she claims, the job is worth far more than the pay she will receive.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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A lot of things are sold as "resume builders" when in reality it doesn't mean squat.

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"I'm an adult! Now give me your money so I can live like one!"

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Lol!!

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huskerbb


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Lawyerlady wrote:

Carolyn gives the right answer, but she should have done it without the judging of the parents

The fact is that if you are so much an adult that you can play house, then you are adult enough to pay your own way.

You don't get to be a child demanding parents pay for your life while at the same time screaming you are an adult and get to do whatever you want.



I think she should be able to take the job - and get a temporary place to live w/o the boyfriend, but now, it's doubtful the parents would trust her. She could also likely have chosen to stay at school and gotten a job around there.

 I agree.  It's absurd to think that a child who was raised with certain values can throw those out the window and still expect mom and dad to pay their way.

I'm all for people being able to set their own values and live their own life, but with the ability to make adult decisions come adult consequences--and that could include loss of financial support. 



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If you don't want to be treated like a child and don't want to be financially dependent, don't act like a child and get a job. Pay your own bills.

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huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

Carolyn gives the right answer, but she should have done it without the judging of the parents

The fact is that if you are so much an adult that you can play house, then you are adult enough to pay your own way.

You don't get to be a child demanding parents pay for your life while at the same time screaming you are an adult and get to do whatever you want.



I think she should be able to take the job - and get a temporary place to live w/o the boyfriend, but now, it's doubtful the parents would trust her. She could also likely have chosen to stay at school and gotten a job around there.

 I agree.  It's absurd to think that a child who was raised with certain values can throw those out the window and still expect mom and dad to pay their way.

I'm all for people being able to set their own values and live their own life, but with the ability to make adult decisions come adult consequences--and that could include loss of financial support. 

 I agree. Go ahead and make the adult decision to live with your bf, but then you have to accept the adult responsibility of paying your own way.



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Vette


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Having put myself through college I find I have little sympathy for people like the LW. You just got three free years of college!!! Even if you DO have to pay for your last year, don't complain about it! I would have loved to have had my parents pay for a semester, let alone three years.

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Why can't she live at home and take the job? While not ideal, I have driven an hour and a half (or more to work) before.

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Divine Geek wrote:

Why can't she live at home and take the job? While not ideal, I have driven an hour and a half (or more to work) before.

 Yep, she definitely has other options available.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Divine Geek wrote:

Why can't she live at home and take the job? While not ideal, I have driven an hour and a half (or more to work) before.

 That's a good point too!



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burns07


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ask the boyfriend to pay her tuition



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